I don't often post here but in between my local meetings, I read a lot here and get a lot of strength and clarity from all of you. I am posting because I have been struggling a bit since my ex-husband ("R)") announced that he'd decided to go to rehab, and then entered rehab on Dec. 17.
We were married for over 20 years; separated 6 years ago, divorced for the last 1.5 years. Alcohol mixed with heavy xanax use was an ongoing problem for the last 10 years, if not more. We share a 23 year old daughter with special needs, who lives full time with me.
For all of our marriage, R told me that I was crazy, that his drinking wasn't a problem, the problem was ME and my "excessive moderation." He did a lot of gaslighting, denying, lying -- the usual, I know. He was high functioning -- not a binge drinker, not a full-out, pass-out drunk, but someone who, every evening, headed for the wine bottle or a few shots of vodka to "relax" and to "enjoy with dinner." I didn't know how much xanax he was using simultaneously (didn't know he was using it at all until the last year of our marriage) - so he just became really zoned out, quite zombie-like. Blackouts were a frequent feature of the last years of our marriage, too.
After we separated, I said repeatedly that the bright-line was that in order for us to get back together, he'd have to agree to a) go to someone with me to talk about his drinking or b) agree to get help on his own about drinking. He said he'd do anything to save our marriage -- except that, of course. He refused. It was very clarifying for me, really, and made my path clear.
Since our separation, it's been apparent that he's been drinking more and continuing to use xanax to manage rampant anxiety. He's had a lot of health issues which, I suspect, are related to a life of heavy drinking. (he's now 70.) He has a girlfriend with whom he hopes to live with soon, although he mentioned in passing that she is refusing to live with him while his drinking is an issue.
But in October, after calling to tell me why our daughter could not come visit him, he confessed that he'd been drinking even more, drinking in the mornings to stop tremors, using xanax more thru the day, and that his girlfriend and doctor were urging rehab. He elected to go to rehab from mid-Dec to mid-January, while the school where he teaches is on break.
I have been surprised at how many conflicting emotions this has created for me -- including a lot of anger. On the one hand, my brain knows this is a good move for him. I know it's hard for him to acknowledge that he has a problem and I'm sure the experience will create a lot of anxiety. I also know it's a good thing for my daughter. If he can start addressing this, he can be a more available dad == and he's been pretty unavailable over the last few years. Before he went, I expressed my support and told him that I thought it was a great start, good for him for facing this, his friends and family would support him, etc.
At the same time, this has raised so much sadness and anger in me -- and I've been surprised about that. I know that his getting treatment is a good thing for him, and for our daughter in the long run. I also know that his facing his drinking would NOT solve the issues in our marriage, so there's not a sense of wishing I could be back with him, or thinking that it could have changed things. He's narcissistic and pompous and generally quite dismissive, and that's not just about alcohol. So, I don't want to be married to him whether he's drinking or not. I feel a lot of relief that I don't have to live through his day to day struggles with all of this.
But gosh, at times I'm furious. Furious that he denied having a problem, that he lied to me so much, that NOW he says "yes, I have a problem" when for years and years he told me he didn't. I'm furious that I bear the sole job of dealing with our daughter's issues while he goes off to deal with his stuff. I'm furious that he has cancelled one scheduled get together with our daughter after another, telling her he didn't feel well, while telling ime that he's been too anxious and then drinking too much to deal with it ... And i"m left to cope with my daughter's hurt and disappointment. I'm furious that, even after divorcing him, his drinking (and yes, his treatment) is messing with my daily life because now I have to shift my life around to take our daughter to visit him AT HIS CONVENIENCE. I'm furious that his drinking it still impacting me.
For the most part, I'm calm. I know that it's good, in general for him to get help. I know that whether he is drinking or not doesn't change the happiness and peace in my life and household. I know that I have a great relationship with my daughter and she is doing remarkably well. She's handled learning about his drinking really well -- he's told her since we separated that he'd totally stopped drinking, which was a lie, so his telling her he needed to go to rehab was a surprise to her and has caused her to come to terms with his lying to her. I'm the one helping her process, and getting her to her therapist so she has help with that.
I'm so so glad it's not all IN MY HOUSE. I'm so glad I'm not married to him. But gosh, I'm sad about the life I thought I'd have with him if he'd been able to stop drinking; I'm sad that he's 70 and only dealing with this for the first time, and most of all I'm just ANGRY.
Probably normal. And I'm using my One Day at a Time to process and detach. But wow, the emotions this brings up in me still surprise me.
hotrod said
Jan 3, 2019
((Norasq)) you are not alone Feeling angry at this dreadful disease is what drove me to alanon and has kept me here for all these years. The damage caused by alcohlism is indeed immeasurable however alanon provided me with the tools and principles that allowed me to feel my feelings, share them and then release them so I could live a sane, happy life . I am glad you shared your concerns that is important now you can move on to prayers for guidance so that he pain will lift and you will be free. Remember we are powerless over others and that acceptance is the key to recovery
Iamhere said
Jan 3, 2019
(((Norasq))) - thank you for your share and your honesty. That deep anger is familiar and like Betty, helped me get to Al-Anon. I felt paralyzed in place at times, as I really had no idea how to heal/deal/cop with the negative emotions and the negative affects of this disease. Al-Anon gave me tools to process it, and move forward, one day at a time.
Over time, my anger was replaced with sadness as I grieved for what I thought I wanted/needed from a partner in my life. The sadness still comes at times, and I see it today as a reminder of the power of this disease and my powerless to change anything but me. I hope you keep coming back and am sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
SerenityRUS said
Jan 3, 2019
Hugs,
I think there is that residual feeling (for me) of why didn't it happen earlier and why couldn't or wouldn't he get sober for me. The reality is the insanity of the disease and my thought process that I have some kind of power in the situation. The other thing I have to look at in my situation is regardless if my x is drinking or not the reality is that he continues to do what he does which is blame everyone else for his issues.
I am glad you are here and working through your anger. The program is a huge gift. Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
Maresie said
Jan 3, 2019
I am sorry your life is so taken up with dealing with this. I have certainly had my life swallowed up by.alcohol8sm. One of my.neighbors who is alcoholic decided to.flooed our apartment building over Thanksgiving. I certainly had a very very big reaction to that development. Luckily.for me I was not as dramatically affected by that development.as my neighbors were.
One tool I had to learn in.al anon was detachment. Detaching from the situation helped me to really work on what was mine and what was theirs.
The other issue I had to look at is expectations. My family of origin was very chaotic and dysfunctional. As a result I developed a kind of malignant hope. Of course I had to have hope as a child but the kind of hope and expectations I had as a child were bound by the fact I was helpless As an adult I.certainly have room for more measured expectations.
My own experience of people going to rehab was pretty.volatile. I felt cety.angry, pretty set up and rather resentful. Whatever you are feeling is pretty valid.
Validating your feelings is important. 9f course you have every reason to ve resentful of a father who.doesnt do his part.
Embracing al.anon has been a long haul.for me. Every.day Inam grateful for what this program has given me. I have a measured view of alcoholism today. Bi certainly celebrate sobriety in others but I dont expect it.
I.am glad yoi.are here and able to reach out and get support.
Maresie
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 3, 2019
I just wanted to send you support, and to validate you on your feelings.
Even though I know intellectually that getting sober now is on my Ex's HP's timeline, and it is better for him (I don't hate him now) and our now adult son, but I do frequently get these intense feelings regarding "Why now?" "Why not when I was giving you every darn piece of my soul as a partner?"
That is one of the many reasons I am still in Al-Anon, and feel that it helps me each day to deal with my issues. It has become a healthy touchstone for me.
I guess I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your intense feelings.
Wishing Peace & Light to envelope you!
norasq said
Jan 3, 2019
Thank you all for your support and comments. I do know how much Alanon principles are helping me. I guess I'm learning that detachment isn't something that one does and then is finished with! (hahah) For the most part I'm doing a lot better at feeling detached -- at least when it comes to my own relationship with the ex-A, I'm finding that it keeps sneaking up on me when things affect my daughter. I suppose that means that I still have a lot more learning and detaching to do so whatever happens doesn't throw me off of even-keel.
Some of you mentioned feeling "why didn't he do this for me? What if he'd done this years ago?" I've had those fleeting thoughts with a bit of sadness, but mostly at this point, I feel relief. If he HAD been willing to talk about his drinking, I would have stayed and kept trying to work on our marriage. And really, I've come to appreciate that his using alcohol and drugs to medicate his anxiety and depression is going to be something he struggles with for the rest of his life, whether or not he is actively using. I think, before I started with Alanon, I thought that if he'd just stop drinking, things would be okay and we could get our marriage back to a solid footing. Now I think that it is far more complex than that, and that so many of the issues would remain whether or not he continued to drink.
So, weirdly, I've come to think of his refusing to get help back when we separated as a GOOD thing for me, because it forced me to take action and allowed me to get some distance which I sorely needed.
I have a good friend who has been an Alanon "regular" for years, having a lot of family member addicts. I was talking to her recently, saying something like "it's hard to know what to do" and she stopped me, and said, "no, it's easy. The drinking and drugs are HIS problem. Your role is easy. You take care of you and your daughter. His problems are HIS problems."
That was such a clear application of detachment that I've found it helpful. When I start to get upset or start mulling this stuff over, I hear her voice saying, "no, it's easy." And it reminds me that my life and what's in front of me in my lane IS easy. His stuff is not my stuff.
Anyway, I guess I wanted to share my experience and surprise at how the emotions keep popping up. Alanon meetings, readings, and you all really help to keep things in perspective. Thank you.
Maresie said
Jan 3, 2019
I believe what has been hard for me to know what to do with is the obsession. I believe my own life was so lonely and deprived that I sought relief from someone else. The issue is too that the now ex alcoholic could come through sometimes.
I know for ne the other issue was that the now ex A's life seemed far more interesting than mine. Alcoholics seem to attract a lot of attention . Some of then can be gregarious I have been very shy
Getting busy is difficult to do when you have responsibility. One of the traits of many alcoholics us to be irresponsible I have a sister who is an alcoholic and sometimes her denial can even seen attractive. She has a great way of painting a vision of life that has never happened
Detachment for me was definitely an uphill task I felt overly responsible for the alcoholic I felt my abandonment issues repeatedly around them
I have had to work hard on self care issues Some people refer to the massive task of detaching from.an alcoholic as radical self care.
I wouldn't a totally say taking care of ourselves is an easy task. I am an e pert at taking care of others and a total novice at taking care of myself
Maresie
JerryF said
Jan 3, 2019
Gracious Lord Ladies of MIP!! This is a teaching post in it's entirety and it has captured my willingness to understand and practice. It has also repeated the empathy of how I was attended to when I first found the program and decided to keep coming back one day at a time. What is shared here if practiced daily will help to insure serenity and sanity. Mahalo HP for allowing me to do this this morning rather than anything else first. (((((MIP)))))
bobosensei said
Jan 3, 2019
I have a similar situation with my ex husband. He is not an alcoholic, but suffers from PTSD. He wouldn't get help and I was miserable due to his emotional abuse for years before moving out. Our divorce was final about a year and a half ago. Several months later he moved for a job, and a few months back I found out he is getting married in July. So many mixed emotions. Sometimes I am so angry at him and other times sad that he couldn't get the help he needed when we were together. The thing is I don't think my ex has changed. So sometimes I feel sorry for his fiance for not knowing what she is getting into. I get angry at myself too. The times I wonder if I had stood up for myself would I have ever gotten married to him or would he have gotten help. All I can trust and hope is that Al Anon is helping me become a better person. To overcome these feelings in the future.
JerryF said
Jan 3, 2019
Bobo welcome to the family. I hear your hope in this post and feel supportive for you. I once was at that point where trusting the program was taking a gamble on what it was trying to teach me while I sat in the rooms of Al-Anon and watched members with much more horrible pasts get sane and serene and then able to offer me help. I have witnessed thousands of miracles in recover which caused me to wonder and then hope I could gain some also...and then I did when I stopped questioning the program and surrendered myself to it. I do get miracles for myself and think at times I've had more than my share and some miracles beyond explanation. Still I promised them and the promises became fulfilled. Let go of your way of doing it and practice the programs way with courage, commitment and continuing to come back daily. (((((hugs)))))
Bo said
Jan 8, 2019
Welcome. You have a lot to be grateful for. While you both are a parent to a child -- a special needs child -- you can be grateful that: you are no longer married, no longer living with, no longer having to deal with him and his disease on a day to day and minute to minute basis. That's a good thing, a very good thing.
Do not live life in the rear-view mirror. What happened during the marriage, what he did, said, what you did, how you reacted, and so on -- is over. It's over. History. Learn from it, don't go back and re-live it, and do not let it define you. It's over.
The emotions today, are just that. They are not your life or you living. His decision, yes, you are right, it's a good one. For him, and for your daughter. Period. Be grateful this possibility now exists. High hopes and low expectations. It is up to him. Not you!
Anger? OK. That's about YOU. Why? Check your motives. Look at yourself, openly and honestly. You being angry, furious -- because he denied he had a problem, because he lied to you -- THAT IS ABOUT YOU!!! YOU! That is your problem. So, address it. Talk to your sponsor. Go meet with him/her. You will either do it -- tackle this, and do the work -- or not and just talk about it, analyze, ponder, hypothesize, etc. Up to you. Being angry and furious is a sign -- read it! You are aware of it. If you want, do something about it!
On the other hand, being angry and furious that you had to handle dealing with all of your daughter's issues then, and even now -- that's the price of being a parent. Yes, he's MIA again, but he's MIA because he is going to rehab!!! Great for him!!! Yes, you have every reason to be sad, disappointed, even angry -- about the canceled visits with your daughter. That was and is on him. It is because of his alcoholism. It is your job to be there for your daughter and help her with the hurt and disappointment. I would punt and wait as far as visiting him in rehab. See how his rehab plays out. He could walk out in 1 or 5 days, or he could finish it. Yes, you have to pick up some of the pieces -- that's what happens when you are married, divorced from, co-parenting, with an alcoholic!
Be there for her. And for YOU. Be good to yourself. Talk to your sponsor and do the work! You can and will get better and get healthy, and you can let go of the anger, being furious, etc.
Temple said
Jan 8, 2019
Nora--
Well of course--part of you, as my dear friend says, wants to "punch his lights out." But you are too much a lady and have more Alanon in you than that.
But perfectly understandable.
I find that a fine anger can be very clarifying.
And goody on you! You see the upside--this isn't happening in your house! My husband just quit when I intimated that I'd be going it alone if he continued to drink. But from what I read, for those who go to rehab, it is seldom a one-time thing. And they tend to learn a lot of recovery-babble that just helps them to fool themselves and others more efficiently.
And Thank God for the round that finally ends the drinking. I just wouldn't have the strength to go through it. Dry drunks are about as much as I can bear.
I got on here to say something.
I have a friend whose husband is a real--well, let's not get into anatomical descriptions. Just for a sample--she's had cancer and he gripes about her "costing him all this money running to the Dr." Nevermind that she has a very good cancer policy on top of their coverage from his former company. A real winner. And he isn't even drinking.
Friend has a life insurance policy on him.. And she assiduously keeps up the payments. He doesn't even know about it. Term is pretty inexpensive.
Your daughter sounds like a credit to her upbringing. What a blessing! You've done a fine job--single-handedly and with a 30 handicap. Celebrate yourself.
All feelings are valid, and to be welcomed. They come to pass. The negative ones don't come to stay and the less you resist them, the quicker they will leave, has been my experience.
I have a little black teddy bear. I was sleeping with him at the hospital and one day I really looked at his little face, and I thought--this is one disgruntled bear. So now he sits on my dresser and collects grievances, so I don't have to.
I hope you post often. I always learn a lot from you.
Hugs,
Temple
Sorry about the cornpone signature line--some day I'll have the energy to replace it with something less cheeky, maybe. And less foody.
norasq said
Jan 8, 2019
Bo and Temple thank you for your recent comments.
Bo, you reminded me of what a good message anger is. And you've reminded me about the looking backwards vs forwards thing, a really good reminder. Thank you for that. I think there were so many things I *didn't* get angry about when we were married, and so in some ways the anger now is a sign that I recognize how out-of-whack things were. But that is past... I will continue to work on this, but maybe for now I will try telling myself that my anger is a reflection of what I know now how much I have learned, and I don't have to be angry about that past stuff any more. An art-journaling course I took once taught me the mantra "I know it because I LEARNED it." And because i've learned it, I can let go of the anger.
I guess stuff that happens now triggers that old stuff, and my anger is a signal that I am not going to take that any more. I will keep working on this, but thank you for your insight.
And Temple, I love the idea about your grumbly-faced bear. Having some place to put that negative stuff to let it go is useful. My daughter's therapist has her write stuff on paper and then they burn it. Maybe I should try that!
norasq said
Jan 8, 2019
By the way, I wanted to say that I did take my daughter to visit her dad at rehab this past weekend. They had a one-hour visit, she seemed fine and relieved to see her dad looking "normal" and okay, so I think that was useful for her. Me, I just waved from the car as I dropped her off. My daughter and I went out for a nice lunch afterwards and that was an enjoyable time together. But on the way home, driving on a windy road through a steep hilly area in the pouring rain, I came around a corner to find that the rain had washed a bunch of rocks onto the road -- my tire hit one and I got a flat tire. So, we sat in the car in the rain, waited for the tow truck, and got home after having the car towed to a local tire shop.
The experience made me think that it might not be a bad analogy -- at another time in my life, I might have gotten upset, worried about what to do, felt helpless on the side of the road. Now, I called AAA, felt good about making sure I always have auto club protection, and knew we'd be fine despite that literal rock in the road. Sort of like getting past the divorce and alcoholic -- the bump in my life path, but Alanon is my "AAA" and I can keep on going!
Hi, all --
I don't often post here but in between my local meetings, I read a lot here and get a lot of strength and clarity from all of you. I am posting because I have been struggling a bit since my ex-husband ("R)") announced that he'd decided to go to rehab, and then entered rehab on Dec. 17.
We were married for over 20 years; separated 6 years ago, divorced for the last 1.5 years. Alcohol mixed with heavy xanax use was an ongoing problem for the last 10 years, if not more. We share a 23 year old daughter with special needs, who lives full time with me.
For all of our marriage, R told me that I was crazy, that his drinking wasn't a problem, the problem was ME and my "excessive moderation." He did a lot of gaslighting, denying, lying -- the usual, I know. He was high functioning -- not a binge drinker, not a full-out, pass-out drunk, but someone who, every evening, headed for the wine bottle or a few shots of vodka to "relax" and to "enjoy with dinner." I didn't know how much xanax he was using simultaneously (didn't know he was using it at all until the last year of our marriage) - so he just became really zoned out, quite zombie-like. Blackouts were a frequent feature of the last years of our marriage, too.
After we separated, I said repeatedly that the bright-line was that in order for us to get back together, he'd have to agree to a) go to someone with me to talk about his drinking or b) agree to get help on his own about drinking. He said he'd do anything to save our marriage -- except that, of course. He refused. It was very clarifying for me, really, and made my path clear.
Since our separation, it's been apparent that he's been drinking more and continuing to use xanax to manage rampant anxiety. He's had a lot of health issues which, I suspect, are related to a life of heavy drinking. (he's now 70.) He has a girlfriend with whom he hopes to live with soon, although he mentioned in passing that she is refusing to live with him while his drinking is an issue.
But in October, after calling to tell me why our daughter could not come visit him, he confessed that he'd been drinking even more, drinking in the mornings to stop tremors, using xanax more thru the day, and that his girlfriend and doctor were urging rehab. He elected to go to rehab from mid-Dec to mid-January, while the school where he teaches is on break.
I have been surprised at how many conflicting emotions this has created for me -- including a lot of anger. On the one hand, my brain knows this is a good move for him. I know it's hard for him to acknowledge that he has a problem and I'm sure the experience will create a lot of anxiety. I also know it's a good thing for my daughter. If he can start addressing this, he can be a more available dad == and he's been pretty unavailable over the last few years. Before he went, I expressed my support and told him that I thought it was a great start, good for him for facing this, his friends and family would support him, etc.
At the same time, this has raised so much sadness and anger in me -- and I've been surprised about that. I know that his getting treatment is a good thing for him, and for our daughter in the long run. I also know that his facing his drinking would NOT solve the issues in our marriage, so there's not a sense of wishing I could be back with him, or thinking that it could have changed things. He's narcissistic and pompous and generally quite dismissive, and that's not just about alcohol. So, I don't want to be married to him whether he's drinking or not. I feel a lot of relief that I don't have to live through his day to day struggles with all of this.
But gosh, at times I'm furious. Furious that he denied having a problem, that he lied to me so much, that NOW he says "yes, I have a problem" when for years and years he told me he didn't. I'm furious that I bear the sole job of dealing with our daughter's issues while he goes off to deal with his stuff. I'm furious that he has cancelled one scheduled get together with our daughter after another, telling her he didn't feel well, while telling ime that he's been too anxious and then drinking too much to deal with it ... And i"m left to cope with my daughter's hurt and disappointment. I'm furious that, even after divorcing him, his drinking (and yes, his treatment) is messing with my daily life because now I have to shift my life around to take our daughter to visit him AT HIS CONVENIENCE. I'm furious that his drinking it still impacting me.
For the most part, I'm calm. I know that it's good, in general for him to get help. I know that whether he is drinking or not doesn't change the happiness and peace in my life and household. I know that I have a great relationship with my daughter and she is doing remarkably well. She's handled learning about his drinking really well -- he's told her since we separated that he'd totally stopped drinking, which was a lie, so his telling her he needed to go to rehab was a surprise to her and has caused her to come to terms with his lying to her. I'm the one helping her process, and getting her to her therapist so she has help with that.
I'm so so glad it's not all IN MY HOUSE. I'm so glad I'm not married to him. But gosh, I'm sad about the life I thought I'd have with him if he'd been able to stop drinking; I'm sad that he's 70 and only dealing with this for the first time, and most of all I'm just ANGRY.
Probably normal. And I'm using my One Day at a Time to process and detach. But wow, the emotions this brings up in me still surprise me.
((Norasq)) you are not alone Feeling angry at this dreadful disease is what drove me to alanon and has kept me here for all these years. The damage caused by alcohlism is indeed immeasurable however alanon provided me with the tools and principles that allowed me to feel my feelings, share them and then release them so I could live a sane, happy life .
I am glad you shared your concerns that is important now you can move on to prayers for guidance so that he pain will lift and you will be free. Remember we are powerless over others and that acceptance is the key to recovery
Over time, my anger was replaced with sadness as I grieved for what I thought I wanted/needed from a partner in my life. The sadness still comes at times, and I see it today as a reminder of the power of this disease and my powerless to change anything but me. I hope you keep coming back and am sending you positive thoughts and prayers.
I think there is that residual feeling (for me) of why didn't it happen earlier and why couldn't or wouldn't he get sober for me. The reality is the insanity of the disease and my thought process that I have some kind of power in the situation. The other thing I have to look at in my situation is regardless if my x is drinking or not the reality is that he continues to do what he does which is blame everyone else for his issues.
I am glad you are here and working through your anger. The program is a huge gift. Keep coming back.
Hugs S :)
I am sorry your life is so taken up with dealing with this. I have certainly had my life swallowed up by.alcohol8sm. One of my.neighbors who is alcoholic decided to.flooed our apartment building over Thanksgiving. I certainly had a very very big reaction to that development. Luckily.for me I was not as dramatically affected by that development.as my neighbors were.
One tool I had to learn in.al anon was detachment. Detaching from the situation helped me to really work on what was mine and what was theirs.
The other issue I had to look at is expectations. My family of origin was very chaotic and dysfunctional. As a result I developed a kind of malignant hope. Of course I had to have hope as a child but the kind of hope and expectations I had as a child were bound by the fact I was helpless As an adult I.certainly have room for more measured expectations.
My own experience of people going to rehab was pretty.volatile. I felt cety.angry, pretty set up and rather resentful. Whatever you are feeling is pretty valid.
Validating your feelings is important. 9f course you have every reason to ve resentful of a father who.doesnt do his part.
Embracing al.anon has been a long haul.for me. Every.day Inam grateful for what this program has given me. I have a measured view of alcoholism today. Bi certainly celebrate sobriety in others but I dont expect it.
I.am glad yoi.are here and able to reach out and get support.
Maresie
Even though I know intellectually that getting sober now is on my Ex's HP's timeline, and it is better for him (I don't hate him now) and our now adult son, but I do frequently get these intense feelings regarding "Why now?" "Why not when I was giving you every darn piece of my soul as a partner?"
That is one of the many reasons I am still in Al-Anon, and feel that it helps me each day to deal with my issues. It has become a healthy touchstone for me.
I guess I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your intense feelings.
Wishing Peace & Light to envelope you!
Thank you all for your support and comments. I do know how much Alanon principles are helping me. I guess I'm learning that detachment isn't something that one does and then is finished with! (hahah) For the most part I'm doing a lot better at feeling detached -- at least when it comes to my own relationship with the ex-A, I'm finding that it keeps sneaking up on me when things affect my daughter. I suppose that means that I still have a lot more learning and detaching to do so whatever happens doesn't throw me off of even-keel.
Some of you mentioned feeling "why didn't he do this for me? What if he'd done this years ago?" I've had those fleeting thoughts with a bit of sadness, but mostly at this point, I feel relief. If he HAD been willing to talk about his drinking, I would have stayed and kept trying to work on our marriage. And really, I've come to appreciate that his using alcohol and drugs to medicate his anxiety and depression is going to be something he struggles with for the rest of his life, whether or not he is actively using. I think, before I started with Alanon, I thought that if he'd just stop drinking, things would be okay and we could get our marriage back to a solid footing. Now I think that it is far more complex than that, and that so many of the issues would remain whether or not he continued to drink.
So, weirdly, I've come to think of his refusing to get help back when we separated as a GOOD thing for me, because it forced me to take action and allowed me to get some distance which I sorely needed.
I have a good friend who has been an Alanon "regular" for years, having a lot of family member addicts. I was talking to her recently, saying something like "it's hard to know what to do" and she stopped me, and said, "no, it's easy. The drinking and drugs are HIS problem. Your role is easy. You take care of you and your daughter. His problems are HIS problems."
That was such a clear application of detachment that I've found it helpful. When I start to get upset or start mulling this stuff over, I hear her voice saying, "no, it's easy." And it reminds me that my life and what's in front of me in my lane IS easy. His stuff is not my stuff.
Anyway, I guess I wanted to share my experience and surprise at how the emotions keep popping up. Alanon meetings, readings, and you all really help to keep things in perspective. Thank you.
I believe what has been hard for me to know what to do with is the obsession. I believe my own life was so lonely and deprived that I sought relief from someone else. The issue is too that the now ex alcoholic could come through sometimes.
I know for ne the other issue was that the now ex A's life seemed far more interesting than mine. Alcoholics seem to attract a lot of attention . Some of then can be gregarious I have been very shy
Getting busy is difficult to do when you have responsibility. One of the traits of many alcoholics us to be irresponsible I have a sister who is an alcoholic and sometimes her denial can even seen attractive. She has a great way of painting a vision of life that has never happened
Detachment for me was definitely an uphill task I felt overly responsible for the alcoholic I felt my abandonment issues repeatedly around them
I have had to work hard on self care issues Some people refer to the massive task of detaching from.an alcoholic as radical self care.
I wouldn't a totally say taking care of ourselves is an easy task. I am an e pert at taking care of others and a total novice at taking care of myself
Maresie
Gracious Lord Ladies of MIP!! This is a teaching post in it's entirety and it has captured my willingness to understand and practice. It has also repeated the empathy of how I was attended to when I first found the program and decided to keep coming back one day at a time. What is shared here if practiced daily will help to insure serenity and sanity. Mahalo HP for allowing me to do this this morning rather than anything else first. (((((MIP)))))
Bobo welcome to the family. I hear your hope in this post and feel supportive for you. I once was at that point where trusting the program was taking a gamble on what it was trying to teach me while I sat in the rooms of Al-Anon and watched members with much more horrible pasts get sane and serene and then able to offer me help. I have witnessed thousands of miracles in recover which caused me to wonder and then hope I could gain some also...and then I did when I stopped questioning the program and surrendered myself to it. I do get miracles for myself and think at times I've had more than my share and some miracles beyond explanation. Still I promised them and the promises became fulfilled. Let go of your way of doing it and practice the programs way with courage, commitment and continuing to come back daily. (((((hugs)))))
Do not live life in the rear-view mirror. What happened during the marriage, what he did, said, what you did, how you reacted, and so on -- is over. It's over. History. Learn from it, don't go back and re-live it, and do not let it define you. It's over.
The emotions today, are just that. They are not your life or you living. His decision, yes, you are right, it's a good one. For him, and for your daughter. Period. Be grateful this possibility now exists. High hopes and low expectations. It is up to him. Not you!
Anger? OK. That's about YOU. Why? Check your motives. Look at yourself, openly and honestly. You being angry, furious -- because he denied he had a problem, because he lied to you -- THAT IS ABOUT YOU!!! YOU! That is your problem. So, address it. Talk to your sponsor. Go meet with him/her. You will either do it -- tackle this, and do the work -- or not and just talk about it, analyze, ponder, hypothesize, etc. Up to you. Being angry and furious is a sign -- read it! You are aware of it. If you want, do something about it!
On the other hand, being angry and furious that you had to handle dealing with all of your daughter's issues then, and even now -- that's the price of being a parent. Yes, he's MIA again, but he's MIA because he is going to rehab!!! Great for him!!! Yes, you have every reason to be sad, disappointed, even angry -- about the canceled visits with your daughter. That was and is on him. It is because of his alcoholism. It is your job to be there for your daughter and help her with the hurt and disappointment. I would punt and wait as far as visiting him in rehab. See how his rehab plays out. He could walk out in 1 or 5 days, or he could finish it. Yes, you have to pick up some of the pieces -- that's what happens when you are married, divorced from, co-parenting, with an alcoholic!
Be there for her. And for YOU. Be good to yourself. Talk to your sponsor and do the work! You can and will get better and get healthy, and you can let go of the anger, being furious, etc.
Well of course--part of you, as my dear friend says, wants to "punch his lights out." But you are too much a lady and have more Alanon in you than that.
But perfectly understandable.
I find that a fine anger can be very clarifying.
And goody on you! You see the upside--this isn't happening in your house! My husband just quit when I intimated that I'd be going it alone if he continued to drink. But from what I read, for those who go to rehab, it is seldom a one-time thing. And they tend to learn a lot of recovery-babble that just helps them to fool themselves and others more efficiently.
And Thank God for the round that finally ends the drinking. I just wouldn't have the strength to go through it. Dry drunks are about as much as I can bear.
I got on here to say something.
I have a friend whose husband is a real--well, let's not get into anatomical descriptions. Just for a sample--she's had cancer and he gripes about her "costing him all this money running to the Dr." Nevermind that she has a very good cancer policy on top of their coverage from his former company. A real winner. And he isn't even drinking.
Friend has a life insurance policy on him.. And she assiduously keeps up the payments. He doesn't even know about it. Term is pretty inexpensive.
Your daughter sounds like a credit to her upbringing. What a blessing! You've done a fine job--single-handedly and with a 30 handicap. Celebrate yourself.
All feelings are valid, and to be welcomed. They come to pass. The negative ones don't come to stay and the less you resist them, the quicker they will leave, has been my experience.
I have a little black teddy bear. I was sleeping with him at the hospital and one day I really looked at his little face, and I thought--this is one disgruntled bear. So now he sits on my dresser and collects grievances, so I don't have to.
I hope you post often. I always learn a lot from you.
Hugs,
Temple
Sorry about the cornpone signature line--some day I'll have the energy to replace it with something less cheeky, maybe. And less foody.
Bo and Temple thank you for your recent comments.
Bo, you reminded me of what a good message anger is. And you've reminded me about the looking backwards vs forwards thing, a really good reminder. Thank you for that. I think there were so many things I *didn't* get angry about when we were married, and so in some ways the anger now is a sign that I recognize how out-of-whack things were. But that is past... I will continue to work on this, but maybe for now I will try telling myself that my anger is a reflection of what I know now how much I have learned, and I don't have to be angry about that past stuff any more. An art-journaling course I took once taught me the mantra "I know it because I LEARNED it." And because i've learned it, I can let go of the anger.
I guess stuff that happens now triggers that old stuff, and my anger is a signal that I am not going to take that any more. I will keep working on this, but thank you for your insight.
And Temple, I love the idea about your grumbly-faced bear. Having some place to put that negative stuff to let it go is useful. My daughter's therapist has her write stuff on paper and then they burn it. Maybe I should try that!
By the way, I wanted to say that I did take my daughter to visit her dad at rehab this past weekend. They had a one-hour visit, she seemed fine and relieved to see her dad looking "normal" and okay, so I think that was useful for her. Me, I just waved from the car as I dropped her off. My daughter and I went out for a nice lunch afterwards and that was an enjoyable time together. But on the way home, driving on a windy road through a steep hilly area in the pouring rain, I came around a corner to find that the rain had washed a bunch of rocks onto the road -- my tire hit one and I got a flat tire. So, we sat in the car in the rain, waited for the tow truck, and got home after having the car towed to a local tire shop.
The experience made me think that it might not be a bad analogy -- at another time in my life, I might have gotten upset, worried about what to do, felt helpless on the side of the road. Now, I called AAA, felt good about making sure I always have auto club protection, and knew we'd be fine despite that literal rock in the road. Sort of like getting past the divorce and alcoholic -- the bump in my life path, but Alanon is my "AAA" and I can keep on going!