my name is Lora and my wife is an alcoholic.  both of her parents are alcoholics and she also suffers from depression, ptsd, anxiety, and is disassociative.  our relationship has been steadily going downhill since I would say...right after we got married in July.  she blames me for everything.  literally, everything.  I used to cry myself to sleep constantly.  but when I started to not put up with her belittling me anymore, it got even worse, and so did her drinking.  it seems as though she sees alot of flaws in herself but calls them out in me.  no one in my 35 years of life has ever talked to me the way that she does. 

she calls me selfish and says i only care about myself and it's actually the complete opposite   I have lived my entire life selflessly.   she wants me to do things her way.  she says that I'm trying to turn our relationship into what I want and that that's not what she signed up for.  I am overcome with stress and paranoia and depression and do not know what to do.  no matter what I say she takes it the wrong way.  she calls me an embarrassment, among other things.  our relationship turned violent in account of her drinking and not bring able to control herself.  she has burned a small chunk of my hair off with a cigarette. in November she pretended to jump off a bridge while I watched. last month she took a kitchen knife to her throat, then the palm of her hand and severely wounded herself to the point of needing 13 stitches and having nerve damage.  that was my fault too. she told me she wished she bled out so she could write in the blood "Lora did it." she says very hurtful things to me, low blows, about things I've admitted about myself that are shameful and she constantly reminds me of these things.  she makes low blows about my family, including my brother who tragically passed away 2 and a half years ago.  all of this stuff and yet it is all my fault.   is this common behavior for an alcoholic? I'm truly at odds with that to do.  I know she needs help and I know she's a strong woman.  I don't know what is going on half of the time.  I don't know where to go from here.  

Welcome Lora You are not alone Dealing with the disease of alcoholism is very confusing and frustrating. Alanon is a organization  that was founded to help people who live with this disease and I urge you to search out face to face meetings which are held in most communities .

The hot line number is in the white pages.  Here you will learn how to focus your energy on yourself not engage with the insanity and how important it is to protect yourself from the violence by calling 911 if you are hurt. KEEP COMING BACK THERE IS HOPE

Aloha Lora and welcome to the board...you sound very qualified to be a member of The Al-Anon Family Groups and MIP.  The responses you have already received are very supportive and if you take them to heart and follow the suggestions they make changes will start to rise.  

Alcoholism is a very cunning, powerful and baffling disease take our experiences for it and when it has risen to the things you are experiencing it also mentions being fatal.  The fatalities don't only happen to the drinker they also include the family member in many and various ways.  

This is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions, separately or altogether and we don't cause it, we cannot control it and certainly will not be able to cure it.

The suggestion to care for yourself is prime.  The disease has already crossed the border against your own peace of mind and serenity.  

We are here to support you from our own experiences, strengths and hopes and we cannot do it for you.  We will tell you where we came from, what we learned and how we handle it now and we will share that.  Protect yourself and us from your alcoholic she has crossed boundaries and physically harmed herself which brings danger closer than usual. 

Contacting a Behavioral Health Therapist who is experienced with the diseases of addiction can help.

In support.   (((((hugs))))) 

Your story is all too familiar Lora..... as to whether this behavior is 'common' among active alcoholics - let's just say nothing in there are things that the collective group hasn't heard/seen before....

The reality is that she is very sick in her disease, and that her disease is trying to drag you down with it/her.

I'm pleased that you took the positive step of reaching out here....  going to face-to-face Al-Anon meetings will also help a great deal.... I'd also strongly encourage you to get yourself a copy of "Getting Them Sober", volume one, written by Toby Rice Drews.  That book literally saved my life and/or my sanity, and helped me get an understanding of not only what she was going through, but also of what I needed to do, in order to not get dragged into the muck

Keep coming back

Tom

I am so very appreciative for all of you and your willingness to be here for me when you dont know me.  it warms my heart.  i dont think i have anywhere else to turn but i would love to attend al-anon meetings so i can have some people around me face to face who are going through similar things.  

my wife has been sober for 6 says.  she joined AA a month ago but has had a couple slip ups.  when she wants to drink, she makes sure it happens and there is no stopping her, but she has been doing great with not drinking.  shes starting to notice that she reacts to things with less anxiety and that is a big step.  she has been drinking nonstop for 16 years and i know this is going to be a hard process.

although she is sober for a few days and doing great, she is still talking down to me and reminding me of my shortcomings constantly   we have been arguing for close to 3 months straight and it had started to get progressively worse.  i used to cry myself to sleep almost daily as a result of her saying hurtful things to me, in which she then told me i was crying for myself and to stop throwing myself a pity party.  

she has a lot of problems with the way that i am as a person and says that im bringing my upbringing into our family and she will not have it.  in the same breath, she is treating me exactly as her alcolic parents treated her.  i have a hard time grasping this concept.  all of our problems are my fault and she expects me to sit there and listen to her explain her pain that was caused by me and tell me how she does not love me snd does not see a future with me.  

2 months ago she found out that her dad was terminally ill and did not know how to feel about it as he never showed her love and was a belligerant and violent alcoholic who severely abused her.  at first i tried to bring it up lightly and she did what she usually does...change the subject and tell me that im giving her anxiety and stress and didnt want me to ruin her day.  she spent 2 weeks on the couch, refusing to eat, shower, or do anything, and she just drank.  i researched online ways to be there for her emotionally.  i even researched ways to be there for her physically.  many sites suggested making her favorite meal.  which is thanksgiving dinner with an apple pie.  so i did just that.  she still to this day holds it ovet my head that thats not love.  makes fun of me for it. ill ask her if theres something i can do to make her feel better and she says why dont you make me an apple pie?  

i started to react angrily to her talking to this way and it only got worse for me.  if i told her it hurt me she called me selfish and said i only cared about myself.  i would spend my nights and weekends with her being hammered and explaining to me how horrible of a person i am and listing the ways ive hurt her.  i tried to get her to wat and suggested going to visit family and it never mattered.  she would lay in bed next to me and talk for over an hour how im verbally abusive, the worste lerson shes ever met in her life and called me a monster.  she could say whatever she wanted to me and i had to listen because it was my fault that she was hurting so much.  i wasnt there for her.  and to this day, i still tell her that she pushed me away, because its true.  many times she told me she wanted a divorce and threw her ring at me.  

she said i stood over her with cold, dead eyes while she threatened suicide.  and i suppose shes right, because i grew very cold and distant.  i have been taking sleeping pills for 6 months because of the stress and constant repetitive thoughts about all the horrible things she has said to me.  i was always angry, defensive, paranoid, and anxious.  it wasnt until i started to say things back that it got REALLY bad.  i stood up for myself while she constantly beat me down with her words and manipulate my mind to believe that she was right and that im an abusive monster.  it was at the point where i was literally offering to go to anger management.  anger management and i never once believed the problem was me.  i told her she made me angry and she told me that its not something that can be caused by someone else, its who i am as a person.  yet she can say that i make her drink.  

during the hand injury i previously mentioned was when i finally had had enough.  she holds it over my head that i left her at that point.  it was about a week before christmas.  she says i left her in her darkest hour and that i only care about myself.  when i ledt i told her that i was on the verge of losing my mind.  i told her that all i could hear was her voice screaming things at me over and over and told her that i dont feel safe or comfortable at home anymore.  but none of that mattered to her.  all that mattered is her feelings and how ive hurt her and how i make her want to kill herself and she needs xanax or vallium to be around me.  i left for myself, to feel safe, to clear my head.  she refused to hear it.  

last night we laid in bed and for over 2 hours she told me how she didnt love me.  she doesnt love any part of me..heart, mind, body, or soul.  i just lay there and took it.  no matter what my reaponse is it is taken the wrong way.  she got out of bed to smoke a cigarette and i laid there  and sobbed.  she came back to bed and i was still crying but i wrapped around her.  i was very upset and was shaking my leg snd focusing on my breathing to relax.  i fell asleep.  then she woke me up and told me that i was a cold piece of shit for falling asleep after she told me that she didnt love me.  she said that i used to cry more and that i only cried for a show and only felt bad for myself.  i didnt cry enough and didnt care that she told me that she didnt love me.  i was in disbelief   i got up to go pee and she asked me if i was leaving and i yelled no im going pee! she lost it and said that how ive been being nice to her is all an act and that im fake and i just gave her attitude.  she told me to sleep on the couch after that.  i started to cry again and was told im throwing myself another pity party. 

over the past 7 days i gave been literally everything i can to make her happy.  ive been going to meetings with her and doing alot of reaearch and trying to learn about this disease.  ive been patient, kind, motivating,  supportive, attentive and loving.  yet she keeps bringing up how much ive hurt her.  every wrong thing that ive done in her eyes, she brings it up and i say "i thought we were trying to move forward in a positive way, i thought the best apology was changed behavior?" and it doesnt matter.  she tells me she keeps bringing it up because i havent fixed it yet.  not one thing that i do or say is enough! 

i am so incredibly frustrated and am also still hurting because of what has been going on in our lives.  i dont know how much more that i can take.  i dont want to leave her but i do not want to live the rest of my life like this.  it is literally as if everything she yells at me is actually how she feels about herself.  she needs help and i think she is actually coming around to accept that.  i mentioned marriage counseling today and she said she wants to go to counseling doe herself first.  but if i had said that, id be called selfish.  but she can worry about herself and not our marriage.  it is so difficult for me to keep my composure and my family has no idea about her alcoholism.  

((Loranard)) It does sound as if you are in the midst of the insanity Please try to find face to face meetings and attend. I found that the literature , such as the daily readers, the detachment folder and the Just for today bookmark were all extremely helpful .

Trying to reason with the disease is a waste of time. You are right, I believe that the alcoholic accuses others of defects that they see and dislike in themselves-- this is not to say that we are perfect it is important for us to look within and address any issue that might be hurting you. a;anon tools helped me to do just that.
keep coming back and sharing you are not alone.

you are both right. i do not know why i feel as though i need this "blanket." she has helped me so much in the past. weve only been together for 18 months, married for 6 months. i didnt want to tell my family anything. after our wedding, my wife and her family expressed that they felt extremely disrespected by my family at the wedding. i never understood the points they were making. i think theyve all have lived in their own little bubble forever and any differences are seen as bad. i grew distant from my own family after this. even my twin sister. they were and are still hurt about this, but i felt pressured to agree with my new wife. 6 months later and she still brings up how ive never fixed that problem. how ive never made things right.  

she claims thst i only hold loyalty with my family, and not her.  my sister showed me texts from my wife from a year ago and my wife is telling her how much she envies our family and how she would never get between my sister and i.  tells me she loves how close we all are.  i was literally baffled.  she had NEVER said those things to me.  

i finally did go to my family and i was belittled for it.  she said to me, how dare you go to them! how dare you go to people who disrespect me!  youre 35 years old Lora and you still run back ro your family!  again, i am shocked at these statements.  she says things to me that are totally outlandish to the point where i am speechless.  i have been talking to them alot and always have to lie about it and delete texts.  my wife does not go through my phone but i delete them just in case.  i am in constant fear that she will find out what ive told them.  

they have no clue shes an alcoholic and im embarassed to tell them.  what if things work out between my wife and i?! they will never accept her because of the things that ive said.  i believe id they knew EVERYTHING that they would physically remove me.  and i kind of wish they would.  

i feel bad saying that but honesty is key in this process.  i spoke to my wife a couple of hours ago and she already goes to 2 AA meetings a night, but said she was willing to attend al-anon with me if we can find one that works for me as i work 2nd shift.  i think she is going to experience alot of pain when we go.  i think she will understand how i feel and why i left.  

but the question i ask myself a lot is, is she ready and willing to accept that shes been wrong? i dont think she is.  i also ask myself if i really think this is worth it and if i do want to stay.  if she doesnt accept and admit that she has been wrong and can not move past that, then it s going to be impossible.  

where do i find the text that youve mentioned for me to read?  im still trying to find an al-anon meeting for us.  and also, i have been reading the big book.  

i know they are for me to go to alone, i dont think that is going to fly at all.  i would love to go alone, trust me.  im not sure what to do about this.  

 how do i tell her that its for me to attend so i can worry about myself? 

***********************************
When I got into recovery, I was already separated..In fact we separated because I wanted help...He did not....

to me?? Al-anon is our "spirit hospital"  does your mate expect to attend your colonoscopy?? or body scan for issues???  I would take them aside WHEN things are calm and just SAY  "I've got to get into Al-anon to learn how to feel better...be better...think better, I am troubled, sick in my heart and I want to, NEED to get into Al-anon to get me well"  and just DO IT!!!!  I would not say to someone with her obvious mental issues that you only want to worry about you...I would word it sorta like what I said...and then I would say, if there is argument  "I've already started things in motion---I'm going" and then if something is said again, against it, I would say something like "its for the best"  keep it non confrontational, be loving, kind, yet firm in your decision to save you!!!!  I would have a bag hidden somewhere in case I had to "bail" at a moments notice...I would keep my cell phone in my pocket in case you gotta run, now....(When I was married to abusive EX #!, I had bag hidden in neighbors yard --they knew it was there and why) I would also know where I am running!!!  DV shelter or a trusted friend..and if she goes crazy enough that you have to run, maybe a call to 911 for police to check up on her....

Sounds like you have a rattle snake by the head and you can't let go of it, because it may bite......I'm not being sarcastic, I am serious...PLEASE come back....Salvation is here---in Al-anon...Her behavior is going to keep dragging you down until you just break down and end up in lockdown in some hospital...I know...My parents (drinking and other forms of abuse) caused ME to have a breakdown and they aint fun!!! I was a young person and back in those days it wasn't "talked about"  so they drugged me out in this clinic for me to "rest"  then began my life on medication...my here and there therapy due to financial lack helped some, but this program literally saved me....

PLEASE keep coming back...You took your first step reaching out to us....that probably will be the scariest part...Wait till you get into the meets and be "loved to pieces" by genuine, folks who are in recovery and who will accept you AS IS and unconditionally....I'll never forget my first meet...it was a good one and sadly they disbanded....its been hard to find Al-anon meets since, so I go online...it has worked fine for me....Just getting it out AND seeing there IS a solution and there is HOPE and PROMISE for a better life if one just works the program and all its parts........meetings....12 steps work...getting a sponsor to guide you thru the steps, et al......practicing the slogans.....sharing adn caring with others.....wait till you get deep into it...You will know.....You are HOME!!!!!  

Hi Lora hugs to you. I am glad that you came to this board and I hope you find an Al Anon meeting. The meeting is for you and focuses on you.
You have received a lot of excellent messages already. I will just share with you what my Al Anon meetings have helped me to learn even though my situation isn't quite the same. I've learned the three Cs with my AH. I didn't cause his alcoholism or his behaviour, I can't control it and I can't cure it. When I learned to let go of trying to do those three things I could see that no matter what I did or didn't do he was going to drink or he was going to behave the way he was going to behave. I can't CAUSE him to drink, I can't make his life better or worse only he can do that.

el-cee describes setting boundaries in a similar way that I did. I won't repeat it because she describes it so clearly. I too learned to show people how to treat me.

Please take care of your physical and emotional wel lbeing. It's not only ok to do but very important. It sounds as though your AW has some extreme behaviours associated with her disease and personality. This may make it harder to step away for your own well being but you do have a right to do that. I've learned that unfortunately I'm not the best person to help my AH when he's not in a good place. I've learned to be ok with that and to encourage him to seek support form others (even professionals). I don't have to be the one to save him anymore. That's how much Al Anon has helped me. You have a right to a happy life and I hope that you find your way toward it. All the best.

you guys are all simply amazing and have opened my eyes :) i am so excited to get into the face2face meetings and meet some people who can relate with me.  its so nice to know that a program like al-anon exists and can help people like us handle life and ourselves and our emotions.

ive been wanting to get my wife into this place that is a recovery center that is ran by people in recovery. they have recovery and life coaches, and we found out today al-anon meetings! we got her registered there and into an outpatient program that offers many different avenues for recovery. her first appointment is tomorrow. her case worker mentioned how the al-anon meetings were for me and i dont think she fully understood. they are on thursdays at 10am, so next week is my first one!  while on the phone with the outpatient facility, they mentioned a 10:30 appointment for her and i said to her, what about the al-anon meeting tomorrow, her caseworker had to remind me about the one next week.  she told me that i was selfish to bring up the meeting and she doesnt expext anything less from me.  she thinks al-anon is for me to learn about her recovery.  maybe it was selfish of me to bring it up, but i think its also important for me to go to the meeting.  she says i thought my meeting was more important than her recovery and also told me that her recovery is her battle and i cant make it about me   

after we left the recovery center today she told me that they are suggesting a 4 hour a day intensive outpatient program and medication that will make her sick if she does drink and that made her very nervous.  she said she likes the idea of having the ability to control whether she drinks or not on the back burner.  she is still questioning whether or not shes an alcoholic.  when she was on the phone with the outpatient facility,  the caseworker asked me how many beers she has a day and i said, as far as i know 6-12 a day.  then he asked me for how long has that been going on? and i said, 18 months, as long as ive known her.  when we left she asked why i lied, she said i know shes been drinking for longer.  i said yes i do know that but he didnt ask me that and i didnt know you drank more than 12 a day.  she told me sometimes she drank 18 a day, and i didnt know that.  she admitted to me last week that she has been drinking nonstop and heavily since she was 15.  so that means she lied to the caseworker when she said 10 or 12 years, because so it has actually been 15 years.

i just spoke with her on the phone and she told me she wants to go live in texas with her friend who lives in a domicary (sp?) for army veterans who need life coaches and will help with her recovery.  she said she wants to get away from me because she feels unsafe around me.  i was astonished.  that is exactly how she makes me feel.  she says i punish her when she tells me how she feels.  she would rather me listen ro her tell me nonstop what a piece of s***t i am and how ive destroyed her life. i have heard her tell me a million times and lately ive been telling her that i thought we were moving forward positively.  thats what i say when she constantly brings up this pain ive caused her.  i dont bring up what shes done and have been doing nothing but trying to be different and show her i can be a better person.  but my efforts are thwarted and called basic.    

the other night i laid in bed next to her as she told me she didnt love me, my heart, my mind, my soul.  she told me my heart was a black void and she couldnt stand me.  then she left the room to have a cigarette while i sobbed.  she came back and i was still crying a little as i was in shock at what she said.  i was shaking my leg repetitively but i wrapped around her anyway and began focusing on my breathing.  this lulled me to sleep.  she then woke me up by yelling at me saying what a cold piece of shit that i was.  she said i used to cry more.  i wasnt crying enough she said.  again, i feel as though that was conpletely outlandish.  this girl needs serious help bad.  i hope she gets it like she says shes going to because she has had a very very hard life and i feel for her i really do.  but i cant guarantee that i will be there when she finally realizes that it isnt me.  does that make me a bad person? should i stick with al-anon before making any permanent decisions?

Excessive drinking causes insanity.  It is just like someone losing their mind. It's helpful not to take it seriously (hard as that is), because it is insanity talking, not the real person, whoever that is.  The real person probably doesn't even know how she feels at any given moment, there is so much insanity going on.

You asked how you get to meetings alone.  Alcoholics go to enormous lengths to try to insist on the fiction that "Everything's fine, there's no problem."  This means that often they try to control us, through manipulation and getting mad.  They try to make us behave as if their drinking is not a problem.  Pitching a fit when we go to Al-Anon is one of the tactics.  (There are also 10,000 other tactics.)  And we have usually been taught to be caretakers of other people's emotions.  So if someone is angry, we get very worried and feel as if it's unbearable and it's our responsibility to make them not angry.

In truth their emotions are their own responsibility.  If they want to be angry, they're free to do that.  (And if them being angry happens to control us, they want to do it over and over.  When we change our behavior if they get angry, that's a reward for them!  Like reinforcing behavior when a dog does a trick.  They got angry, it worked!  So they get angry the next time even faster.)  But the thing is that if we calmly go about our business even if they're angry, eventually they give up on that tactic.  By eventually I mean in several weeks. 

This doesn't apply if they have a tendency towards violence.  If that's the case, then we need to be very careful to avoid making them angry as much as we can, while - this is the important part - making a plan for our own safety and getting away from them for good, probably with the help of professionals such as advice from a Domestic Violence Shelter.

But assuming she's not a violent person, you can calmly go to a meeting.  If she tries to follow you and be at the meeting too, you can ask the people there what their procedure is.  It sounds like she could benefit from Al-Anon too, since she has alcoholics in the family.  But of course you also need your own meetings without her listening to you.

Take good care of yourself.