The kids wanted some friends over today. I knew AH would be drinking so I told them they could have them over for a couple of hours but that they couldnt stay the night. When AH found out they werent staying over he asked me why. I started to hem-haw around but he pushed so I was honest with him. I told him I didnt like their friends over when he was drinking. He got mad and was upset that I was making plans based on him. He has a point - I did do that (and I understand that is counter to what Alanon is about). But there have been times in the past where he has embarrassed them due to his drinking and so for the past year or so I try to make sure things are planned for times I know hell be sober. Anyway, I wasnt angry or accusatory or blaming - I was just stating it as a fact, nothing more. Now he wont talk to me and Im feeling guilty. I feel like we just took a huge step backward in our relationship due to my honesty. Was I wrong to try to protect my kids from potential embarrassment? Was that an improper boundary to set? Maybe I am wrong and I should let whatever happens happen but our kids are very sensitive to AHs drinking and I want to protect them as much as I can from any fallout due to it. Should I have lied or come up with a different excuse? I could have easily done that. I could have said I didnt feel well or that I needed some quiet time. But I didnt. I felt like he deserved some honesty. And now Im left feeling so badly about it that my stomach is actually upset. Ive checked my motives. I honestly wasnt trying to hurt him. Telling him wasnt my way of exacting any sort of revenge or to place blame. It was/is just the reality of the situation.
JerryF said
Feb 2, 2019
Twinkies your behavior and reasons for it are normal for the enabler taking responsibility for a situation beyond our control...That was your part in it and then what was his part in it? My thoughts? You've done the best you can with what you have. If alcoholism wasn't in the picture how would it come out. When I went thru situations like this in the past I could respond to my alcoholic/addict with "Ohhhh Well" and then leave it alone. I stopped placing the target on my back. ((((hugs))))
Freetime said
Feb 2, 2019
You were protecting your children and their friends. You said what you meant, meant what you said, and did not say it meanly. In my view, there is no guilt at all on your part. If he chooses to feel guilty or resentful, that is his side of the street.
And yet, I understand how uncomfortable this is for you. It's not fun living in the house with these awkward feelings. But I think you did something heroic for your children and yourself. And for him, too, by telling the truth. It's heroic because it is hard, but you did it anyway.
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2019
Twinkies - I just wrote in your other post and I'll restate it here - we are not responsible for how anyone else acts, reacts, responds, etc. Over time and with a good sponsor, I was able to use I statements when confronted instead of you statements. I made decisions with the information I had available, and if if/when my A asked, I would just say, "I wasn't in the mood for a sleepover tonight."
In my world, when extra kids were here, the risk of an alcoholic incident was just one element of added stress. I also ended up doing 'it' all alone - so had to go from parenting 2 kids to x kids, alone. That's a ton of work and some times I was in the mood or ready for it and other times not. Al-Anon really helped me with Yes and No as complete answers without added words, reasons, etc.
When my house got uncomfortable, I would hibernate in my bedroom, take a shower/bath, do laundry or call a friend for coffee. There's an old saying - Misery loves company - when mine chose to stomp around and/or pout, I had to learn how to move on. It's uncomfortable at first but gets easier with practice. Take good care of you and the kids and allow him to be and do him.
Hang in there. (((Hugs)))
PosiesandPuppies said
Feb 3, 2019
((((Twinkies))))
I am giving you hugs b/c I lived this every day. I tried to protect my kid from knowing, from the side-effects (being embarrassed in front of friends). But until Al-Anon and some strength and knowledge about co-dependency, I used excuses. What did that get us? A spouse/father that still drank, resentments for me that built over time, and a son who grew up with the knowledge that his house could never be the cool, "hang-out" house. All that I did to deflect or mitigate, did nothing for us long-term.
When I began embracing Al-Anon, I did exactly what you have done here... I tried to say what I meant. If the situation was b/c of spouse's drinking, I did not hide that fact. I stated it as non-accusatory as I could. What I found was that no matter how I stated it, he would always take offense and go pout and tell me I was not supporting him, b/c HE DID NOT LIKE HAVING HIS ISSUE POINTED OUT! The rooms of Al-Anon and the good folks here helped me to understand that his reaction was something I needn't feel guilty about.
I do not think you set an improper boundary. I even think that you stated FACTS and did not spew out anger about them. You cannot help that he does not like the facts. I know from experience that it is super hard not to feel the guilt. But please try not to. Like IAH said above, do something to get yourself away from the "big baby/pouty" behavior - even if you have to take a shower and repeat a mantra of, "I will not feel guilty about facts!" the whole time!
Wishing you a peaceful Sunday!
Bo said
Feb 4, 2019
Twinkies wrote:
The kids wanted some friends over today. I knew AH would be drinking so I told them they could have them over for a couple of hours but that they couldnt stay the night. When AH found out they werent staying over he asked me why. I started to hem-haw around but he pushed so I was honest with him. I told him I didnt like their friends over when he was drinking. He got mad and was upset that I was making plans based on him. He has a point - I did do that (and I understand that is counter to what Alanon is about). But there have been times in the past where he has embarrassed them due to his drinking and so for the past year or so I try to make sure things are planned for times I know hell be sober. Anyway, I wasnt angry or accusatory or blaming - I was just stating it as a fact, nothing more. Now he wont talk to me and Im feeling guilty. I feel like we just took a huge step backward in our relationship due to my honesty. Was I wrong to try to protect my kids from potential embarrassment? Was that an improper boundary to set? Maybe I am wrong and I should let whatever happens happen but our kids are very sensitive to AHs drinking and I want to protect them as much as I can from any fallout due to it. Should I have lied or come up with a different excuse? I could have easily done that. I could have said I didnt feel well or that I needed some quiet time. But I didnt. I felt like he deserved some honesty. And now Im left feeling so badly about it that my stomach is actually upset. Ive checked my motives. I honestly wasnt trying to hurt him. Telling him wasnt my way of exacting any sort of revenge or to place blame. It was/is just the reality of the situation.
I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. To me, it sounds like you are feeling guilty NOT because of what you did, BUT because of what your AH said. Big difference. The big step backward feeling is him making you feel guilty, sorry for what you did. That's part of the disease. His and your disease too. A big step backward...in a relationship with an active alcoholic?
I don't think you did anything wrong in trying to protect your kids. Your husband is an alcoholic. You are supposed to set boundaries, and manage risk. No, that was not an improper boundary to set, not in my experience and in my opinion. No, I would not have lied. You have every right to do what you did -- but you are worried about what he thinks. There is your disease.
Keep doing what you are doing -- talk to your sponsor as well!!! This is part of the program, part of recovery, we struggle with. Remember, your husband is an alcoholic. You have to take care of you and your kids.
milkwood said
Feb 5, 2019
((((((Twinkies))))))
I feel guilty like that sometimes as well - but then I think something along the lines of the following....
I have a 'child' in me who also needs honouring and protecting and one of the values that my 'child' cares about is honesty. When I sell myself short and deny my sense of reality to protect someone else I feel a part of me wilting away. So I try my best to protect my serenity and integrity whilst also accepting that someone else's sense of reality could be different to my own.
Sometimes, how the world seems to me does not reflect well on my husband's behaviour and whilst I am sad about that, it is my truth. I can see how, for him, it may feel hurtful because, lets face it, I am not trusting his behaviour. (At this point I usually let myself of the hook by asking 'based on past experience, why would I?')
As a result of doing what feels right for me there have been times when AH has withdrawn and not spoken to me for a few days. This feels horrible and is not really fair or reasonable IMHO, but given the knock to AH's self-esteem I can kind of understand it as well. So when I'm doing well I simply get on with enjoying my life, maybe thinking of how I'd react to a lovely wild animal that has had a fright and wants to stay in its burrow for a while and how I might entice us to reconnect. When I'm not doing so well I feel guilty, resentful and petulant myself, perhaps thinking of a toddler who is having a manipulative sulk - which probably applies to both of us!!
Sometimes, not always, after a few days my husband apologises and has even thanked me for my honesty. When this happens I feel glad to have reflected honestly to him.
So, I wonder if perhaps a truth has struck home and perhaps that is uncomfortable? And I wonder if that is a good thing on balance?
I'm so sorry that any of us have to make these types of calls in our life. ((((Hugs)))))
Twinkies your behavior and reasons for it are normal for the enabler taking responsibility for a situation beyond our control...That was your part in it and then what was his part in it? My thoughts? You've done the best you can with what you have. If alcoholism wasn't in the picture how would it come out. When I went thru situations like this in the past I could respond to my alcoholic/addict with "Ohhhh Well" and then leave it alone. I stopped placing the target on my back. ((((hugs))))
And yet, I understand how uncomfortable this is for you. It's not fun living in the house with these awkward feelings. But I think you did something heroic for your children and yourself. And for him, too, by telling the truth. It's heroic because it is hard, but you did it anyway.
In my world, when extra kids were here, the risk of an alcoholic incident was just one element of added stress. I also ended up doing 'it' all alone - so had to go from parenting 2 kids to x kids, alone. That's a ton of work and some times I was in the mood or ready for it and other times not. Al-Anon really helped me with Yes and No as complete answers without added words, reasons, etc.
When my house got uncomfortable, I would hibernate in my bedroom, take a shower/bath, do laundry or call a friend for coffee. There's an old saying - Misery loves company - when mine chose to stomp around and/or pout, I had to learn how to move on. It's uncomfortable at first but gets easier with practice. Take good care of you and the kids and allow him to be and do him.
Hang in there. (((Hugs)))
I am giving you hugs b/c I lived this every day. I tried to protect my kid from knowing, from the side-effects (being embarrassed in front of friends). But until Al-Anon and some strength and knowledge about co-dependency, I used excuses. What did that get us? A spouse/father that still drank, resentments for me that built over time, and a son who grew up with the knowledge that his house could never be the cool, "hang-out" house. All that I did to deflect or mitigate, did nothing for us long-term.
When I began embracing Al-Anon, I did exactly what you have done here... I tried to say what I meant. If the situation was b/c of spouse's drinking, I did not hide that fact. I stated it as non-accusatory as I could. What I found was that no matter how I stated it, he would always take offense and go pout and tell me I was not supporting him, b/c HE DID NOT LIKE HAVING HIS ISSUE POINTED OUT! The rooms of Al-Anon and the good folks here helped me to understand that his reaction was something I needn't feel guilty about.
I do not think you set an improper boundary. I even think that you stated FACTS and did not spew out anger about them. You cannot help that he does not like the facts. I know from experience that it is super hard not to feel the guilt. But please try not to. Like IAH said above, do something to get yourself away from the "big baby/pouty" behavior - even if you have to take a shower and repeat a mantra of, "I will not feel guilty about facts!" the whole time!
Wishing you a peaceful Sunday!
I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. To me, it sounds like you are feeling guilty NOT because of what you did, BUT because of what your AH said. Big difference. The big step backward feeling is him making you feel guilty, sorry for what you did. That's part of the disease. His and your disease too. A big step backward...in a relationship with an active alcoholic?
I don't think you did anything wrong in trying to protect your kids. Your husband is an alcoholic. You are supposed to set boundaries, and manage risk. No, that was not an improper boundary to set, not in my experience and in my opinion. No, I would not have lied. You have every right to do what you did -- but you are worried about what he thinks. There is your disease.
Keep doing what you are doing -- talk to your sponsor as well!!! This is part of the program, part of recovery, we struggle with. Remember, your husband is an alcoholic. You have to take care of you and your kids.
I feel guilty like that sometimes as well - but then I think something along the lines of the following....
I have a 'child' in me who also needs honouring and protecting and one of the values that my 'child' cares about is honesty. When I sell myself short and deny my sense of reality to protect someone else I feel a part of me wilting away. So I try my best to protect my serenity and integrity whilst also accepting that someone else's sense of reality could be different to my own.
Sometimes, how the world seems to me does not reflect well on my husband's behaviour and whilst I am sad about that, it is my truth. I can see how, for him, it may feel hurtful because, lets face it, I am not trusting his behaviour. (At this point I usually let myself of the hook by asking 'based on past experience, why would I?')
As a result of doing what feels right for me there have been times when AH has withdrawn and not spoken to me for a few days. This feels horrible and is not really fair or reasonable IMHO, but given the knock to AH's self-esteem I can kind of understand it as well. So when I'm doing well I simply get on with enjoying my life, maybe thinking of how I'd react to a lovely wild animal that has had a fright and wants to stay in its burrow for a while and how I might entice us to reconnect. When I'm not doing so well I feel guilty, resentful and petulant myself, perhaps thinking of a toddler who is having a manipulative sulk - which probably applies to both of us!!
Sometimes, not always, after a few days my husband apologises and has even thanked me for my honesty. When this happens I feel glad to have reflected honestly to him.
So, I wonder if perhaps a truth has struck home and perhaps that is uncomfortable? And I wonder if that is a good thing on balance?
I'm so sorry that any of us have to make these types of calls in our life. ((((Hugs)))))