Wonder if he is still alive or will 2019 be another loss to the darkness of addiction for me??
mamalioness said
Dec 29, 2018
My loving A brother is trying to find our drug addicted brother...He just told me this!!!!
From his place in MA , hes been searching for our Bro who is in CA!!! he has called, texted, written everyone he knew out there, commonly with younger Bro (A Bro. went to visit 3 years ago and wisely got numbers of bro's friends, etc)
He has been looking and NOBODY has seen the younger brother...I told my A brother who is my best male friend that perhaps "P" is gone??? like to the other side??? I am sorta preparing A Brother "R" that this may be the case...
NOBODY has seen the little guy...When he got so deep into his disease and I saw his mind going south, I had to detach..It was torture and triggering for me to speak with him and listen to his awful statements that reminded me of my offender...His voice sounds like him and hes a sexual deviant like him (Noo he doesn't pick on minor teen girls, but he does like the young ones) and I had to cut him loose as I saw him getting worse, I admin "R's" Facebook page and "P" when he WAS on FB would post these YOUNG girls on "R's" page and talking about all he wanted to "do with them" I would erase these pictures and I unfriended "P" because he would not stop putting these pics on "R's" board..."R" didn't want them there either.....So I unfriended him.....
"P" has 3 FB pages..dunno how he managed that, but poor "R" who is only a year older and USED to be "P's" best friend PM'd all the pages, even and no reply
its as tho the earth swallowed "P" up and hes gone!!! I had to do my grieving a long time ago when i made the decision that I just COULD NOT talk with him anymore, the triggering was just too much...I could "grit my teeth" over his voice because that is not anything he can control, but the deviant remarks I could not get past...So I had to just , with love, walk away...Not answer his calls, then he lost his cell phone so no more calls.....So Sad!!! Sad to have to give him over to his HP because I just cannot handle it...So now!!! Where IS he???
Of course I still care..When we were young, we had so much fun together...i confess "P" and "R" taught me how to smoke weed and I did it with them .....never got into it that much, but did have fun with them...I thought we would all "grow out of it" but those 2 went on to "R" with the alcohol addiction---"P" with the drug addictions.............me, I was the CoDa which is Co-addict, really....I just thought we would all straighten up and be human at some point....I am the only one in recovery!! And I am recovering on a day to day basis..I know I have to work my program EACH day to stay emotionally sober, myself..
I'm writing this because AGAIN, a holiday with younger bro, MIA...I am trying to gently prepare "R" for the worst case scenario.....Hope, yes, but with reservations and no expectations.....
I remember the time when these 2 guys were my only happiness during holidays...We would step away from the abuse and raging anger and we would "hang out" with our friends and enjoy each other's company..
Gone are those happy times with the brothers....I'm gr8ful, I still have the one, the one next to me in age...gr8ful I can still have a fun convo with him when he is sober....It does appear, tho, that we talk a "tad" less as the ravages of alcohol take over, bit by bit, the binges a bit longer, and the recovery from those a bit longer........THIS is why I love it when he has to go out to sea....he CANT drink but a beer or two while out at sea...
I have mixed emotions about "P" he is so far gone, a part of me wishes he WOULD go to other side adn be free of the horrid state he is in...the selfish, part of me wishes he would get in trouble with the law and get locked up , AGAIN, and forced into rehab and maybe another chance..a chance that I feel 99% that he would throw away...Just like the previous chances...hes been in lockup...forced into rehab....as soon as he got free, it was on to the nearest dealer....
I lost him years ago!!! I'm trying to gently prepare "R" for this.."R" , I think, is in denial, still as to how bad "P" really is...So I am trying to gently prepare him....Not easy!!! Not a task I want, but noone else is gonna do it....
"P" no matter where you are, even tho I had to detach from you, I will always love the once upon a time, way back, funny, mischievous, "up for anything" , adventurous, helpful little guy you are, underneath all that darkness in the drugs....
The drugs took away my younger brother and pal...they took every part of him, but I still believe his soul belongs to the universe and when he DOES leave, he will be free!!!!
Thanks for letting me share..."R's" desperate search for him with no results makes my heart sad!!!!
I think , "R" senses that hes lost his brother..he just is not ready to face the reality that he really could be gone ...If he has ID on him, I would think we would know if he has left...So I am thinking he is deep in the bowls of a big city in CA, homeless, probably dealing or stealing to "earn" his next fix..
Thanks for letting me share!!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 29, 2018
My heart hurts for you, Rose, reading this. Nobody wants this dynamic in their family... even as adults (who are supposed to "deal" with life better)! I can read that it hurts your soul that you had to give your younger brother's welfare up to his HP... but I can also read it was the sanest thing you could've done. You were protecting YOU.
As you know, your oldest bro will come to terms with where your younger bro is on his time-line.
Saying a little prayer for you three today,
Peace!
mamalioness said
Dec 29, 2018
(((((((((((((((((((((PnP))))))))))))))))))))))))) yea, during holidays, I miss the fun we all had, never knowing that each of us would take a different path...They got into addiction...not their choice, but it is what it is....I became an ACA and CoDa, not my choice either, but it is what it is and I am grateful that life drove me into recovery
Yea, life can be brutal, but the practice of detachment saves the day for me....I am feeling the sadness now, but will get up...shake myself off and haul my arse to the gym and see whom I can victimize on the basketball court OR just take a lazy, easy swim!!!! I can only take care of me...Help me..Reparent me where I can love myself perhaps for the first time...Put out good energy on a ODAT basis....Let go what I can never control
thank you my friend for taking time out to give me some love and prayer.....I think of you and pray for you to keep movin forward and may 2019 really be a GREAT beginning to a GREAT life for a GREAT lady!!!!! I'm so glad U R part of my recovery....
DavidG said
Dec 29, 2018
Family is tough Rosie... as you know we lost our kid brother this year.
years of trying to reach him are over. I was trying to reach him when we were kids.
I suppose sharing is about getting closure, somehow- for ruined lives firstly- and then lost opportunities.
What else can we do...? Hope for the New Year...???
mamalioness said
Dec 29, 2018
yea, David, My reaching out to him days are over...I have to accept the unacceptable, and take care of me so I am useful to the souls I CAN be of help to....and yea, sharing this, helps me get closure..."ruined lives firstly- and then lost opportunities" he was a WIZ at mathamatics...an ace salesman when we were salesmen/women at my sister's furniture store and BIL...."P" and I would always come in first and second ea. month among a lot of other sales reps....we were an awesome team...yea, "ruined life--lost opportunities"
thanks, PnP and David for weighing in.....I am "OK" program helps me know that this is 1000% out of my hands....doing the next right thing by me???? walmart or "wallyworld" as I call it for some bananas and then on to gym for a swim.....something about doing laps in the pool, feeling my body, weightless, gliding through that water makes me forget all the negative and charges me up for the positive....top it off w/a hot shower with their lemon body wash and yep...I'm good to go....I will always love him, but had to give him back to his creator long ago....the other brother will keep searching until, he too, comes to reality...there is a pastor there who knows us and I am hoping that Pastor "D" will pm me on FB (lost his cell # when I changed phones) when the seemingly inevitable happens....He had to ban "P" from his halfway house because of doing and dealing on the premises, but he knows everyone!! surely he will find out...
Maresie said
Dec 30, 2018
As you know one of my friends committed suicide 2 years ago. He was a good friend to me for 5 years indeed he was a friend when no one else was. There were a lot of signs that his life was not as perfect as he out it out for me.
I am sorry your brother took.a long road down. In the past few years I have lost a lot of people to the disease. Now it doesn't seen as irrational.as it did when my friend died.
I am glad you sought the path of recovery Your determination grit and imagination are a real inspiration for others. For some of us we have to see others making the incredible effort that it takes to recover Sometimes that seend to be a very long road.
The holidays are times when we think of our fanilies In my own case I had to set tremendous distance from my family of origin because they were so enmeshed and so destructive That was hard going. Then I found persons who were like my family because they were familiar. It was decades before I was prepared to venture into the unfamiliar I know how much courage and strength it took for me to set so much distance from my family I also know how difficult it is to say you would rather be alone than enmeshed.
I think it also takes great courage to be able to look at the co sequences of addiction Thar is the suffering, the destruction if lives and eventually for some people their death I am glad you are brave enough to be willing to address that issue there are some days I feel I am not up to that task
My loving A brother is trying to find our drug addicted brother...He just told me this!!!!
From his place in MA , hes been searching for our Bro who is in CA!!! he has called, texted, written everyone he knew out there, commonly with younger Bro (A Bro. went to visit 3 years ago and wisely got numbers of bro's friends, etc)
He has been looking and NOBODY has seen the younger brother...I told my A brother who is my best male friend that perhaps "P" is gone??? like to the other side??? I am sorta preparing A Brother "R" that this may be the case...
NOBODY has seen the little guy...When he got so deep into his disease and I saw his mind going south, I had to detach..It was torture and triggering for me to speak with him and listen to his awful statements that reminded me of my offender...His voice sounds like him and hes a sexual deviant like him (Noo he doesn't pick on minor teen girls, but he does like the young ones) and I had to cut him loose as I saw him getting worse, I admin "R's" Facebook page and "P" when he WAS on FB would post these YOUNG girls on "R's" page and talking about all he wanted to "do with them" I would erase these pictures and I unfriended "P" because he would not stop putting these pics on "R's" board..."R" didn't want them there either.....So I unfriended him.....
"P" has 3 FB pages..dunno how he managed that, but poor "R" who is only a year older and USED to be "P's" best friend PM'd all the pages, even and no reply
its as tho the earth swallowed "P" up and hes gone!!! I had to do my grieving a long time ago when i made the decision that I just COULD NOT talk with him anymore, the triggering was just too much...I could "grit my teeth" over his voice because that is not anything he can control, but the deviant remarks I could not get past...So I had to just , with love, walk away...Not answer his calls, then he lost his cell phone so no more calls.....So Sad!!! Sad to have to give him over to his HP because I just cannot handle it...So now!!! Where IS he???
Of course I still care..When we were young, we had so much fun together...i confess "P" and "R" taught me how to smoke weed and I did it with them .....never got into it that much, but did have fun with them...I thought we would all "grow out of it" but those 2 went on to "R" with the alcohol addiction---"P" with the drug addictions.............me, I was the CoDa which is Co-addict, really....I just thought we would all straighten up and be human at some point....I am the only one in recovery!! And I am recovering on a day to day basis..I know I have to work my program EACH day to stay emotionally sober, myself..
I'm writing this because AGAIN, a holiday with younger bro, MIA...I am trying to gently prepare "R" for the worst case scenario.....Hope, yes, but with reservations and no expectations.....
I remember the time when these 2 guys were my only happiness during holidays...We would step away from the abuse and raging anger and we would "hang out" with our friends and enjoy each other's company..
Gone are those happy times with the brothers....I'm gr8ful, I still have the one, the one next to me in age...gr8ful I can still have a fun convo with him when he is sober....It does appear, tho, that we talk a "tad" less as the ravages of alcohol take over, bit by bit, the binges a bit longer, and the recovery from those a bit longer........THIS is why I love it when he has to go out to sea....he CANT drink but a beer or two while out at sea...
I have mixed emotions about "P" he is so far gone, a part of me wishes he WOULD go to other side adn be free of the horrid state he is in...the selfish, part of me wishes he would get in trouble with the law and get locked up , AGAIN, and forced into rehab and maybe another chance..a chance that I feel 99% that he would throw away...Just like the previous chances...hes been in lockup...forced into rehab....as soon as he got free, it was on to the nearest dealer....
I lost him years ago!!! I'm trying to gently prepare "R" for this.."R" , I think, is in denial, still as to how bad "P" really is...So I am trying to gently prepare him....Not easy!!! Not a task I want, but noone else is gonna do it....
"P" no matter where you are, even tho I had to detach from you, I will always love the once upon a time, way back, funny, mischievous, "up for anything" , adventurous, helpful little guy you are, underneath all that darkness in the drugs....
The drugs took away my younger brother and pal...they took every part of him, but I still believe his soul belongs to the universe and when he DOES leave, he will be free!!!!
Thanks for letting me share..."R's" desperate search for him with no results makes my heart sad!!!!
I think , "R" senses that hes lost his brother..he just is not ready to face the reality that he really could be gone ...If he has ID on him, I would think we would know if he has left...So I am thinking he is deep in the bowls of a big city in CA, homeless, probably dealing or stealing to "earn" his next fix..
Thanks for letting me share!!!!
As you know, your oldest bro will come to terms with where your younger bro is on his time-line.
Saying a little prayer for you three today,
Peace!
Yea, life can be brutal, but the practice of detachment saves the day for me....I am feeling the sadness now, but will get up...shake myself off and haul my arse to the gym and see whom I can victimize on the basketball court OR just take a lazy, easy swim!!!! I can only take care of me...Help me..Reparent me where I can love myself perhaps for the first time...Put out good energy on a ODAT basis....Let go what I can never control
thank you my friend for taking time out to give me some love and prayer.....I think of you and pray for you to keep movin forward and may 2019 really be a GREAT beginning to a GREAT life for a GREAT lady!!!!! I'm so glad U R part of my recovery....
Family is tough Rosie... as you know we lost our kid brother this year.
years of trying to reach him are over. I was trying to reach him when we were kids.
I suppose sharing is about getting closure, somehow- for ruined lives firstly- and then lost opportunities.
What else can we do...? Hope for the New Year...???
thanks, PnP and David for weighing in.....I am "OK" program helps me know that this is 1000% out of my hands....doing the next right thing by me???? walmart or "wallyworld" as I call it for some bananas and then on to gym for a swim.....something about doing laps in the pool, feeling my body, weightless, gliding through that water makes me forget all the negative and charges me up for the positive....top it off w/a hot shower with their lemon body wash and yep...I'm good to go....I will always love him, but had to give him back to his creator long ago....the other brother will keep searching until, he too, comes to reality...there is a pastor there who knows us and I am hoping that Pastor "D" will pm me on FB (lost his cell # when I changed phones) when the seemingly inevitable happens....He had to ban "P" from his halfway house because of doing and dealing on the premises, but he knows everyone!! surely he will find out...
As you know one of my friends committed suicide 2 years ago. He was a good friend to me for 5 years indeed he was a friend when no one else was. There were a lot of signs that his life was not as perfect as he out it out for me.
I am sorry your brother took.a long road down. In the past few years I have lost a lot of people to the disease. Now it doesn't seen as irrational.as it did when my friend died.
I am glad you sought the path of recovery Your determination grit and imagination are a real inspiration for others. For some of us we have to see others making the incredible effort that it takes to recover Sometimes that seend to be a very long road.
The holidays are times when we think of our fanilies In my own case I had to set tremendous distance from my family of origin because they were so enmeshed and so destructive That was hard going. Then I found persons who were like my family because they were familiar. It was decades before I was prepared to venture into the unfamiliar I know how much courage and strength it took for me to set so much distance from my family I also know how difficult it is to say you would rather be alone than enmeshed.
I think it also takes great courage to be able to look at the co sequences of addiction Thar is the suffering, the destruction if lives and eventually for some people their death I am glad you are brave enough to be willing to address that issue there are some days I feel I am not up to that task
Maresie