I have written here over the last few weeks about the mix of emotions I've experienced when my ex-husband of 3 years (married 20, divorced 3 that is) announced that he was going to rehab over the month of December and did indeed go. I was surprised at the strength of emotions it brought up in me, a lot of which had to do with looking backwards and thinking "what if." Some was huge anger. Some was regret and sadness. A lot of work to help my daughter cope with realizing that her dad had been lying to her all along when he said he'd stopped drinking. Thanks to meetings and you all here and reading and journaling, I kept pulling myself back into my own lane. But still, it continues to surprise me.
I am trying to be gentle with myself around this. Coping with Ex's drinking and its affect on my family has been a huge part of the last 23 years of my life. For some of it - not in recent years -- I thought that if he'd JUST acknowledge the problem, we could fix things. If he's JUST stop drinking, we could fix things. I now think "if he was JUST George Clooney, we could have had a happy marriage." It is that unrealistic and that unlikely -- and of course, drinking wasn't the only issue. So I guess it's normal that I'd have sadness and a lot of other emotions around his deciding to look at his drinking now.
Ex came out of rehab a week ago. I have only had a short conversation with him, in connection with making arrangements for him to spend time with our daughter. But in that conversation, he said that rehab was really boring; stopping drinking was "easy" but he was angry that they didn't let him take xanax and it was a big misunderstanding and their mistake that they wouldn't let him take xanax; the AA meetings were a waste of time and he is never going to another one as long as he lives; the people in rehab weren't "his sort of people"; that the AA principles don't make sense and aren't sound; it was just boring, boring, boring ... that was the gist.
What struck me as I was listening was that I wasn't surprised. But I was sad. A missed opportunity. The force of his denial and addiction. And as I have continued to think about how this past month has affected me, I realized that I've learned some important things.
That the presence of alcoholism in my marriage and family life didn't go away when we separated. The thread is still there, affecting our interactions and my feelings about my marriage and family and even about myself.
That I still feel concern for my Ex and hope he can find a way to manage this in his life -- for his sake and our daughter's sake. But that she and I will be just fine regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
That he is who he is, and he's going to do what he's going to do and think what he's going to think. Yes, that old lesson. That looking for him for awareness -- about himself, let alone about how his drinking and xanax use have affected our daughter and me -- is that bread-at-the-hardware-store thing.
That, on some level, I have continued to harbor a tiny hope that he'll realize how his substance abuse affected me and our daughter, and that he'll show some remorse or even apologize. For validation? Closure? I'm not even sure. But yes-- there's no bread at the hardware store.
That at this point, it's not about managing my expectations about Ex. It's about not having any expectations at all, letting them go.
That it will continue to require work on my part to keep to my own lane. I think of it a bit like having a misaligned car, how it can veer a bit in one direction or another if you don't keep your hands on the wheel and attention on driving in the lane. Years of unhealthy enmeshment with an alcoholic have misaligned my emotional steering, and I have to keep paying attention to steer straight.
And, as one friend reminds me, IT"S EASY. I don't have to worry about Ex. All I have to do is take care of me and my daughter.
So, weirdly, I think I have learned a lot from this experience.
tiredtonite said
Jan 29, 2019
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the affects on the family. As I read through your post I was reminded of the stark difference between someone who has found recovery as opposed to someone who is still out there wondering why all of this is happening to them. I understand and relate to your sadness concerning his lack of progress and awareness and the affects on your daughter and yourself.
My partner's children are choosing not to be in Alanon recovery and rejecting their sober father's efforts to know them more and make amends to them. It seems no matter how vibrant, emotionally available, open and willing he is, the idea that he is some useless (you fill in the blank) who made a conscious decision to drink and ruin their lives continues. The kicker is that the few times a year they visit with us, they resent that they're unable to drink in our home. The family is filled with undeclared alcoholics but those who are functioning, not progressed in the disease are considered responsible drinkers. So what's wrong with dad? Why can't he just drink without overdoing it?
We've felt a sense of powerlessness as we watch his adult children attach themselves to active alcoholics and addicts and desperately cling and refuse to accept the ending of love relationships. There have been instances of controlling or forcing themselves on people who have been clear that they don't want to be involved with them. Their mother has married alcoholic 2 who we have seen on rare ocassions. My partner told me that she had attended one Alanon meeting and decided he was tht problem and the program wasn't for her. Her new husband is puffed up, loud, boisterous and attention seeking and drunk at the family celebrations we are permitted to attend. She left my partner for this guy. So history will repeat itself until we choose to make changes for the better through seeking and continuing to participate in 12 step recovery in my humble opinion. I thought getting together with someone sober, attending AA and living an Alanon program based life would lead to greater contentment but there are not only unrecovering A family members but unrecovering family members. Sometimes working Alanon concerning family members can feel a bit like working it dealing with an active alcoholic so.. it never ends. Expectations in balance and keeping my side of the street clean odaat.
Norasq, I think there just no winning in all of this. Here I have someone who is sober and myself in Alanon and we still can't make headway with family who are not only not in AA recovery but also those who don't see any reason to be in Alanon recovery. As you mentioned, you and your daughter will continue to move forward. I hope if your daughter is of age and hasn't already done so, she finds some understanding and unconditional love within the Alanon program. I did bring a few of my partner's children with me on separate ocassions to an Alanon meeting but as you know this is a program of attraction not promotion. I just keep trying to bring my best self to this family situation and let go of what isn't my business. I am only a part of recent history and that's that's where my responsible begins and ends.
I will say that as a person in this program finally understanding alcoholism as an "illness" was very freeing. I believed I was responsible, in some way causing my exah's addiction. As a kid, I believed I was the cause of my dad's drinking because sometimes arguments between my parents were about me. It would have been so helpful to have a program like Alateen to understand that my father was drinking because he was an alcoholic and not anything I either did or did not do. My self worth would not have suffered.
Anyway, it sounds like your exah went through the motions at rehab much like my exah. They are ready if and when they are ready and not a moment sooner. I'm glad that due to Alanon I was able to find the humility to see myself as uncured, imperfect, human not superior to my father who suffered with the disease of alcoholism or my exah with addiction. Many of my own behaviors were unacceptable towards both of them because I assigned them the label of damaged and saw myself as well and with the right to judge. And as far as the "if onlies," higher power has us right where we are mean't to be. Who knows what wonderful experiences and people are in our future only hp does. Just when I believed there would never be another person I would love more than my ex, ended up loving myself more thanks to this program. My new relationship with my partner is a lot less flashy and a lot more sane and healthy. I'm glad I let go of that happily ever after thing based on where someone else thinks I should be today. Pffft! I have so much more freedom now to make choices for my own life. Hp helped me through my divorce to do for me what I couldn't do for myself and has continued to guide my life ever since. It feels better to seek, invite and welcome healthier people to stay in my life today. I deserve the sanity and serenity that comes with that.
Thanks for sharing lots of Alanon wisdom, your experience and feelings about your ex's stint in rehab. Glad you're here recovering with me and choosing a happy, joyous and free life for you and your daughter. ((hugs))) TT
JerryF said
Jan 29, 2019
Thank you both for your ESH. I find them both very helpful and hopeful and while they caused me to rethink my own recovery in both programs they both reminded me of the power of our program and those who came before me and shared their wisdom freely.
My recovery took what it takes to arrived where I am at now and in proper time the wisdoms from the elders where what I needed to hear and continue to practice. Just one of these wisdoms became a daily task and rule. "If you keep and OPEN MIND you will find help". Open mindedness; listen to it all; practice what has worked for others and give it away often.
Again thanks for the ESH. ((((HUGS))))
Iamhere said
Jan 29, 2019
Great topic and great shares. Thanks for all above me. I am always amazed at the internal tug of war I experience when the disease rises around me. I know from recovery that I am powerless yet a part of me, the heart/feeling part actually crumbles to watch the destruction and be powerless.
In the rooms of AA, we always welcome back those who have stopped by and found it not for them (not ready/willing/able). Just like Al-Anon, there is no judgement and over the years, it is what it is. I sit in my home and watch my youngest child fighting this disease and begin his downward spiral. It is absolutely heart breaking and mind numbing all at once. Yet, I know because of my own experience that I can't decide what his bottom is/will be. I'm hopeful it doesn't include death, but that's a real possibility. I've watched it over and over again, and just this morning, we lost a nephew to an overdose.
When I can pull out my tools and keep my focus on me and trust God, I know that seeds are planted each time a 'candidate' attends treatment or meetings. When one gets sick enough, they will end up in one of three places - recovery, jail or buried. This disease does kill and yet many also find the road to recovery. It still baffles me - I guess that's why we are works in progress.
TT - my family is full of excessive drinkers. I struggled to be around them when I got in recovery but over time, as I've 'grown up', I've been able to accept them much more than before. Both of my boys are really, really angry at my AH and do all that they can to avoid him. We are still a dysfunctional family that doesn't know how to communicate, but like you, I do what I can to keep my side of the street clean. I do better some days than others - it is what it is!
norasq - I love that you felt your feelings and then used the program to deal and heal. That's exactly how recovery works. I am glad you're at a place of peace to see what you need to see and take good care of you and your daughter. One Day at a Time, we just keep moving forward! Keep doing you - looks great on you!
norasq said
Jan 30, 2019
Thank you all for your responses and your sharing. I guess I am still learning how the recovery process is an ongoing one, not a "Did that! Done!" sort of thing. I've been hearing that, and reading that, but still it surprises me when I feel it. It's another lesson in being present, where you are, in each moment.
tiredtonite, it sounds like your recovery work is helping you a lot in your partner's family dynamic. Challenging, to be sure, but it sounds like you have a solid partnership. Me, I'm finding it hard to even think about dating. I think when I'm ready, I'll know but for now I'm just enjoying being with me. And my daughter, and my very lovely sweet 2 year old puppy. Getting that dog is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Iamhere, your comment about recovery, jail or buried is so true. Sad, but true.
thank you again. I get so much wisdom here.
JerryF said
Jan 30, 2019
While in the last few days my appreciation of all things recovery, including MIP has grown in gratitude and intention I have also watched and listened to the growth in awareness outside of recovery...the industry and medical forums and such. It reminds me of my own participation in those areas before coming home and then after which I came home and worked a portion of Rehab including familial violence and addiction. Remember we have a 12th step. (((hugs)))
I have written here over the last few weeks about the mix of emotions I've experienced when my ex-husband of 3 years (married 20, divorced 3 that is) announced that he was going to rehab over the month of December and did indeed go. I was surprised at the strength of emotions it brought up in me, a lot of which had to do with looking backwards and thinking "what if." Some was huge anger. Some was regret and sadness. A lot of work to help my daughter cope with realizing that her dad had been lying to her all along when he said he'd stopped drinking. Thanks to meetings and you all here and reading and journaling, I kept pulling myself back into my own lane. But still, it continues to surprise me.
I am trying to be gentle with myself around this. Coping with Ex's drinking and its affect on my family has been a huge part of the last 23 years of my life. For some of it - not in recent years -- I thought that if he'd JUST acknowledge the problem, we could fix things. If he's JUST stop drinking, we could fix things. I now think "if he was JUST George Clooney, we could have had a happy marriage." It is that unrealistic and that unlikely -- and of course, drinking wasn't the only issue. So I guess it's normal that I'd have sadness and a lot of other emotions around his deciding to look at his drinking now.
Ex came out of rehab a week ago. I have only had a short conversation with him, in connection with making arrangements for him to spend time with our daughter. But in that conversation, he said that rehab was really boring; stopping drinking was "easy" but he was angry that they didn't let him take xanax and it was a big misunderstanding and their mistake that they wouldn't let him take xanax; the AA meetings were a waste of time and he is never going to another one as long as he lives; the people in rehab weren't "his sort of people"; that the AA principles don't make sense and aren't sound; it was just boring, boring, boring ... that was the gist.
What struck me as I was listening was that I wasn't surprised. But I was sad. A missed opportunity. The force of his denial and addiction. And as I have continued to think about how this past month has affected me, I realized that I've learned some important things.
That the presence of alcoholism in my marriage and family life didn't go away when we separated. The thread is still there, affecting our interactions and my feelings about my marriage and family and even about myself.
That I still feel concern for my Ex and hope he can find a way to manage this in his life -- for his sake and our daughter's sake. But that she and I will be just fine regardless of what he does or doesn't do.
That he is who he is, and he's going to do what he's going to do and think what he's going to think. Yes, that old lesson. That looking for him for awareness -- about himself, let alone about how his drinking and xanax use have affected our daughter and me -- is that bread-at-the-hardware-store thing.
That, on some level, I have continued to harbor a tiny hope that he'll realize how his substance abuse affected me and our daughter, and that he'll show some remorse or even apologize. For validation? Closure? I'm not even sure. But yes-- there's no bread at the hardware store.
That at this point, it's not about managing my expectations about Ex. It's about not having any expectations at all, letting them go.
That it will continue to require work on my part to keep to my own lane. I think of it a bit like having a misaligned car, how it can veer a bit in one direction or another if you don't keep your hands on the wheel and attention on driving in the lane. Years of unhealthy enmeshment with an alcoholic have misaligned my emotional steering, and I have to keep paying attention to steer straight.
And, as one friend reminds me, IT"S EASY. I don't have to worry about Ex. All I have to do is take care of me and my daughter.
So, weirdly, I think I have learned a lot from this experience.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on the affects on the family. As I read through your post I was reminded of the stark difference between someone who has found recovery as opposed to someone who is still out there wondering why all of this is happening to them. I understand and relate to your sadness concerning his lack of progress and awareness and the affects on your daughter and yourself.
My partner's children are choosing not to be in Alanon recovery and rejecting their sober father's efforts to know them more and make amends to them. It seems no matter how vibrant, emotionally available, open and willing he is, the idea that he is some useless (you fill in the blank) who made a conscious decision to drink and ruin their lives continues. The kicker is that the few times a year they visit with us, they resent that they're unable to drink in our home. The family is filled with undeclared alcoholics but those who are functioning, not progressed in the disease are considered responsible drinkers. So what's wrong with dad? Why can't he just drink without overdoing it?
We've felt a sense of powerlessness as we watch his adult children attach themselves to active alcoholics and addicts and desperately cling and refuse to accept the ending of love relationships. There have been instances of controlling or forcing themselves on people who have been clear that they don't want to be involved with them. Their mother has married alcoholic 2 who we have seen on rare ocassions. My partner told me that she had attended one Alanon meeting and decided he was tht problem and the program wasn't for her. Her new husband is puffed up, loud, boisterous and attention seeking and drunk at the family celebrations we are permitted to attend. She left my partner for this guy. So history will repeat itself until we choose to make changes for the better through seeking and continuing to participate in 12 step recovery in my humble opinion. I thought getting together with someone sober, attending AA and living an Alanon program based life would lead to greater contentment but there are not only unrecovering A family members but unrecovering family members. Sometimes working Alanon concerning family members can feel a bit like working it dealing with an active alcoholic so.. it never ends. Expectations in balance and keeping my side of the street clean odaat.
Norasq, I think there just no winning in all of this. Here I have someone who is sober and myself in Alanon and we still can't make headway with family who are not only not in AA recovery but also those who don't see any reason to be in Alanon recovery. As you mentioned, you and your daughter will continue to move forward. I hope if your daughter is of age and hasn't already done so, she finds some understanding and unconditional love within the Alanon program. I did bring a few of my partner's children with me on separate ocassions to an Alanon meeting but as you know this is a program of attraction not promotion. I just keep trying to bring my best self to this family situation and let go of what isn't my business. I am only a part of recent history and that's that's where my responsible begins and ends.
I will say that as a person in this program finally understanding alcoholism as an "illness" was very freeing. I believed I was responsible, in some way causing my exah's addiction. As a kid, I believed I was the cause of my dad's drinking because sometimes arguments between my parents were about me. It would have been so helpful to have a program like Alateen to understand that my father was drinking because he was an alcoholic and not anything I either did or did not do. My self worth would not have suffered.
Anyway, it sounds like your exah went through the motions at rehab much like my exah. They are ready if and when they are ready and not a moment sooner. I'm glad that due to Alanon I was able to find the humility to see myself as uncured, imperfect, human not superior to my father who suffered with the disease of alcoholism or my exah with addiction. Many of my own behaviors were unacceptable towards both of them because I assigned them the label of damaged and saw myself as well and with the right to judge. And as far as the "if onlies," higher power has us right where we are mean't to be. Who knows what wonderful experiences and people are in our future only hp does. Just when I believed there would never be another person I would love more than my ex, ended up loving myself more thanks to this program. My new relationship with my partner is a lot less flashy and a lot more sane and healthy. I'm glad I let go of that happily ever after thing based on where someone else thinks I should be today. Pffft! I have so much more freedom now to make choices for my own life. Hp helped me through my divorce to do for me what I couldn't do for myself and has continued to guide my life ever since. It feels better to seek, invite and welcome healthier people to stay in my life today. I deserve the sanity and serenity that comes with that.
Thanks for sharing lots of Alanon wisdom, your experience and feelings about your ex's stint in rehab. Glad you're here recovering with me and choosing a happy, joyous and free life for you and your daughter. ((hugs))) TT
Thank you both for your ESH. I find them both very helpful and hopeful and while they caused me to rethink my own recovery in both programs they both reminded me of the power of our program and those who came before me and shared their wisdom freely.
My recovery took what it takes to arrived where I am at now and in proper time the wisdoms from the elders where what I needed to hear and continue to practice. Just one of these wisdoms became a daily task and rule. "If you keep and OPEN MIND you will find help". Open mindedness; listen to it all; practice what has worked for others and give it away often.
Again thanks for the ESH. ((((HUGS))))
In the rooms of AA, we always welcome back those who have stopped by and found it not for them (not ready/willing/able). Just like Al-Anon, there is no judgement and over the years, it is what it is. I sit in my home and watch my youngest child fighting this disease and begin his downward spiral. It is absolutely heart breaking and mind numbing all at once. Yet, I know because of my own experience that I can't decide what his bottom is/will be. I'm hopeful it doesn't include death, but that's a real possibility. I've watched it over and over again, and just this morning, we lost a nephew to an overdose.
When I can pull out my tools and keep my focus on me and trust God, I know that seeds are planted each time a 'candidate' attends treatment or meetings. When one gets sick enough, they will end up in one of three places - recovery, jail or buried. This disease does kill and yet many also find the road to recovery. It still baffles me - I guess that's why we are works in progress.
TT - my family is full of excessive drinkers. I struggled to be around them when I got in recovery but over time, as I've 'grown up', I've been able to accept them much more than before. Both of my boys are really, really angry at my AH and do all that they can to avoid him. We are still a dysfunctional family that doesn't know how to communicate, but like you, I do what I can to keep my side of the street clean. I do better some days than others - it is what it is!
norasq - I love that you felt your feelings and then used the program to deal and heal. That's exactly how recovery works. I am glad you're at a place of peace to see what you need to see and take good care of you and your daughter. One Day at a Time, we just keep moving forward! Keep doing you - looks great on you!
tiredtonite, it sounds like your recovery work is helping you a lot in your partner's family dynamic. Challenging, to be sure, but it sounds like you have a solid partnership. Me, I'm finding it hard to even think about dating. I think when I'm ready, I'll know but for now I'm just enjoying being with me. And my daughter, and my very lovely sweet 2 year old puppy. Getting that dog is one of the best decisions I have ever made.
Iamhere, your comment about recovery, jail or buried is so true. Sad, but true.
thank you again. I get so much wisdom here.
While in the last few days my appreciation of all things recovery, including MIP has grown in gratitude and intention I have also watched and listened to the growth in awareness outside of recovery...the industry and medical forums and such. It reminds me of my own participation in those areas before coming home and then after which I came home and worked a portion of Rehab including familial violence and addiction. Remember we have a 12th step. (((hugs)))