I am rarely at a loss for words, but find myself there tonight. The details are not important - I am. So often, we can get bogged down in the what happened and the summary is my son has relapsed. Of course, as the evidence presented last evening, my mind goes off to the races wondering how long has this been going on, am I being used/manipulated again, etc. I don't know these answers and know if I ask, most likely won't get the truth so have to let it go.
As today has unfolded, we as a family are 'back to' old habits - avoiding each other, not discussing the elephant in the room and when I tried to talk to my son, in his best diseased mind and mouth, there was a toss of blame my way. Not so much because he relapsed but because he sees it as no big deal and I am distraught/worried. I don't know if it is a big deal or not. At these moments of relapse, there is a part of me that has 'too much information' because I am sober in AA. I subscribe to living a life with no mind altering substances as being sober, but I really deep-down don't know what's right/best/next for anybody else.
So - I am sad, so very, very sad today. I can honestly say that anger did not even cross my emotional plane, and perhaps that's because I truly do accept this is a disease. There is a part of me that could isolate and cry a river and another part of me that says this is not my cross to bear. There is another part of me that's numb, just numb because no matter how well and balanced I get in recovery, when my child is in trouble or hurting, it tugs so deeply at my heart that going numb protects it from breaking.
I have my tool box, and I have my support here yet feel tired, sad and a bit lonely. Part of this is because I didn't sleep well after the discovery, and that's not unusual for me. I would love to say that I was able to collect myself, go to a meeting, call my sponsor, read some literature, etc. but that's not how this disease affects me....instead, I did retreat, pray and try to process why and how we are here again. Of course, it was the middle of a massive snow storm and later than meetings are held. So - while I retreated, my options were limited.
I do know I can't cure this, control this or change one single thing that has happened or might happen next. I do know that God will do for me what I can't do for myself. I also know that if I keep my focus on me and my recovery, I will return to my serenity faster. If you've got prayers to spare, we can sure use a few.
TrishaNorth44 said
Jan 12, 2019
I can relate to you so much. It's so hard as a parent to practice letting go. I am sending thoughts and prayers to you and also to your son. In these times, I also retreat and keep saying to myself "This too shall pass"
I hope you find some peace and sleep for tonight.
hotrod said
Jan 12, 2019
((IAH)) I so understand your pain , sending prayers and positive thoughts.
tiredtonite said
Jan 13, 2019
(((Iamhere))) Prayers for you and your family. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. TT
milkwood said
Jan 13, 2019
I'm so sorry ((((((Iamhere)))))) Sending prayers for your son and for you.
Parallel paths my friend, parallel paths, and not just the snow. I don't know about you, but that snow can make me feel my isolation when I'm lonely or hurt. At other times I see it glitter and am reminded of the extraordinary beauty that we share in this world.
Those blame bombs - arragh!!! As a friendly voice once told me "of course its your fault Milkwood, whose else could it possibly be?!!!!"
I'm grateful to you for sharing wisdom and describing the process so well - I'm grateful for your faith in serenity returning and I'll share that, thank you so much. With your permission, I am bouncing it right back at you as well - peace and serenity. I'm grateful for the balancing act that is life and, on balance, I prefer to live in it. I'm grateful in our shared beliefs that Higher Powers have our backs.
With love and support to you and your family.
Temple said
Jan 13, 2019
'
Bless all your hearts....
We just never get immune to our children's pain and struggles.
You are so far along the path--no anger.
May you be comforted as you have been a comfort and wise counsel to others.
Prayers and good thoughts for you and your family.
I feel hopeful--it seems that one of them bounced back quickly from a relapse recently.
Temple
Iamhere said
Jan 13, 2019
Thanks for the shares, thoughts and prayers. My sadness is less today but still present. I am working hard to trust God and his plan, but have to admit I might be a bit angry with the guy upstairs....that's on my radar to watch for, as it took me several inventories before I realized I had a resentment against God.
Because of the condition of our roads/streets here, I am not able to get to my morning meeting...so, 'this' has lifted me up and I am grateful for MIP as another tool in my box. (((Hugs)))
milkwood said
Jan 13, 2019
(((((IAH)))))
So this is how my thought process progressed as I read your update....
... of course one would be angry, even with the guy upstairs. Good grief, why wouldn't you be angry.... Oh, perhaps because its not their fault? Fair enough... but why am I being angry at the guy upstairs then? Perhaps because he loves and forgives me? OHHHHHHH BOY - that feels familiar!!!!!!!!!!
Now I'm humming "my love keeps lifting you higher..."
tiredtonite said
Jan 13, 2019
(((Iamhere))) If too much snow to drive to your meeting mean you are here with us more.. well selfishly I'm glad to see you here more. The thought of resenting hp has brought about a new awareness for me. I remember feeling that as a newcomer but I think I presently need to look at that again.
Temple I like your quote! It made me laugh, ty. Hope today is a good one for all. (((hugs))) TT
DavidG said
Jan 13, 2019
(((((((((((((((((((( I Am... ))))))))))))))))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 13, 2019
Sending you love, light and hopefully a little peace for your soul today, Iamhere!
I can easily identify with the feelings of resentment towards GOD. I had resentments too for many years... and I can still "go there" when I hit a road bump. It is a mind set that I have to be aware of constantly. I am a work in progress.
I can also emphasize with your pain... and I truly appreciate that you are sharing it here for us all to witness. Why? Because I feel that many of us have been exactly where you are at... and feel shame. Shame for the feelings that this test in our lives brings up.
However, even in the darkest hours, you are giving a gift... when we see someone who has been in Al-Anon for a good length of time use their toolbox in the most trying of times, we can see that there is a path. That there is a light at the end of the very long, dark tunnel! We, as Al-Anoners, can choose a different way of handling the challenge before us!
So today I lift my prayers up for you and your son, I even thank my HP that you were brave enough to share your pain & suffering here on MIP. I am finding detaching or "Letting It Go" when it involves your child is the hardest thing for me. I am also asking my HP to bless you and your son... to help you embrace self-care right now, and for him to choose a different path - even if it's Just For Today.
El said
Jan 13, 2019
(((IAH)))
I am sending prayers and strength as you deal with the events that have unfolded. It IS sad and if it were not for the tools we have through al-anon, the despair would be unbearable. Another bump in the road, a twist to the plot. I am thinking of you and sending love and peace across the miles.
Ellen
Iamhere said
Jan 14, 2019
Thanks all for the loving support. As I was starting my day, the fear, guilt, shame, etc. began to creep in. I was processing last night with another in recovery, and it dawned on me that it's very difficult to grieve while another is still 'alive'. In spite of the reality, my emotions, etc. I am reminded deep within that my HP does not have grandchildren, and I am not in charge.
Gratitude, Grace & Humility are my focus, just for today. Please keep the prayers and positive energy flowing this way...
Cathyinaz said
Jan 14, 2019
I am so so sorry.....this hurts inside so much just to hear that a child is in pain again. It's so hard to deal with your pain let alone theirs. Please know I pray everyday for all that are in pain due to this terrible cunning disease.
((( Iamhere ))))
I pray your HP will follow you and keep you safe.
serenity47 said
Jan 14, 2019
Feels like a punch to the gut when this happens.... I am so sorry to hear this about your son. The struggle is real and it is painful. I pray for your serenity to return and for your son to find his way again back into sobriety. Hugs.
You work an incredible program of recovery yourself. That beacon of light, that demonstration of a different way to live , is right in front of him. May he be given the humility he requires to grasp onto it.
JerryF said
Jan 14, 2019
((((Sister)))) what an awesome feeling it is to come here when any weakness becomes present. What a valley of hope and trust MIP is I get inspired reading the responses to the posts who come here needing support. You get pay back for all of the expense you have given to us... I get the reminder to my own concern with pain that I came here to express regarding my grand daughter's attempted suicide seeded from within the affects of my eldest son's, her father, continued use and abuse of alcohol and drugs and illicit sexual relationship in spite of his family.
I know our disease. I know it well and it has and continues to meet all of my expectations as to how it behaves and the consequences.
As promised in our second step I have been restored to sanity and with that have more often less surprises while continuing to carry the memory of our disease of what it was like then and what it is like today for others going thru what we went thru.
Continue nurturing your empathy for all of us and others you hold room for in that large heart of your and don't forget to feel our hugs at the same time. Love and compassion to you and your son and the family. Ho`omaika`i ...blessings. ((((hugs))))
Choriste said
Jan 14, 2019
(((IAH))))
I am new here and am blessed to have seen this post first. I too am hurting as my best friend relapsed Friday night, drove, and wrecked. She's now in the hospital with multiple breaks and chest trauma. I have little information about when they will charge her, etc. but this is her 4th DUI and it is not going to go well for her. (As it shouldn't - there must be consequences.)
I decided that I needed the extra support of online groups and discovered this board. I felt drawn to come and join and listen and learn. A member in my group likes to say "God provides ahead of the need" and that's true for me. I'm so grateful I was already going to Al-Anon and have tools and a sponsor.
Thanks for letting me join you all here.
JerryF said
Jan 14, 2019
Please keep coming back Choriste...it will only get better now that you are here. ((((hugs))))
canadianguy said
Jan 14, 2019
"The details are not important - I am" - wow, I absolutely LOVE this!!!
Cunning, baffling, and powerful - ugh, yes, this disease is all that and more.
I think that the fact you can recognize his (unhealthy) behaviors and choices, and not let them drag you too far into the muck - is a testament to the value of your recovery and your program. It's so frustrating, when our A's minimize their slips, or blame others for their own choices, etc., and that brings back a whole lot of memories for me...... My ex-AW used to relapse, and then come at me with it is my fault, because I was a lousy husband/father/housekeeper etc., and it simply was NOT true. (Okay fine, I wasn't all that great at the housekeeping end of things :))
Your post is a solid re-affirmation of the value of our program.... No, our problems that we encounter with our A's don't disappear, nor do our A's magically get better.... But we DO have a better toolset with which to deal with, so our down days aren't nearly as catastrophic as they felt pre-recovery, and we are that much closer to having a better day tomorrow.
Hugs
Tom
andromeda said
Jan 14, 2019
You got so many beautiful and supportive posts here that I really can't add much. I have not walked in your shoes nor do I know why this disease is so cunning and powerful as Tom said. I can lift you all up in prayer. I admire your courage and strength in your own program and I know it will carry you through. HUGS!!!
Iamhere said
Jan 15, 2019
Thanks all for the continuous support. Last night was a bit brutal...I am aware of the various 'habits' and 'patterns' my son demonstrates in his relapses. Part of it is verbal assaults that are far from pleasant and again, I was reminded of all our tools and what's changed - me.
Trust me when I say that there's a part of me that truly wants to stand up, slap him and respond in kind. Yet, by the grace of God, I chose a different response which kept me closer to where I want to be. What I learned for me, just for today, when I choose a different way, I feel better about myself and the disease.
For the first time since Friday, I did not wake up sad. I didn't really wake up super happy but I did wake with peace in my mind and heart. I've been adding more prayer and meditation daily and I do feel that God is/will do for me what I can't do for myself. I have asked him to move out and have given a date. I know that worry, fear and sadness will return and I also know I have the tools, support and my HP to lift me when that happens.
Please keep the prayers and thoughts flowing! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Jan 15, 2019
(((IAH)) Good work sticking to program tools. I can so understand the temptation o React in kind. Glad that your program kicked in.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 15, 2019
Lifting you both in my prayers!
JerryF said
Jan 15, 2019
Prayers of course for you and he and the family. My HP listens...prayers sent. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Jan 17, 2019
Hi Iam. Sorry this horrid disease has raised its head again wth your family. My heart goes out to all of you. I can relate to much you share here, my own son has a problem too and he has never got any sobriety, the denial is still too thick. Hes still trying to control his drinking and still trying to figure out how to use his brain and determination and will power to drink normally. God love him!
I also know the heartache so well and its so very difficult to live with. I am so grateful for this program because its given me a few certainties I could never know or count on before. The first is, this too shall pass. These bad times, bad thoughts, feelings etc, will pass. You are not alone, your higher power has got you and him. This journey belongs to him, rightly or wrongly, its his. The consequences have one owner and its him. He needs them more than anyone else. You are free to continue with your life in the spirit of the sunlight, your happiness cant be in the hands of your son. I know you know and live all this anyway but sometimes in the crisis we forget. The good news is your son has had a taste of recovery, he knows the difference now and so he has choices open to him that he never had before so there is hope.
Iamhere said
Jan 17, 2019
(((el-cee))) - thanks for your ESH and support. You are so spot on - when there is fear, pain, sadness, etc. we forget! I know for me that it's really, really easy to begin self-reflection and I still tend to go to what's broken instead of what's good in my life. I can share that doing what is suggested each day and each moment I feel 'left of center' has helped me recover faster from the emotional burden this disease brings.
I appreciate the support, prayers, positive thoughts, etc. from everyone! (((Group Hug)))
I am rarely at a loss for words, but find myself there tonight. The details are not important - I am. So often, we can get bogged down in the what happened and the summary is my son has relapsed. Of course, as the evidence presented last evening, my mind goes off to the races wondering how long has this been going on, am I being used/manipulated again, etc. I don't know these answers and know if I ask, most likely won't get the truth so have to let it go.
As today has unfolded, we as a family are 'back to' old habits - avoiding each other, not discussing the elephant in the room and when I tried to talk to my son, in his best diseased mind and mouth, there was a toss of blame my way. Not so much because he relapsed but because he sees it as no big deal and I am distraught/worried. I don't know if it is a big deal or not. At these moments of relapse, there is a part of me that has 'too much information' because I am sober in AA. I subscribe to living a life with no mind altering substances as being sober, but I really deep-down don't know what's right/best/next for anybody else.
So - I am sad, so very, very sad today. I can honestly say that anger did not even cross my emotional plane, and perhaps that's because I truly do accept this is a disease. There is a part of me that could isolate and cry a river and another part of me that says this is not my cross to bear. There is another part of me that's numb, just numb because no matter how well and balanced I get in recovery, when my child is in trouble or hurting, it tugs so deeply at my heart that going numb protects it from breaking.
I have my tool box, and I have my support here yet feel tired, sad and a bit lonely. Part of this is because I didn't sleep well after the discovery, and that's not unusual for me. I would love to say that I was able to collect myself, go to a meeting, call my sponsor, read some literature, etc. but that's not how this disease affects me....instead, I did retreat, pray and try to process why and how we are here again. Of course, it was the middle of a massive snow storm and later than meetings are held. So - while I retreated, my options were limited.
I do know I can't cure this, control this or change one single thing that has happened or might happen next. I do know that God will do for me what I can't do for myself. I also know that if I keep my focus on me and my recovery, I will return to my serenity faster. If you've got prayers to spare, we can sure use a few.
I can relate to you so much. It's so hard as a parent to practice letting go. I am sending thoughts and prayers to you and also to your son. In these times, I also retreat and keep saying to myself "This too shall pass"
I hope you find some peace and sleep for tonight.
(((Iamhere))) Prayers for you and your family. I'm so sorry you are in such pain. TT
Parallel paths my friend, parallel paths, and not just the snow. I don't know about you, but that snow can make me feel my isolation when I'm lonely or hurt. At other times I see it glitter and am reminded of the extraordinary beauty that we share in this world.
Those blame bombs - arragh!!! As a friendly voice once told me "of course its your fault Milkwood, whose else could it possibly be?!!!!"
I'm grateful to you for sharing wisdom and describing the process so well - I'm grateful for your faith in serenity returning and I'll share that, thank you so much. With your permission, I am bouncing it right back at you as well - peace and serenity. I'm grateful for the balancing act that is life and, on balance, I prefer to live in it. I'm grateful in our shared beliefs that Higher Powers have our backs.
With love and support to you and your family.
Bless all your hearts....
We just never get immune to our children's pain and struggles.
You are so far along the path--no anger.
May you be comforted as you have been a comfort and wise counsel to others.
Prayers and good thoughts for you and your family.
I feel hopeful--it seems that one of them bounced back quickly from a relapse recently.
Temple
Because of the condition of our roads/streets here, I am not able to get to my morning meeting...so, 'this' has lifted me up and I am grateful for MIP as another tool in my box. (((Hugs)))
So this is how my thought process progressed as I read your update....
... of course one would be angry, even with the guy upstairs. Good grief, why wouldn't you be angry.... Oh, perhaps because its not their fault? Fair enough... but why am I being angry at the guy upstairs then? Perhaps because he loves and forgives me? OHHHHHHH BOY - that feels familiar!!!!!!!!!!
Now I'm humming "my love keeps lifting you higher..."
(((Iamhere))) If too much snow to drive to your meeting mean you are here with us more.. well selfishly I'm glad to see you here more. The thought of resenting hp has brought about a new awareness for me. I remember feeling that as a newcomer but I think I presently need to look at that again.
Temple I like your quote! It made me laugh, ty. Hope today is a good one for all. (((hugs))) TT
(((((((((((((((((((( I Am... ))))))))))))))))))
Sending you love, light and hopefully a little peace for your soul today, Iamhere!
I can easily identify with the feelings of resentment towards GOD. I had resentments too for many years... and I can still "go there" when I hit a road bump. It is a mind set that I have to be aware of constantly. I am a work in progress.
I can also emphasize with your pain... and I truly appreciate that you are sharing it here for us all to witness. Why? Because I feel that many of us have been exactly where you are at... and feel shame. Shame for the feelings that this test in our lives brings up.
However, even in the darkest hours, you are giving a gift... when we see someone who has been in Al-Anon for a good length of time use their toolbox in the most trying of times, we can see that there is a path. That there is a light at the end of the very long, dark tunnel! We, as Al-Anoners, can choose a different way of handling the challenge before us!
So today I lift my prayers up for you and your son, I even thank my HP that you were brave enough to share your pain & suffering here on MIP. I am finding detaching or "Letting It Go" when it involves your child is the hardest thing for me. I am also asking my HP to bless you and your son... to help you embrace self-care right now, and for him to choose a different path - even if it's Just For Today.
(((IAH)))
I am sending prayers and strength as you deal with the events that have unfolded. It IS sad and if it were not for the tools we have through al-anon, the despair would be unbearable. Another bump in the road, a twist to the plot. I am thinking of you and sending love and peace across the miles.
Ellen
Gratitude, Grace & Humility are my focus, just for today. Please keep the prayers and positive energy flowing this way...
((( Iamhere ))))
I pray your HP will follow you and keep you safe.
You work an incredible program of recovery yourself. That beacon of light, that demonstration of a different way to live , is right in front of him. May he be given the humility he requires to grasp onto it.
((((Sister)))) what an awesome feeling it is to come here when any weakness becomes present. What a valley of hope and trust MIP is I get inspired reading the responses to the posts who come here needing support. You get pay back for all of the expense you have given to us... I get the reminder to my own concern with pain that I came here to express regarding my grand daughter's attempted suicide seeded from within the affects of my eldest son's, her father, continued use and abuse of alcohol and drugs and illicit sexual relationship in spite of his family.
I know our disease. I know it well and it has and continues to meet all of my expectations as to how it behaves and the consequences.
As promised in our second step I have been restored to sanity and with that have more often less surprises while continuing to carry the memory of our disease of what it was like then and what it is like today for others going thru what we went thru.
Continue nurturing your empathy for all of us and others you hold room for in that large heart of your and don't forget to feel our hugs at the same time. Love and compassion to you and your son and the family. Ho`omaika`i ...blessings. ((((hugs))))
I am new here and am blessed to have seen this post first. I too am hurting as my best friend relapsed Friday night, drove, and wrecked. She's now in the hospital with multiple breaks and chest trauma. I have little information about when they will charge her, etc. but this is her 4th DUI and it is not going to go well for her. (As it shouldn't - there must be consequences.)
I decided that I needed the extra support of online groups and discovered this board. I felt drawn to come and join and listen and learn. A member in my group likes to say "God provides ahead of the need" and that's true for me. I'm so grateful I was already going to Al-Anon and have tools and a sponsor.
Thanks for letting me join you all here.
Please keep coming back Choriste...it will only get better now that you are here. ((((hugs))))
"The details are not important - I am" - wow, I absolutely LOVE this!!!
Cunning, baffling, and powerful - ugh, yes, this disease is all that and more.
I think that the fact you can recognize his (unhealthy) behaviors and choices, and not let them drag you too far into the muck - is a testament to the value of your recovery and your program. It's so frustrating, when our A's minimize their slips, or blame others for their own choices, etc., and that brings back a whole lot of memories for me...... My ex-AW used to relapse, and then come at me with it is my fault, because I was a lousy husband/father/housekeeper etc., and it simply was NOT true. (Okay fine, I wasn't all that great at the housekeeping end of things :))
Your post is a solid re-affirmation of the value of our program.... No, our problems that we encounter with our A's don't disappear, nor do our A's magically get better.... But we DO have a better toolset with which to deal with, so our down days aren't nearly as catastrophic as they felt pre-recovery, and we are that much closer to having a better day tomorrow.
Hugs
Tom
Trust me when I say that there's a part of me that truly wants to stand up, slap him and respond in kind. Yet, by the grace of God, I chose a different response which kept me closer to where I want to be. What I learned for me, just for today, when I choose a different way, I feel better about myself and the disease.
For the first time since Friday, I did not wake up sad. I didn't really wake up super happy but I did wake with peace in my mind and heart. I've been adding more prayer and meditation daily and I do feel that God is/will do for me what I can't do for myself. I have asked him to move out and have given a date. I know that worry, fear and sadness will return and I also know I have the tools, support and my HP to lift me when that happens.
Please keep the prayers and thoughts flowing! (((Hugs)))
(((IAH)) Good work sticking to program tools. I can so understand the temptation o React in kind.
Glad that your program kicked in.
Prayers of course for you and he and the family. My HP listens...prayers sent. ((((hugs))))
I also know the heartache so well and its so very difficult to live with. I am so grateful for this program because its given me a few certainties I could never know or count on before. The first is, this too shall pass. These bad times, bad thoughts, feelings etc, will pass. You are not alone, your higher power has got you and him. This journey belongs to him, rightly or wrongly, its his. The consequences have one owner and its him. He needs them more than anyone else. You are free to continue with your life in the spirit of the sunlight, your happiness cant be in the hands of your son. I know you know and live all this anyway but sometimes in the crisis we forget. The good news is your son has had a taste of recovery, he knows the difference now and so he has choices open to him that he never had before so there is hope.
I appreciate the support, prayers, positive thoughts, etc. from everyone! (((Group Hug)))