I was wondering if anyone could explain what acting "as if", looks like in action/real life?
I read this today, Perhaps we feel 12 years old, instead of 42. To consciously behave like a responsible 42-year-old is out of the question. Acting "as if", is the next best thing, the program tells us, and it is.
Can anyone please explain what this would look like in action if we were following AlAnon? How do you do this?
Thank you,
Conflicted
-- Edited by Conflicted on Sunday 3rd of February 2019 11:42:11 PM
-- Edited by Conflicted on Monday 4th of February 2019 01:21:48 AM
Freetime said
Feb 4, 2019
Hi Conflicted, I'm not sure I understand the sentence you read, but this is my experience of "acting as if."
Let's say I am angry and frustrated because of someone else's drinking. I want to feel loving towards them, but I don't feel that way. I realize that acting out my anger won't do any good and I don't want to be that angry person. So I behave politely and calmly with this person, maybe doing kind things for them. I am acting "as if" I love them, even though I'm not feeling the love right now. (Not talking about enabling, but just controlling my own behavior so I don't spew forth my anger.) Eventually, I might come to feel more positive towards the person, but at least I haven't done damage to them or me.
I hope this helps.
DavidG said
Feb 4, 2019
Hmmm acting "as if" might also be called- "fake it til you make it".
Maybe neither term is Alanon 'conference approved'. A lot of things we say come directly out of the Alanon manual.
This will varies a bit from group to group- and person to person. For me the answer is in Tradition 4.
For me- I would talk about what is the norm for this group here- MIP Alanon... ...members here would have differing views- which I find healthy.
hotrod said
Feb 4, 2019
Hi Conflicted I can understand your confusion over this slogan"Act as if" or "Fake it until you make it".
I never attempted to use either because I felt i was a past master at both. These were my "GO to" tools as I walked in the world --never having the courage to be Me. Detachment ,let go and let god, helped me to see my actual feelings, know they were destructive , to myself and others and allowed me to choose a different response. without pretending.
Lyne said
Feb 4, 2019
Hi conflicted: I think FT explains as if well in her share. Also Betty describes what she prefers to do. In our closing statement at my face to face meeting, there is a line that says: take what you like and leave the rest. With all the tools , readings, what members say, etc., it is up to me to embrace what I think helps me heal, and truly I let the rest go. Healing is a long and complicated process , from the damage of alcoholism and addiction, but for me, it is well worth it. Keep coming back, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 4, 2019
Conflicted - Thanks for being here to ask this question... everybody learns and grows through this process!
I too was like Betty. I was a master at faking my life, faking how I really felt, covering up reality. So in working MY PROGRAM, I tried to be as authentic to myself as I could.
That being said, there was one area I just had to "Act As If" so that I could move forward... a belief in a power greater than myself...my Higher Power, or God if you will. I could not move through Step 3 without this tool.
DavidG said
Feb 4, 2019
hmmm, yes... the quote about the 12-year old emotions. May have come from the recovery movement around AA. Where is is says that emotional growth stops the day they pick up a drink. This applies to family members- who have no room for emotional growth either. Either because of our own family background- or because the situation we find ourselves in today.
The idea you are quoting is very familiar to me because I am in ACA, as well as Alanon. In ACA we do learn to focus on our "inner child". ...
canadianguy said
Feb 4, 2019
Great topic, and like some of the others, the first thought that came to mind was "fake it till you make it".
In Al-Anon, this can sometimes be somewhat like having a bit of 'blind faith' in the program, in that - even if you are NOT yet convinced that it is the "right" thing to do, you try to do it anyways, as it has been suggested by the tried & true experiences gained through our program....
For me, a good example was looking for bottles, when my AW was active.... I used to take great (pleasure?? - weird feeling for that) in searching AND finding all of the empty bottles around the house, thereby "catching" my AW.... Our program gently suggested that I might want to stop this activity, as it was keeping me enmeshed in HER drinking, and I was driving myself crazy in the process (my wise old sponsor once said to me bluntly "whoo hoo Tom, you "caught" your AW in a lie about her drinking - now that should really change things, right??). Sometimes sarcasm IS necessary, and of course he was really saying that finding her bottles didn't change a damn thing, so why would I waste my time..... So back to your question - before I was ready to fully accept that his words were, in fact, true.... I had a period of time that I simply didn't search because I believed that is what the guidance of our program would suggest was the healthiest choice for me..... After a while, my beliefs caught up, and I didn't look cuz I wanted to be healthier.
Tom
JerryF said
Feb 4, 2019
Reading this topic and the shares makes me feel as if I have been at a really helpful meeting. I have more experience now for responding in my life. Acting as of I knew/know and responding in that manner gave me progress toward changes I needed to have. Great Post. ((((hugs))))
El said
Feb 4, 2019
Hello all,
This a very interesting topic. Like Hotrod, I too "acted as if" in the past that was not in my best interest. I acted as if when I wanted to say no, but said yes.....resulting in anger and resentment toward myself. I acted as if an offensive comment was alright because I didn't want to rock the boat. I acted as if the dysfunction of my FOO wasn't a big deal, when it really was. I was untrue to my own feelings and self worth.
However, I think now the concept can and does come in handy. Rather than project fear and worry I will enter a situation as if my HP is walking with me with his hand on my shoulder, giving me strength. If I need to set a boundary that is making me quake in my boots, I will act as if it is the most natural thing in the world to stand up for what is important to me. It is like practicing until something feels comfortable enough to be a natural response. It's a version of a mini- pep talk!
Great responses from everyone!
El
Iamhere said
Feb 4, 2019
Lovely topic and great shares. I too did a bunch of acting before recovery but I also was quick to react to many people, places and things that were not even remotely about me, or my business. So, for me, act as if serves a couple of purposes. Recovery has taught me that I feel the most peace when I am doing the next right thing and/or being of service. Well - I can confess that there are days I don't wake up 'feeling the love' for others or wanting to do adulting. So, I will 'act as if', just for today, I am a willing, mature adult who can do the next right thing.
I can also say that it's not my natural nature to be a peaceful, prayerful person when I feel I am being attacked. So, it takes practice for me to pause, pray and then proceed. More often than not, if I reach for my recovery tools, I can 'act as if' I am an adult woman in recovery - not a crazy, needy person who's being sucked into the chaos/drama of another.
There have been many slogans and other that I've heard in recovery that didn't resonate with me at the time. Then, at some point on a later date, I will have an aha moment and it makes more sense. So long as I remain open and willing, I will continue to grow and learn....that's what I love about recovery!!
Hi Everyone,
I was wondering if anyone could explain what acting "as if", looks like in action/real life?
I read this today, Perhaps we feel 12 years old, instead of 42. To consciously behave like a responsible 42-year-old is out of the question. Acting "as if", is the next best thing, the program tells us, and it is.
Can anyone please explain what this would look like in action if we were following AlAnon? How do you do this?
Thank you,
Conflicted
-- Edited by Conflicted on Sunday 3rd of February 2019 11:42:11 PM
-- Edited by Conflicted on Monday 4th of February 2019 01:21:48 AM
Let's say I am angry and frustrated because of someone else's drinking. I want to feel loving towards them, but I don't feel that way. I realize that acting out my anger won't do any good and I don't want to be that angry person. So I behave politely and calmly with this person, maybe doing kind things for them. I am acting "as if" I love them, even though I'm not feeling the love right now. (Not talking about enabling, but just controlling my own behavior so I don't spew forth my anger.) Eventually, I might come to feel more positive towards the person, but at least I haven't done damage to them or me.
I hope this helps.
Hmmm acting "as if" might also be called- "fake it til you make it".
Maybe neither term is Alanon 'conference approved'. A lot of things we say come directly out of the Alanon manual.
This will varies a bit from group to group- and person to person. For me the answer is in Tradition 4.
For me- I would talk about what is the norm for this group here- MIP Alanon... ...members here would have differing views- which I find healthy.
Hi Conflicted I can understand your confusion over this slogan"Act as if" or "Fake it until you make it".
I never attempted to use either because I felt i was a past master at both. These were my "GO to" tools as I walked in the world --never having the courage to be Me. Detachment ,let go and let god, helped me to see my actual feelings, know they were destructive , to myself and others and allowed me to choose a different response. without pretending.
I too was like Betty. I was a master at faking my life, faking how I really felt, covering up reality. So in working MY PROGRAM, I tried to be as authentic to myself as I could.
That being said, there was one area I just had to "Act As If" so that I could move forward... a belief in a power greater than myself...my Higher Power, or God if you will. I could not move through Step 3 without this tool.
hmmm, yes... the quote about the 12-year old emotions. May have come from the recovery movement around AA. Where is is says that emotional growth stops the day they pick up a drink. This applies to family members- who have no room for emotional growth either. Either because of our own family background- or because the situation we find ourselves in today.
The idea you are quoting is very familiar to me because I am in ACA, as well as Alanon. In ACA we do learn to focus on our "inner child".
...
Great topic, and like some of the others, the first thought that came to mind was "fake it till you make it".
In Al-Anon, this can sometimes be somewhat like having a bit of 'blind faith' in the program, in that - even if you are NOT yet convinced that it is the "right" thing to do, you try to do it anyways, as it has been suggested by the tried & true experiences gained through our program....
For me, a good example was looking for bottles, when my AW was active.... I used to take great (pleasure?? - weird feeling for that) in searching AND finding all of the empty bottles around the house, thereby "catching" my AW.... Our program gently suggested that I might want to stop this activity, as it was keeping me enmeshed in HER drinking, and I was driving myself crazy in the process (my wise old sponsor once said to me bluntly "whoo hoo Tom, you "caught" your AW in a lie about her drinking - now that should really change things, right??). Sometimes sarcasm IS necessary, and of course he was really saying that finding her bottles didn't change a damn thing, so why would I waste my time..... So back to your question - before I was ready to fully accept that his words were, in fact, true.... I had a period of time that I simply didn't search because I believed that is what the guidance of our program would suggest was the healthiest choice for me..... After a while, my beliefs caught up, and I didn't look cuz I wanted to be healthier.
Tom
Reading this topic and the shares makes me feel as if I have been at a really helpful meeting. I have more experience now for responding in my life. Acting as of I knew/know and responding in that manner gave me progress toward changes I needed to have. Great Post. ((((hugs))))
Hello all,
This a very interesting topic. Like Hotrod, I too "acted as if" in the past that was not in my best interest. I acted as if when I wanted to say no, but said yes.....resulting in anger and resentment toward myself. I acted as if an offensive comment was alright because I didn't want to rock the boat. I acted as if the dysfunction of my FOO wasn't a big deal, when it really was. I was untrue to my own feelings and self worth.
However, I think now the concept can and does come in handy. Rather than project fear and worry I will enter a situation as if my HP is walking with me with his hand on my shoulder, giving me strength. If I need to set a boundary that is making me quake in my boots, I will act as if it is the most natural thing in the world to stand up for what is important to me. It is like practicing until something feels comfortable enough to be a natural response. It's a version of a mini- pep talk!
Great responses from everyone!
El
I can also say that it's not my natural nature to be a peaceful, prayerful person when I feel I am being attacked. So, it takes practice for me to pause, pray and then proceed. More often than not, if I reach for my recovery tools, I can 'act as if' I am an adult woman in recovery - not a crazy, needy person who's being sucked into the chaos/drama of another.
There have been many slogans and other that I've heard in recovery that didn't resonate with me at the time. Then, at some point on a later date, I will have an aha moment and it makes more sense. So long as I remain open and willing, I will continue to grow and learn....that's what I love about recovery!!