Hi Naomi...

                  I have been with this online group here, for 5 or 6 years. My hometown group fell over. I tried to revive it last year- but it did not work.

The question you raise has simple answers. Some people come here and raise questions about the group they are in. The trend is that members have a voice here, like any group. In a healthy group people will work things out for themselves- and this happens here.

We are so used to the old slogan: "My way or the doorway." In our sick badly functioning family systems.

So the question you raise is a valid one.... I always look forward to seeing new members... because there is no group without members.

So welcome here. we have all bin through the same kind of stuff- one way or another.  ...

David G.

Naomippb wrote:

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My husband is an alcoholic. He is currently in rehab for the second time. I really wanted to try alanon last time he was treatment and went to one of the two meetings in my town. I was the only person under the age of 70, so to say the least I was out of place and did not like the vibe. It was very monotone and I was really hoping to feel comfortable to some extent and make some connections. There is one other group in town, but the woman in group informed me that its all of them that go, its just at a different church and has a different name. My question is, will an online group be just as benifical as going to one?

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In my experience...no. While different people are different, there is a dynamic that you don't get online, that you get face to face...with anything!!! A meeting, a conversation, a discussion, whatever. 

I would suggest telephone meetings. Go to the Alanon World Services website. You will find comprehensive meeting resource information -- links to face to face meetings across the country, online meetings, and telephone meetings. Note that this is not an official, (WSO) conference approved alanon meeting. However, there are online meetings that are (WSO) conference approved. 

Also in my experience, try a face to face meeting -- in your case -- both of them, and try them several times. Meetings, with our without the same people, ebb and flow, ESPECIALLY when a newcomer arrives. Perhaps not on the first one though! Go, try it, again, and then again. Keep going back! After 6 meetings, if you don't like it...you are out six bucks! LOL.

Keep coming back.

((((Naomippb))))

WELCOME!
I feel an online meeting is better than nothing!

When I first was confronted with a spouse with addiction issues, I dived right into as many meetings as I could. Just like Bo suggested, each one had a different dynamic or feel to them. Some I liked a lot, some, not so much. But I always gave the "not so much's" a second try. Because I was counseled that it may have been an "off" night for that meeting. I tried to keep an open mind. I found that Nar-Anon did not give me much Hope... someone suggested Al-Anon - those meetings I preferred, and stayed. But once my spouse found Recovery, I eventually stopped going. As I look back on my life, that was a mistake - I had more work to do on ME. But you know, hindsight and all that! LOL!

When alcohol became my spouse's DOC, I had already known what "the rooms of Al-Anon" were going to be like... but there were other restraints about attending this time. So I decided to "Be Gentle With Myself," and actively utilize this board. What a God-Send!! I was on here for about 5-6 months before I was able to attend a F2F. And that was OK. It was "OK" b/c I did not let anyone else's ideas of how I should work this program sway me. But I always took the good advice of the veterans to heart... b/c they have all the experience!! And eventually I found the groove that was right FOR ME. Al-Anon has a great saying that applies here: "Take what you want, and leave the rest!"

So no advice here , just my ESH (Experience, Strength, and Hope).

Peace to you, and hope you keep posting!

Aloha Naomi and again welcome to the board...the family of recovery.  I am grateful you checked in with your questions, concerns and experiences because it is right In line how I learned about this, our disease and how I approached and came to the understanding I now have which brought and continues to bring me to the two life forces (gems) I had lost completely before finally deciding to get in and stay in recovery...Al-Anon and AA.  Like others I am considered a "double" and got this way because I was also raised within the influences and confines of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction.  My family of origin were practicing alcoholics and addicts before I was born and this disease is inheritable; you can find it in our dna.

I didn't know about alcoholism when I first arrived and didn't even know that I didn't' know.  In the culture I was born in the only indication of over drinking was "drunk" and it was disrespectful to use that word when a relative was drunk.  As a young person I got punished for saying it.  Drunk was a moral issue until I found the rooms of Al-Anon and listened to the definition of alcoholism before each meeting and learned and then accepted that alcoholism was a disease.  

I was married to an alcoholic/addict woman at that time and I coined her as a bitch not a sick person until I accepted the AMA (American Medical Association) of alcoholism that was read before each and every meeting.  My wife then became a sick person and I found such emotions and beliefs as empathy and understanding more much more valuable to my peace of mind and serenity which the program promised me I could have if I kept coming back with an open mind and the willingness to learn and understand as much as I was being given by the fellowship.  

I understand your concern about the differences between the elders and yourself and then I also understand that for the first 9years of my recovery I was "re-raised by the women of Al-Anon" because most often I was the only male in the room.  It was difficult for them and also for me because we had to learn new and different ways of learning and growing with each other.  "If you keep and open mind...you will find help" was an early motto and suggestion that kept me okay enough to "keep coming back".  I was never known for being whimpy and determination was part of my character...ask my alcoholic/addict and she will express gratitude that I came to the decision to leave the marriage before taking her life or more.  

I don't have on-line vs face to face prejudices as I know how I got my sanity, serenity and sobriety over the past 40 years.  I got it from each and every source I was directed to and each and every experience I shared along the way including college and professional experiences with various and many entities.  I don't suggest everyone take the risks I did because I understand that they are the ones I needed to take and leave after the decision to recover myself.  I have taken what I liked including also "the rest" I kept till later when I needed more.

I have had real miracles directly due to all of the experiences I have had with the program...young and old, women and men, alcoholic, addict and such.

My early sponsor suggested that "I find and use everything I could about this disease that would bring me to recovery".  Let me suggest that to you also.  "If you keep and open mind...you will find help"    Thanks for coming here and bringing this discussion.    (((((hugs))))) 

  Naomi... I like the way this conscience issue was raised... and the way it is being dealt with.

      there is food for thought here. We are all big people now- and we have to deal with big people things...

     sometimes life is tough- and sometimes it just seems impossible... I just get awed by the honesty and clarity I see in the rooms.

    Groups, like us people, go through their highs and lows... our groups are made up entirely of members- and we use our own resources to hold the whole thing together.

     That, in itself, is a miracle.  

      ~sigh~ so grateful to be here...    ...

No, they are not the same. I have done both too. online efforts were my introduction to Al-anon.

...I can tell you that Al-anon suggests online support as a "supplement" to face to face meetings. 

If it is the best you can do for now and it brings you some peace, so be it.

My personal experience is that AFTER finding my home group and sponsor, I found myself on a recovery "fast track" meaning, she helped me apply the right tools at the right time. Very quickly, peace began flowing into my life.

With regard to your husband's disappointment ((my friend)) ...I see it as an expression of him wanting the very best for you BOTH and your relationship.

To test that notion, I invite you to simply ask yourself if YOU believe a successful recovery for HIM could be achieved online.

With time in recovery, I suspect you will recognize "monotone" as a trait of serenity.  It is because we have lived with insanity for SO LONG that we became conditioned by "drama" ...the high highs and low lows feel more like "home" to us.

Pray for guidance and it will certainly come to you ((hugs))

-- Edited by 2HP on Monday 18th of February 2019 11:29:30 AM

Hi Naomi.... you've already received some great replies, so the only thing I would add is simply:

The principle that HIS recovery is his, and for him to figure out..... that same principle applies to you as well.

It is NOT up to your hubby and/or his counselor to determine if online meetings or whatever you decide for YOUR recovery are real, beneficial, or will be helpful.  Remember - he is in his disease, and many times his disease will try to control/direct you.  If online meetings are your best bet right now - I say - go for it, and don't ask for his permission or blessing.....  what he thinks of you (or your recovery) is none of your business....  :)

Hugs

Tom