It has been a while since I have posted although still come to read daily and respond when I feel I have something to offer.
Christmas was pretty terrific this year. We celebrated early to accomadate others schedules which was fine by me .
My AD has been struggling with sobriety, on again off again. She is however out of the abusive relationship she was in and for that I am grateful.
I am doing a ton better minding my own business, letting her be an adult and detaching with love. We have had many good times spent hiking, going to yoga, movies, hanging out and such the last six months.
I have been attending regularly my twelve step meetings and am joining a step group in January which I am looking forward to. I have been reaching out and asking for help a lot more then ever before and I can see the changes in me.
I still struggle with feeling the need to "talk" with my daughter when things go sideways. The need is less and I have little to no expectations like I used to but yet I still want to be heard.
I am and was upset with her as she did not fulfill my expectation to have Christmas morning breakfast with us and go out for a hike later. I had texted her early in the am and invited her. She surfaced via text mid afternoon wondering what the plan was. She had spent Xmas eve with a person whom was a drinking companion in the past) I made no comment about this decision and minded my own business although of course I was worried. I responded that the plan was breakfast and a hike which she had missed so clearly that was not her priority and to carry on doing whatever it was she wanted to be doing . I told her my feelings were hurt.
That response of course did not result in any warm fuzzies from her. She has responded in kind by indicating she was told to not come for Christmas day by me which of course I recognize as manipulation and gaslighting but boy oh boy its hard to not react to that kind of nonsense. . The past couple of days I have taken the time to evaluate and give myself from space. I often struggle with feeling like no matter what I need to be the bigger person as I am Mom. I absolutely never try to hurt someones feelings but I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for yet I feel unsettled about the whole thing. I have come to realize that I intensely dislike having any angst between myself and my kids but I think I need to be willing to sit with the discomfort.
I guess I have some work to do to examine my part, make amends if any need to be made and let it go. That is the part I am having a struggle with. Do I have a part or am I once again trying to smooth it all over and make it all better while ignoring reality and my own needs? Lots of work to do for sure.
I have some calls out to my fellow 12 step members and potential sponsor, but welcome any ESH from this wise MIP family as well.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 28th of December 2018 03:28:39 PM
SerenityRUS said
Dec 28, 2018
Hugs Serenity,
It sounds like other than the family dynamics stuff it went well. I know I'm in for a verbal beating as I call it .. regardless if it's well earned or not .. I put off making the call or having the conversation because I already feel like the bad daughter earned or not.
Something you said brought to me an earlier share which is .. I am fully capable of stating my needs and wants however how other people respond I can't control. They are entitled to their thoughts and reactions/responses to those things and I can get my feelings hurt over them or I can step back and say ok .. that's not where I need to get that need met.
I do wonder in the past many years how many times has your daughter followed through on what she said she was going to do? Is this new behavior? Is the following through new behavior? Possibly instead of telling her your feelings were hurt .. maybe I really missed you today and I had hoped we were going to spend time together. Do you think we could do something else this week? What is your schedule looking like. If my mom said to me I hurt her feelings I would probably put my defenses up first and ask questions later .. what I hear in those statements is I am a bad daughter. Again .. true or not .. I know at least I don't like to hear I have been a bad daughter because while that might not be what was said that was the message that was sent .. I disappointed my mom .. again. I don't walk away feeling positive or wanting to be around my mom because of guilt. While that is my issue .. it's not going to be the response my mom wants.
That's my perspective and my projection so take what you like and leave the rest .. I think trying to navigate waters of parent/child is hard stuff and I know I am working with my oldest moving into more of an adult/adult relationship. I have to remind myself as awful as this will sound to tell him honey I'm really proud of you. Or find something specific .. I like your hair, your clothing choice .. whatever it might be something big or small .. even if I have to act as if in the moment because it hits me as I get older the one thing I really want from my mom is her approval and I have to learn to get that from myself at this point because my mom has a difficult time saying something nice (I have no idea why I am the way I am .. lol).
It really is so easy to focus on the negative that I forget that my oldest is more that a transgender person and all of the things that go with that and I am stuck in survival mode in a similar fashion as to dealing with alcoholism/addiction because one never knows with this child what new drama and trauma will surface. So focusing on what I like helps me deal with my grief (it's hard to explain other than to say while I feel like I have lost a daughter, I am grieving the gender expectations I had for my child and yet they aren't dead it's just now different.)
So no .. it kind of sucked that you verbalized to your kiddo that your feelings were hurt and you didn't get the response you wanted. That's what I would probably take to my sponsor instead of my recovering kid. Is it wrong that your feelings were hurt .. no of course not, and you should talk about it, just with someone who will say that kind of sucked. You certainly could have had a different conversation and gotten your needs met in a different way. I'm back to having the conversation with both of my kids that you can have plan A .. just don't forget about the other 25 letters of the alphabet. My youngest at the moment needs a reminder that there is actually a filter from the mouth to the brain .. smh .. teenage years .. LOL. We are having that conversation on Saturday and my expectation is a whole lot of pushback and finding a way to reach him that the best way to have a good day is don't be a jerk. He's sooo me ... lol .. I never doubt God's sense of humor. I expect my feelings to get hurt and because I am the adult I am required to respond as an adult .. Lord help me. He's really been on a roll lately.
Big hugs .. parenting doesn't get easier it just changes with time, it's still hard.
S :)
hotrod said
Dec 28, 2018
((Serenity)) Thanks for the inspiring update. Keep on keeping on
serenity47 said
Dec 28, 2018
Thanks Ladies. I sat with it for a while, talked to some program people and owned my part which was a couple of texts that came across as catty which I do not like to be. My feelings remain my feelings as hers do hers. There was no verbal beating to be had.
My apology for my part was accepted and she in turn apologized for her part. That is huge progress. Ill take that. It doesn't change what happened, but I surely feel a whole lot better for seeking resolution and living my life in peace which is so important to me. Nothing changes if nothing changes is my most valued slogan. I do things differently today such as pausing, phoning a program friend, asking for help then what I was previously willing to do.
I love both of my children immensely but I am also learning to once again value my own life, put myself first. I am seeing the benefits of that daily. It really does work when you work it.
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 28, 2018
Thank you for this update, Serenity. I was really able to take away quite a bit from your posts and the ESH that was shared!
Iamhere said
Dec 29, 2018
Serenity - lovely topic and an even better update! I am sorry that things worked out different than desired and you were hurt. Great job using your program to 'get over the hump'. Both of my boys let me down a bit over the holidays and also surprised me in ways I didn't expect.....I'm working hard to focus on what's better/improved rather than what is still so disappointing. It just makes me heart feel better.
Keep doing you and keep leaning into recovery - it's really looking awesome on you! (((Hugs))) and happy New Year!
Maresie said
Dec 30, 2018
I was thinking today about how hard the holidays were for me. I never could give up my expectations of others I put all my eggs on that they had to come through for me My self esteem rested on what OTHERS did and how they were. .
These days my Christmas is alone pretty much and I even have to examine my expectations there I constantly have to review what I can do I also have to be careful of triggers
One of my friends died two years ago just before Christmas He always expressed to me his life was going well. Indeed just before he died he had a accomplished many of his goals.
Now I believe he was never honest about anything I spent a lot of time feeling inferior to him and his accomplishments and his emotional maturity but there were a kit of hints he had substance abuse issues.
These days I dont feel inferior to anyone I view what other people say about their lives gently but I dont have some yardstick that compares it to my own life There really is no comparison.
Thar being said I dont put up with too much in certain situations I choose my relationships carefully and I work hard not to feel victimized
I was one tortured soul mist Christmas's in my adult life I let it consume me. Being able to detach has been life saving for me I have also had to make Christmas much less important to me. For my life being calm, trying to be healthy and mindful is so key
I can't say I had a Happy Christmas but it wasn't the disaster and the deep deep disappointment I have had in the past.
For me that is probably the best present I can give to myself
Hello everyone.
It has been a while since I have posted although still come to read daily and respond when I feel I have something to offer.
Christmas was pretty terrific this year. We celebrated early to accomadate others schedules which was fine by me .
My AD has been struggling with sobriety, on again off again. She is however out of the abusive relationship she was in and for that I am grateful.
I am doing a ton better minding my own business, letting her be an adult and detaching with love. We have had many good times spent hiking, going to yoga, movies, hanging out and such the last six months.
I have been attending regularly my twelve step meetings and am joining a step group in January which I am looking forward to. I have been reaching out and asking for help a lot more then ever before and I can see the changes in me.
I still struggle with feeling the need to "talk" with my daughter when things go sideways. The need is less and I have little to no expectations like I used to but yet I still want to be heard.
I am and was upset with her as she did not fulfill my expectation to have Christmas morning breakfast with us and go out for a hike later. I had texted her early in the am and invited her. She surfaced via text mid afternoon wondering what the plan was. She had spent Xmas eve with a person whom was a drinking companion in the past) I made no comment about this decision and minded my own business although of course I was worried. I responded that the plan was breakfast and a hike which she had missed so clearly that was not her priority and to carry on doing whatever it was she wanted to be doing . I told her my feelings were hurt.
That response of course did not result in any warm fuzzies from her. She has responded in kind by indicating she was told to not come for Christmas day by me which of course I recognize as manipulation and gaslighting but boy oh boy its hard to not react to that kind of nonsense. . The past couple of days I have taken the time to evaluate and give myself from space. I often struggle with feeling like no matter what I need to be the bigger person as I am Mom. I absolutely never try to hurt someones feelings but I don't feel like I have anything to apologize for yet I feel unsettled about the whole thing. I have come to realize that I intensely dislike having any angst between myself and my kids but I think I need to be willing to sit with the discomfort.
I guess I have some work to do to examine my part, make amends if any need to be made and let it go. That is the part I am having a struggle with. Do I have a part or am I once again trying to smooth it all over and make it all better while ignoring reality and my own needs? Lots of work to do for sure.
I have some calls out to my fellow 12 step members and potential sponsor, but welcome any ESH from this wise MIP family as well.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Friday 28th of December 2018 03:28:39 PM
It sounds like other than the family dynamics stuff it went well. I know I'm in for a verbal beating as I call it .. regardless if it's well earned or not .. I put off making the call or having the conversation because I already feel like the bad daughter earned or not.
Something you said brought to me an earlier share which is .. I am fully capable of stating my needs and wants however how other people respond I can't control. They are entitled to their thoughts and reactions/responses to those things and I can get my feelings hurt over them or I can step back and say ok .. that's not where I need to get that need met.
I do wonder in the past many years how many times has your daughter followed through on what she said she was going to do? Is this new behavior? Is the following through new behavior? Possibly instead of telling her your feelings were hurt .. maybe I really missed you today and I had hoped we were going to spend time together. Do you think we could do something else this week? What is your schedule looking like. If my mom said to me I hurt her feelings I would probably put my defenses up first and ask questions later .. what I hear in those statements is I am a bad daughter. Again .. true or not .. I know at least I don't like to hear I have been a bad daughter because while that might not be what was said that was the message that was sent .. I disappointed my mom .. again. I don't walk away feeling positive or wanting to be around my mom because of guilt. While that is my issue .. it's not going to be the response my mom wants.
That's my perspective and my projection so take what you like and leave the rest .. I think trying to navigate waters of parent/child is hard stuff and I know I am working with my oldest moving into more of an adult/adult relationship. I have to remind myself as awful as this will sound to tell him honey I'm really proud of you. Or find something specific .. I like your hair, your clothing choice .. whatever it might be something big or small .. even if I have to act as if in the moment because it hits me as I get older the one thing I really want from my mom is her approval and I have to learn to get that from myself at this point because my mom has a difficult time saying something nice (I have no idea why I am the way I am .. lol).
It really is so easy to focus on the negative that I forget that my oldest is more that a transgender person and all of the things that go with that and I am stuck in survival mode in a similar fashion as to dealing with alcoholism/addiction because one never knows with this child what new drama and trauma will surface. So focusing on what I like helps me deal with my grief (it's hard to explain other than to say while I feel like I have lost a daughter, I am grieving the gender expectations I had for my child and yet they aren't dead it's just now different.)
So no .. it kind of sucked that you verbalized to your kiddo that your feelings were hurt and you didn't get the response you wanted. That's what I would probably take to my sponsor instead of my recovering kid. Is it wrong that your feelings were hurt .. no of course not, and you should talk about it, just with someone who will say that kind of sucked. You certainly could have had a different conversation and gotten your needs met in a different way. I'm back to having the conversation with both of my kids that you can have plan A .. just don't forget about the other 25 letters of the alphabet. My youngest at the moment needs a reminder that there is actually a filter from the mouth to the brain .. smh .. teenage years .. LOL. We are having that conversation on Saturday and my expectation is a whole lot of pushback and finding a way to reach him that the best way to have a good day is don't be a jerk. He's sooo me ... lol .. I never doubt God's sense of humor. I expect my feelings to get hurt and because I am the adult I am required to respond as an adult .. Lord help me. He's really been on a roll lately.
Big hugs .. parenting doesn't get easier it just changes with time, it's still hard.
S :)
My apology for my part was accepted and she in turn apologized for her part. That is huge progress. Ill take that. It doesn't change what happened, but I surely feel a whole lot better for seeking resolution and living my life in peace which is so important to me. Nothing changes if nothing changes is my most valued slogan. I do things differently today such as pausing, phoning a program friend, asking for help then what I was previously willing to do.
I love both of my children immensely but I am also learning to once again value my own life, put myself first. I am seeing the benefits of that daily. It really does work when you work it.
Keep doing you and keep leaning into recovery - it's really looking awesome on you! (((Hugs))) and happy New Year!
I was thinking today about how hard the holidays were for me. I never could give up my expectations of others I put all my eggs on that they had to come through for me My self esteem rested on what OTHERS did and how they were. .
These days my Christmas is alone pretty much and I even have to examine my expectations there I constantly have to review what I can do I also have to be careful of triggers
One of my friends died two years ago just before Christmas He always expressed to me his life was going well. Indeed just before he died he had a accomplished many of his goals.
Now I believe he was never honest about anything I spent a lot of time feeling inferior to him and his accomplishments and his emotional maturity but there were a kit of hints he had substance abuse issues.
These days I dont feel inferior to anyone I view what other people say about their lives gently but I dont have some yardstick that compares it to my own life There really is no comparison.
Thar being said I dont put up with too much in certain situations I choose my relationships carefully and I work hard not to feel victimized
I was one tortured soul mist Christmas's in my adult life I let it consume me. Being able to detach has been life saving for me I have also had to make Christmas much less important to me. For my life being calm, trying to be healthy and mindful is so key
I can't say I had a Happy Christmas but it wasn't the disaster and the deep deep disappointment I have had in the past.
For me that is probably the best present I can give to myself
Maresie
maresie