I have had the good fortune and feel very blessed to be able to vacation down in warm, sunny Florida. Escaping winter in the northeast for even a week is a nice reprieve. With that being said, it has been obvious to me that I need to rethink future vacation plans with my AH.
It started out very rough with extreme flight delays that gave H a reason to park at the airport bar....all day long.
It takes him forever to get his day started.....Im pushing for him to be ready by 11:30-noon. I do my own thing in the morning so I am not resentful.....but I see the changes occurring. I feel like I am dragging a 5 year old around. Cajoling, encouraging, wondering how tired he is getting, etc.
I do not want to complain about a vacation, and I am using my tools to deal.....but I need to rethink future plans and accept that all things change....and acceptance of realities vs. fantasies and hopes will bring serenity.
A few more days in the wonderful warmth! Have a great weekend, all!
Ellen
Lyne said
Feb 16, 2019
Hi el-I've had to work on accepting and letting go and letting God for not only vacations but for everyday life. My A is sober but very slow to recover, if that will happen much at all. My sponsor taught me not to have expectations and carry my QTIP. I cannot control anything about my dry drunk, but I too enjoy our vacations, the parts that work for me. We go near the ocean and it is beautiful and amazing. Remember, take what you like and leave the rest. Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 16, 2019
((((Ellen))))
I am giving you hugs b/c I have been in your shoes. When you said, "I feel like I am dragging a 5 year-old around," I almost spit out my coffee!
For many years I felt like I was raising TWO children! I truly commend you for staying in your lane while on this vacation! It is so darn easy to build up resentments when it comes to these things - vacations usually cost a bundle, take time in planning, & sometimes are once in a lifetime type of adventures. So I am really looking up to you with admiration right now b/c of what you posted!
Sadly, I eventually could not afford vacations due to the financial strains my spouse put on our marriage b/c of addiction. But even small day or weekend trips I began to understand (and accept) that if I wanted to enjoy an outing, I had to make the plans knowing I would go by myself, or with my Kiddo and myself. It is a sad reality of living with an addicted loved one.
Enjoy those last few days of warm, sunny weather!
hotrod said
Feb 16, 2019
Hi el vacations in a warm clim are great this time of year. I found that if I bought my tools checked out alanon meeting in my vacarion location that I could enjoy the trip Good luck.
JerryF said
Feb 16, 2019
Great post!! and thank you Ellen for the lead because you clearly express "How it works" to and for others. I see the picture clearly and ask myself what could/would I do? Mahalo have a great warm one. (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Feb 16, 2019
I used to go to FL all the time with my ex. Yes, leaving the northeast winter, heading to FL was always enjoyable, something I looked forward to. It could be a long weekend, or I might have taken off a couple of weeks -- it didn't matter -- it was always something to look forward to, enjoy, and really get into a positive frame of mind.
Until...yes, like you Ellen...it was the beginning of my ex's "ritual" or regimen...from days before, to the night before, to the day of, right through to the airport, on the plane, and even arriving in FL. Everything would tend to put a damper on the fun, looking forward to, enjoy "tone" that had been set. It wasn't expectations. It was just the behaviors, the 'ism's, the drinking, and everything around the drinking.
I think it is common, and my feelings, my experience...too many people are very quick to categorize something that bothers them, impacts them, etc., as "how important is it" and say it's not important, or, acceptance, I have to accept this, I cannot change this, and so on. For me, you could do that and say that for everything. Alanon is not designed to teach us to accept unacceptable behavior. It's not designed to get us to tolerate the intolerable. It's not a program that shows us how to raise our threshold for what is bearable. No, alanon is not about that. Yes, step one, and a major component of the program is acceptance, but that should not be put into an unhealthy context. Just because we can't change someone else doesn't mean we have to accept everything they do, and accept it without taking action. There are tools for this! That said, doing nothing and being unhappy is not a healthy answer, certainly not all the time.
For me, and I can only speak for me...I don't want drinking to ruin, or even impact the enjoyment I have in my life. I don't want the drinking to impact my fun, what I am looking forward to, not even impact my mood...to me that is unacceptable. So that said, yes -- at that stage of my marriage, I absolutely did re-think vacation plans, all travel plans...and I implemented changes!!! For me, my benefit, my well-being!!!
So, I think it's a good idea...I think it's self-care, for you, your benefit, your health and well-being.
Iamhere said
Feb 16, 2019
(((El))) - with the winter we've all had this year, Florida sounds very nice, warm and relaxing. I hear you on the rethink - what's so nice about recovery is we each get to do what works for us. I avoided vacations for a long, long while and then tried again when I was better equipped with program tools. I try to make sure I just work on balance - planning my trips, who I go with, etc. And as Betty suggests, I make sure I take my tools with me.
I was taught early on to always have a Plan B and I do - no matter what my Plan A is. One of my last vacations that was quite painful was taking my 84 year old diabetic, unhealthy aunt to visit my parents. She was my dad's older sister. She's like my boys - stays up late and lolligags in the morning. Add to that the medications, diabetic socks, dietary needs, age, etc. and half the day was over before she was ready to leave the condo. It was a long week but a great opportunity for me to practice patience, tolerance, empathy and kindness...
She passed away 6 months after we took that trip. She and my dad has some deep seated conflicts over when their mother died. They were able to do some healing from that while we were there and I realized after the trip that it was (again....I am a slow learner at times) not about me! I now consider that trip as a great opportunity for me to keep learning and how to be of service even when that was not my plan.
When I feel stuck in a place or situation that is uncomfortable, I am one that goes back to basics - gratitude lists. I really am grateful to have the means to travel and to have my health. I have the courage to try new things, including vacating with old people or new people, even by myself. I am in the beginning stages of planning my next trip to see my parents and am looking forward to going alone. I may invite some golf gal pals, haven't decided - choices and options are a gift of recovery.
Rest, relax and stay present. This disease can spoil any day at any time in any location - it doesn't discriminate. Be gentle with you and enjoy the warmth and sunshine!!
el-cee said
Feb 17, 2019
Hi el glad your in the sunshine and heat. Where I am the days are getting longer and spring is in the air with daffodils and crocuses raising their heads.
I have never enjoyed a holiday with active alcoholic drinking. Not sure it's possible yo be honest and what's the point? Whilst active without recovery the drinker us unavailable that the location or situation seems irrelevant. For me its step 1. I'm powerless to get rhough the hazy armour of this addiction in any setting. So that leaves me. A holiday to charge your batteries and relax may be needed for you and our goal in life is to be joyous and free so it is perfectly acceptable and maybe even spiritual to go away for a break alone or with friends. A few women at my meeting go away weekends and weeks with each other. In fact one woman told her partner she was going on vacation, knew he would forget so left him a note and a stocked fridge. This is the courage in my eyes to accept the things we cannot change and courage to change the things we can. Sometimes it helps to really look at this disease and see the limits. Life in so many areas is unavailable to the active alcoholic. That's ok on a level. It's their own lives and journeys. Your life and your journey belongs to you and it's ok to ditch the idea of family vacations if that would help you have more serenity.
El said
Feb 22, 2019
Thank you all for your ESH regarding vacationing with my AH. The trip most certainly started out rough and for the most part I was able to enjoy the warmth, sunshine and Palm trees! I tried to honor my own wishes during the trip and finally accepted what I couldn't change. I will need to re-think or re-plan vacations in the future though, that is for sure. More lessons have been learned!
Good morning, MIP family!
I have had the good fortune and feel very blessed to be able to vacation down in warm, sunny Florida. Escaping winter in the northeast for even a week is a nice reprieve. With that being said, it has been obvious to me that I need to rethink future vacation plans with my AH.
It started out very rough with extreme flight delays that gave H a reason to park at the airport bar....all day long.
It takes him forever to get his day started.....Im pushing for him to be ready by 11:30-noon. I do my own thing in the morning so I am not resentful.....but I see the changes occurring. I feel like I am dragging a 5 year old around. Cajoling, encouraging, wondering how tired he is getting, etc.
I do not want to complain about a vacation, and I am using my tools to deal.....but I need to rethink future plans and accept that all things change....and acceptance of realities vs. fantasies and hopes will bring serenity.
A few more days in the wonderful warmth! Have a great weekend, all!
Ellen
((((Ellen))))
I am giving you hugs b/c I have been in your shoes. When you said, "I feel like I am dragging a 5 year-old around," I almost spit out my coffee!
For many years I felt like I was raising TWO children! I truly commend you for staying in your lane while on this vacation! It is so darn easy to build up resentments when it comes to these things - vacations usually cost a bundle, take time in planning, & sometimes are once in a lifetime type of adventures. So I am really looking up to you with admiration right now b/c of what you posted!
Sadly, I eventually could not afford vacations due to the financial strains my spouse put on our marriage b/c of addiction. But even small day or weekend trips I began to understand (and accept) that if I wanted to enjoy an outing, I had to make the plans knowing I would go by myself, or with my Kiddo and myself. It is a sad reality of living with an addicted loved one.
Enjoy those last few days of warm, sunny weather!
Great post!! and thank you Ellen for the lead because you clearly express "How it works" to and for others. I see the picture clearly and ask myself what could/would I do? Mahalo have a great warm one. (((((hugs)))))
Until...yes, like you Ellen...it was the beginning of my ex's "ritual" or regimen...from days before, to the night before, to the day of, right through to the airport, on the plane, and even arriving in FL. Everything would tend to put a damper on the fun, looking forward to, enjoy "tone" that had been set. It wasn't expectations. It was just the behaviors, the 'ism's, the drinking, and everything around the drinking.
I think it is common, and my feelings, my experience...too many people are very quick to categorize something that bothers them, impacts them, etc., as "how important is it" and say it's not important, or, acceptance, I have to accept this, I cannot change this, and so on. For me, you could do that and say that for everything. Alanon is not designed to teach us to accept unacceptable behavior. It's not designed to get us to tolerate the intolerable. It's not a program that shows us how to raise our threshold for what is bearable. No, alanon is not about that. Yes, step one, and a major component of the program is acceptance, but that should not be put into an unhealthy context. Just because we can't change someone else doesn't mean we have to accept everything they do, and accept it without taking action. There are tools for this! That said, doing nothing and being unhappy is not a healthy answer, certainly not all the time.
For me, and I can only speak for me...I don't want drinking to ruin, or even impact the enjoyment I have in my life. I don't want the drinking to impact my fun, what I am looking forward to, not even impact my mood...to me that is unacceptable. So that said, yes -- at that stage of my marriage, I absolutely did re-think vacation plans, all travel plans...and I implemented changes!!! For me, my benefit, my well-being!!!
So, I think it's a good idea...I think it's self-care, for you, your benefit, your health and well-being.
I was taught early on to always have a Plan B and I do - no matter what my Plan A is. One of my last vacations that was quite painful was taking my 84 year old diabetic, unhealthy aunt to visit my parents. She was my dad's older sister. She's like my boys - stays up late and lolligags in the morning. Add to that the medications, diabetic socks, dietary needs, age, etc. and half the day was over before she was ready to leave the condo. It was a long week but a great opportunity for me to practice patience, tolerance, empathy and kindness...
She passed away 6 months after we took that trip. She and my dad has some deep seated conflicts over when their mother died. They were able to do some healing from that while we were there and I realized after the trip that it was (again....I am a slow learner at times) not about me! I now consider that trip as a great opportunity for me to keep learning and how to be of service even when that was not my plan.
When I feel stuck in a place or situation that is uncomfortable, I am one that goes back to basics - gratitude lists. I really am grateful to have the means to travel and to have my health. I have the courage to try new things, including vacating with old people or new people, even by myself. I am in the beginning stages of planning my next trip to see my parents and am looking forward to going alone. I may invite some golf gal pals, haven't decided - choices and options are a gift of recovery.
Rest, relax and stay present. This disease can spoil any day at any time in any location - it doesn't discriminate. Be gentle with you and enjoy the warmth and sunshine!!
Thank you all for your ESH regarding vacationing with my AH. The trip most certainly started out rough and for the most part I was able to enjoy the warmth, sunshine and Palm trees! I tried to honor my own wishes during the trip and finally accepted what I couldn't change. I will need to re-think or re-plan vacations in the future though, that is for sure. More lessons have been learned!
Thank you again....from the cold once again!
Ellen