I realize as I get older that there are a couple of things going on .. first off my mom just can't help herself .. and second off .. it's not going to change.
I was a bad daughter and didn't call during the holidays which sends my mother into panic mode that I'm angry with her .. I'm not angry .. I just don't want to deal .. I can't deal with the neediness and it is needy .. I can't handle the criticism and it is brutal at times. She's completely oblivious to what she says or how she says it and it is totally why I am the way I am in terms of I do try to be sensitive however I am way more of a straight shooter of dealing with "core" issue related things .. I am probably not the person you want to talk to if you want someone to hold your hand .. I am going to give a direct observation as well as a build up of you got this. Sometimes people aren't ready for what I have to say and that's ok. I struggle a LOT with THINK .. I get to THIN .. the whole K thing .. it's hard.
Anyway, I did finally reach out to my mom and I did it in a chickenesqe way .. lol .. I had the kids call her and I sent a text. Things have been busy .. I don't feel myself at the moment. Honestly I just don't want to deal .. it's not against her in any way .. however it is totally her if that makes any sense. So the email I get back is how she's sorry that I don't feel well, the company we had over the past week (the extra boys), her kitchen that's still not done and I don't understand that I don't like this contractor she's using. Him and I are about to have a come to Jesus discussion about what's going on. I changed my profile picture on my FB page to be that and my oldest kiddo. The picture was taken while we were standing in the rain at his college at I think it was 7am 3 months ago maybe longer. LOL .. my mom proceeds to comment about how puffy I look and how she can see what a toll things are taking on me. As I read through it .. it's honestly amazing I survived with any sense of self esteem when I walked out the door .. it was very low and I still keep people at a distance .. working on that I am much more selective on who I let in. Anyway, I'm thinking for the love of God S .. remember to play in THINK .. to the best of your ability. So I told her I'm sorry that she's still living out of boxes in the kitchen, I'm glad the kids called blah blah blah .. no I don't feel good however that picture is not current and I may be puffy .. it's probably because I'm fat and honestly I'm ok with that .. LOL.
She honestly has zero clue how utterly critical and hard she is on people .. even strangers she's got something to say about them .. it's surprising she hasn't been brutally called out in public .. zero filter. There is a possibility that she is mentally incapable of realizing how she sounds or what she says. As I have gotten older I try to be more understanding .. my usual dry comment is, mom you realize that you used your real voice and not the silent one in your head .. lol. Thinking and saying mom .. two different things. She is straight up rude at times and yet I know or want to believe she's just so clueless she's just unaware of how she sounds. I do laugh to myself and usually a mental picture of hand over face shaking my head thinking I am not getting shot because this woman can't keep her comments to herself.
Anyway .. it explains totally why I am the way I am and these pictures bring to light I could be soooo much worse than I am .. yes .. there is such a thing as to much honesty and I try to really hide my judgy thoughts .. lol. I am grateful whatever I think I can manage not to say.
Hugs S :)
JerryF said
Jan 4, 2019
Serenity I read this post under the influence of the early journey into Al-Anon and then under the influence of "what happened" after getting into the program and letting it influence my understanding. My mother was also born under the influence of alcoholism and she also "didn't know that she didn't know". I survived the consequence of that until I got into the rooms and also here. I got into recovery and with the influence of our program and so many members and their awareness I came to see she was "acting out" outside of the program. In time even without her asking for help I shared what I had and was learning in program and the consequence of that was she also received peace of mind and serenity before she died as did my step-father. I had no expectation and only the trust that if they heard what I had heard during all of the groups I attended they would also find the peace of mind and serenity their son had. It works when we work it and I never once mentioned Al-Anon other than in my walk.
She like me was raised under the influence of drug addiction and alcoholism...I came to understand.
Thanks for this share. ((((Hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Jan 4, 2019
Actually Jerry the ironic part is at least my grandparents were not alcoholics and my mom walked a line that many of us do in terms of leaning over the shades of gray so to speak .. I have an idea that my grandma was raised with a whole lot of fear not necessarily addiction however emotionally/mentally based .. and passed it over to my mom. I feel very sorry for her because she's the most aware unaware person I deal with. This is just who she is .. kind of like why do some people raised in really great families go on to commit horrendous things and others who were raised in extremely subpar situations go on to greatness. It's personality of choices and choosing to remain a victim of circumstances.
I find the situation with my mom more humorous than not .. however it doesn't make dealing with her any easier at times. I feel suffocated and that I can't breath on a bad day .. on a good day I am much more relaxed .. I am not a fan of the holidays. The fact I even participate is a big step for me.
Anyway, .. lol .. it is what it is .. today was a relief I choose not to interact any more than I needed too.
S :)
Temple said
Jan 4, 2019
Dear S:
Well--"That which does not kill me makes me stronger." Does that make you want to punch somebody's lights out?
Every time I see the word Mom in one of your posts I freeze and I've never met the woman.
Hubs told daughter: Your mother is like somebody I don't know. She can't help but say what she's thinking; what is true for her.
Daughter, unimpressed: And this is different how?
H: And she's not looking out for other people's feelings.
Daughter: And?
See, I've always lacked a filter, but I worried about it a lot. And I did lie to people to try and make them feel better. Isn't that sick to write that?
You always make me laugh no matter how grim things get. And from here, things look a whole lot better than they did 3 years ago. Remember when you got your two kids in the car and headed out to the Territory? Unknown Territory. Where the people might be savages. Well, you were used to that.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings nor disparage your oldest child in my last response to you. Meant to edit before sending. Then meant to go back in and edit and too stupid currently to do that. This whole site is still scary to me.
You got this! You got everything. Dealing with the oldest kid alone, Bless His Heart would have me holed up in the closet with a bottle of cherry schnapps and I don't even drink.
You are one of my heroines, if I may.
Love to read you.
Temple
Hushpuppies! Which should go right after the Gray Charles quote. That's for another day. I think I am better. Hard to tell. I haven't added any new allergies today, so that is better.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 7, 2019
Hugs Temple,
No you have not offended me in the least .. lol. I hope you are well I am telling you the illness is the beast this winter so many people down where I work at the moment.
That oldest of mine is trying and it's so hard to watch I have taken to saying my kid hasn't taken the road less travelled he's gone down the unpaved, unmarked road and needs a hatchet to mark the path. O.o Bless his heart he takes many steps forward and gets shoved backwards. Ohhhh I am sooo GLAD he left his job when he did. My youngest went to that 7/11 yesterday evening not late and was informed it was a good thing my kid left when he did .. they found a dead body in the bathroom last week .. I was like OMGOSH .. God is at work in these situations. I have NO regrets that my kid is no longer there after the other incident and this one and this is after I just made the statement that they were going to wind up with a dead person and how sad would that be .. there it happens. That poor person to pass away like that .. smh.
So no job is not a bad thing and we are in agreement no 7/11's in the near future AT.ALL.
Love you my friend I hope you are well. And yes .. what does not kill you def makes you stronger I figure Superwoman has to be out there somewhere. :)
S :)
Temple said
Jan 7, 2019
Bless you!
When I saw you'd posted again, I thought "Oh Noes! The Momster is at it again!"
I read that if one assumes the Wonder Woman pose--knuckles to the waist/ top of the hips, legs planted somewhat apart--that some of the WW infuses itself into the psyche.
Supposed to be powerful, in any case.
Just musing--has anyone had Wonder Woman for her HP?
Hugs,
T.
mamalioness said
Jan 8, 2019
WOW!! Serenity, I could relate to so much of your great post...i may not comment on all your shares, but trust me..I read you and I grow...the "straight shooter" I related to AND, I am the same way...I tell it like it is..TRY to say it kind, but I'm not a "hand holder" type either....and the THIN---K Oh yea, had to smile at that....I so related to your share...Thanks so much.....
I realize as I get older that there are a couple of things going on .. first off my mom just can't help herself .. and second off .. it's not going to change.
I was a bad daughter and didn't call during the holidays which sends my mother into panic mode that I'm angry with her .. I'm not angry .. I just don't want to deal .. I can't deal with the neediness and it is needy .. I can't handle the criticism and it is brutal at times. She's completely oblivious to what she says or how she says it and it is totally why I am the way I am in terms of I do try to be sensitive however I am way more of a straight shooter of dealing with "core" issue related things .. I am probably not the person you want to talk to if you want someone to hold your hand .. I am going to give a direct observation as well as a build up of you got this. Sometimes people aren't ready for what I have to say and that's ok. I struggle a LOT with THINK .. I get to THIN .. the whole K thing .. it's hard.
Anyway, I did finally reach out to my mom and I did it in a chickenesqe way .. lol .. I had the kids call her and I sent a text. Things have been busy .. I don't feel myself at the moment. Honestly I just don't want to deal .. it's not against her in any way .. however it is totally her if that makes any sense. So the email I get back is how she's sorry that I don't feel well, the company we had over the past week (the extra boys), her kitchen that's still not done and I don't understand that I don't like this contractor she's using. Him and I are about to have a come to Jesus discussion about what's going on. I changed my profile picture on my FB page to be that and my oldest kiddo. The picture was taken while we were standing in the rain at his college at I think it was 7am 3 months ago maybe longer. LOL .. my mom proceeds to comment about how puffy I look and how she can see what a toll things are taking on me.
As I read through it .. it's honestly amazing I survived with any sense of self esteem when I walked out the door .. it was very low and I still keep people at a distance .. working on that I am much more selective on who I let in. Anyway, I'm thinking for the love of God S .. remember to play in THINK .. to the best of your ability. So I told her I'm sorry that she's still living out of boxes in the kitchen, I'm glad the kids called blah blah blah .. no I don't feel good however that picture is not current and I may be puffy .. it's probably because I'm fat and honestly I'm ok with that .. LOL.
She honestly has zero clue how utterly critical and hard she is on people .. even strangers she's got something to say about them .. it's surprising she hasn't been brutally called out in public .. zero filter. There is a possibility that she is mentally incapable of realizing how she sounds or what she says. As I have gotten older I try to be more understanding .. my usual dry comment is, mom you realize that you used your real voice and not the silent one in your head .. lol. Thinking and saying mom .. two different things. She is straight up rude at times and yet I know or want to believe she's just so clueless she's just unaware of how she sounds. I do laugh to myself and usually a mental picture of hand over face shaking my head thinking I am not getting shot because this woman can't keep her comments to herself.
Anyway .. it explains totally why I am the way I am and these pictures bring to light I could be soooo much worse than I am .. yes .. there is such a thing as to much honesty and I try to really hide my judgy thoughts .. lol. I am grateful whatever I think I can manage not to say.
Hugs S :)
Serenity I read this post under the influence of the early journey into Al-Anon and then under the influence of "what happened" after getting into the program and letting it influence my understanding. My mother was also born under the influence of alcoholism and she also "didn't know that she didn't know". I survived the consequence of that until I got into the rooms and also here. I got into recovery and with the influence of our program and so many members and their awareness I came to see she was "acting out" outside of the program. In time even without her asking for help I shared what I had and was learning in program and the consequence of that was she also received peace of mind and serenity before she died as did my step-father. I had no expectation and only the trust that if they heard what I had heard during all of the groups I attended they would also find the peace of mind and serenity their son had. It works when we work it and I never once mentioned Al-Anon other than in my walk.
She like me was raised under the influence of drug addiction and alcoholism...I came to understand.
Thanks for this share. ((((Hugs))))
I find the situation with my mom more humorous than not .. however it doesn't make dealing with her any easier at times. I feel suffocated and that I can't breath on a bad day .. on a good day I am much more relaxed .. I am not a fan of the holidays. The fact I even participate is a big step for me.
Anyway, .. lol .. it is what it is .. today was a relief I choose not to interact any more than I needed too.
S :)
Well--"That which does not kill me makes me stronger." Does that make you want to punch somebody's lights out?
Every time I see the word Mom in one of your posts I freeze and I've never met the woman.
Hubs told daughter: Your mother is like somebody I don't know. She can't help but say what she's thinking; what is true for her.
Daughter, unimpressed: And this is different how?
H: And she's not looking out for other people's feelings.
Daughter: And?
See, I've always lacked a filter, but I worried about it a lot. And I did lie to people to try and make them feel better. Isn't that sick to write that?
You always make me laugh no matter how grim things get. And from here, things look a whole lot better than they did 3 years ago. Remember when you got your two kids in the car and headed out to the Territory? Unknown Territory. Where the people might be savages. Well, you were used to that.
I hope I didn't hurt your feelings nor disparage your oldest child in my last response to you. Meant to edit before sending. Then meant to go back in and edit and too stupid currently to do that. This whole site is still scary to me.
You got this! You got everything. Dealing with the oldest kid alone, Bless His Heart would have me holed up in the closet with a bottle of cherry schnapps and I don't even drink.
You are one of my heroines, if I may.
Love to read you.
Temple
Hushpuppies! Which should go right after the Gray Charles quote. That's for another day. I think I am better. Hard to tell. I haven't added any new allergies today, so that is better.
No you have not offended me in the least .. lol. I hope you are well I am telling you the illness is the beast this winter so many people down where I work at the moment.
That oldest of mine is trying and it's so hard to watch I have taken to saying my kid hasn't taken the road less travelled he's gone down the unpaved, unmarked road and needs a hatchet to mark the path. O.o Bless his heart he takes many steps forward and gets shoved backwards. Ohhhh I am sooo GLAD he left his job when he did. My youngest went to that 7/11 yesterday evening not late and was informed it was a good thing my kid left when he did .. they found a dead body in the bathroom last week .. I was like OMGOSH .. God is at work in these situations. I have NO regrets that my kid is no longer there after the other incident and this one and this is after I just made the statement that they were going to wind up with a dead person and how sad would that be .. there it happens. That poor person to pass away like that .. smh.
So no job is not a bad thing and we are in agreement no 7/11's in the near future AT.ALL.
Love you my friend I hope you are well. And yes .. what does not kill you def makes you stronger I figure Superwoman has to be out there somewhere. :)
S :)
When I saw you'd posted again, I thought "Oh Noes! The Momster is at it again!"
I read that if one assumes the Wonder Woman pose--knuckles to the waist/ top of the hips, legs planted somewhat apart--that some of the WW infuses itself into the psyche.
Supposed to be powerful, in any case.
Just musing--has anyone had Wonder Woman for her HP?
Hugs,
T.