Hi everyone, I'm new here and just I really want to talk about what's happening to me with people who have been there and done that. Well, when you hear the story I don't know that anyone has been exactly here, but at least some of you have maybe at least dealt with some form of this ridiculous situation that I find myself in.

My wife has been a heavy drinker all her life. We've been together 10 years, married three, and we both drank most of that time, her a LOT more than me, but I don't want to present myself as a non-drinker. I'm 50, she's 64. Second marriage for both, so no kids together. She has two grown daughters with their own families in another state.

Her drinking got worse and worse, until last year it was really out of control. She started missing work, drinking four bottles of wine nightly (only at home, so at least she wasn't driving). I stopped drinking almost altogether, as I was so worried about her all the time and her behavior actually put me off alcohol, anyway. I am what I suppose you would call a 'normal' or 'average' drinker in that I can take it or leave it - for whatever reason my brain isn't wired like an alcoholic's I guess. Not saying that to be smug in any way, just a fact. 

Fast forward to early December of 2018. It got so, so bad that she was missing work and was just drunk all the time, morning to night. I tried and tried to get her to slow down and, well, - this is Alanon so I'm pretty sure most of you know that goes.  She was having severe stomach pain, diarrhea, all of that. Went to a couple doctors but of course never mentioned that she was a heavy drinker. So, I ended up rushing her to the emergency room on 12/10, where she was diagnosed with a severe stomach bleed, gall stones, a bile stone, and (no surprise) cirrhosis. She was in the hospital a week where they medically detoxed her (and I sat all day, every day by her side), and told her that if she drinks again, she will die. 

Here's where it gets really jacked up. She hasn't had a drink since, so, good. BUT. I think she's gone crazy. She's filing for divorce, suddenly and completely out of the blue, wants rid of me, rid of our house, and won't speak to me at all. Says I'm abusing her, and am drunk all the time (neither true). I totally understand that the delusional thinking is due to either A.) lack of alcohol B.) the cirrhosis affecting her brain C.) Alcoholic Encephalopathy or D.) a combination of all of those things. She has a home health nurse that comes occasionally but when the nurse is here, she acts perfectly reasonable and normal. She won't see a doctor, and has locked herself in our bedroom (I'm sleeping in my office currently) and just keeps saying I'm abusing her without being able to articulate anything specific. Her family (two grown daughters) are no help, they've always been a little loosely strung as it is and they just believe whatever she tells them and they're telling her to get out of this abusive relationship with a heavy drinker (me!). The irony is that I thought if she STOPPED drinking, things would get better - and it has for her physically in that at least she's not going to die tomorrow. But everything else is a mess.  In the interim, she has taken early retirement from work, she was going to do that the end of this year anyway, not that it matters, but she literally spends all day and night in the bedroom (it's a big room with a living area in it, so she's not 'in bed', but not leaving the room, either.)

So last month, I thought she was going to die right in front of me. This month, I'm sleeping on the floor in my office and facing divorce after 10 years of a pretty normal (save the alcohol abuse) relationship. Typical ups and downs is what I mean, nothing of great severity as far as fights or anything went. And she still might die. And I can do nothing short of having her committed I guess, but she is not a physical danger to herself (well, I don't think she is - she won't even tell me if she is taking her medicine properly) or me...just wants rid of me. A month before she went in the hospital, although she was always at some level of intoxication, we were talking about what our next plans were going to be when she retired. She will literally not speak to me even to answer when I ask if she's taking her medication. I have tried to talk with her and she states that it is "harassment".

Like I say, not sure anyone has any experience with this sort of thing and I really don't know what I can 'do' but let her file for divorce. Since we don't have kids and we were both grown people with our own assets when we met, we can sell the house and just divide the money. The thing is that I DON'T WANT ANY OF THAT, but I don't see any way around it.  I'm also obviously afraid that if I'm not around, she'll just go back to drinking and die because of it, but of course if that's what she wants to do, I can't stop her. I just feel so helpless. 

Thank you, Freetime! I am not one for face to face meetings usually, but I might try it. That's nothing to do with Alanon or AA specifically -  I am always the one who avoids work meetings at all costs. Lol. Just a classic introvert and am not super comfortable 'sharing' in a group. But this forum is ideal for me! I'm also a writer by trade, and do much better with the written word than the spoken one.

I will definitely keep coming back here, though! Already all of the stories....all different but with the same underlying cause...are astounding. I felt a little bit isolated, as only one person I know (my BFF from kiddom actually, whose 50 yo brother just died a few months ago from complications from alcoholism) has had this severe an issue, and I know it is difficult for people who have never dealt with anything like this to get their mind around. The people here talking about the gaslighting, the lying, the manipulation, the blame and the attempt to assign guilt...man!!! So familiar!! The first say....7 years or so of our marriage were pretty good - she drank (I did too) but just what I would consider in a normal way - not like she started to do late 2017 - early 2018. Of course she blames me for that, too. It's my fault she drinks so much because I'm mean/abusive/a liar...well...all of the things she actually is. That seems to be an underlying issue as well with a lot of stories I've read just in this short time I've been here. It's like the alcoholic blames the other person for all of the things that they do themselves. She is also now saying that the entire ten years she has been with me have been just miserable for her.  So of course my brain goes "So, the past ten years of my life has been a lie? Everything we've shared? The love I thought we had?"

I really appreciate everyone here! My main problem is just keeping my mouth shut and leaving her alone. She says such nutty things...like she's been "talking to people from our past" and "they all know" what a horrible person I am and that she needs to get away from me. If you knew us, you would know how out in left field that is. I have maybe five good friends (who have all been in my life for 20 years or more) that I talk to, and they all live in different states. She really doesn't have any friends, save her daughter, that she talks to on any regular basis. We moved here almost right when we met, so there literally ISN'T anyone from 'our past' and if there are, I don't know who they are so don't much care what they think. Lol. But honestly - I have been really feeling like I'm going crazy myself and questioning myself like..."AM I abusive in some way?" I KNOW I am not! I know this! But man, sometimes it makes you really question yourself/your sanity.

I'm at "One Minute at a Time" right now and 24/7 just sort of....waiting to see what happens next. I don't want to file for divorce myself, for a lot of reasons most of which are financial but the main one is that I really don't want to. I am not motivated enough...yet. This whole divorce thing has me really reeling....I honestly thought she'd get off the booze, I would go to counseling with her, and we would get through it together. 

My BFF stated that her brother isolated himself from the whole family for a year before he died. She is of the opinion that's what my wife is doing, and she could well be correct. Any way I look at it, though, and whatever the reason, it's just heartbreaking.

Thanks for listening!

Welcome to MIP, and glad that you found us....

As insane as your story sounds to you (and to all of us), many of us have gone through the same or very similar situations.  All part of the insanity of this disease...

I echo the point that Freetime made - F2F meetings will do you SO much good.  Yes, posting on here and reaching out here is a great start, as is reading great books on the subject to help educate you around this insanity around you (Getting Them Sober, Volume One, written by Toby Rice Drews literally saved my sanity).  The thing is, these two tools are great supplements or complementary to meetings, but there is nothing like the honesty, support, etc., that can be replicated online.  Remember that you don't have to share until you are good & ready, but even just being in the rooms, and hearing the stories..... will reassure you that you are NOT alone on this journey, and even if there shares aren't identical to the situations and concerns that you are dealing with, in all likelihood you will see some amazing similarities, etc....

There are lots of good sayings that seem to help us cope, but one that seems to be appropriate for you is that in Al-Anon (and recovery in general), we learn to stop expecting 'sick and irrational people to behave in healthy and rational ways'.

Keep coming back

Tom

Aloha chick and welcome to the board.  So much of what you shared is also my story with the addition that I was born and raised in the disease to start with.  I was so caught up with what "they" (the alcoholics and addicts in my life) were and were not doing that I never caught on to it was doing something to me also.  I was certifiably insane just before nodding to the idea of attending meetings in Al-Anon that I needed mental and emotional support.  Yes the disease does that to those who live and love alcoholics and addicts.  

The AMA definition of alcoholism says in part that the disease is a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body that can never  be cured only arrested by total abstinence. It goes on to state that alcohol affects the mind,  body, spirt and emotions part of which woke my mind and memory up.  That is perfectly true and explained how I was affected at the early age of 9 when my grandmother introduced me to the chemical and use.

I got into Al-Anon kicking and screaming as a result of a suggestion by my drinking using wife's sponsor in AA and finally surrendered and stayed on the suggestion of my Higher Power.  I am a "double"; a member of both AA and Al-Anon today.  I drank along with my wife and tried to teach her how to not understanding that a female cannot consume alcohol in like manner as a male.  My wife dreamed of being able to drink like I did and so did I.  I was also self centered and ego centric upon finding this program and it took me 9 years to come to understand the picture with the help of the fellowship and my sponsor and college and daily program work.  At first "I didn't know that I didn't know" and over time by sitting and listening with and open mind and following the successes of others I found sanity and serenity.  

No the marriage didn't last however my Higher Power used my alcoholic/addict and her attempts to get clean and sober to teach me humility and how to be teachable.

Don't let any "No's" that come up in your thinking from keeping you away from our program and don't let any suspicion that you can figure this disease out keep you away. The disease is fatal both to the drinker/user and the family it and friends it touches.  There is no real justification to getting sick and insane from addiction especially when there are so many around us who have survived sanely around us and who are willing to share their experiences, strengths and hopes openly.

Keep coming back here to touch those who come here with the sole reason of helping another victims of alcoholism understand.

We did not cause this disease, we cannot control it and will never be able to cure it.   ((((hugs))))  

My story is very much like yours.  Older spouse, he just kept drinking more and more ... after years of turmoil, he collapsed from cirrhosis.  After that he apparently really did stop drinking, but his thinking was disordered in many ways.  He was very suspicious of me and saw the means I had taken to protect myself (liking taking steps so he'd stop peeing on the floor) as attacks on him.  He didn't speak to me for months and months, and all of a sudden was nice as pie again - no telling what had changed.  We had already separated long since so I wasn't in the front line of attack, but his thinking was just as crazy as you describe. 

One possibility, I'm sorry to say, is that your wife has found another substance and that that is disordering her thinking.  My A cycled through many addictions along the way - tranquilizers, gambling, binge-eating, hoarding... I'm sure if he could have gotten hold of hard drugs he would have been on them, but he was never efficient enough to get hold of illegal substances!  Anyway, I know I'm not the only one whose dry spouse started down a different road of addiction.  But also, they don't even need a different substance to make their thinking crazy - the history of alcohol alone will do it.

I second the assurance that face-to-face meetings can be a lifesaver.  I tried two early on and they weren't the right ones for me - one was chaotic and the other one was boring as heck!  That kept me from going back for years, but as others here have said, when I finally was driven back into them by the turmoil, I wish I had kept on and found the right one years earlier.  The standard advice is to try six, since they are all so different.  You can just sit there at the table or in the back and not say a word, for years and years or ever if you want!  But those people have been through it all and they have wisdom and serenity to share.  Nobody should have to go through this alone.  Hope you'll keep coming back here!

Hi Mattie - I am so sorry that you had to go through something similar! It is maddening!!! But I do take solace in that you have been there! I am feeling much more positive since I wrote all that out and have seen so many stories that are so similar. It doesn't exactly make it hurt less, but UNDERSTANDING it, at least to the point where I can recognize that I'm not the only person in the world this is happening to/has happened to is very helpful!! I know she can't be taking/doing any other type of drug or whatnot, as she hasn't left the house, nobody else has been here (other than my mother whom I trust implicitly), and she also is not efficient enough to get anything in any other way. If she could, I am sure she would take anything she could, and that wouldn't surprise me - but the resources are just not there. However, her thinking is every bit as distorted as it was when she was crazy drunk or on something, no doubt! And it makes sense! When someone puts THAT MUCH alcohol in their body over so long, of course it makes sense that the brain could be permanently affected. Again, doesn't make it easier, but I do know that this person inhabiting her body is nobody I know. 

Thanks for the info on the meetings, too. I will likely give it a try. We live in a pretty small area, so I don't think I'll have the option of trying as many as six, but I it is worth a shot. Worst case is it's not for me, best is that it might be!

Thank you again to all who have taken the time to respond. It really does help a great deal!

I agree with the recommendations to try some face to face meetings.  This board and the literature all serve as a very valuable supplement to the meetings.  Actually hearing and seeing others' emotions, experience, strength and hope make such a difference.  Sometimes I literally drag myself to a meeting because I just don't feel like going out OR I am feeling better about things and feel I don't need to go.  However, at every single meeting I am so glad I went!  I glean something from every meeting.  Sometimes it can be as simple as seeing how I have progressed in my thinking or how someone else has progressed.  Sometimes someone will come up with a different spin or interpretation of a reading that I hadn't thought of.  Sometimes I see that my situation isn't as bad as some and sometimes I see someone's situation improve and it gives me hope!

Hbgchick, you are not alone!  Although all our situations are different.....they really aren't.  Take good care of YOU and keep coming back.

Hugs,

Ellen