For the past 6 months my husband has been in and out of detox and sober living. He only lived at home for about a week in October. We have 2 kids (7 and 11). He was a heavy drinker for a long time and I know that recovery will take a long time. Some days are good- he's happy, patient, and positive. Other days he's depressed and achy and grumpy. Totally normal, I know.
I am exhausted. I'm doing everything I can to keep some stability and deal with my kids' anger. My husband obviously isn't reliable or able to provide much support for me. So here is the thing-
He is asking me to commit to our future. I have told him repeatedly that Of course I want things to work out for us, but I can't commit to a relationship where I can't rely on my partner for support and stability. I'm not angry at him, I know he's doing the best he can. I mean, of course I'm angry but I get it.
I feel guilty that I'm not making his recovery easier. I know this isn't the case, but when I talk to him I feel like I owe him a guarantee of some sort. Tell me that isn't what marriage is...
hotrod said
Feb 2, 2019
JustforMe now You know there are no guarantees in life. Neither AA or Alanon promise us a Rose garden I think you have done well in defining you principles so that going forward ODAT, using alanon principles will point the way Good luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 2nd of February 2019 06:48:36 PM
JerryF said
Feb 2, 2019
Justformenow...great share and I agree with what Betty added to it.
I am a double; a member of both programs having been raised in this disease and totally affected by it. I just came home from my Saturday morning AA by the Bay group where I sat with and listened to many very honest and courageous alcoholics who are taking responsibility for their recovery totally; not only not drinking; including fulfilling their other responsibilities such as families and marriages. It was awesome sitting and listening to the voices of recovery.
Keep coming back and continue to ask for his responsibility to the family. If he is just not drinking he only has part of recovery. ((((hugs))))
2HP said
Feb 2, 2019
I relate to that black and white, all or nothing, gimme, gimme, now now now! attitude my AH did this as well.
In hindsight, I assume he longed for a sense of security and this was his way of manipulating what he needed. Difference between you and me is I'd fall for it! At that time, it felt so powerful....
But as you seem to know, we are not meant to enable wrong ideas... or otherwise make it "easy" for anyone. Everyone is meant to seek the real Solution on their own... putting MYSELF in the god position or donning a superman cape cannot work.
My AH's behavior never changed. when I could no longer live with alcoholism, I did file for divorce. His response:
"You said you'd love me FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!"
so I just wanted to chime in and applaud your honesty with him, saying what you mean, meaning what you say.... is perfect!
To me, it seems you are indeed honoring yourself with self-protection (boundaries.) Problem is, people don't like us as much when we change... and start putting up boundaries. It was another skill I had to learn in Al-anon, how to be okay inside when someone is not pleased with me
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 2nd of February 2019 07:50:11 PM
Iamhere said
Feb 2, 2019
(((JustforMeNow))) - I don't know that I have anything to add beyond what's been written. I am a big believer also of when in doubt, don't. This applies to my words, actions, deeds, etc. I try today to think things through focusing on the present without projecting into the future. I do know that when mine have demanded answers, I have continued to be true to me and suggest I didn't know what the future holds. You are doing great - I think your boundaries sound fair, realistic and logical. Just keep doing you as best you can!
For the past 6 months my husband has been in and out of detox and sober living. He only lived at home for about a week in October. We have 2 kids (7 and 11). He was a heavy drinker for a long time and I know that recovery will take a long time. Some days are good- he's happy, patient, and positive. Other days he's depressed and achy and grumpy. Totally normal, I know.
I am exhausted. I'm doing everything I can to keep some stability and deal with my kids' anger. My husband obviously isn't reliable or able to provide much support for me. So here is the thing-
He is asking me to commit to our future. I have told him repeatedly that Of course I want things to work out for us, but I can't commit to a relationship where I can't rely on my partner for support and stability. I'm not angry at him, I know he's doing the best he can. I mean, of course I'm angry but I get it.
I feel guilty that I'm not making his recovery easier. I know this isn't the case, but when I talk to him I feel like I owe him a guarantee of some sort. Tell me that isn't what marriage is...
JustforMe now You know there are no guarantees in life. Neither AA or Alanon promise us a Rose garden I think you have done well in defining you principles so that going forward ODAT, using alanon principles will point the way Good luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Saturday 2nd of February 2019 06:48:36 PM
Justformenow...great share and I agree with what Betty added to it.
I am a double; a member of both programs having been raised in this disease and totally affected by it. I just came home from my Saturday morning AA by the Bay group where I sat with and listened to many very honest and courageous alcoholics who are taking responsibility for their recovery totally; not only not drinking; including fulfilling their other responsibilities such as families and marriages. It was awesome sitting and listening to the voices of recovery.
Keep coming back and continue to ask for his responsibility to the family. If he is just not drinking he only has part of recovery. ((((hugs))))
I relate to that black and white, all or nothing, gimme, gimme, now now now! attitude my AH did this as well.
In hindsight, I assume he longed for a sense of security and this was his way of manipulating what he needed. Difference between you and me is I'd fall for it! At that time, it felt so powerful....
But as you seem to know, we are not meant to enable wrong ideas... or otherwise make it "easy" for anyone. Everyone is meant to seek the real Solution on their own... putting MYSELF in the god position or donning a superman cape cannot work.
My AH's behavior never changed. when I could no longer live with alcoholism, I did file for divorce. His response:
"You said you'd love me FOREVER!!!!!!!!!!!"
so I just wanted to chime in and applaud your honesty with him, saying what you mean, meaning what you say.... is perfect!
To me, it seems you are indeed honoring yourself with self-protection (boundaries.) Problem is, people don't like us as much when we change... and start putting up boundaries. It was another skill I had to learn in Al-anon, how to be okay inside when someone is not pleased with me
(((big hugs)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Saturday 2nd of February 2019 07:50:11 PM