Not looking for a diagnosis or anything. I just need to share a few things that have been happening. Actually if I shared what I really feel would anyone really care? Sometimes when I go to any kind of meeting, it seems that I always feel uncomfortable when I leave. I can't believe I have after 33 years in the program & I still struggle w/ this. I don't believe that is true for anyone else or at least I haven't heard anyone talking about it. Don't get me wrong, I do benefit from meetings & hope others see something in me that they see in themselves. I guess maybe they want what I have which I don't understand fully because I don' t feel worthy even now. Maybe I am on the pity pot. I don't like who I am sometimes. I have a disease that sometimes tells me there is nothing wrong w/ me that can be very dangerous. Other times I feel that the world is caving in on me. I feel stupid & very insecure. I kind of have moments when I feel like a newcomer. I need to remind myself to keep the focus on me. Does that make me selfish? In a good way it does.
My life is so strange & unusual. I guess I feel a sense of terminal uniqueness. I don't have a positive post or a great quote to share today. I am stuck & I am willing to say it. Maybe my next post will sound better. I will give it time.
Oh I really like the quote I don't worry about tomorrow cause God is already there! I will stop here.
Kathleen
DavidG said
Jan 8, 2019
Hi Kathleen,
I used to have that feeling with any sort of social encounter- not just meetings... beat myself up emotionally.
I am trying to put my finger on how that changed... but it has changed. I just keep talking with folks, and answers do surface, when they is ready... ...
Temple said
Jan 8, 2019
Bless your heart, Kathleen
Life is difficult enough for those of us w/o a diagnosis.
I had a little bit of the other side in the hospital--I think they gave me too much morphine, and I started hallucinating, just as my mother and my sister had done.
I thought it was so great at first--Hey--I can take this, and boy does it zap the pain. (Hospital induced pain--I didn't go in there with pain in my upper back.)
So I can relate a little bit to not being able to trust what one's mind is telling one.
And it sucks.
There is nothing wrong with you, in my opinion. You just have a challenging illness. And thank goodness you have been diagnosed, and they know more about how to treat it than they
used to.
And I often feel very self-conscious in meetings--especially meetings. I got better about walking into a group of strangers (I used to get tunnel vision in those cases) after I took up
ballroom dancing. It felt as if I had finally moved all the way into my body--down to my fingertips and toes.
Husband, in AA meeting, never heard anything anybody else was reading or sharing; he was too busy thinking about what he was going to say when it was his turn.
You are a delight. In my opinion, you are a little chunk of God, as are we all.
And you are perhaps more sensitive and conscientious than the average person. And if you are on medication, even though it may be helping, it can also make you feel a little bit
weird.
And thanks for sharing. You are a very brave girl--you know that?
Hugs,
Temple
Iamhere said
Jan 8, 2019
(((Kathleen))) - I have always been told that feelings are real but they are not facts. I sometimes get sad or scared or ..... and feel like I am a failure or slipping as we 'want' to be Happy, Joyous and Free. Yet - life is difficult and I have to remember there are ups and downs - and Yes God has got it all.
I do positive affirmations and that does help me. It's part of my morning routine and whatever negative is flying in, I counter it with a positive. Deep down, I really do believe that God wants me happy, healthy and whole and that he loves me unconditionally and truly has my back. You are not alone!
Not looking for a diagnosis or anything. I just need to share a few things that have been happening. Actually if I shared what I really feel would anyone really care? Sometimes when I go to any kind of meeting, it seems that I always feel uncomfortable when I leave. I can't believe I have after 33 years in the program & I still struggle w/ this. I don't believe that is true for anyone else or at least I haven't heard anyone talking about it. Don't get me wrong, I do benefit from meetings & hope others see something in me that they see in themselves. I guess maybe they want what I have which I don't understand fully because I don' t feel worthy even now. Maybe I am on the pity pot. I don't like who I am sometimes. I have a disease that sometimes tells me there is nothing wrong w/ me that can be very dangerous. Other times I feel that the world is caving in on me. I feel stupid & very insecure. I kind of have moments when I feel like a newcomer. I need to remind myself to keep the focus on me. Does that make me selfish? In a good way it does.
My life is so strange & unusual. I guess I feel a sense of terminal uniqueness. I don't have a positive post or a great quote to share today. I am stuck & I am willing to say it. Maybe my next post will sound better. I will give it time.
Oh I really like the quote I don't worry about tomorrow cause God is already there! I will stop here.
Kathleen
Hi Kathleen,
I used to have that feeling with any sort of social encounter- not just meetings... beat myself up emotionally.
I am trying to put my finger on how that changed... but it has changed. I just keep talking with folks, and answers do surface, when they is ready...
...
Life is difficult enough for those of us w/o a diagnosis.
I had a little bit of the other side in the hospital--I think they gave me too much morphine, and I started hallucinating, just as my mother and my sister had done.
I thought it was so great at first--Hey--I can take this, and boy does it zap the pain. (Hospital induced pain--I didn't go in there with pain in my upper back.)
So I can relate a little bit to not being able to trust what one's mind is telling one.
And it sucks.
There is nothing wrong with you, in my opinion. You just have a challenging illness. And thank goodness you have been diagnosed, and they know more about how to treat it than they
used to.
And I often feel very self-conscious in meetings--especially meetings. I got better about walking into a group of strangers (I used to get tunnel vision in those cases) after I took up
ballroom dancing. It felt as if I had finally moved all the way into my body--down to my fingertips and toes.
Husband, in AA meeting, never heard anything anybody else was reading or sharing; he was too busy thinking about what he was going to say when it was his turn.
You are a delight. In my opinion, you are a little chunk of God, as are we all.
And you are perhaps more sensitive and conscientious than the average person. And if you are on medication, even though it may be helping, it can also make you feel a little bit
weird.
And thanks for sharing. You are a very brave girl--you know that?
Hugs,
Temple
I do positive affirmations and that does help me. It's part of my morning routine and whatever negative is flying in, I counter it with a positive. Deep down, I really do believe that God wants me happy, healthy and whole and that he loves me unconditionally and truly has my back. You are not alone!