This is Wenyuan from South Georgia. A grateful member of Al-Anon, I have been checking out this message bulletin regularly and this is my first post.
Since I started my recovery two months ago, I have been absorbing the gracious teachings of this wonderful fellowship through literature, meetings and this board. I can tell I am much better in my daily reactions with my AH and am learning to live life on life's terms, one day at a time. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary: although it started out quite smoothly, I ran into several mental roadblocks as I allowed myself to be worked up by my AH and his actions. I am not proud of it but I know slips are part of the recovery.
Last night, I wrote my AH a letter in which I stated my thoughts as objectively as I could, without placing blames or getting emotional. But I haven't made up my mind to send it. I am pasting the letter below and any insights will be appreciated as I continue to ask my HP for guidance.
"Today started with blessings: you prepared breakfast, stayed with our daughter until I got a shower, and most importantly, I woke up again willing to work on myself and walk this spiritual path. An important part of my daily practice is to strengthen my patience and acceptance so that I can gain perspective and clarity of my life.
Things got heated toward the evening as the hot button issue of family finances came up. I was level-headed demanding accountability but your reaction of angrily storming out of the bedroom door still got to me. I got worked up for the first time in the day. As the night approached and you started to slur your words, I made another mistake of staying around too long (I usually retreat into my own things at night) and even engaging in a conversation on home projects which requires clear thinking. As you raised your voice and became verbally difficult about the insignificant minutiae of flooring materials in a bathroom, I realized that I should have refused to participate. I left without rancor but the feelings of hurt and self-doubt lingered. There was even a slight sense of despair. Again, I let these negative feelings enter my being, taint my peace and serenity. I am a rookie on this spiritual journey of improving myself. I am just glad I havent veered off track.
All being said, while I understood no one is perfect, I am not entirely happy in this marriage due to a lot of your choices and I want to be honest with you. I am working on myself to see if I can be happy with the way things are RIGHT NOW. I now know that I cannot change you, I can't (nor should I try to) control you. All I can control is my actions, my words, my reactions, my expectations... Albeit I work on my reactions 24/7 and truly accept that I can not control your actions, you should know that these actions have ramifications for me. While I try my best to work on the emotional part, you must be aware that the financial impact of your choices is not insignificant, regardless of any justification and comparison.
I know you truly mean it when you say you love me. I know not to take things personally when you do or say things that may seem unloving. I understand you are not doing any of this to me. You are just trying to cope with your life the best you can. I have love and compassion for you on so many levels. But I am also learning to love without losing myself, one day at a time.
I know you dont want me to say or think negatively about our relationship. I cannot give any reassurance to you that I feel what you would find acceptable, because I want to the substance uses to stop and you don't right now. I also know there is nothing we can do within our human power about this unbridgeable difference. This is my honest Truth. I will continue to learn to love and accept love in return. But most importantly, I will stay in my lane and count my blessings.
I think it is good to share some of my most intimate thoughts with you. "
Thank you!
JerryF said
Feb 11, 2019
((((Wenyuan)))) I felt that and felt it with memories of my own wants and needs while participating in this life threatening, fatal disease that I was born and raised within. Still I am alive and with peace of mind and serenity; the same you wish for. You can and will have it as you continue in your recovery...not a guarantee a spiritual promise. I think about your letter and remember the God Box lessons I got in program, the "tell it to God or my Higher Power" and then drop the letter inside of my God Box where only God will see and read it. That was a deep insight as I didn't imagine that God would or could live and fit within a cigar box filled with Al-Anon recovery notes and wishes, however I had to let even those thoughts go by because that is where many of my and my alcoholic/addict's came from.
Keep on keeping on and coming back. (((((hugs)))))
Freetime said
Feb 11, 2019
Dear Wenyuan, thank you for sharing your beautiful journey of recovery with us! I am sorry that alcoholism affected the day of your wedding anniversary. I agree with Jerry that a God Box -- or some other private place -- would be a good spot to keep this heartfelt letter that you wrote.
I can only share my experience with writing/sharing my feelings with the alcoholic in my life. I have found that written communication can be misunderstood, because the reader cannot hear the feelings behind our words and we cannot adjust our communication in the moment, because it is already written down. Also I found that when I used many words -- a long communication -- nothing really got through. I found that my actions spoke louder than my words. And eventually my husband had a desire to understand how his drinking had impacted me, and actually asked me about it.
I hope that you have a sponsor, or can find a sponsor in your meetings. A sponsor can be a great resource to work through everything and help us decide on the next right action. Meanwhile, please take care of yourself and keep coming back.
Iamhere said
Feb 11, 2019
wenyuan - welcome to the boards (officially) - so glad you opted to join in and share. I can only share my own ESH - and I too am a writer - it seems to help me clarify my thoughts and construct my words better than verbally.
I am married to an A and have 2 boys with this disease. In the last 25 years, I have probably written a thousand letters. Many were when my boys were in treatment or jail or missing or ...... When I got responses, it seemed to be what I wanted to hear but because of this disease, actions rarely (if ever) aligned with the words. So, without intent consciously, my letters/writings seemed to be yet another way I was trying to change/control situations, no matter how cautious my wording was.
I have not stopped writing - instead, I write with the intent to clarify and heal. I no longer deliver the letters but have them all. The best purpose they give me is to look at my journey. I write letters often to God too - just trying to sort out what I should learn about situations and events that trouble me or make me sad.
My AH was a prolific poet when I met him and he was sober. He wrote the greatest poems to me, about me, etc. He doesn't write any more - at least not to me or about me and I've accepted that. He has in recent years remembered to get cards for my birthday, anniversary, etc. and will write a little one. I just take life one day at a time, and find joy in what is vs. what is not.
As a recovering A, I can tell you that when I was active in the disease, nothing was my fault. I could deflect and throw blame for anything from unpaid bills (when I lived alone) to single-car accidents (where I was driving). The disease affects every part of the person, and there is no logical processing and a ton of denial. I too have a God box and it's stuffed full of letters, prayers, resentments (was told I had to write them out, put them in and then pray for the person involved.)
Keep working your program, for you. Keep hold of hope as we never know what is coming next. Be gentle with you and trust the process and the program. It's not failed me yet! Keep coming back - you're not alone!
canadianguy said
Feb 11, 2019
Great letter, and heartfelt, but in my experience, giving such a letter to an active alcoholic will not give you any real reprieve, and quite likely he will cherry pick it and turn it around on you for days/weeks/years to come. Awesome stuff to write it out, and face your feelings. Now is a great time to put it in your God-box, and put one foot in front of the other, and continue YOUR program of recovery. I know that probably screams to be counter-intuitive to what you might want to hear, but your letter - real and honest as it is - will more than likely be read as an attack on him and his character - and 99% of active A's will react defensively and accordingly.
Sounds to me like you are in a great place, in that you want recovery for yourself - that is a great thing, and I would encourage you to focus your efforts on the one person you CAN change - you.
Your AH needs to ultimately figure out if and when he is going to choose recovery for him, and this is seldom on "our" timetable.
One great book if you haven't already read it - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. Easy to read & understand, and she helps explain how you really want to establish boundaries - for your health and serenity - but to never try to "own" your A's recovery program.
Good stuff
Hugs,
Tom
wenyuan said
Feb 11, 2019
Thank you all for your replies and ESH. After reading your comments and this letter several times, I have reached a similar decision that I will just want to keep it for my own recovery and inventory. The emotions expressed in the letter are real but I have chosen not to act upon them by sharing with my AH who I am completely powerless over. So to the God box it went. Again, my HP and this wonderful fellowship of Al-Anon have guided me toward myself to look from outside in.
I have a young daughter with my AH. As our family are in the process of settling down in a new home and my AH is taking charge of all house projects, I am left alone with our baby a lot. But after last night, he has appeared remorseful and offered to watch her till her bedtime. I am under no illusion that this will mount to any long-lasting changes, unless he tunes in with his HP. I am just glad for the opportunity to take a break, do some work, and relax, even for an hour or so.
And yes, I love the book "Getting them sober". It is easy to lose sight when frustrations run high but I am very grateful that I am no longer turning these frustrations into unhealthy resentments.
Bo said
Feb 11, 2019
Welcome...you are very new to the program, and just beginning on your personal path to recovery. As you continue down the path -- and implement more of the tools of the program -- you will get better more adept, more efficient, and more effective at everything the program has to offer.
That said, your recovery will come quicker, exponentially.
So, about your letter...CHECK YOUR MOTIVES. Why are you sending it? Why are you really sending it? Why? Now, next question, to what end? What do you hope to accomplish? What do you hope will happen?
This is a very important conversation to have with your sponsor. If you don't have one...go get one! LOL.
All the best.
wenyuan said
Feb 11, 2019
Thank you, Bo!
I am still searching for a sponsor in my local area. Moving from a metropolis where I had access to a lot of meetings to a small town hosting only a weekly informal meeting (among friends) is quite a change and I am still trying to get used to the new flow.
Any suggestions in this department?
wp said
Feb 11, 2019
Such wise suggestions here. And thank you all for these reminders. Keep coming back ! wp
Iamhere said
Feb 12, 2019
wenyuan - love, love, love how you accepted the offer of 'PIC' - Parent In Charge from your spouse! I had 2 young boys and a traveling AH + a FT job requiring travel and on-call so hear you on getting breaks. Mine are now 24 and 26 and boy - it does go fast. What I hear is you are working your recovery, accepting help, grateful for what is and letting go of what is not. This, for me, has been a very simple equation for serenity - one day at a time.
I am certain the move is a huge adjustment. I am blessed to also be in an area where there are many options for meetings. Many here as well as world wide don't have that luxury. We do have meetings here twice a day (look to the top left for the schedule and link to the meeting chat) which have served many - myself included at a time when getting out was difficult.
I wish you the best and hope you keep coming back! It does work when we work it...
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 12, 2019
Just wanted to say, "Welcome!" and commend you on your obvious growth in YOUR health! This is a dreadful disease to live alongside. The letter was good. But even better you chose to put it in your God Box! I have one as well - upon suggestion by my sponsor- and use it often!
My experience about writing letters to my addicted loved one was the same as everyone here who posted earlier...the words were misunderstood, misconstrued and sometimes used against me. To be honest, I was never really "heard" until he embraced Recovery.
Just a word of caution... my addicted SO was not a reliable PIC while engaging in his DOC (drug of choice)/active in addiction - especially alcohol (that made him pass out a lot!). I was "lucky" as the chaos of addiction didn't start until my kidlet was in 4th grade... and the heavy alcohol use not until in high school, so he could look after himself when I wasn't available. But the emotional scars are still very deep for him.
Stay strong, and keep coming back!
Peace to you!
Bo said
Feb 12, 2019
wenyuan wrote:
Thank you, Bo!
I am still searching for a sponsor in my local area. Moving from a metropolis where I had access to a lot of meetings to a small town hosting only a weekly informal meeting (among friends) is quite a change and I am still trying to get used to the new flow.
Any suggestions in this department?
You're welcome. Whatever option or options there are for face to face meetings where you live -- taken them! Go as often as possible. I would then look to telephone meetings. Go to the World Services website. You will find conference approved, official, alanon (telephone) meetings there. Just as an FYI -- this is not a conference approved alanon forum. Change is rarely easy, and a move can be one of the most stressful, change, triggers, etc.
As far as a sponsor -- I would read the WSO website, read the pamphlets and material on sponsorship. Find a person who you can relate to, what they share, how they share, their mindset, approach, perspective, on recovery. Find the person that when they share, you start shaking your head affirmatively. In person, on the telephone meetings, and if need be, here. Personally, in my experience, as it relates to recovery, getting better, making changes, working the program, working the steps, immersing yourself into the alanon program and tools, and more, for me, you can't "live your life" on a bulletin board. But, if this is your only option -- take it.
Focus on YOU. Immerse yourself in ACCEPTANCE. In my experience, a sponsor will take you to a level you cannot get to on your own. He/she can bring forth certain things you cannot do or get alone...perspective, objectivity, accountability, the ability to have someone other than you help you get out of where you are, and go to where you want to go, and so on.
Hello all,
This is Wenyuan from South Georgia. A grateful member of Al-Anon, I have been checking out this message bulletin regularly and this is my first post.
Since I started my recovery two months ago, I have been absorbing the gracious teachings of this wonderful fellowship through literature, meetings and this board. I can tell I am much better in my daily reactions with my AH and am learning to live life on life's terms, one day at a time. Yesterday was my wedding anniversary: although it started out quite smoothly, I ran into several mental roadblocks as I allowed myself to be worked up by my AH and his actions. I am not proud of it but I know slips are part of the recovery.
Last night, I wrote my AH a letter in which I stated my thoughts as objectively as I could, without placing blames or getting emotional. But I haven't made up my mind to send it. I am pasting the letter below and any insights will be appreciated as I continue to ask my HP for guidance.
"Today started with blessings: you prepared breakfast, stayed with our daughter until I got a shower, and most importantly, I woke up again willing to work on myself and walk this spiritual path. An important part of my daily practice is to strengthen my patience and acceptance so that I can gain perspective and clarity of my life.
Things got heated toward the evening as the hot button issue of family finances came up. I was level-headed demanding accountability but your reaction of angrily storming out of the bedroom door still got to me. I got worked up for the first time in the day. As the night approached and you started to slur your words, I made another mistake of staying around too long (I usually retreat into my own things at night) and even engaging in a conversation on home projects which requires clear thinking. As you raised your voice and became verbally difficult about the insignificant minutiae of flooring materials in a bathroom, I realized that I should have refused to participate. I left without rancor but the feelings of hurt and self-doubt lingered. There was even a slight sense of despair. Again, I let these negative feelings enter my being, taint my peace and serenity. I am a rookie on this spiritual journey of improving myself. I am just glad I havent veered off track.
All being said, while I understood no one is perfect, I am not entirely happy in this marriage due to a lot of your choices and I want to be honest with you. I am working on myself to see if I can be happy with the way things are RIGHT NOW. I now know that I cannot change you, I can't (nor should I try to) control you. All I can control is my actions, my words, my reactions, my expectations... Albeit I work on my reactions 24/7 and truly accept that I can not control your actions, you should know that these actions have ramifications for me. While I try my best to work on the emotional part, you must be aware that the financial impact of your choices is not insignificant, regardless of any justification and comparison.
I know you truly mean it when you say you love me. I know not to take things personally when you do or say things that may seem unloving. I understand you are not doing any of this to me. You are just trying to cope with your life the best you can. I have love and compassion for you on so many levels. But I am also learning to love without losing myself, one day at a time.
I know you dont want me to say or think negatively about our relationship. I cannot give any reassurance to you that I feel what you would find acceptable, because I want to the substance uses to stop and you don't right now. I also know there is nothing we can do within our human power about this unbridgeable difference. This is my honest Truth. I will continue to learn to love and accept love in return. But most importantly, I will stay in my lane and count my blessings.
I think it is good to share some of my most intimate thoughts with you. "
Thank you!
((((Wenyuan)))) I felt that and felt it with memories of my own wants and needs while participating in this life threatening, fatal disease that I was born and raised within. Still I am alive and with peace of mind and serenity; the same you wish for. You can and will have it as you continue in your recovery...not a guarantee a spiritual promise. I think about your letter and remember the God Box lessons I got in program, the "tell it to God or my Higher Power" and then drop the letter inside of my God Box where only God will see and read it. That was a deep insight as I didn't imagine that God would or could live and fit within a cigar box filled with Al-Anon recovery notes and wishes, however I had to let even those thoughts go by because that is where many of my and my alcoholic/addict's came from.
Keep on keeping on and coming back. (((((hugs)))))
I can only share my experience with writing/sharing my feelings with the alcoholic in my life. I have found that written communication can be misunderstood, because the reader cannot hear the feelings behind our words and we cannot adjust our communication in the moment, because it is already written down. Also I found that when I used many words -- a long communication -- nothing really got through. I found that my actions spoke louder than my words. And eventually my husband had a desire to understand how his drinking had impacted me, and actually asked me about it.
I hope that you have a sponsor, or can find a sponsor in your meetings. A sponsor can be a great resource to work through everything and help us decide on the next right action. Meanwhile, please take care of yourself and keep coming back.
I am married to an A and have 2 boys with this disease. In the last 25 years, I have probably written a thousand letters. Many were when my boys were in treatment or jail or missing or ...... When I got responses, it seemed to be what I wanted to hear but because of this disease, actions rarely (if ever) aligned with the words. So, without intent consciously, my letters/writings seemed to be yet another way I was trying to change/control situations, no matter how cautious my wording was.
I have not stopped writing - instead, I write with the intent to clarify and heal. I no longer deliver the letters but have them all. The best purpose they give me is to look at my journey. I write letters often to God too - just trying to sort out what I should learn about situations and events that trouble me or make me sad.
My AH was a prolific poet when I met him and he was sober. He wrote the greatest poems to me, about me, etc. He doesn't write any more - at least not to me or about me and I've accepted that. He has in recent years remembered to get cards for my birthday, anniversary, etc. and will write a little one. I just take life one day at a time, and find joy in what is vs. what is not.
As a recovering A, I can tell you that when I was active in the disease, nothing was my fault. I could deflect and throw blame for anything from unpaid bills (when I lived alone) to single-car accidents (where I was driving). The disease affects every part of the person, and there is no logical processing and a ton of denial. I too have a God box and it's stuffed full of letters, prayers, resentments (was told I had to write them out, put them in and then pray for the person involved.)
Keep working your program, for you. Keep hold of hope as we never know what is coming next. Be gentle with you and trust the process and the program. It's not failed me yet! Keep coming back - you're not alone!
Great letter, and heartfelt, but in my experience, giving such a letter to an active alcoholic will not give you any real reprieve, and quite likely he will cherry pick it and turn it around on you for days/weeks/years to come. Awesome stuff to write it out, and face your feelings. Now is a great time to put it in your God-box, and put one foot in front of the other, and continue YOUR program of recovery. I know that probably screams to be counter-intuitive to what you might want to hear, but your letter - real and honest as it is - will more than likely be read as an attack on him and his character - and 99% of active A's will react defensively and accordingly.
Sounds to me like you are in a great place, in that you want recovery for yourself - that is a great thing, and I would encourage you to focus your efforts on the one person you CAN change - you.
Your AH needs to ultimately figure out if and when he is going to choose recovery for him, and this is seldom on "our" timetable.
One great book if you haven't already read it - "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews. Easy to read & understand, and she helps explain how you really want to establish boundaries - for your health and serenity - but to never try to "own" your A's recovery program.
Good stuff
Hugs,
Tom
Thank you all for your replies and ESH. After reading your comments and this letter several times, I have reached a similar decision that I will just want to keep it for my own recovery and inventory. The emotions expressed in the letter are real but I have chosen not to act upon them by sharing with my AH who I am completely powerless over. So to the God box it went. Again, my HP and this wonderful fellowship of Al-Anon have guided me toward myself to look from outside in.
I have a young daughter with my AH. As our family are in the process of settling down in a new home and my AH is taking charge of all house projects, I am left alone with our baby a lot. But after last night, he has appeared remorseful and offered to watch her till her bedtime. I am under no illusion that this will mount to any long-lasting changes, unless he tunes in with his HP. I am just glad for the opportunity to take a break, do some work, and relax, even for an hour or so.
And yes, I love the book "Getting them sober". It is easy to lose sight when frustrations run high but I am very grateful that I am no longer turning these frustrations into unhealthy resentments.
That said, your recovery will come quicker, exponentially.
So, about your letter...CHECK YOUR MOTIVES. Why are you sending it? Why are you really sending it? Why? Now, next question, to what end? What do you hope to accomplish? What do you hope will happen?
This is a very important conversation to have with your sponsor. If you don't have one...go get one! LOL.
All the best.
Thank you, Bo!
I am still searching for a sponsor in my local area. Moving from a metropolis where I had access to a lot of meetings to a small town hosting only a weekly informal meeting (among friends) is quite a change and I am still trying to get used to the new flow.
Any suggestions in this department?
Such wise suggestions here. And thank you all for these reminders. Keep coming back ! wp
I am certain the move is a huge adjustment. I am blessed to also be in an area where there are many options for meetings. Many here as well as world wide don't have that luxury. We do have meetings here twice a day (look to the top left for the schedule and link to the meeting chat) which have served many - myself included at a time when getting out was difficult.
I wish you the best and hope you keep coming back! It does work when we work it...
Just wanted to say, "Welcome!" and commend you on your obvious growth in YOUR health! This is a dreadful disease to live alongside.
The letter was good. But even better you chose to put it in your God Box! I have one as well - upon suggestion by my sponsor- and use it often!
My experience about writing letters to my addicted loved one was the same as everyone here who posted earlier...the words were misunderstood, misconstrued and sometimes used against me. To be honest, I was never really "heard" until he embraced Recovery.
Just a word of caution... my addicted SO was not a reliable PIC while engaging in his DOC (drug of choice)/active in addiction - especially alcohol (that made him pass out a lot!).
I was "lucky" as the chaos of addiction didn't start until my kidlet was in 4th grade... and the heavy alcohol use not until in high school, so he could look after himself when I wasn't available. But the emotional scars are still very deep for him.
Stay strong, and keep coming back!
Peace to you!
You're welcome. Whatever option or options there are for face to face meetings where you live -- taken them! Go as often as possible. I would then look to telephone meetings. Go to the World Services website. You will find conference approved, official, alanon (telephone) meetings there. Just as an FYI -- this is not a conference approved alanon forum. Change is rarely easy, and a move can be one of the most stressful, change, triggers, etc.
As far as a sponsor -- I would read the WSO website, read the pamphlets and material on sponsorship. Find a person who you can relate to, what they share, how they share, their mindset, approach, perspective, on recovery. Find the person that when they share, you start shaking your head affirmatively. In person, on the telephone meetings, and if need be, here. Personally, in my experience, as it relates to recovery, getting better, making changes, working the program, working the steps, immersing yourself into the alanon program and tools, and more, for me, you can't "live your life" on a bulletin board. But, if this is your only option -- take it.
Focus on YOU. Immerse yourself in ACCEPTANCE. In my experience, a sponsor will take you to a level you cannot get to on your own. He/she can bring forth certain things you cannot do or get alone...perspective, objectivity, accountability, the ability to have someone other than you help you get out of where you are, and go to where you want to go, and so on.
Keep coming back.