if you can't stand criticism, you learn to be a perfectionist
mamalioness said
Jan 2, 2019
When you can't stand criticism you learn to be a perfectionist. --Anonymous
I was reading touchstones and saw this and had to share it...Author says its human to make mistakes and to feel incomplete..we are never going to be perfect
Author talks about how we are all actually a process..We are not things, but events..happenings..and the events are still unfolding..These are our Creative spiritual adventures..Somehow we learned that openness to criticism is dangerous..Perhaps wer thought someone would not like us if we were ever wrong..Or we would get hurt or belittled..
When we have a strong spiritual foundation, we can stand up for ourselves..and know that we have a RIGHT to make mistakes in the process of our growth as people..We grow more if we allow ourselves the leeway of simply being in process
PRAYER for today:
I will not ask to have the power of perfection. I will only ask that I not be alone in the process of living my life.
************************************
Growing up in the abyss, I heard nothing BUT criticism...put downs....I was "less then" "not good enough" "didn't measure up to my NOT being abused cousins who had their needs met where I was not" Oh yea, at first my response was to just "quit trying" just "float thru life, not making any more effort---why?? it never was good enough so why bother???" that was my feelings..
THEN my pendulum swung radically the other way...I had to be perfect...right all the time...I even defended/rationalized my behavior when caught in a mistake....mistakes were a death knell to me in my psyche.....
Now I can accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticism that is out of a kind heart..the cruel kind?? I either stand up for myself or I remove me from the person all together..BUT, even so, even out of a cruel heart, there may be a kernel of truth that I might be able to learn from...I guess that is why I think about everything that is said to me..Examine it..observe it..if it is BS?? dismiss!!! if it has some truth?? Learn..So even cruel, undesirable people can teach me something
recovery showed me that I am not a mistake...I MADE mistakes, but I am NOT a mistake....yea, I hate goofing /messing up, but I can accept it...fix it..learn from it...move on.....I do my best...I always put out 100% of my effort...most of the time I am spot on , sometimes i am totally wrong....its OK now...I'll never be perfect, but I CAN be good.......GOOD and even excellent is enough for me
lookingup said
Jan 2, 2019
Thank you mamalioness for sharing this ,
I always fell short of the perfect being that I thought I was suppose to be,today with lots of recovery I've learned better.
I have to admit in my 20s married n raising my 2 kids ,I did make lots of mistakes n I can accept them today,
One in particular mistake I believe or I'm coming to believe is I thought I had to join a religion to find myself ,
Organized religion to,throwing myself into it along with my kids ,there were lots of rules n regs then I did somewhat live up to,
But today I'm learned I'm not that perfect person,I make mistakes do things maybe I shouldn't do,but in no way do I believe I'll be punished for them by my hp.
I know he lives me unconditionally,
While visiting my kids out in Vegas my now grown life of her own daughter mentioned to me that she always thought I didn't do this or that ,in keeping my old beliefs,so I'm human today ,thete always be room for improvement in my life,I do feel like I don't belong or measure up ,it's not ppl I have to answer to,only my hp ,thank goodness I've finally realized this,,,my kids already knew this ,both have come away from religion.i know they have their own hp to.this is also good to know that we all have a hp of our own understanding,what a relief that's been...........thank you rose ,this all just popped out at me ...your topic.......LU
Jozie said
Jan 2, 2019
(((Rosie)))
Thank you for your Share, I Love how you Break things down and Sort them Out, I too was Brought to Believe that regardless of my Effort, it was Never Enough for Who ever and What Ever, and I Remember in High School sitting down with a Teacher that knew I was Struggling, and she said "Jozie Why have you Given Up!" and I Without missing a Beat replied, "Because what's the Point, Every time I Try I Face Failure, and Besides, Why Try when I'll Never Be able to Afford a Better Education, because that was Made Very Clear by My Mother!" My Teacher Cried with me that Day, and Told Me "Regardless of Where you think you are... You Already ahead of the Game because you have to be SO Much for So Many at such a young age, and Even if Higher Education isn't the Road you Choose, You Still have the Heart to Have an Amazing Life of Purpose!"
That was Probable the First time in my Life, Someone Reached out to give me Hope! I Took Many Stumbles Backwards after that chat, because I Couldn't believe a Word she said, because I was So Sick in my FOO Family, but Looking Back... Remembering... Truly has brought Much Light to my life...
And 20yrs ago, I Sent myself back to School and Got a Degree in Bookkeeping, and I have been Sitting in this Same Chair now for over 23yrs... And My Life is Far From Perfect, "Thank Goodness" but she was So Right that My Life Now has Purpose, Goals and Dreams...
I Love Today's Prayer: I will not ask to have the power of perfection. I will only ask that I not be alone in the process of living my life.
Because Having HP on my Side, Who Now I Realize has Always been there... Has been one of the Biggest Blessings Yet :)
So Thank you For Sharing this Journey with Me... When One Grows, We All Grow... So Thank you for Sharing your Growth So Giving-ly and Know I'm just as Grateful your Recovery as I am Mine :)
Jozie
mamalioness said
Jan 2, 2019
((((((((((((((((((Jozie)))))))))))))))))))) That was a beeeeutiful share....You do have sooo much to bless this world...Your gentle wisdom...fighting spirit.....It comes as NO surprise to me that you found a way to get a good training in a good field....I got my cert. as public bookkeeper in the most unorthodox way you can imagine...I home schooled me in Bkkpg...got books..got on line...got on a training website that charged me $45 for its tools.....WHEN i felt I was ready, I chated up an accountant friend of mine who loved my work (I was onsite bookkeeper for one of his clients) and HE suggested to me "rosie..U R one hell of a Bkkpr..almost a degreed accountant...how about I call a few recruiters and a CPA office, in Dallas and you take a cert. pub. bkkpr exam" I said "ok" and I went in to two recruitment firms...Robert Half and Q&A recruiters (now bought out by xxxx I can't remember) and I went to this reeeely high end CPA firm and tested........got high 90's on test...so they certified me as a pub. bookkeeper.........didn't know you could do that here in Dallas, but I did it....got pages and pages of their computer printouts showing that I was "certified" as full charge bookkeeper at highest level...........BOY did that feel good....with GAD and PTSD, i figured whats the point?? I can't sit in class all day AND couldn't afford it...so I gave up too, until this accountant took me aside and fixed me up with these testing facilities....the CPA office offered me a job, LOL...I thanked them but had had enough of working for CPA's and wanted to be in pvt industry
Now I freelance as pub. bookkeeper and I can do everything...even franchise and payroll and Income taxes for small proprieters, LLCs, Sub chapter S corps and C corps, partnerships (hate doing them, but can do them) so yea, I do insurance audits, etc... thanks to the CPA who believed in me......
mamalioness said
Jan 3, 2019
((((Lookingup))))) I meant to reply to you before this, but i get distracted this time of year, LOL...the organized religion, thingy and throwing myself into it...Oh yea, did the same thing and I was miserable with all the rules, regulations as you said AND the hyprocracy and BS back biting, the "putting on airs" etc., I dont' support organized religion anymore...havn't for a loong time...too much of man...not my HP of my understanding, but like you, I had to learn "where my place is" MY HP is within me...that voice within....I am a child of the universe, hence part of that universe resides within me..24/7 and I heard a saying, On this board, I think! "don't fight with someone ELSES understanding of the Higher power"
it reminded me of my first sponsor...he told me..."if you don't like your g-d??? FIRE him/her/it and find one you CAN relate to and love" I laughed at him, but he was RIGHT!!! looking back, he was absolutley spot on.....
funny how you can learn something great from someone who was half joking, but more serious, i think..he had a funny way of getting me to see things.....
thanks for your great share........BIG HUGS
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 4, 2019
Thank you, Rose for such a timely post on this matter! I think I may have this thread on "speed dial!" LOL!
I am especially appreciative of Lu's and Jozie's honest shares. Sometimes I am amazed at what I find shared on here... how much I relate... and how much it can help me!! Forever grateful!
I was raised by a Catholic mother and an Agnostic father. It was important to my mom that Catholicism was in our lives. So, that meant church every Sunday... without my dad... participating in all the Sacraments - baptism, holy communion, confirmation (which involved years of Catechism - Catholic school after a full day of school) etc. But I was someone who always wanted to know "why." Even if I didn't voice my questions, I had them! By the time I was in high school and had taken several classes related to religion and history, I had become completely disenchanted with the whole hypocrisy of any organized religion... but I continued to Confirmation to please my mother.
Lately, I have been looking into where my feelings of having to be perfect, and people pleasing have come from. I mean, my father drank, but was not an "alcoholic." Both my parents loved me, and provided the best they possibly could for me... I don't remember having any life-changing trauma...they always supported me & my ideas...so I should have zero issues... yet, here they are. The questioning part of me just can't let this go. The joke of having guilt just b/c you are raised Catholic has some truth to it...I never felt accepted by that God...I just couldn't live up to that idea of a Higher Power, no matter how hard I tried. So I am now beginning to think that is where my initial feelings of inadequacy was "born"
Today, I can turn to a Higher Power of MY understanding for support. This has become super important to me... I think one of the reasons I was so resistant to Al-Anon (in the early years), despite knowing all the benefits, was my relating it to God... at least the God I was raised with. I really liked what you said, Rose - "Don't fight with someone else's understanding of their Higher Power."
And this is Al-Anon gold: "if you don't like your g-d??? FIRE him/her/it and find one you CAN relate to and love" I laughed at him, but he was RIGHT!!! looking back, he was absolutley spot on.....
I am feeling especially appreciative of you all on MIP today!
When you can't stand criticism you learn to be a perfectionist. --Anonymous
I was reading touchstones and saw this and had to share it...Author says its human to make mistakes and to feel incomplete..we are never going to be perfect
Author talks about how we are all actually a process..We are not things, but events..happenings..and the events are still unfolding..These are our Creative spiritual adventures..Somehow we learned that openness to criticism is dangerous..Perhaps wer thought someone would not like us if we were ever wrong..Or we would get hurt or belittled..
When we have a strong spiritual foundation, we can stand up for ourselves..and know that we have a RIGHT to make mistakes in the process of our growth as people..We grow more if we allow ourselves the leeway of simply being in process
PRAYER for today:
I will not ask to have the power of perfection. I will only ask that I not be alone in the process of living my life.
************************************
Growing up in the abyss, I heard nothing BUT criticism...put downs....I was "less then" "not good enough" "didn't measure up to my NOT being abused cousins who had their needs met where I was not" Oh yea, at first my response was to just "quit trying" just "float thru life, not making any more effort---why?? it never was good enough so why bother???" that was my feelings..
THEN my pendulum swung radically the other way...I had to be perfect...right all the time...I even defended/rationalized my behavior when caught in a mistake....mistakes were a death knell to me in my psyche.....
Now I can accept CONSTRUCTIVE criticism that is out of a kind heart..the cruel kind?? I either stand up for myself or I remove me from the person all together..BUT, even so, even out of a cruel heart, there may be a kernel of truth that I might be able to learn from...I guess that is why I think about everything that is said to me..Examine it..observe it..if it is BS?? dismiss!!! if it has some truth?? Learn..So even cruel, undesirable people can teach me something
recovery showed me that I am not a mistake...I MADE mistakes, but I am NOT a mistake....yea, I hate goofing /messing up, but I can accept it...fix it..learn from it...move on.....I do my best...I always put out 100% of my effort...most of the time I am spot on , sometimes i am totally wrong....its OK now...I'll never be perfect, but I CAN be good.......GOOD and even excellent is enough for me
I always fell short of the perfect being that I thought I was suppose to be,today with lots of recovery I've learned better.
I have to admit in my 20s married n raising my 2 kids ,I did make lots of mistakes n I can accept them today,
One in particular mistake I believe or I'm coming to believe is I thought I had to join a religion to find myself ,
Organized religion to,throwing myself into it along with my kids ,there were lots of rules n regs then I did somewhat live up to,
But today I'm learned I'm not that perfect person,I make mistakes do things maybe I shouldn't do,but in no way do I believe I'll be punished for them by my hp.
I know he lives me unconditionally,
While visiting my kids out in Vegas my now grown life of her own daughter mentioned to me that she always thought I didn't do this or that ,in keeping my old beliefs,so I'm human today ,thete always be room for improvement in my life,I do feel like I don't belong or measure up ,it's not ppl I have to answer to,only my hp ,thank goodness I've finally realized this,,,my kids already knew this ,both have come away from religion.i know they have their own hp to.this is also good to know that we all have a hp of our own understanding,what a relief that's been...........thank you rose ,this all just popped out at me ...your topic.......LU
Thank you for your Share, I Love how you Break things down and Sort them Out, I too was Brought to Believe that regardless of my Effort, it was Never Enough for Who ever and What Ever, and I Remember in High School sitting down with a Teacher that knew I was Struggling, and she said "Jozie Why have you Given Up!" and I Without missing a Beat replied, "Because what's the Point, Every time I Try I Face Failure, and Besides, Why Try when I'll Never Be able to Afford a Better Education, because that was Made Very Clear by My Mother!" My Teacher Cried with me that Day, and Told Me "Regardless of Where you think you are... You Already ahead of the Game because you have to be SO Much for So Many at such a young age, and Even if Higher Education isn't the Road you Choose, You Still have the Heart to Have an Amazing Life of Purpose!"
That was Probable the First time in my Life, Someone Reached out to give me Hope! I Took Many Stumbles Backwards after that chat, because I Couldn't believe a Word she said, because I was So Sick in my FOO Family, but Looking Back... Remembering... Truly has brought Much Light to my life...
And 20yrs ago, I Sent myself back to School and Got a Degree in Bookkeeping, and I have been Sitting in this Same Chair now for over 23yrs... And My Life is Far From Perfect, "Thank Goodness" but she was So Right that My Life Now has Purpose, Goals and Dreams...
I Love Today's Prayer: I will not ask to have the power of perfection. I will only ask that I not be alone in the process of living my life.
Because Having HP on my Side, Who Now I Realize has Always been there... Has been one of the Biggest Blessings Yet :)
So Thank you For Sharing this Journey with Me... When One Grows, We All Grow... So Thank you for Sharing your Growth So Giving-ly and Know I'm just as Grateful your Recovery as I am Mine :)
Jozie
Now I freelance as pub. bookkeeper and I can do everything...even franchise and payroll and Income taxes for small proprieters, LLCs, Sub chapter S corps and C corps, partnerships (hate doing them, but can do them) so yea, I do insurance audits, etc... thanks to the CPA who believed in me......
it reminded me of my first sponsor...he told me..."if you don't like your g-d??? FIRE him/her/it and find one you CAN relate to and love" I laughed at him, but he was RIGHT!!! looking back, he was absolutley spot on.....
funny how you can learn something great from someone who was half joking, but more serious, i think..he had a funny way of getting me to see things.....
thanks for your great share........BIG HUGS
Thank you, Rose for such a timely post on this matter!
I think I may have this thread on "speed dial!" LOL!
I am especially appreciative of Lu's and Jozie's honest shares. Sometimes I am amazed at what I find shared on here... how much I relate... and how much it can help me!! Forever grateful!
I was raised by a Catholic mother and an Agnostic father. It was important to my mom that Catholicism was in our lives. So, that meant church every Sunday... without my dad... participating in all the Sacraments - baptism, holy communion, confirmation (which involved years of Catechism - Catholic school after a full day of school) etc. But I was someone who always wanted to know "why." Even if I didn't voice my questions, I had them! By the time I was in high school and had taken several classes related to religion and history, I had become completely disenchanted with the whole hypocrisy of any organized religion... but I continued to Confirmation to please my mother.
Lately, I have been looking into where my feelings of having to be perfect, and people pleasing have come from. I mean, my father drank, but was not an "alcoholic." Both my parents loved me, and provided the best they possibly could for me... I don't remember having any life-changing trauma...they always supported me & my ideas...so I should have zero issues... yet, here they are. The questioning part of me just can't let this go. The joke of having guilt just b/c you are raised Catholic has some truth to it...I never felt accepted by that God...I just couldn't live up to that idea of a Higher Power, no matter how hard I tried. So I am now beginning to think that is where my initial feelings of inadequacy was "born"
Today, I can turn to a Higher Power of MY understanding for support. This has become super important to me... I think one of the reasons I was so resistant to Al-Anon (in the early years), despite knowing all the benefits, was my relating it to God... at least the God I was raised with.
I really liked what you said, Rose - "Don't fight with someone else's understanding of their Higher Power."
And this is Al-Anon gold: "if you don't like your g-d??? FIRE him/her/it and find one you CAN relate to and love" I laughed at him, but he was RIGHT!!! looking back, he was absolutley spot on.....
I am feeling especially appreciative of you all on MIP today!
Peace y'all!