Today's C2C speaks about one of my own character defects: looking outside myself for approval.
The author shares that when the approval of others becomes necessary in order for us to feel satisfaction in our own good works, when the applause of others become THE reason for our behavior or actions, when our own feelings of satisfaction depend on other noticing the terrific things we are doing, then we have given others power over us. The other shares that others may not notice all the wonderful things they are doing and others may not feel comfortable praising the author for their good deeds, but by learning to evaluate their own actions and behavior, and by valuing their own judgement, the author found that the approval of others was still enjoyable, but no longer essential, to their serenity.
Today's Reminder: Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for aproval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.
Today's Quote: "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart." Carl Jung
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I developed a habit of looking to others for approval. Interestingly enough, I have this habit only when I am in a committed relationship. I'm sure there is something worth further exploration there! With practice and work in AlAnon, I am finding that I need to rely on others for approval less and less - even though I'm still married to my AW. It is nice when others notice my great work and good deeds, but in many ways, it is nicer when they don't. I practice small acts of kindness regularly, and these are done mostly in secret. I am happiest when others are able to benefit from my little acts without feeling the need to comment on it. I've also found that surrounding myself with AlAnon friends and others who have healthy boundaries and a positive sense of self helps me to see the value in my actions myself as well.
Cold snap for us today. I am assured that the temperatures are normal for this time of year, but it has been so warm, it feels absolutely chilly today! A great day for warm tea.
I hope you make today a great day!
Iamhere said
Jan 9, 2019
Good morning Skorpi - thank you for your service and the daily. We are also having a cold snap - and I have to remind myself that it is January...I do really love the days that are unseasonably warm - feels like a gift from above!
As with so many layers of me, I was super guilty of seeking approval from others before recovery and sometimes still today. I have seen progress in this as I've worked recovery - one of many gifts has been a return or increase in self-esteem. Only when I arrived at recovery did I feel a part of; prior I always felt a part from - either greater or lesser than those around me. Getting comfortable in my own skin and just doing the next right thing really helps me value me, my strengths, my contribution, my value.
I too practice random acts of kindness, and find my best joy comes from being of service to others. When I unconditionally practice selflessness, the priceless gift of peace and serenity have no match.
Happy Hump Day - make it a great one!
Lyne said
Jan 9, 2019
Thank you Skorpi for the daily. For many years I relied on outside sources for positive feedback, and thus was also impacted by the negative feedback. I realized a number of years ago that by relying on others to define me, gave them power to control me. I am grateful that with Alanon I have mostly disengaged from this behavior. I still have some codependency with my son emotionally, but it has lessened and I hope in time I will have a better boundary in place. Progress not perfection, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 9, 2019
Thank you Skorpi for this valuable reminder! Thank you Iamhere and Lyne for your ESH, I really value when someone on MIP shares about how this disease has affected them, what AHA! moments they have uncovered by working the program, and how they have grown over time!
Aline said
Jan 9, 2019
Thanks for your service, Skorpi, and all the ESH. I love this reading and its me all the way... I used be completely dependent on others approval, all the time, before Alanon... Now I'm somewhere in between, slipping between feeling dependent and not feeling dependent on others... Like with other things inside myself there seem to be layers of this that don't get uncovered all at once... The reading for today speaks of valueing my own judgment and this has been very foreign for me for a long time and I am kind of not secure in my own evaluation of me, and slip back to feeling dependent on others often. Its there and back again for now, over and over again. Still, that's progress! My sponsor says not to forget the third option, which is the value that my HP sees in me, which I find helpful, because often I don't feel capable of relying on myself alone to have a positive judgment of myself. I hope y'all have a great second part of the week, it feels good to drop in :)
mamalioness said
Jan 9, 2019
Hey Skorpi...thanks you for service and this great reminder
in the beginning I never got love, hugs, validation, so afterards, I looked outside of me to be confirmed that I WAS lovable, acceptable, huggable, etc., I kept looking outside of me because as a child "externally" I was invalidated, put down, dumped on, abused, abandoned, and i lost myself...I spiritually DIED!!!! my real self was buried so deep under pain, and resentment, anger, loss, fear, it was awful
Program showed me that if I am going to be loved from outside sources, I must love ME WITHIN , first!!! when all else fails, I got me..so its got to be a good, loving, validating, positive, healing ME....so that is where I had to start
difficult job when you believe iin your tormenters assessments of me, but little by little i began to see him as a POS and a LIAR!!! thru and thru and her too...they LIED to me as to who/what I was...it was their shame..their guilt..their bad karma, not mine,..I had nothing to do with their 1000% WRONG assessments of me.....but program had to show me that
b4 I got deep enough in program, I had to borrow other's love for me in order to get through the day, and my recovery....I literally had to borrow other's love for me...how sad!!! but how true!!!
Now, as I practice self talk and have added some other things, I am slowly getting to where I think I am pretty cool and AM acceptable....it starts within and as I radiate that self love out, I draw to me healthier and better people...I am OK staying by myself rather than dysfunctional and/or toxic people....that is a big imlprovement....If I know I am doing my best, being fair and kind and just to my outside world, then what others think of me, no longer bothers me , I don't care what they think as long as I don't owe them an amend and IF I owe amend, I own it..fix it..learn from it and its done...if the other chooses to still hate/reject/shun me??? NOT my problem NOR my care......
thanks for letting me share
hotrod said
Jan 9, 2019
Hi Skorpi appreciate your service. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this important topic. I too looked outside myself for approval until I began daily asset and gratitude lists as part of my alanon recovery program. Gradually I noticed that I no longer looked for approval from others as I could validate myself
Thanks for your service
Hello MIP!
Today's C2C speaks about one of my own character defects: looking outside myself for approval.
The author shares that when the approval of others becomes necessary in order for us to feel satisfaction in our own good works, when the applause of others become THE reason for our behavior or actions, when our own feelings of satisfaction depend on other noticing the terrific things we are doing, then we have given others power over us. The other shares that others may not notice all the wonderful things they are doing and others may not feel comfortable praising the author for their good deeds, but by learning to evaluate their own actions and behavior, and by valuing their own judgement, the author found that the approval of others was still enjoyable, but no longer essential, to their serenity.
Today's Reminder: Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for aproval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.
Today's Quote: "Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart." Carl Jung
----------------
I developed a habit of looking to others for approval. Interestingly enough, I have this habit only when I am in a committed relationship. I'm sure there is something worth further exploration there! With practice and work in AlAnon, I am finding that I need to rely on others for approval less and less - even though I'm still married to my AW. It is nice when others notice my great work and good deeds, but in many ways, it is nicer when they don't. I practice small acts of kindness regularly, and these are done mostly in secret. I am happiest when others are able to benefit from my little acts without feeling the need to comment on it. I've also found that surrounding myself with AlAnon friends and others who have healthy boundaries and a positive sense of self helps me to see the value in my actions myself as well.
Cold snap for us today. I am assured that the temperatures are normal for this time of year, but it has been so warm, it feels absolutely chilly today! A great day for warm tea.
I hope you make today a great day!
As with so many layers of me, I was super guilty of seeking approval from others before recovery and sometimes still today. I have seen progress in this as I've worked recovery - one of many gifts has been a return or increase in self-esteem. Only when I arrived at recovery did I feel a part of; prior I always felt a part from - either greater or lesser than those around me. Getting comfortable in my own skin and just doing the next right thing really helps me value me, my strengths, my contribution, my value.
I too practice random acts of kindness, and find my best joy comes from being of service to others. When I unconditionally practice selflessness, the priceless gift of peace and serenity have no match.
Happy Hump Day - make it a great one!
in the beginning I never got love, hugs, validation, so afterards, I looked outside of me to be confirmed that I WAS lovable, acceptable, huggable, etc., I kept looking outside of me because as a child "externally" I was invalidated, put down, dumped on, abused, abandoned, and i lost myself...I spiritually DIED!!!! my real self was buried so deep under pain, and resentment, anger, loss, fear, it was awful
Program showed me that if I am going to be loved from outside sources, I must love ME WITHIN , first!!! when all else fails, I got me..so its got to be a good, loving, validating, positive, healing ME....so that is where I had to start
difficult job when you believe iin your tormenters assessments of me, but little by little i began to see him as a POS and a LIAR!!! thru and thru and her too...they LIED to me as to who/what I was...it was their shame..their guilt..their bad karma, not mine,..I had nothing to do with their 1000% WRONG assessments of me.....but program had to show me that
b4 I got deep enough in program, I had to borrow other's love for me in order to get through the day, and my recovery....I literally had to borrow other's love for me...how sad!!! but how true!!!
Now, as I practice self talk and have added some other things, I am slowly getting to where I think I am pretty cool and AM acceptable....it starts within and as I radiate that self love out, I draw to me healthier and better people...I am OK staying by myself rather than dysfunctional and/or toxic people....that is a big imlprovement....If I know I am doing my best, being fair and kind and just to my outside world, then what others think of me, no longer bothers me , I don't care what they think as long as I don't owe them an amend and IF I owe amend, I own it..fix it..learn from it and its done...if the other chooses to still hate/reject/shun me??? NOT my problem NOR my care......
thanks for letting me share
Thanks for your service