Tonight is AHs birthday. We all went out for breakfast this morning and had cake and ice cream this evening, but beyond that we had no plans - just a quiet night at home. Hes in his man cave drinking of course (its escalated in the past few months and its now become an almost nightly thing), our kids are busy doing their own thing, as teenagers do, and since hes drinking, I was going to hang out in our room by myself watching tv. But his sister just called. She and his younger brother are going to be stopping by for a while. We dont see them often and while Ive made it a goal to distance myself from him when hes drinking, Im not sure how to do that while theyre here and not come off as completely rude. Once hes had more than 5 or 6 beers I have a hard time being around him. Hes had probably 10 or 11 now. So how do I do what is best for me without it causing a huge blowout? Because if I excuse myself and dont socialize, it will.
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 31, 2018
Twinkies - I see that I am reading this after-the-fact. I hope that you were able to manage this situation.
In the not so distant past, I had many of these types of things happen. Usually, my "go-to" was to suck it up and be the good host... trying to make my home feel "normal." I guess I was pretty successful, b/c not one of his family came to me and asked "What was up?" or "Is (my AH) alright?"
I had developed a very good facade... I always wore a mask. Looking back, I probably wore this mask for at least 10 years!
The year of 2016, I just couldn't put up the facade day after day anymore. So I began to read this forum, and learned some "coping techniques" from others sharing their stories. During that year, if there was going to be "uninvited" family coming over, I just said, "Sure, come on over... I will be at X,Y, Z (all fabricated), so I am sorry I will miss you, but I am sure AH would love to see you!" The reality was he never wanted to see them b/c he was always drinking. Either they would see him drunk/passed out, or they kept him from his bottle. Employing this tactic did nothing to help the drinking or the marriage BTW. What it DID do is prevented him from goading me into being the buffer between he and his family. It also gave me great peace b/c just like you, I could not stand being around my spouse once he started drinking! So my son and I would "duck-out" a lot (b/c our house was not big enough for separate rooms, or man-caves).
Hugs of support, Twinkies!!
Bo said
Dec 31, 2018
Twinkies wrote:
Tonight is AHs birthday. We all went out for breakfast this morning and had cake and ice cream this evening, but beyond that we had no plans - just a quiet night at home. Hes in his man cave drinking of course (its escalated in the past few months and its now become an almost nightly thing), our kids are busy doing their own thing, as teenagers do, and since hes drinking, I was going to hang out in our room by myself watching tv. But his sister just called. She and his younger brother are going to be stopping by for a while. We dont see them often and while Ive made it a goal to distance myself from him when hes drinking, Im not sure how to do that while theyre here and not come off as completely rude. Once hes had more than 5 or 6 beers I have a hard time being around him. Hes had probably 10 or 11 now. So how do I do what is best for me without it causing a huge blowout? Because if I excuse myself and dont socialize, it will.
Well, when I've been in that same situation -- and I have been many times -- I keep it simple. I have my boundary, and I DO NOT violate it. Period. When my brother in law arrived at my house to see his sister (my wife) and hang out for her birthday, I answered the door, said hello, exchanged pleasantries, chatted, walked him into the den where his sister/my wife was sitting (and drinking and was already lit up pretty good if you know what I mean), and I said here she is, turned to my wife and said look who's here, etc. -- and then I said (to him), I'll be in the living room or outside on the deck if you want to chat, hang out, etc.
He said, wait, why don't you hang out here, stay, etc. -- I said, no, no thank you, you two sit and enjoy, I'll be wherever.
I would never let him know that I refused to be around my wife when she was drinking...but I didn't stay. And, my wife knew it. Drunk she didn't realize, but sober, she knew. It's not rude if you are personable, friendly, etc., and you just refuse to be in the same room with a drunk person.
Will your AH make an issue of this? With company present or after they leave?
tiredtonite said
Dec 31, 2018
If I really enjoy the company, I don't separate myself because of another person's inappropriate behavior. Their behavior is there's to own. With that said, if I know I am harboring resentment and will react, it's best I distance myself. Even after years in the program, I still find it really difficult to stick around when the drinking escalates so I don't. I like what Bo posted. I typically excuse myself too, go home, go outside etc. I have a right to personal boundaries that help me maintain my sanity and serenity. Hope it went ok for you ((twinkies)) TT
Maresie said
Jan 1, 2019
I was thinking recently how difficult it was for me to deal with the former A's family. His mother had very rigid expectations of what was expected especially over the holidays. When the now ex A was having a real big relapse years ago I reached out to her for help Her response was to attack me and ask why I didn't respond to her efforts to join #her family#
For a long time I felt like I could have done so much better than I did which was to withdraw Basically I totally withdrew from family interactions. I won't go into specific details because really they are irrelevant
Today I feel like that was the best I could so. So whatever you do in this totally impossible situation it is the best you can do
Withdrawing was the best I could so I couldn't manage anything else Today I have new challenges Everyday I have challenges dealing with certain impossible people (some of whom have substance abuse problems) and I can say every day I do the best I can. That is all I can ask of myself
Maresie
Twinkies said
Jan 2, 2019
Thank you all for your thoughts. It ended up not being an issue as something came up and they werent able to come anyway. But the knowledge you shared will certainly come in handy in the future. My natural inclination is always to grit my teeth, put on the happy face, and endure the pain of ignoring my own needs for the sake of others. But you have helped me to see that there are ways to be warm and inviting while still protecting my own feelings and emotions. It will take practice Im sure as it will likely be uncomfortable at first to do things differently. But Im beginning to understand that temporary discomfort is worth the growth and is much better than the stress of continuing to ignoring my own needs.
PosiesandPuppies said
Jan 2, 2019
((((Twinkies))))
I am glad it didn't become an issue for you.
I feel like I am a sister from another mother, as my "go-to" response has always been like yours... "My natural inclination is always to grit my teeth, put on the happy face, and endure the pain of ignoring my own needs for the sake of others."
I can look back now and see how this type of behavior kept me from true happiness... in my life and my marriage. I am now learning a new way for myself!
Keep coming back!
Wishing you Peace today!
SerenityRUS said
Jan 2, 2019
Twinkies, so glad you found some perspective.
This reminds me of so many times I worried and fretted over the what if's instead of remembering I have choices too. AND especially with an active A how many times there is NO FOLLOW THROUGH this goes over the family as well. As much as you might think that they don't know how bad things are .. after all we are the secret keepers and no one knows except us (I laugh at this thought) the reality is they know .. and they know way more than you think .. they also don't realize how bad it is until the secret keeper is removed from the situation.
There are always choices and consequences .. the thing about alanon .. alanon taught me to pick the consequence vs allowing the consequence to be dictated to me. I am only responsible for ME.
Hugs S :)
Temple said
Jan 2, 2019
Bless your heart.
If they had come, I hope I'd have said something like "Someone dear to me is having a crisis (that would have been me) and I must go to her. So sorry to leave when I haven't gotten to see as much of you lately as I'd like. (Omit if this is a blatant lie).
Then I hope I'd have taken me to a movie, or a girlfriend's or to a hotel for a few hours if money were not a problem. If it were, I hope there would be an open all night, safe place, like a grocery store with a snack area, not a bus station, a hospital lobby!
Then I would come in when I felt pretty sure he was passed out and get in my little bed and sleep.
I hope I would do that. Because to me, that would look and feel like taking care of me.
In the not so distant past, I had many of these types of things happen. Usually, my "go-to" was to suck it up and be the good host... trying to make my home feel "normal." I guess I was pretty successful, b/c not one of his family came to me and asked "What was up?" or "Is (my AH) alright?"
I had developed a very good facade... I always wore a mask. Looking back, I probably wore this mask for at least 10 years!
The year of 2016, I just couldn't put up the facade day after day anymore. So I began to read this forum, and learned some "coping techniques" from others sharing their stories. During that year, if there was going to be "uninvited" family coming over, I just said, "Sure, come on over... I will be at X,Y, Z (all fabricated), so I am sorry I will miss you, but I am sure AH would love to see you!" The reality was he never wanted to see them b/c he was always drinking. Either they would see him drunk/passed out, or they kept him from his bottle. Employing this tactic did nothing to help the drinking or the marriage BTW. What it DID do is prevented him from goading me into being the buffer between he and his family. It also gave me great peace b/c just like you, I could not stand being around my spouse once he started drinking! So my son and I would "duck-out" a lot (b/c our house was not big enough for separate rooms, or man-caves).
Hugs of support, Twinkies!!
Well, when I've been in that same situation -- and I have been many times -- I keep it simple. I have my boundary, and I DO NOT violate it. Period. When my brother in law arrived at my house to see his sister (my wife) and hang out for her birthday, I answered the door, said hello, exchanged pleasantries, chatted, walked him into the den where his sister/my wife was sitting (and drinking and was already lit up pretty good if you know what I mean), and I said here she is, turned to my wife and said look who's here, etc. -- and then I said (to him), I'll be in the living room or outside on the deck if you want to chat, hang out, etc.
He said, wait, why don't you hang out here, stay, etc. -- I said, no, no thank you, you two sit and enjoy, I'll be wherever.
I would never let him know that I refused to be around my wife when she was drinking...but I didn't stay. And, my wife knew it. Drunk she didn't realize, but sober, she knew. It's not rude if you are personable, friendly, etc., and you just refuse to be in the same room with a drunk person.
Will your AH make an issue of this? With company present or after they leave?
If I really enjoy the company, I don't separate myself because of another person's inappropriate behavior. Their behavior is there's to own. With that said, if I know I am harboring resentment and will react, it's best I distance myself. Even after years in the program, I still find it really difficult to stick around when the drinking escalates so I don't. I like what Bo posted. I typically excuse myself too, go home, go outside etc. I have a right to personal boundaries that help me maintain my sanity and serenity. Hope it went ok for you ((twinkies)) TT
I was thinking recently how difficult it was for me to deal with the former A's family. His mother had very rigid expectations of what was expected especially over the holidays. When the now ex A was having a real big relapse years ago I reached out to her for help Her response was to attack me and ask why I didn't respond to her efforts to join #her family#
For a long time I felt like I could have done so much better than I did which was to withdraw Basically I totally withdrew from family interactions. I won't go into specific details because really they are irrelevant
Today I feel like that was the best I could so. So whatever you do in this totally impossible situation it is the best you can do
Withdrawing was the best I could so I couldn't manage anything else Today I have new challenges Everyday I have challenges dealing with certain impossible people (some of whom have substance abuse problems) and I can say every day I do the best I can. That is all I can ask of myself
Maresie
I am glad it didn't become an issue for you.
I feel like I am a sister from another mother, as my "go-to" response has always been like yours... "My natural inclination is always to grit my teeth, put on the happy face, and endure the pain of ignoring my own needs for the sake of others."
I can look back now and see how this type of behavior kept me from true happiness... in my life and my marriage. I am now learning a new way for myself!
Keep coming back!
Wishing you Peace today!
This reminds me of so many times I worried and fretted over the what if's instead of remembering I have choices too. AND especially with an active A how many times there is NO FOLLOW THROUGH this goes over the family as well. As much as you might think that they don't know how bad things are .. after all we are the secret keepers and no one knows except us (I laugh at this thought) the reality is they know .. and they know way more than you think .. they also don't realize how bad it is until the secret keeper is removed from the situation.
There are always choices and consequences .. the thing about alanon .. alanon taught me to pick the consequence vs allowing the consequence to be dictated to me. I am only responsible for ME.
Hugs S :)
If they had come, I hope I'd have said something like "Someone dear to me is having a crisis (that would have been me) and I must go to her. So sorry to leave when I haven't gotten to see as much of you lately as I'd like. (Omit if this is a blatant lie).
Then I hope I'd have taken me to a movie, or a girlfriend's or to a hotel for a few hours if money were not a problem. If it were, I hope there would be an open all night, safe place, like a grocery store with a snack area, not a bus station, a hospital lobby!
Then I would come in when I felt pretty sure he was passed out and get in my little bed and sleep.
I hope I would do that. Because to me, that would look and feel like taking care of me.
Hugs,
Temple
Take what you like, etc., etc.