I was reading through some recent posts today, and one of the 'flavors' that comes up every so often is gender differences - real of perceived - within the rooms of Al-Anon.
When I was attending meetings regularly, I lived in a small town of roughly 30,000 people, so there were four Al-Anon meetings every week, ranging from 7-14 people, and I was typically the only male, or occasionally one of two males in the room. This didn't bother me a bit, and don't think it inhibited my willingness/ability to learn and grow whatsoever. I also occasionally made it over to Vancouver (2 million people), and was fortunate enough to go to an all-male Al-Anon meeting that was held in North Vancouver. I found those meetings very inspiring, as there was something very special about sitting in a room of 12-15 men, sharing their stories, emotions, etc...... There were plenty of hugs and tears, and I remember thinking how special it was that we were NOT really following so-called societal norms, where men were not expected to cry, show emotion or empathy, etc.... We were able to connect with each other in that very spiritual way, and something that I miss in daily life....
Al-Anon has taught me a whole lot about so many things, but I think this is one of the indirect benefits I learned - that gender really is not a prevailing issue..... if we are being affected by a loved one's addiction - there are gains to be made, by all of us, simply by the connection to the common cause. Neither addiction nor Al-Anon pay any attention to one's gender, social status, race, or any other discriminating factor. There are so many (current) wonderful men on MIP - too many to name, and most of whom wouldn't want to be singled out. One of the oldtimers from years-gone-by - our RLC (Rodney) was such a huge part of our group for a great many years, and John - our founder - also had his heart in absolutely the right place when starting MIP
So whether we are man or woman, black or white, rich or poor, and whether our qualifier is spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, lover, or other - the common bond that we all share is a desire to get better, a desire to learn new ways of doing things, a desire to find that elusive serenity, learn from each other, support each other......
Thanks to everyone here for being a part of my, and our, collective recoveries.
We are all - without a doubt - Miracles in Progress.
Hugs
Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 15th of January 2019 07:18:52 PM
JerryF said
Jan 15, 2019
I was browsing and tripped on the title to your post. Tripped because I came into Al-Anon as one of just a few guys where ever they were who claimed membership and my own membership was so very tentative at first. I didn't get it and didn't know I didn't get it and only if I chose to and didn't have something better to do I stayed for one meeting after the other listening to those crazy broads who over time refused to acknowledge my grand wisdom and follow my suggestions. Of course they knew what insanity was because they were living with very similar examples at home. There were two "other guys" hiding out some where else and I never saw their faces or heard their ESH (extremely self centered horse feathers). Yes I wasn't very appreciated and overtime if I wanted special attention to recovery needs I had to be fair, honest and just and gentlemanly. I prefaced each request for help with, "Excuse me", "can you help me please"? Of course it was a female member I was asking for support which required the extra humility.
In time the male population would grow some and we would gather male with male discussing recovery either outside the room or over the tailgate of a truck or down at a coffee shop. The coffee shop population was favored and the group grew to 7 to 10 steady coffee drinkers who had legitimate recovery needs and sponsorships grew from that and then the Friday Night Men's Stag AFG meeting...yes Men's Stag which brought us a slew of female detractors pointing and saying "you cannot gender only type a family group meeting" and they wanted to attend to show power. We understood...why should they be confined both at home and at a meeting. We told them they could attend but would not be able to direct the shares in anyway including language used and how it was used. No woman attended twice and no meeting gave up the principle of honest expression. That meeting lasted for 19 years and then closed. I loved it and the membership included doctors, bankers, upper management of a petroleum company and more...we were very interested in each others serenity. We kept our anonymity though often attracted attention with our meeting after the meeting at local coffee shops. One of the major things that got me and kept me was the loss of fear to speak openly about how the disease affected me holistically on a day to day basis. I believe HP was in those meetings.
One of many practices I got from that group of men was how to sponsor women which I still adhere to today.
Women and Men are different...we perceive differently, feel differently, think differently and respond differently.
Yes I have learned and practiced precious tons of recovery from the women of Al-Anon and know what it feels like to be blessed because of it. The first 9 years of recovery for me was guided (sometimes not so gently...my consequences) by the women of Al-Anon Central Valley California and the direction into AA (I am a double) was also directed by a woman in recovery. Still the one characteristic that kept me healing and coming back was the same characteristic that held them to the disease...enabling and codependency. I hold all of the women and men of Al-Anon within my heart and thoughts and wishes because the program works.
I know it works with you Tom...I've listened. ((((hugs))))
Iamhere said
Jan 16, 2019
Well boys, I am not male but can share that I am grateful for ALL members in/of Al-Anon and so agree! The disease does not discriminate and no matter who we are, where we come from, what's in our mind/heart upon arrival, all members teach me. I also believe that God (HP) speaks through others to me, so I never discount/exclude a share for any reason at any time.
When I entered the other side so many years ago, I had much of the reverse. There were many more men than women, and I was also quite young compared to the general population. I kept coming back because that's what they suggested and I am beyond words grateful that I was accepted in spite of the differences.
Thanks for the share and thanks for the topic!!
DavidG said
Jan 16, 2019
Good topic, Tom...
I blended in. I learned to see the similarities and not the differences.
-D.
Temple said
Jan 16, 2019
I am grateful for all the men we have and have had on he board.
I remember Rodney fondly and I sill miss John.
Hugs,
Temple
Bo said
Jan 20, 2019
In the county where I live, there are approximately 45 meetings per week (including a two step meetings, beginners meetings, and regular meetings). About 9 years ago, a few men started a men's meeting. It averages 20 to 25 men per week. Before this, there were two, maybe three, meetings per week where men would attend. Both were "big meetings" where 40 to 60 people would show up. How many men? Maybe 5 to 10. But, once the men's meeting started -- now there's 20 to 25 men showing up regularly, weekly.
I never viewed alanon as a gender driven or based program. It is what it is. What I do find is the tone, the dynamic of the meetings -- and they are very different. The men, simply, get into it. Hard-core, problem solving focus, solution driven, and they get down and dirty into getting better. The women, seem to be more pragmatic, more lenient, more emotional. That said, I do not life generics, generalizations, stereotypes, and the like. However, there is a difference.
Very good topic.
DavidG said
Jan 20, 2019
Good talk Bo...
Our province has few groups really and some big towns have none. Up the road from here is a group with mostly men in it. One active member there went to national level- and the male side of the group seemed to build up around him. For me- I was the only male in my group for decades- and I am glad I stayed on.
We had a new member arrive here last night- when the east coast and west coast of the USA were fast asleep. I responded on behalf of the group. I did not make personal contact outside of the group. I always say there is safety in numbers- and there is... that's what a group is all about...
...I suppose I am still learning to pitch in and keep our groups healthy and growing... thanks...
I was reading through some recent posts today, and one of the 'flavors' that comes up every so often is gender differences - real of perceived - within the rooms of Al-Anon.
When I was attending meetings regularly, I lived in a small town of roughly 30,000 people, so there were four Al-Anon meetings every week, ranging from 7-14 people, and I was typically the only male, or occasionally one of two males in the room. This didn't bother me a bit, and don't think it inhibited my willingness/ability to learn and grow whatsoever. I also occasionally made it over to Vancouver (2 million people), and was fortunate enough to go to an all-male Al-Anon meeting that was held in North Vancouver. I found those meetings very inspiring, as there was something very special about sitting in a room of 12-15 men, sharing their stories, emotions, etc...... There were plenty of hugs and tears, and I remember thinking how special it was that we were NOT really following so-called societal norms, where men were not expected to cry, show emotion or empathy, etc.... We were able to connect with each other in that very spiritual way, and something that I miss in daily life....
Al-Anon has taught me a whole lot about so many things, but I think this is one of the indirect benefits I learned - that gender really is not a prevailing issue..... if we are being affected by a loved one's addiction - there are gains to be made, by all of us, simply by the connection to the common cause. Neither addiction nor Al-Anon pay any attention to one's gender, social status, race, or any other discriminating factor. There are so many (current) wonderful men on MIP - too many to name, and most of whom wouldn't want to be singled out. One of the oldtimers from years-gone-by - our RLC (Rodney) was such a huge part of our group for a great many years, and John - our founder - also had his heart in absolutely the right place when starting MIP
So whether we are man or woman, black or white, rich or poor, and whether our qualifier is spouse, parent, child, sibling, friend, lover, or other - the common bond that we all share is a desire to get better, a desire to learn new ways of doing things, a desire to find that elusive serenity, learn from each other, support each other......
Thanks to everyone here for being a part of my, and our, collective recoveries.
We are all - without a doubt - Miracles in Progress.
Hugs
Tom
-- Edited by canadianguy on Tuesday 15th of January 2019 07:18:52 PM
I was browsing and tripped on the title to your post. Tripped because I came into Al-Anon as one of just a few guys where ever they were who claimed membership and my own membership was so very tentative at first. I didn't get it and didn't know I didn't get it and only if I chose to and didn't have something better to do I stayed for one meeting after the other listening to those crazy broads who over time refused to acknowledge my grand wisdom and follow my suggestions. Of course they knew what insanity was because they were living with very similar examples at home. There were two "other guys" hiding out some where else and I never saw their faces or heard their ESH (extremely self centered horse feathers). Yes I wasn't very appreciated and overtime if I wanted special attention to recovery needs I had to be fair, honest and just and gentlemanly. I prefaced each request for help with, "Excuse me", "can you help me please"? Of course it was a female member I was asking for support which required the extra humility.
In time the male population would grow some and we would gather male with male discussing recovery either outside the room or over the tailgate of a truck or down at a coffee shop. The coffee shop population was favored and the group grew to 7 to 10 steady coffee drinkers who had legitimate recovery needs and sponsorships grew from that and then the Friday Night Men's Stag AFG meeting...yes Men's Stag which brought us a slew of female detractors pointing and saying "you cannot gender only type a family group meeting" and they wanted to attend to show power. We understood...why should they be confined both at home and at a meeting. We told them they could attend but would not be able to direct the shares in anyway including language used and how it was used. No woman attended twice and no meeting gave up the principle of honest expression. That meeting lasted for 19 years and then closed. I loved it and the membership included doctors, bankers, upper management of a petroleum company and more...we were very interested in each others serenity. We kept our anonymity though often attracted attention with our meeting after the meeting at local coffee shops. One of the major things that got me and kept me was the loss of fear to speak openly about how the disease affected me holistically on a day to day basis. I believe HP was in those meetings.
One of many practices I got from that group of men was how to sponsor women which I still adhere to today.
Women and Men are different...we perceive differently, feel differently, think differently and respond differently.
Yes I have learned and practiced precious tons of recovery from the women of Al-Anon and know what it feels like to be blessed because of it. The first 9 years of recovery for me was guided (sometimes not so gently...my consequences) by the women of Al-Anon Central Valley California and the direction into AA (I am a double) was also directed by a woman in recovery. Still the one characteristic that kept me healing and coming back was the same characteristic that held them to the disease...enabling and codependency. I hold all of the women and men of Al-Anon within my heart and thoughts and wishes because the program works.
I know it works with you Tom...I've listened. ((((hugs))))
When I entered the other side so many years ago, I had much of the reverse. There were many more men than women, and I was also quite young compared to the general population. I kept coming back because that's what they suggested and I am beyond words grateful that I was accepted in spite of the differences.
Thanks for the share and thanks for the topic!!
Good topic, Tom...
I blended in. I learned to see the similarities and not the differences.
-D.
I remember Rodney fondly and I sill miss John.
Hugs,
Temple
I never viewed alanon as a gender driven or based program. It is what it is. What I do find is the tone, the dynamic of the meetings -- and they are very different. The men, simply, get into it. Hard-core, problem solving focus, solution driven, and they get down and dirty into getting better. The women, seem to be more pragmatic, more lenient, more emotional. That said, I do not life generics, generalizations, stereotypes, and the like. However, there is a difference.
Very good topic.
Good talk Bo...
Our province has few groups really and some big towns have none. Up the road from here is a group with mostly men in it. One active member there went to national level- and the male side of the group seemed to build up around him. For me- I was the only male in my group for decades- and I am glad I stayed on.
We had a new member arrive here last night- when the east coast and west coast of the USA were fast asleep. I responded on behalf of the group. I did not make personal contact outside of the group. I always say there is safety in numbers- and there is... that's what a group is all about...
...I suppose I am still learning to pitch in and keep our groups healthy and growing...
thanks...