In a few short years, my kids will be off to college. My goal is to be in a position by then to leave my marriage. Of course, it would be incredible if something were to happen before then that would make that unnecessary, but I cant keep holding on to that dream. I need to be prepared. But Im scared and overwhelmed by the thought. My kids have high emotional needs (high intelligence + creative minds + a history of bullying during very crucial years + social anxiety/depression/OCD (family history of all three, so its not unexpected) = ongoing therapy and a need for stability within the home). Much of my time is spent managing not only the household in general, but lots of doctors and therapy appointments as well as helping them to manage their anxieties. They are doing very, very well thank goodness and should be well positioned to lead happy, successful lives when the time comes for them to fly the coop, but were not at a point yet where I can take a step back from any of it. Add to that the fact that I am an only child to aging parents who rely on me a lot, and there is very little time left to focus on skill building for a future job. I do have a degree but I havent worked outside the home in nearly 6 years and havent worked in my degree field for over 18. I lucked out in getting the job I held for the majority of my employment time and it's highly unlikely I could get a job in that field again. Going back into my degree field would mean an entry level wage of around $28k a year, topping out at around $34k. Around here, I could barely afford a one bedroom apartment on that. The idea of leaving behind the financial stability I have with my AH to barely eek out a living on my own scares me to death. Please don't judge me for being superficial, but I don't want to give up my home. I don't want to count every penny. But I know for my long-term mental health, my lifestyle will have to change. I will have to learn to live on way, way less. I have begun to learn how to rely on myself emotionally but the idea of relying on myself financially is absolutely terrifying.
hotrod said
Dec 30, 2018
((Twinlies)) I have been there and decided to not project but to follow program tools and pray, live one day at a time and trust that Hp had a plan and would guide my life and I am so pleased to report that I secured a position with promotional opportunities that provided me with the independence i craved and a lovely retirement
Trust the process
mamalioness said
Dec 30, 2018
(((((Twinlies))))) I hear you..Been there and done that....and noone is going to judge you for wanting to be financially secure...security in ALL ways, is ours by divine right!!! Nobody should have to count pennies....I am putting out energy/visualizations to get one more good client ..I claim it in my head..visualize it...commited to just TRUST (hard for me) in the universe to meet all my needs, even if I don't SEE my good, I claim it in my head, my words and my visualizations..calling upon the forces of plenty to help me meet my needs....I DO all I can to put that energy out there...Then say "thank you" even b4 it comes to me.. and keep taking care of me...one day at a time...I don't think it is ever too late to change ones karma if we change ourselves, we CAN change our lives....I am commited to making a more abundant, secure life for me...its never too late.....please keep coming back....
Lyne said
Dec 30, 2018
Twinkles , You have a very full plate. I can understand it feels overwhelming. I found that by attending F2F meetings, getting a sponsor, and using the board, I was able to slow my mind down and work on myself. Living with my A left me an emotional mess. With program I get stronger and stronger and am better able to make decisions. I hope you will find a path within Alanon to get the help you need, and then everything else will become clear to you, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 30, 2018
Huge hugs of support, Twinkies!
That is one of the greatest things about this board... no judgments! I spent many, many disfunctional years with my spouse b/c I was too afraid of being poor... and I didn't really have much in the marriage - living paycheck to paycheck, never any "extra" money b/c spouse always paid for his addictions first, did not own a home, or lots of "stuff." But I completely understand the need for some sort of stability... and you have your children to think about.
I must commend you for being the "go-to parent" for your kids... they will thrive in this world, all because of your efforts!!! So please never look back in regret... they are/will reap the benefits of your sacrifices - b/c you ARE sacrificing. believe me, I know!
You. Are. Strength!
Peace to you, mama!! Keep coming back!
Iamhere said
Dec 30, 2018
(((Twinkies))) - what I learned in recovery is to make plans, just don't plan the outcome. I am like Betty - trust the program, the process and HP and I've not yet been let down. Things have gone different than expected/hoped many, many times but the outcome has never been 'as severe' as I projected it to be!
We truly do not know what tomorrow or the future will bring. It was so darn difficult for me to not look to the future yet with practice and tons of support in Al-Anon, I practice always living in today. That is truly where my joy is and where my peace resides. I believe it's really, really hard for many of us to consider what the 'empty next' may look like! Our children, even when grown are still our children and I have just come to accept that with that role, there is always a bit of worry. I do try to replace my worry with prayer as my worrying has never really solved any world issues!
Keep doing you, keep practicing recovery and you post reminded me of one thing I heard about fear when I arrived - False Evidence Appearing Real. Remembering this when I get fearful helps me to realize I am projecting and not present.
There is never any shame in wanting comfort in life! I really believe that HP wants us all to be Happy, Joyous and Free - how that's defined is personal! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
Maresie said
Dec 31, 2018
Iamhere wrote:
(((Twinkies))) - what I learned in recovery is to make plans, just don't plan the outcome. I am like Betty - trust the program, the process and HP and I've not yet been let down. Things have gone different than expected/hoped many, many times but the outcome has never been 'as severe' as I projected it to be!
We truly do not know what tomorrow or the future will bring. It was so darn difficult for me to not look to the future yet with practice and tons of support in Al-Anon, I practice always living in today. That is truly where my joy is and where my peace resides. I believe it's really, really hard for many of us to consider what the 'empty next' may look like! Our children, even when grown are still our children and I have just come to accept that with that role, there is always a bit of worry. I do try to replace my worry with prayer as my worrying has never really solved any world issues!
Keep doing you, keep practicing recovery and you post reminded me of one thing I heard about fear when I arrived - False Evidence Appearing Real. Remembering this when I get fearful helps me to realize I am projecting and not present.
There is never any shame in wanting comfort in life! I really believe that HP wants us all to be Happy, Joyous and Free - how that's defined is personal! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
I was very dependent on the now exA When I left hom it was the heart of the recession. I got help from counseling
I had some real lean years and some back sliding Now I am in a fake better financial position. I had a lot when I was with the ex A, a garden, a home, vacations. I didn't enjoy much if it because of the unending chaos I still have stressors many many stressors and limitations. Nevertheless no one can cause the kind if chaos in my life the now exA did I also now have a much calmer richer life. There is nitbtye eespaur I lived with when I engaged with an active alcoholic
To get out I really worried the orogram of disengaging That flow gave me a great deal of strength and resolve.
.maresie
Bettertomorrow said
Jan 1, 2019
Twinkies,
I am still at home with my AH and four children. What my sponsor shared with me and has helped me is to let go of worrying about the future, focus on myself, trust in my HP and take things one day at a time.
In the past I spent alot of time thinking that when the children grow up I will go or when / if things get so bad I will go - but I realised that the thinking was all about him - that if he did x, y or z I would go or if he did a,b, c I could tolerate it and stay. What I was really saying was that my happiness depended on him and what he was or was not doing, but I just didn't realise it. This coupled with the fear of leaving the house and starting all again, made it so easy to stay for one more day because 'it's not that bad". The focus again on him.
How I now try and live is ask whether I am happy or not, based on me and not him. He is of course part of it, but I am now trying to own responsibility for my own happiness. I don't know whether I will stay or go in the long term - that is no longer my primary question. I have been and am still working hard on boundaries and detaching and the question which involves him is now more around whether I am happy living my life in this way. I now have my own goals for the future about things I want to do and take baby steps to move towards them.
I appreciate starting again can seem very scary and for some people it provides the inertia to stay in things when they don't want to be there. The kids leaving home becomes something else and before they know it they are still there many years later. I am finding having my own dreams and goals helps me to take those little steps each day to move towards it and it has nothing at all to do with whether my AH is here or not. I don't always get it right but as they say progress and not perfection.
((Twinlies)) I have been there and decided to not project but to follow program tools and pray, live one day at a time and trust that Hp had a plan and would guide my life and I am so pleased to report that I secured a position with promotional opportunities that provided me with the independence i craved and a lovely retirement
Trust the process
That is one of the greatest things about this board... no judgments! I spent many, many disfunctional years with my spouse b/c I was too afraid of being poor... and I didn't really have much in the marriage - living paycheck to paycheck, never any "extra" money b/c spouse always paid for his addictions first, did not own a home, or lots of "stuff." But I completely understand the need for some sort of stability... and you have your children to think about.
I must commend you for being the "go-to parent" for your kids... they will thrive in this world, all because of your efforts!!! So please never look back in regret... they are/will reap the benefits of your sacrifices - b/c you ARE sacrificing. believe me, I know!
You. Are. Strength!
Peace to you, mama!! Keep coming back!
We truly do not know what tomorrow or the future will bring. It was so darn difficult for me to not look to the future yet with practice and tons of support in Al-Anon, I practice always living in today. That is truly where my joy is and where my peace resides. I believe it's really, really hard for many of us to consider what the 'empty next' may look like! Our children, even when grown are still our children and I have just come to accept that with that role, there is always a bit of worry. I do try to replace my worry with prayer as my worrying has never really solved any world issues!
Keep doing you, keep practicing recovery and you post reminded me of one thing I heard about fear when I arrived - False Evidence Appearing Real. Remembering this when I get fearful helps me to realize I am projecting and not present.
There is never any shame in wanting comfort in life! I really believe that HP wants us all to be Happy, Joyous and Free - how that's defined is personal! (((Hugs))) - keep coming back!
I was very dependent on the now exA When I left hom it was the heart of the recession. I got help from counseling
I had some real lean years and some back sliding Now I am in a fake better financial position. I had a lot when I was with the ex A, a garden, a home, vacations. I didn't enjoy much if it because of the unending chaos I still have stressors many many stressors and limitations. Nevertheless no one can cause the kind if chaos in my life the now exA did I also now have a much calmer richer life. There is nitbtye eespaur I lived with when I engaged with an active alcoholic
To get out I really worried the orogram of disengaging That flow gave me a great deal of strength and resolve.
.maresie
Twinkies,
I am still at home with my AH and four children. What my sponsor shared with me and has helped me is to let go of worrying about the future, focus on myself, trust in my HP and take things one day at a time.
In the past I spent alot of time thinking that when the children grow up I will go or when / if things get so bad I will go - but I realised that the thinking was all about him - that if he did x, y or z I would go or if he did a,b, c I could tolerate it and stay. What I was really saying was that my happiness depended on him and what he was or was not doing, but I just didn't realise it. This coupled with the fear of leaving the house and starting all again, made it so easy to stay for one more day because 'it's not that bad". The focus again on him.
How I now try and live is ask whether I am happy or not, based on me and not him. He is of course part of it, but I am now trying to own responsibility for my own happiness. I don't know whether I will stay or go in the long term - that is no longer my primary question. I have been and am still working hard on boundaries and detaching and the question which involves him is now more around whether I am happy living my life in this way. I now have my own goals for the future about things I want to do and take baby steps to move towards them.
I appreciate starting again can seem very scary and for some people it provides the inertia to stay in things when they don't want to be there. The kids leaving home becomes something else and before they know it they are still there many years later. I am finding having my own dreams and goals helps me to take those little steps each day to move towards it and it has nothing at all to do with whether my AH is here or not. I don't always get it right but as they say progress and not perfection.
Hugs and best wishes to you in your own journey.