I am grateful to have MIP and the program in my life as outcomes to the affect of the disease can be much worse than they use to be. Mental and Emotional relapsing for me involves living the long past history of alcoholism and my part in it all over again now with the awareness that I was powerless then and am powerless still. I couldn't think and wish my way out of it before program and still cannot. It is still cunning, powerful and baffling.
I went to bed last evening knowing the history of my participation would replay over and over and over in every real sound and color and it did. There was nothing I could do to deny what happened then and who was with me, family, friends and others. The events and the circumstances with the last circumstance being that I would arise as I have done in the past and go to a meeting so that I could have more time in recovery than relapse. Yes with the exception of the presence of alcohol, drugs, alcoholics and druggies it was all there in living color just as it had been years ago. My mental state even included having a drink while reviewing with me what that would do to relax me.
Yes my Higher Power was with me thru it all encouraging me to offset the insanity with what I have learned since getting into program and I am glad because I had enough serenity to go again, take my seat again and let the spirit of recovery surround me again. Am I terminal at this point? NO!! the condition I have is temporary reliant on the strength and condition of my program.
Came home and got some sleep and food...and MIP time.
Mahalo to you all for being always in reach with your ESH...I have no guarantee still so I can and will keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 30, 2018
((((Jerry))))
Very powerful share on how the mind can play very real tricks on a person! Thank you for being so open and willing to share with MIP! Recently I had a very similar dream - meaning it was in Living Color as well, and it involved MY repeating the same behaviors with my Ex (who I was still married to in my dream!). I awoke in the sweats and shaken to the core!
But like you, I paused and told myself it was not real... I AM making progress...grab an Al-Anon tool, go online, hit a meeting. All helped!
Wishing you Peace in 2019, my friend!
Iamhere said
Dec 30, 2018
(((Jerry))) - I can so, so, so relate! I woke up this morning, after sleeping very well/deep/good with 'an attitude'. I can admit that before recovery, I would wake up as I went to bed - usually mad at the world, full of fear/anxiety and ready to swing on the next person that got close enough. With recovery, I usually don't any more - I wake up serene, and start my day/program/process.
I readily admit I am a bit scattered - my momma was here for 10 days, so it was my second night back in my room with my bed! As I began my day, and realized I am still tired from her visit, my lovely disease suggested that I should skip my meeting as I'd been doing more than enough service recently....(insert an eye-roll here) Of course, HP had a different plan, as the very next thought was something alone the lines of put your ego back in the drawer, collect yourself and go to your meeting.
I am reminded often that I wake up each day with untreated alcoholism in myself and greatly affected by this disease in those I love. I have a choice each day to treat my disease and practice self-care or not. I know things work out much better when I do the former as best I can vs. the latter. I heard this morning at my meeting that an old-timer with 44 years of sobriety relapsed. I was instantly reminded that all we have is this one day, and nobody is immune from a relapse - either side of this program.
I am grateful my thinking was redirected this morning. I am grateful I did get on with my day, the program way, and made it to my meeting. I am grateful for a place like MIP where I can keep practicing recovery, share with others and absorb wisdom. Our meeting talked about how grateful we are for all the tools we're given in recovery....but we do have to open the box, pick one/two/few and use them!
Just for Today, we are OK. Just for Today, we can be at peace. Just for Today, I can be perfectly imperfect, and accept that as it's supposed to be. I know I'll keep coming back - as will you.....Sending love and light to you my brother!!
tiredtonite said
Dec 31, 2018
Thank you (((jerry))) for sharing and for helping me to see I'm not so unique. The end of the year in particular is especially hard at least for me. I've been in such a funk. The thinking machine goes into overdrive and that tends to play out in my dreams. I am speaker at my meeting today and I'd like to just not show up. I have that feeling that I have nothing to offer. I also know I desperately need a meeting because I feel this way. I suppose I could ask someone else to do this service for me but I will go ahead with it and just see where hp takes me and let go of the outcome. From past experience, I have never felt unsupported by my fellow alanons when I speak from the heart. That's the wonderful thing about our program. We come for support and are loved unconditionally. Hp is at the center of all of it. All I need to do is bring honesty openness and willingness to be vulnerable with other alanons as you have here. Thank you for your post. It helped me find courage and feel less alone today. I hope you feeling a bit better today. TT
Bo said
Dec 31, 2018
My mental and emotional relapses, slips, etc. -- are simply my stinking thinking. It happened yesterday! My ex texted that she had a house full of people and she couldn't talk about our daughter. Immediately, upon hearing that -- who is over the house, what are they doing, is she back with that criminal ex-bf who she shacked up with years ago, and so on. It lasted for about 15 seconds or so. And then, it was over. No lingering effects or consequences. However, it still upsets me that it happened, even for just 15 seconds.
Jerry, like you said, look at your part, your role, your contribution. Acceptance. Complete and absolute acceptance. Then, surrender. And then, let it go.
All the best.
JerryF said
Dec 31, 2018
The Hawaiian Cultural word for gratitude is Ho`omaika`i and this is what whispers in my spirit after reading all of your responses here. Yesterday and last night using this program and my culture I clung to the awareness that there has been another side to this illness we all carry. I was attended to by that other side off and on and focused on this thing we have we call recovery. It took awhile yet I kept on keeping on often coming back here to read of what others in our family have done and do to find peace of mind and serenity and right behavior. My Higher Power walked with and attended me as I tried to create a day that was productive and sane.
We have sold our house and preparing it to be delivered to the new owner is work that for me requires sanity and dedication...I had some of each and then my Higher Power inserted support; my grand daughter and her husband and two cutie sons came by to get our gifts for the boys. She is a recently failed suicide daughter of an alcoholic/addict father and a mother who also was raised within our life threatening disease. Her brother has left the family and lives apart from the family with still a close participation in the disease both husband and wife. I am powerless.
I got to hug my grand daughter and embrace her husband and speak a bit before they left and not so much about things that could touch the pain just off away. My wife wasn't here and came home shortly after they left feeling grateful and glad that things went well. There was a fear in our house that "gram pa therapist" stepped over wide boundaries with a diagnosis, unasked for, that she had been victimized by the disease especially the last event. My son, her father, took it personally and he and his brother decided a bit to go "hands on" with me. That didn't and wouldn't work as we have stronger bonds from the past. He was hurt and afraid by the truth...and ran away. I pray it still works. He has been to an AA meeting with me and his son and took his ego with him. I know what that is about very well.
Anyway last night I chose to take the spirit of my culture and program to bed with me and to meditate strongly keeping positive spiritual influence during the prayers, thoughts and feelings. I continued from where I left off in the morning before my meeting with chants asking for wisdom and understanding and kept focus on one chant to and from (about) Family and Personal Deities or Guardians which includes my programs and you all. That one is named Na `Aumakua and again it includes the spirits of all who walk my life with me.
I woke up changed and am changed now, encouraged to stay in balance mind, body, spirit and emotions and to reach out and collect and use all of the tools I have been blessed with by my Higher Power that continues to abide with me.
I ask for wisdom, understanding, peace of mind and serenity for all who are relatives in our MIP Family. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God. (((((hugs)))))
DavidG said
Dec 31, 2018
Great sharing Jerry... I am replying to your top share- and honouring your detailed second share which is a grounding one.
The gaps between relapses get longer and longer. I have spent more than half my life in Alanon. I few the benefits of those first baby steps now- like the first copper coins I put into a savings account.
It is New Years day here... a new beginning? Every moment today is a new beginning. I have old habits I would rather not have. But the habits of step 11 are now second nature.
My ability to learn has improved slowly, but surely. I am no longer 'beating my head against a brick wall'. I can stretch out on my couch- laptop on my lap and share. I have lots of other tasks to do. But this comes second after a moment of reflection... kia miharo... thanks M8.
Iamhere said
Dec 31, 2018
My brother - what a gift your shares are. You've clearly and simply outlined exactly how this program works when we work it! My heart is smiling for you - the house sale, the grand-daughter present/visit, the HP unconditional love you feel again, the renewed serenity within your heart.
I think it's so very hard when 'life' happens for us to be still and let HP lead. There is an underlying energy that tells us we 'need to do something'. What a gift to realize that what we really need to do is to align ourselves spiritually with HP and the answers will present themselves.
I'm sending you and all MIP love and light and prayers for a peaceful and lovely 2019. As I reflect today on who I am, where I am and how I am, I just keep getting reminded that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and all is well - my needs are met and my heart is peaceful. What more could I possibly want? (((Hugs))) - thanks for the great post and the lovely shares!
Happy New Year David (since you've already started 2019)!!
mamalioness said
Dec 31, 2018
WOW!!! ((((((Jerrry))))) your shares always give me some gift to take away...I don't have much to offer, but I notice with me, that sick thinking is only just over the bend, if I don't stay with my program..I used to think of recovery (when I realized that I was a lifer) was a life sentence and it will be just trading one type of incarceration (my childhood) for another (the program) but was grateful to soon see how wrong I was
I learned how to live better., to be better and to accept me, unconditionally when I am in the Coda "rabbit hole" of depression, fear, helplessess/needing to be in control, going nuts when I am not in control" way of thinking because I know I have the "habit" now of running to my program...the steps..slogans...calling a recovery mate...coming to MIP for support and sometimes Just a hug....to know I am not alone means so so much to one who WAS alone and unwanted and abandoned for so long....Here I am wanted not for what I can give or do but for who I am....that is priceless to me...to belong where I felt all my life I was a misfit
I love reading you...the open, honest, sincere, humble shares, its easy to see why you would be in the field that you are: helping others...
As long as I know I am only "this far away" from that sick thinking, NEVER thinking "I got this" I will be "ok" I guess...its when I see me straying from teh program because I don't have time for it, or "life" gets in the way, or I just don't "feel" like it , is when I need and usually get a kick in the butt, reminding me that "yea, you need your program and the healing that it offers"
its NY eve, 10:35 pm here and I am getting ready to go to bed....I hear my neighbors across the alley way, with their beer and music, my thick windows and doors blot out the noise, but when I open the slider to let the dogs out, I hear them partying....the hangovers people will have tomorrow...sleeping late and doing hardly nothing NY day because they feel like crap...I just send them a prayer of peace and good will...I used to self medicate my pain and my RX of choice was beer and marijuana.....oh yea, I remember those days well...I don't want to forget them as they are lessons...how I ran from my pain and grief with the beer and weed....I wasn't able to face and evenntaully put to rest any of my demons...so I just took them with me when I would move and thinking geography would "cure it all" Nope....I had to face....trace...so I could , not erase, as I'll never forget, but I can and did put a lot of that crap to rest....I can have FUN AND have my program....MORE fun, in fact....
anyway, I just wanted to weigh in on your lovely share and wish you and yours a blessed 2019....May it be a great year for ALL of us......Funny!!!! I have HOPE for this one....I actually have "HOPE for today" in my heart....now THAT is a new one for me......HUGS
I am grateful to have MIP and the program in my life as outcomes to the affect of the disease can be much worse than they use to be. Mental and Emotional relapsing for me involves living the long past history of alcoholism and my part in it all over again now with the awareness that I was powerless then and am powerless still. I couldn't think and wish my way out of it before program and still cannot. It is still cunning, powerful and baffling.
I went to bed last evening knowing the history of my participation would replay over and over and over in every real sound and color and it did. There was nothing I could do to deny what happened then and who was with me, family, friends and others. The events and the circumstances with the last circumstance being that I would arise as I have done in the past and go to a meeting so that I could have more time in recovery than relapse. Yes with the exception of the presence of alcohol, drugs, alcoholics and druggies it was all there in living color just as it had been years ago. My mental state even included having a drink while reviewing with me what that would do to relax me.
Yes my Higher Power was with me thru it all encouraging me to offset the insanity with what I have learned since getting into program and I am glad because I had enough serenity to go again, take my seat again and let the spirit of recovery surround me again. Am I terminal at this point? NO!! the condition I have is temporary reliant on the strength and condition of my program.
Came home and got some sleep and food...and MIP time.
Mahalo to you all for being always in reach with your ESH...I have no guarantee still so I can and will keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Very powerful share on how the mind can play very real tricks on a person! Thank you for being so open and willing to share with MIP! Recently I had a very similar dream - meaning it was in Living Color as well, and it involved MY repeating the same behaviors with my Ex (who I was still married to in my dream!). I awoke in the sweats and shaken to the core!
But like you, I paused and told myself it was not real... I AM making progress...grab an Al-Anon tool, go online, hit a meeting. All helped!
Wishing you Peace in 2019, my friend!
I readily admit I am a bit scattered - my momma was here for 10 days, so it was my second night back in my room with my bed! As I began my day, and realized I am still tired from her visit, my lovely disease suggested that I should skip my meeting as I'd been doing more than enough service recently....(insert an eye-roll here) Of course, HP had a different plan, as the very next thought was something alone the lines of put your ego back in the drawer, collect yourself and go to your meeting.
I am reminded often that I wake up each day with untreated alcoholism in myself and greatly affected by this disease in those I love. I have a choice each day to treat my disease and practice self-care or not. I know things work out much better when I do the former as best I can vs. the latter. I heard this morning at my meeting that an old-timer with 44 years of sobriety relapsed. I was instantly reminded that all we have is this one day, and nobody is immune from a relapse - either side of this program.
I am grateful my thinking was redirected this morning. I am grateful I did get on with my day, the program way, and made it to my meeting. I am grateful for a place like MIP where I can keep practicing recovery, share with others and absorb wisdom. Our meeting talked about how grateful we are for all the tools we're given in recovery....but we do have to open the box, pick one/two/few and use them!
Just for Today, we are OK. Just for Today, we can be at peace. Just for Today, I can be perfectly imperfect, and accept that as it's supposed to be. I know I'll keep coming back - as will you.....Sending love and light to you my brother!!
Thank you (((jerry))) for sharing and for helping me to see I'm not so unique. The end of the year in particular is especially hard at least for me. I've been in such a funk. The thinking machine goes into overdrive and that tends to play out in my dreams. I am speaker at my meeting today and I'd like to just not show up. I have that feeling that I have nothing to offer. I also know I desperately need a meeting because I feel this way. I suppose I could ask someone else to do this service for me but I will go ahead with it and just see where hp takes me and let go of the outcome. From past experience, I have never felt unsupported by my fellow alanons when I speak from the heart. That's the wonderful thing about our program. We come for support and are loved unconditionally. Hp is at the center of all of it. All I need to do is bring honesty openness and willingness to be vulnerable with other alanons as you have here. Thank you for your post. It helped me find courage and feel less alone today. I hope you feeling a bit better today. TT
Jerry, like you said, look at your part, your role, your contribution. Acceptance. Complete and absolute acceptance. Then, surrender. And then, let it go.
All the best.
The Hawaiian Cultural word for gratitude is Ho`omaika`i and this is what whispers in my spirit after reading all of your responses here. Yesterday and last night using this program and my culture I clung to the awareness that there has been another side to this illness we all carry. I was attended to by that other side off and on and focused on this thing we have we call recovery. It took awhile yet I kept on keeping on often coming back here to read of what others in our family have done and do to find peace of mind and serenity and right behavior. My Higher Power walked with and attended me as I tried to create a day that was productive and sane.
We have sold our house and preparing it to be delivered to the new owner is work that for me requires sanity and dedication...I had some of each and then my Higher Power inserted support; my grand daughter and her husband and two cutie sons came by to get our gifts for the boys. She is a recently failed suicide daughter of an alcoholic/addict father and a mother who also was raised within our life threatening disease. Her brother has left the family and lives apart from the family with still a close participation in the disease both husband and wife. I am powerless.
I got to hug my grand daughter and embrace her husband and speak a bit before they left and not so much about things that could touch the pain just off away. My wife wasn't here and came home shortly after they left feeling grateful and glad that things went well. There was a fear in our house that "gram pa therapist" stepped over wide boundaries with a diagnosis, unasked for, that she had been victimized by the disease especially the last event. My son, her father, took it personally and he and his brother decided a bit to go "hands on" with me. That didn't and wouldn't work as we have stronger bonds from the past. He was hurt and afraid by the truth...and ran away. I pray it still works. He has been to an AA meeting with me and his son and took his ego with him. I know what that is about very well.
Anyway last night I chose to take the spirit of my culture and program to bed with me and to meditate strongly keeping positive spiritual influence during the prayers, thoughts and feelings. I continued from where I left off in the morning before my meeting with chants asking for wisdom and understanding and kept focus on one chant to and from (about) Family and Personal Deities or Guardians which includes my programs and you all. That one is named Na `Aumakua and again it includes the spirits of all who walk my life with me.
I woke up changed and am changed now, encouraged to stay in balance mind, body, spirit and emotions and to reach out and collect and use all of the tools I have been blessed with by my Higher Power that continues to abide with me.
I ask for wisdom, understanding, peace of mind and serenity for all who are relatives in our MIP Family. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God. (((((hugs)))))
Great sharing Jerry... I am replying to your top share- and honouring your detailed second share which is a grounding one.
The gaps between relapses get longer and longer. I have spent more than half my life in Alanon. I few the benefits of those first baby steps now- like the first copper coins I put into a savings account.
It is New Years day here... a new beginning? Every moment today is a new beginning. I have old habits I would rather not have. But the habits of step 11 are now second nature.
My ability to learn has improved slowly, but surely. I am no longer 'beating my head against a brick wall'. I can stretch out on my couch- laptop on my lap and share. I have lots of other tasks to do. But this comes second after a moment of reflection... kia miharo... thanks M8.
I think it's so very hard when 'life' happens for us to be still and let HP lead. There is an underlying energy that tells us we 'need to do something'. What a gift to realize that what we really need to do is to align ourselves spiritually with HP and the answers will present themselves.
I'm sending you and all MIP love and light and prayers for a peaceful and lovely 2019. As I reflect today on who I am, where I am and how I am, I just keep getting reminded that I am exactly where I am supposed to be and all is well - my needs are met and my heart is peaceful. What more could I possibly want? (((Hugs))) - thanks for the great post and the lovely shares!
Happy New Year David (since you've already started 2019)!!
I learned how to live better., to be better and to accept me, unconditionally when I am in the Coda "rabbit hole" of depression, fear, helplessess/needing to be in control, going nuts when I am not in control" way of thinking because I know I have the "habit" now of running to my program...the steps..slogans...calling a recovery mate...coming to MIP for support and sometimes Just a hug....to know I am not alone means so so much to one who WAS alone and unwanted and abandoned for so long....Here I am wanted not for what I can give or do but for who I am....that is priceless to me...to belong where I felt all my life I was a misfit
I love reading you...the open, honest, sincere, humble shares, its easy to see why you would be in the field that you are: helping others...
As long as I know I am only "this far away" from that sick thinking, NEVER thinking "I got this" I will be "ok" I guess...its when I see me straying from teh program because I don't have time for it, or "life" gets in the way, or I just don't "feel" like it , is when I need and usually get a kick in the butt, reminding me that "yea, you need your program and the healing that it offers"
its NY eve, 10:35 pm here and I am getting ready to go to bed....I hear my neighbors across the alley way, with their beer and music, my thick windows and doors blot out the noise, but when I open the slider to let the dogs out, I hear them partying....the hangovers people will have tomorrow...sleeping late and doing hardly nothing NY day because they feel like crap...I just send them a prayer of peace and good will...I used to self medicate my pain and my RX of choice was beer and marijuana.....oh yea, I remember those days well...I don't want to forget them as they are lessons...how I ran from my pain and grief with the beer and weed....I wasn't able to face and evenntaully put to rest any of my demons...so I just took them with me when I would move and thinking geography would "cure it all" Nope....I had to face....trace...so I could , not erase, as I'll never forget, but I can and did put a lot of that crap to rest....I can have FUN AND have my program....MORE fun, in fact....
anyway, I just wanted to weigh in on your lovely share and wish you and yours a blessed 2019....May it be a great year for ALL of us......Funny!!!! I have HOPE for this one....I actually have "HOPE for today" in my heart....now THAT is a new one for me......HUGS