When starting out in Al-Anon, the author was disturbed to hear that the best way to help an alcoholic is to focus on ourselves. It seemed heartless to stop helping our loved ones. Then another member shared that our desire to help is compassionate, but our old ways of helping may not be helpful. If we deprive someone of facing the consequences of their actions, then we are depriving them of opportunities to change. The author looked at their own motivations, and realized that the urge to "help" came from not wanting to face their own anxiety.
Today's reminder: Is the help I offer truly loving, or do I have other motives? Am I trying to change another person or get them to do what I want? ... My best hope for helping those I love really does begin when I focus on myself.
Quote from Detachment: "In Al-Anon we learn: Not to create a crisis; Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."
I too was surprised at some of the things I heard when I entered Al-Anon. I'm not sure what I expected, but what I heard -- letting go, forgiveness, live and let live -- was not it. But I was desperate, so I was willing to do anything to get out of my miserable state. Which led to a paradigm shift in my thinking (not quickly, but eventually!)
What I'm finding today is that looking at my motives is important, and also thinking about the difference between "helpful help" and "unhelpful help" (some terms I heard from an Al-Anon speaker recently).
hotrod said
Jan 18, 2019
Good morning Freeetime Love alanon's principle of focusing on ourselves and detachment . Both tools have served me well in my journey to recovery. Prior to program I never understood how i focused on others, avoided looking within and thought I knew how others should behave.
. Learning how to focus on myself, detach from the actions of others helped me to grow and improved my interactions with others..
Thanks for your service
Lyne said
Jan 18, 2019
Thanks FT for your service. I too was kind of blind-sided to learn that alanon was not going to teach me how to help my A, but instead, encourage me to change my focus onto myself. I didn't think I needed fixing. In fact, I knew what my A should do! Overtime, I saw that the only way to end my misery was to change my focus, my attitudes, and release much faulty thinking, to become a new and improved version of me. And I like myself now way more than ever before! I cope better and have stopped trying to control others. That's the point-I need to try and control myself and let go and let God, Lyne
Iamhere said
Jan 18, 2019
Good morning MIP. Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares and ESH. I thought it was silly to focus on me as I really thought if I could change another, all would be well in the world. As I continued to listen, and embrace the suggestions of keeping the focus on me, it did feel like 'loving less'. It took me some time to really embrace that standing between another and the natural consequences was stunting their growth, maturity, etc.
I am grateful I had the courage to forge ahead with my own recovery. I still at times get wrapped up in what others are doing, but have the tools to step away, consider my motives, and explore healthier options. Far from perfect, I am content with progress, one day at a time!
Happy Friday all - enjoy your day!
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 18, 2019
Thank you, Freetime for your service and the daily! Thank you to all who gave their ESH... I see myself in each of your posts... something I am finding more and more fascinating lately.
This one is especially important for me, as I never thought I needed to change... my qualifier did!! After all, wasn't he the reason my life was falling apart?
Al-Anon taught me how to focus on myself (b/c I never really could), and how to be truly helpful, not enabling. But also not angry and bitter as well! I am still a work in progress... sometimes I am reminded all to well that this is true! But I come here, go to a meeting, and I become centered again. I am here for me.
One of the best things is, as I get healthier, everyone around me benefits!
Peace... Finally Friday!
El said
Jan 18, 2019
Thank you, Freetime for today's reading and all the shares above me.
When I entered the program, I too was dismayed to learn that I wasn't going to be told how to fix my AH. However, rather than focus on me right away, I was so relieved to be with others who truly understood! I focused on a supportive group of those who "got it", and then I slowly started to understand why it was important to focus on me. After all, I had a disease too! I needed to learn to really love me first before I could be of the best possible true help to others.
I am so grateful to alanon..it is letting me surface from my own disease....baby steps the whole way!
Hugs,
Ellen
JerryF said
Jan 18, 2019
When I got into program I was a loner which wasn't so much my defense as it was my personality being born and raised within this disease which was abusive. I isolated and hid while being directed by the adults and the philosophy of the family religion to fix the wrongs within the family members. That personality has become habit while I attempt to learn or relearn the original ways of detachment and yes isolation. I don't practice detachment with or from others who are kind, loving and compassionate. I have been re-reading and studying from literature of lessons from my culture which revealed again the system of balance and harmony which surrounded me when I was born and gave me the attitude that I didn't want to be in the atmosphere of this sickness named alcoholism and addiction. I am still in that atmosphere as it at times seems I am the sole one who wants and seeks that Ke Ala Lokahi...the pathway to harmony. Detachment and isolation often are very good tools and I find my HP on the other side of those doors to peace of mind and serenity. Yes this takes courage. ((((Hugs))))
DavidG said
Jan 18, 2019
Thanks Freetime, and y'all... ...
I say this often enough. I heard one member say: "it's a selfish programme".
"Like hell it is," I thought. I know I had to shift my care and compassion for others to myself. Allied with the gift of serenity if the gift of empathy. I could turn survival and coping mechanisms to advantage.
So there and then- at that meeting i set my eye on a lode star. "not to be self centred, but centred on self. I have a raft of strategies to make responsible adults take responsibility and take care. I knew the local cop took backhanders- free liquour- which kept the bars open over the legal limit. I worked part time as a carrot boy and he was our foreman. He was not too bothered to do his police work.
I was angry at the world and how 'the world' worked. All I could do- as I grew up was not to be a part of the same corrupt system.
So here was the difference between -selfish- and self-centred. Self centred was to be poised and balanced. Not 'my way, or the highway.'
Thanks for the share,
DavidG.
Fedora said
Jan 18, 2019
Oh this was a good reminder for today. Found out AH lost health insurance last fall and is being sued by local healthcare provider. (Because the fun never ends.)
I instantly went into "fix it" mode. But then I read this post and was like, "oh yeah, oh yeah. consequences."
So far, I am not involved in the suit. So I'm just going to leave it there. And if spouse wants to try to get insurance, he'll have to do it. Of course if he has a medical emergency, it's going to be a disaster. But our finances are already a disaster. Maybe this is what it will take for him to notice. Or maybe this is just the natural consequence of the disease.
Recently, I've become more aware about how angry I am. If you met me in the hallway, you wouldn't probably notice. I thought my self-hatred had been dealt with, but it became clear to me that I'm not even close to being done with this process. I hate my AH and his disability that comes from this disease. But since I'm unable to do anything about him, I've turned my frustration with him onto myself and my children, his family, a lot of people. Today I allowed myself to do some stupid things; upon reflection I realized that I purposefully defeated myself as if my AH would notice and be sorry that I did such anger-based things.
Which is stupid, and of course he didn't notice. I only hurt myself. Which made me even angrier.
So I'm going home tonight (am at office still) and am resolved to not do that again (at least today, ha ha).
Freetime said
Jan 18, 2019
Fedora, I remember so well the times that I thought my AH would notice certain things I did (like going to Al-Anon) and that he would suddenly realize the error of his ways! And be sorry, and stop drinking, and stop being a sick person! Now I realize that was just a sign that I needed to be restored to sanity, as it says in Step 2.
People in the program have reminded me that we can start our day over again at any time. Sounds like you are doing just that.
When starting out in Al-Anon, the author was disturbed to hear that the best way to help an alcoholic is to focus on ourselves. It seemed heartless to stop helping our loved ones. Then another member shared that our desire to help is compassionate, but our old ways of helping may not be helpful. If we deprive someone of facing the consequences of their actions, then we are depriving them of opportunities to change. The author looked at their own motivations, and realized that the urge to "help" came from not wanting to face their own anxiety.
Today's reminder: Is the help I offer truly loving, or do I have other motives? Am I trying to change another person or get them to do what I want? ... My best hope for helping those I love really does begin when I focus on myself.
Quote from Detachment: "In Al-Anon we learn: Not to create a crisis; Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
I too was surprised at some of the things I heard when I entered Al-Anon. I'm not sure what I expected, but what I heard -- letting go, forgiveness, live and let live -- was not it. But I was desperate, so I was willing to do anything to get out of my miserable state. Which led to a paradigm shift in my thinking (not quickly, but eventually!)
What I'm finding today is that looking at my motives is important, and also thinking about the difference between "helpful help" and "unhelpful help" (some terms I heard from an Al-Anon speaker recently).
. Learning how to focus on myself, detach from the actions of others helped me to grow and improved my interactions with others..
Thanks for your service
I am grateful I had the courage to forge ahead with my own recovery. I still at times get wrapped up in what others are doing, but have the tools to step away, consider my motives, and explore healthier options. Far from perfect, I am content with progress, one day at a time!
Happy Friday all - enjoy your day!
Thank you, Freetime for your service and the daily! Thank you to all who gave their ESH... I see myself in each of your posts... something I am finding more and more fascinating lately.
This one is especially important for me, as I never thought I needed to change... my qualifier did!! After all, wasn't he the reason my life was falling apart?
Al-Anon taught me how to focus on myself (b/c I never really could), and how to be truly helpful, not enabling. But also not angry and bitter as well! I am still a work in progress... sometimes I am reminded all to well that this is true! But I come here, go to a meeting, and I become centered again. I am here for me.
One of the best things is, as I get healthier, everyone around me benefits!
Peace... Finally Friday!
Thank you, Freetime for today's reading and all the shares above me.
When I entered the program, I too was dismayed to learn that I wasn't going to be told how to fix my AH. However, rather than focus on me right away, I was so relieved to be with others who truly understood! I focused on a supportive group of those who "got it", and then I slowly started to understand why it was important to focus on me. After all, I had a disease too! I needed to learn to really love me first before I could be of the best possible true help to others.
I am so grateful to alanon..it is letting me surface from my own disease....baby steps the whole way!
Hugs,
Ellen
When I got into program I was a loner which wasn't so much my defense as it was my personality being born and raised within this disease which was abusive. I isolated and hid while being directed by the adults and the philosophy of the family religion to fix the wrongs within the family members. That personality has become habit while I attempt to learn or relearn the original ways of detachment and yes isolation. I don't practice detachment with or from others who are kind, loving and compassionate. I have been re-reading and studying from literature of lessons from my culture which revealed again the system of balance and harmony which surrounded me when I was born and gave me the attitude that I didn't want to be in the atmosphere of this sickness named alcoholism and addiction. I am still in that atmosphere as it at times seems I am the sole one who wants and seeks that Ke Ala Lokahi...the pathway to harmony. Detachment and isolation often are very good tools and I find my HP on the other side of those doors to peace of mind and serenity. Yes this takes courage. ((((Hugs))))
Thanks Freetime, and y'all...
...
I say this often enough. I heard one member say: "it's a selfish programme".
"Like hell it is," I thought. I know I had to shift my care and compassion for others to myself. Allied with the gift of serenity if the gift of empathy. I could turn survival and coping mechanisms to advantage.
So there and then- at that meeting i set my eye on a lode star. "not to be self centred, but centred on self. I have a raft of strategies to make responsible adults take responsibility and take care. I knew the local cop took backhanders- free liquour- which kept the bars open over the legal limit. I worked part time as a carrot boy and he was our foreman. He was not too bothered to do his police work.
I was angry at the world and how 'the world' worked. All I could do- as I grew up was not to be a part of the same corrupt system.
So here was the difference between -selfish- and self-centred. Self centred was to be poised and balanced. Not 'my way, or the highway.'
Thanks for the share,
DavidG.
I instantly went into "fix it" mode. But then I read this post and was like, "oh yeah, oh yeah. consequences."
So far, I am not involved in the suit. So I'm just going to leave it there. And if spouse wants to try to get insurance, he'll have to do it. Of course if he has a medical emergency, it's going to be a disaster. But our finances are already a disaster. Maybe this is what it will take for him to notice. Or maybe this is just the natural consequence of the disease.
Recently, I've become more aware about how angry I am. If you met me in the hallway, you wouldn't probably notice. I thought my self-hatred had been dealt with, but it became clear to me that I'm not even close to being done with this process. I hate my AH and his disability that comes from this disease. But since I'm unable to do anything about him, I've turned my frustration with him onto myself and my children, his family, a lot of people. Today I allowed myself to do some stupid things; upon reflection I realized that I purposefully defeated myself as if my AH would notice and be sorry that I did such anger-based things.
Which is stupid, and of course he didn't notice. I only hurt myself. Which made me even angrier.
So I'm going home tonight (am at office still) and am resolved to not do that again (at least today, ha ha).
People in the program have reminded me that we can start our day over again at any time. Sounds like you are doing just that.