To Say I've had a Blessed Holiday would be an Understatement... I have Had So Many Wonderful Moments with my Kids, Grandkids, Nieces & Nephews, Mom, Siblings, and Friends...Even got a New Puppy to Love... and Her Name too is "Jozie" :D
But For what ever Reason, My Heart is Just In Such Pain... I Know some of it is Grief, in Missing those I Lost before, but then It Feels like the Other is...
I Try So Hard to be Happy, and Present in my Life, and then I Hit this Wave where I Wonder... "IS there More Out there?" I Keep Believing Maybe there is Just Something Wrong with Me? Winter Depression has Always been an Issue but this Year it is Just Different... It Just Feels like My Soul has been Cryin for So Long, its Not Sure what "Happy" is any more...
I want to Blame my "Non Compassionate" Husband at times for Not Noticing, for Not being Open to Listening or Talking about "MY" Issues, seems all we talk about any more is HIS Issues, Work, and Negativity, and I Feel it is Just getting worse... And when I Allow myself to Live Only in His ICK, I Feel like someone is Holding my Head Under Water! I have Spoke up, and Said, ENOUGH already, Find your Positive and Come back because Negative Projecting is getting us No Where... But Nothing... More Shut Down, More Turn Off...
But I Know he Don't Run My Feelings, I Do.. and I know I Shouldn't Expect him to Fill this Void, yet I Feel he has Just Given up on US and is Ok being Roommates... :/ Which Makes me Feel WORSE As a Woman! If that Makes Sense at all :/
I'm Grateful I have Held My Sobriety in Check, and I Feel Pretty Confident that regardless of what is Next for me, I think I Can Keep it that way, I don't feel Weak there! but Just my Soul Hurts...
I've had Tests Run thinking Maybe its that time in my life where My Body is just Tired, but Nope, No Signs there! I have Lost 15lbs in the Last Month (tho I'm Grateful its Gone!) it Isn't because of Diet or Exercise? I Feel like Stress is Eating a Hole in my stomach again, and I haven't had this Feeling in a Very Long Time! Decades really...
I have Prayed Non Stop for a Month for Answers, and I know its God's Will... and I'm Trying So Hard to be Patient, and Practice my Program daily, but I Just feel like the Brick is Tied to my Ankle and I'm Getting Know where...
Has Anyone else Felt this way? And If So... HOW Did you Swim up Out... What have you Tried? I'm Grateful for Any Thoughts, ESH, Prayers, Good Vibes, what ever you have Available...
I Just feel like I Need a Time Out from Life, but Just don't know how to Get that without Hurting People, but at the same time, Feel if I Don't I'm Going to Snap!
Thanks for Listening... Know that I'm Grateful for you all and Hope you all had a Wonderful Holiday and Have a Very Blessed New Year to Come :)
Thanks for being Here
Jozie
hotrod said
Dec 28, 2018
(((Jozie)) this is indeed a difficult time of year and I so understand where you are coming from. I have been there after the relapse of my son and his eventual passing. \
I believe that i needed to feel the feelings, be patient with my self-- understanding that loss and grief are painful and canot be rushed. I had to keep participating, as you are doing,praying, allowing my family to be themselves and trust that in HP's time I would be restored.
It did happen a few years ago however the restoration is different AS i AM different in I experience the Holiday Season. The missing is still there however it is supplemented with charming memories of the way we were, which i treasure
Enjoy yoru new pup and your life You re indeed a treasure
Lyne said
Dec 29, 2018
Josie , I also can relate to your share as my holiday was a mix of blessings and great sadness. I noticed you saying you need a break. Can you arrange that even in a small way? Movie? Massage? Hike in the woods? Sometimes I just have to do what's good for me so I can stay on track. It sounds like you are trying very hard. Give yourself what you need! Lyne
Iamhere said
Dec 29, 2018
(((Jozie))) - So very, very sorry for your pain. I also find the holiday season to be taxing, stressful, and at times dreadful. I always approach with an open mind, and it's a ton better than it was before recovery yet I am always very grateful when they are over. I tolerate, accept and push through and some days are better than others.
I have been reminded by those who came before me and my sponsor many times that trusting the process and the program is always a great next step. I do find it hard when I am suffering, yet any effort does appear to bring the light back in sooner than later. I do believe in self-care always and breaks are extremely important for me during the holidays and other moments of stress.
I think when things are improving and we feel 'better', we set the damaging effects of this disease in the back of our mind. We hope as we recover that it's been 'tamed', and perhaps even feels like that at moments. Yet, I do now believe that the disease is always present, waiting for us as it's non-curable. Many years, I took extra effort to 'bank' program before the holidays, more meetings, more readings, more phone calls, etc. and it did seem to help greatly. This year, not an option as I was recovering from unexpected surgery. It is what it is and I did survive, as did you! Be gentle with yourself and keep doing what you can - this too shall pass.
I am looking forward to a new year. I am holding on to hope and gratitude just for today. My mom went back home last night, and I am rewarding myself with a lazy day! I actually went back to bed, and slept in until 9:30 - have not done that in more than 30 years! Please know you are not alone and keep coming back...
mamalioness said
Dec 29, 2018
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jozie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) been there too, my friend........Take extra good care of you, like I am doing me.....it does pass.............and you are NOT, in anyway, shape or form, alone.......We got you kiddo!!!!!
SerenityRUS said
Dec 29, 2018
Big hugs Jozie .. for something that is not suppose to be a fact .. feelings are tough. .i'm very sorry this is a difficult time. Gratitude lists help at least change my perspective of the now and i'm reminded .. when things are bad don't worry this too shall pass .. when things are good .. don't worry this too shall pass. It's ok not to be ok .. just don't live there. Many hugs my friend. S :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 29, 2018
Huge hugs from me, Jozie!
To answer your question, yes, I have been there. To that place.
This holiday season was especially hard... a lot of looking back... which I ended up understanding was not really good for me at this point!
What I held onto was the slogan, "This too shall pass." I have to admit, when I first came here I thought that slogan was especially trite. Turns out, it can be a beacon of light to hold onto when all else seems dark. Go figure! The Vets are right! LOL!
I have found self-care and exposure to sunlight during this time has been extremely beneficial! So, walks in the sunlight (easy for CA), or invest in a SAD lamp( if you live in the midwest or east)... then massage and/or pedicures.
But you seem to be doing all the right things in regards to journaling your feelings, being present in the moment, reaching out here, etc. Perhaps you are moving towards a new level of acceptance, and your psyche is pushing back a little? Only your HP knows. So keep checking in here... as Rose said, "We got you!"
Peace & Light
Jozie said
Dec 29, 2018
Thank you all so Much, I've been Sitting in this for awhile and there is a lot of Factors to it as well. Tho I Have been Making my Meetings, one of My Main Components what have helped me over these Hurdles in the past has Took sick, and She has been Missing from our Meetings since October! And I use to Call her Often and She always Knew Just where to Set me straight, but her Health has not been well so she has been staying with her Estranged Daughter that isn't in Program, Nor does she Respond to Text, calls, or Letters... But the Last thing I Heard was My Friend is Slowly Coming around and we are All Praying she is Back in her Own Home Within the Next Month <3 So I Realized I had been Grieving her Loss for Months, so I Sat down and Wrote her a Letter, and I Hope they was Kind enough to Read it to her... As She is Also Blind :/
I have Many Program Friends, here & at my F2F... And She has been in Program 35 yrs so she knows it inside out and backwards... and she isn't afraid to set me straight when I'm Stumbling over my own Drama... So I guess I'm Missing her dearly as well as Struggling to move thru this current Pain...
One of My Many Character Defects is that I HATE To Complain... I Hate to Wallow in Self Pity, yet that is where I have been this last few weeks... I know this too shall pass, and Believe Me I tell myself that Daily waiting... Not so Patiently for it to happen...
Yesterday I Dear Friend I haven't seen in awhile, "Just Happened" to Stop by, and For Whatever Reason, She Listen to me for Two hours, and She Lifted me and Gave me a Better Perspective in what I'm Moving thru, She isn't in Program, but she has dabbled in it a time or two, but she has Known me since Birth, so She knows my History, and Many of the Things I battle in my Head All the time...
Taking care of me has been put on the back burner as of Late, and I know that's a lot of it... The Weather has Not Allowed me to get out and be in Nature like I Love to be, and the Sun has been Non-Existent, So That Kills me too... I'm on the East Coast, so Rain has been on the Horizon for Some time it Seems, and as much as I Enjoy a Night Rain Storm, This year has been over the top for Rain, flooding, and Not Getting out...
So There is all my Excuses, Now I have to Get off My Hump and Do something about it... I'm Not a Mani/Pedi Kinda Girl, but I would Love a Spa day, and May Look into that... I can't Remember the last time I Had a Massage so that does sound good...But I Need to Pull up the Big Girls and Get to Work...
Thank you all so Much for Understanding and Not Judging Me... I don't like this Spot I'm in, and I'm Truly Trying to Change it, and Not Take it out of Others... So I'm Definitely a Work in Progress...
AGAIN Thank you ALL for Responding, I Plan to Read Each as Many times as I Need them till I Come out the Other Side of this... Just Please know I'm Grateful
Jozie
JerryF said
Dec 29, 2018
Sister I learned that depression is a HUGE PART of our disease and also the chemical. Alcohol is a chemical depressant. When I also learned that my mind, body, spirit and emotions would learn how our disease acts and can have that triggered again and again without my permission I was supremely grateful for the first words of our First Step...admitted I was powerless. Why then should I struggle with it.? My sponsor and early program taught me the great behavior tool of "Act as if" and when I think and or feel that I am stuck with the negative characteristics of this disease when having the experience of the positive characteristics I can act out the positive ones and get the consequences back.
My soul cannot and will not hurt today as it use to because I have recovery examples and outcomes near at hand.
I know you have the same experiences sister...act them out again and be reminded of how this works. Thanks for being in my recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Jozie said
Dec 31, 2018
(((((Brother)))))
Could Never Thank you Enough for your Program, Your Wisdom & Your Love...
Funny what Can Shift us, back to where we Need to Be, For Me Yesterday... I have a Sponsee that was Struggling and when she Reached Out Yesterday, I Prayed to HP that I Would be the Light She Needed to Get back on Track... And when I Hung up the Phone with her, She was Not Only in a Better Place, but Me Listening to what HP Gave me For Her, I Feel was Just as Much for Me....
And then I Come Here and You Say it again :) That is HP at Work, I Just Need to Listen Better... Because I Am Powerless, and if I'm in Full Acceptance I know that to be True... And I've Learned with me "Acting as if" is Good, as Long as I don't Stay there... I have to Pull out the Positive... And I Have Plenty of It, Sometimes I just Need Reminded it Still Exist :)
Also My Local Group was Closed Christmas Day due to everyone having Holiday Plans (We live in a Small town) so I was Down a Meeting, but they also Spoke of Not Holding one on New Years Day, and I Offered to Go Open the meeting, because even if Only One Person Shows, We Got a Meeting, and If that is what HP has in store for me, then I'll Be there to Lift them also to the place I So Desire to Go...
So I'm Swimming :) Even on This Yucky Yet Again Rainy Day... I'm Swimming :) Progress Not Perfection... One MOMENT at a Time :)
Forever Grateful
Jozie (((((((hugs brother)))))
JerryF said
Dec 31, 2018
Mahalo Jozie. I got to it just now and had to laugh at the present similarities though we are miles (only) apart. Nothing I can do about our rain here or yours there except accept that lots of stuff will get wet, the grass is going to grow faster, the sun will stay behind the clouds, the ground will get wetter and soggier and attempt to pull my slippers of my feet and more on. It is what it is I'll go inside and watch the game with my spouse and pretend better scenes. was going to go do some program service and decided to wait a day or two because of the holiday conditions. I will rely on a "Oh Well attitude and accept the consequences" Living dangerously. (((hugs)))
Temple said
Jan 12, 2019
Jozie--
You've been on my mind. I was concerned when you posted days ago and wrote a Chapter in response--but in my journal.
I was going to suggest you check out full spectrum lights--Ott lights if they still have them.
And even a light array--it can make a big difference in people with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I always open the blinds and let in all the light I can in winter and on gloomy days I turn on all the house lights.
Got excited reading all the information about St. John's Wort that Rosie posted to my thread asking for prayers, etc.
I thought--Oh this could be great for Jozie--but then they don't recommend it for people with severe depression. Mine is just garden variety depression.
I also wondered if you could take a vacation in the middle of the dark--and Dec. 22 is the darkest day--so late Dec. or Jan might be a good time? and go someplace sunny and warm. Being on a beach but in the shade and without glasses or sunglasses is good for everything.
And I also encouraged you to give Jozie a Christmas present and spend as much time as you want with family. BTW--I love to fly on Christmas Day. You have lots of space on the plane and short lines. They will all live if you go someplace else. Pinky promise.
Well, I think that empties my head. Take anything useful and forgive me for trying to "fix" you. Just a tad Cody here. Guffaw.
Hey Family...
To Say I've had a Blessed Holiday would be an Understatement... I have Had So Many Wonderful Moments with my Kids, Grandkids, Nieces & Nephews, Mom, Siblings, and Friends...Even got a New Puppy to Love... and Her Name too is "Jozie" :D
But For what ever Reason, My Heart is Just In Such Pain... I Know some of it is Grief, in Missing those I Lost before, but then It Feels like the Other is...
I Try So Hard to be Happy, and Present in my Life, and then I Hit this Wave where I Wonder... "IS there More Out there?" I Keep Believing Maybe there is Just Something Wrong with Me? Winter Depression has Always been an Issue but this Year it is Just Different... It Just Feels like My Soul has been Cryin for So Long, its Not Sure what "Happy" is any more...
I want to Blame my "Non Compassionate" Husband at times for Not Noticing, for Not being Open to Listening or Talking about "MY" Issues, seems all we talk about any more is HIS Issues, Work, and Negativity, and I Feel it is Just getting worse... And when I Allow myself to Live Only in His ICK, I Feel like someone is Holding my Head Under Water! I have Spoke up, and Said, ENOUGH already, Find your Positive and Come back because Negative Projecting is getting us No Where... But Nothing... More Shut Down, More Turn Off...
But I Know he Don't Run My Feelings, I Do.. and I know I Shouldn't Expect him to Fill this Void, yet I Feel he has Just Given up on US and is Ok being Roommates... :/ Which Makes me Feel WORSE As a Woman! If that Makes Sense at all :/
I'm Grateful I have Held My Sobriety in Check, and I Feel Pretty Confident that regardless of what is Next for me, I think I Can Keep it that way, I don't feel Weak there! but Just my Soul Hurts...
I've had Tests Run thinking Maybe its that time in my life where My Body is just Tired, but Nope, No Signs there! I have Lost 15lbs in the Last Month (tho I'm Grateful its Gone!) it Isn't because of Diet or Exercise? I Feel like Stress is Eating a Hole in my stomach again, and I haven't had this Feeling in a Very Long Time! Decades really...
I have Prayed Non Stop for a Month for Answers, and I know its God's Will... and I'm Trying So Hard to be Patient, and Practice my Program daily, but I Just feel like the Brick is Tied to my Ankle and I'm Getting Know where...
Has Anyone else Felt this way? And If So... HOW Did you Swim up Out... What have you Tried? I'm Grateful for Any Thoughts, ESH, Prayers, Good Vibes, what ever you have Available...
I Just feel like I Need a Time Out from Life, but Just don't know how to Get that without Hurting People, but at the same time, Feel if I Don't I'm Going to Snap!
Thanks for Listening... Know that I'm Grateful for you all and Hope you all had a Wonderful Holiday and Have a Very Blessed New Year to Come :)
Thanks for being Here
Jozie
I believe that i needed to feel the feelings, be patient with my self-- understanding that loss and grief are painful and canot be rushed. I had to keep participating, as you are doing,praying, allowing my family to be themselves and trust that in HP's time I would be restored.
It did happen a few years ago however the restoration is different AS i AM different in I experience the Holiday Season. The missing is still there however it is supplemented with charming memories of the way we were, which i treasure
Enjoy yoru new pup and your life You re indeed a treasure
I have been reminded by those who came before me and my sponsor many times that trusting the process and the program is always a great next step. I do find it hard when I am suffering, yet any effort does appear to bring the light back in sooner than later. I do believe in self-care always and breaks are extremely important for me during the holidays and other moments of stress.
I think when things are improving and we feel 'better', we set the damaging effects of this disease in the back of our mind. We hope as we recover that it's been 'tamed', and perhaps even feels like that at moments. Yet, I do now believe that the disease is always present, waiting for us as it's non-curable. Many years, I took extra effort to 'bank' program before the holidays, more meetings, more readings, more phone calls, etc. and it did seem to help greatly. This year, not an option as I was recovering from unexpected surgery. It is what it is and I did survive, as did you! Be gentle with yourself and keep doing what you can - this too shall pass.
I am looking forward to a new year. I am holding on to hope and gratitude just for today. My mom went back home last night, and I am rewarding myself with a lazy day! I actually went back to bed, and slept in until 9:30 - have not done that in more than 30 years! Please know you are not alone and keep coming back...
To answer your question, yes, I have been there. To that place.
This holiday season was especially hard... a lot of looking back... which I ended up understanding was not really good for me at this point!
What I held onto was the slogan, "This too shall pass." I have to admit, when I first came here I thought that slogan was especially trite. Turns out, it can be a beacon of light to hold onto when all else seems dark. Go figure! The Vets are right! LOL!
I have found self-care and exposure to sunlight during this time has been extremely beneficial! So, walks in the sunlight (easy for CA), or invest in a SAD lamp( if you live in the midwest or east)... then massage and/or pedicures.
But you seem to be doing all the right things in regards to journaling your feelings, being present in the moment, reaching out here, etc. Perhaps you are moving towards a new level of acceptance, and your psyche is pushing back a little? Only your HP knows. So keep checking in here... as Rose said, "We got you!"
Peace & Light
I have Many Program Friends, here & at my F2F... And She has been in Program 35 yrs so she knows it inside out and backwards... and she isn't afraid to set me straight when I'm Stumbling over my own Drama... So I guess I'm Missing her dearly as well as Struggling to move thru this current Pain...
One of My Many Character Defects is that I HATE To Complain... I Hate to Wallow in Self Pity, yet that is where I have been this last few weeks... I know this too shall pass, and Believe Me I tell myself that Daily waiting... Not so Patiently for it to happen...
Yesterday I Dear Friend I haven't seen in awhile, "Just Happened" to Stop by, and For Whatever Reason, She Listen to me for Two hours, and She Lifted me and Gave me a Better Perspective in what I'm Moving thru, She isn't in Program, but she has dabbled in it a time or two, but she has Known me since Birth, so She knows my History, and Many of the Things I battle in my Head All the time...
Taking care of me has been put on the back burner as of Late, and I know that's a lot of it... The Weather has Not Allowed me to get out and be in Nature like I Love to be, and the Sun has been Non-Existent, So That Kills me too... I'm on the East Coast, so Rain has been on the Horizon for Some time it Seems, and as much as I Enjoy a Night Rain Storm, This year has been over the top for Rain, flooding, and Not Getting out...
So There is all my Excuses, Now I have to Get off My Hump and Do something about it... I'm Not a Mani/Pedi Kinda Girl, but I would Love a Spa day, and May Look into that... I can't Remember the last time I Had a Massage so that does sound good...But I Need to Pull up the Big Girls and Get to Work...
Thank you all so Much for Understanding and Not Judging Me... I don't like this Spot I'm in, and I'm Truly Trying to Change it, and Not Take it out of Others... So I'm Definitely a Work in Progress...
AGAIN Thank you ALL for Responding, I Plan to Read Each as Many times as I Need them till I Come out the Other Side of this... Just Please know I'm Grateful
Jozie
Sister I learned that depression is a HUGE PART of our disease and also the chemical. Alcohol is a chemical depressant. When I also learned that my mind, body, spirit and emotions would learn how our disease acts and can have that triggered again and again without my permission I was supremely grateful for the first words of our First Step...admitted I was powerless. Why then should I struggle with it.? My sponsor and early program taught me the great behavior tool of "Act as if" and when I think and or feel that I am stuck with the negative characteristics of this disease when having the experience of the positive characteristics I can act out the positive ones and get the consequences back.
My soul cannot and will not hurt today as it use to because I have recovery examples and outcomes near at hand.
I know you have the same experiences sister...act them out again and be reminded of how this works. Thanks for being in my recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Could Never Thank you Enough for your Program, Your Wisdom & Your Love...
Funny what Can Shift us, back to where we Need to Be, For Me Yesterday... I have a Sponsee that was Struggling and when she Reached Out Yesterday, I Prayed to HP that I Would be the Light She Needed to Get back on Track... And when I Hung up the Phone with her, She was Not Only in a Better Place, but Me Listening to what HP Gave me For Her, I Feel was Just as Much for Me....
And then I Come Here and You Say it again :) That is HP at Work, I Just Need to Listen Better... Because I Am Powerless, and if I'm in Full Acceptance I know that to be True... And I've Learned with me "Acting as if" is Good, as Long as I don't Stay there... I have to Pull out the Positive... And I Have Plenty of It, Sometimes I just Need Reminded it Still Exist :)
Also My Local Group was Closed Christmas Day due to everyone having Holiday Plans (We live in a Small town) so I was Down a Meeting, but they also Spoke of Not Holding one on New Years Day, and I Offered to Go Open the meeting, because even if Only One Person Shows, We Got a Meeting, and If that is what HP has in store for me, then I'll Be there to Lift them also to the place I So Desire to Go...
So I'm Swimming :) Even on This Yucky Yet Again Rainy Day... I'm Swimming :) Progress Not Perfection... One MOMENT at a Time :)
Forever Grateful
Jozie
Mahalo Jozie. I got to it just now and had to laugh at the present similarities though we are miles (only) apart. Nothing I can do about our rain here or yours there except accept that lots of stuff will get wet, the grass is going to grow faster, the sun will stay behind the clouds, the ground will get wetter and soggier and attempt to pull my slippers of my feet and more on. It is what it is I'll go inside and watch the game with my spouse and pretend better scenes. was going to go do some program service and decided to wait a day or two because of the holiday conditions. I will rely on a "Oh Well attitude and accept the consequences" Living dangerously. (((hugs)))
You've been on my mind. I was concerned when you posted days ago and wrote a Chapter in response--but in my journal.
I was going to suggest you check out full spectrum lights--Ott lights if they still have them.
And even a light array--it can make a big difference in people with Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I always open the blinds and let in all the light I can in winter and on gloomy days I turn on all the house lights.
Got excited reading all the information about St. John's Wort that Rosie posted to my thread asking for prayers, etc.
I thought--Oh this could be great for Jozie--but then they don't recommend it for people with severe depression. Mine is just garden variety depression.
I also wondered if you could take a vacation in the middle of the dark--and Dec. 22 is the darkest day--so late Dec. or Jan might be a good time? and go someplace sunny and warm. Being on a beach but in the shade and without glasses or sunglasses is good for everything.
And I also encouraged you to give Jozie a Christmas present and spend as much time as you want with family. BTW--I love to fly on Christmas Day. You have lots of space on the plane and short lines. They will all live if you go someplace else. Pinky promise.
Well, I think that empties my head. Take anything useful and forgive me for trying to "fix" you. Just a tad Cody here. Guffaw.
Loves,
Temple