I've been reading this Ebook by a Dr. Susan Hass about self care and I took away the following points on her dealing with resentments...
Resentments add to stress levels..They cause frustration..The sap your energy
Maybe you got sucked into doing that thing again that noone else wanted to do
Maybe the people in your life expect you to be all things to all people
Maybe you need help w/juggling your responsibilities at work, home, family, etc. and you're tired of being the person that everyone automatically relies on..The one that everyone expects to do everything
It is good to be conscientious, responsible, hard-working, reliable, etc., but it has LIMITS..And if you've hit your limit, or even close to it, something's got to change
If you frequently feel resentment about your life or circumstances, maybe there is someone who takes advantage of you, regularly and you feel helpless
OR , maybe you are not very good at speaking up about things that need to change..So you say nothing and then obsess about how unfair things are
Resentment means - something is wrong--its a red flag that needs attentionn..In many cases something in your situation is wrong or unfair and needs to change...it might be that your raction is the issue, not the circumstances
the next time you feel resentful, try these ways to sort them out
1..practice noticng resentful feelings and explore their roots
when resentment strikes., dont' ignore it, work the steps on it..why?? where is it coming from?? what is my part?? what can I do to change this?? Learn to catch yourself whever this hits..First, stop the ruminating as it only adds to stress..Next commit to figuring out WHY you are so upset and what needs to change
2..Journal about your resentment
wrting things down give a clearer perspective..writing, clarifies things
when we are upset, our right brain takes over and we spin unproductively around and around negative emotions..Putting pen to paper gets our more rational problem solving left brain back into the game..to avoid a lot of uncecessary complaining or confrontation, Write about it..Journal it
When Journaling you can identify
whats bothering you
Why is it bothering you
who or what is at fault
how you may be contributing to the problem
what can you do to change things
what your next step could be
3..reach out for support
go to a meeting..call your therapist if you have one...call a recovery mate or trusted friend...reach out
4..speak up
Once you've identified the source of the resentment its good to speak up respectfully, if someting needs to change..If someone steps on our toes/violates a boundary, SAY something..Make them aware that they are violating your boundaries, but you have to SET the boundary first.."Here is whats going on and this is what I am going to do to change me"....then stand up to it, if they don't need your boundary...
5..manage your reactions
Be aware of the toll that resentment or frsutration is taking on you..Even if you're in a situation that you don't hve much control over, like a toxic boss or co-worker, you can still manage the reaction..catch your mind when it starts obsessing and focus it on something else..what can you do to take care of you?? detachment?? minimizing contact..breathing deeply...take a walk or flex your muscles if you can't go for a walk and burn off the bad energy...A bad boss can't do much with an employee who just does his/her work and does not engage in negative exchanges..the ole "kill them with kindness" when you absolutely have to deal with them...
bottom line: don't let resentments take over you...Step back...acknowledge them, analyze them, take appropriate action...
HOW to speak up
1..Is it a good time??
will there be enough time to go through it all w/out rushing?? what kind of mood is he/she in?? you??
2..Will they listen??
IF they are toxic?? don't care?? then save your energy...leave if you can or distance if it is a boss and you can't replace the job yet...but don't try and talk with them..they wont' care, they won't listen..You will just have to come up with ways to take care of you and put yoru "emotional sunscreen" on when around toxic people..if it is a friend?? well, a friend would not do this to you...do a step 4 as to why you keep this relationship
3...How to speak , in orer to be heard
Tone of voice is key...take time out if upset..wait until you can talk calmly, kindly with firmness, and keep the focus on you...
before you speak up..GET CLEAR on what it is that is bothering you and why you need to speak up...plan how to express this effetively...choose your timing well
4..Identify when you need to say NO
You don't have to tell them why, but YOU need to understand so you can find the strength and the words....again...get clear with you
5..Honor your emotions..If you stuff your emotions, work the steps on why you are dong...what are you avoiding?? Hiding?? Identify the truth of your emotions..when you stuff your emotions, ask yourself, what are you missing out on??? is it hurting your relationships to not be open??? when you are ready and situation is safe, start telling key people how you really feel
4..Wise help and support
Meetings...ESH from caring recovery partners, coming here to share and get feedback...work with sponsor or a trusted recovery mate...
Even if you have lived your life, pretending and hiding, it is never too late to speak your truth..It may feel awkward at first, but its worth it....
Holding all that truth inside, saps your energy...it is ALWAYS good to be real and with practice, you can find the wisdom and courage to do it....
Maresie said
Dec 27, 2018
I have been toxic with resentment most.of.my adult life.
I certainly still have resentments and I take active note of them. I know they require action in my part.
Boundaries are a lot easier for me these days but they are still challenging.
I.am glad you posted this article. The holidays are a particularly stressful time. My expectations of the holiday are generally way off and that caused me tremendous problems. I was very very resistant to examining my expectations.
Generally ar work I have tremendous resentments but I have been able to get out if the way of a lot of them Nevertheless they are still there and I have to monitor them.
Maresie
mamalioness said
Dec 27, 2018
Hey Maresie, thank you for your honest/brave share and I hear ya, my fellow traveler...I am working on cleansing my resentments..."Any thing that does not serve me for the good, I release it unto the universe" and I do my mantras, but FIRST I have to feel the feelings...trace their origins....sort them out....(step 4) and then action on self care
I Had a BMF across the street who is a loner but has been my best male friend for 25 years...He sorta went MIA of late..so I knocked on his door to check up on him....texted him....I waited intervals between so as to not "stalk him" but yea, several wellness checks and ignored and I KNOW hes ALIVE because he puts his trash out, gets his mail, etc.
so last night I text him and said "I know U R still breathing...if I did someting please tell me, don't just ignore me, let me know if I did /said something so we can sort it out"
He writes back that "its not all about you...the world is not revolving around you...I just want nothing further to do with any of you neighbors"
I looked at that text....breathed.....made sure I read it right........yep, i read it right.......I waited till I could sort out my feelings of #1, anger #2, resentment at this cruel remark
finally, later on today, I texted him back "IF I thought the world revolved around ME, I would not be doing welfare checks on YOU---HP bless you and have a good life"
I hit the send button and determined that the only thing I cna do is shoulders back...smile on my face....go about life and be damned grateful that I still, after all my pain, want to be a part of LIFE and PEOPLE...even when they are (people) a pain in the butt, there are GOOD ones out there, and I trust me to know whom to make contact wiht and whom to avoid.....
I had a nice day today with my attitude.....resentful??? nope...I'm sad for him...I feel tremendous compassion for one who gave up his ONLY true friend
nobody wants him, as he has HIV, but I loved him anyway...He tossed that in my face today...Am I sorry i loved him??? Nope!!! Not at all!! I think only of the good!!! I am sad for HIM that he tossed away the only good little friend who wanted nothing from him but his friendship and he threw it away.....I can't help him, but I can sure help me and I am going to...Commited to self aware...self care......and MORE self aware...self care....that means changing me from within....I am ready for my good!!! I am ready for love and abundance and good health and healthy self expression...all of which are my right as a child of this universe who is working her butt off, striving to be a better human being
IN SUPPORT
mamalioness said
Dec 27, 2018
I will be at a client's TEN years this Jan 2..They did'nt even do a gesture for me at Christmas...I'm going in tomorrow because I need the $$..Can't take a full vaca. because bills need to be paid.....Now I know they are struggling, but they and another rather large client didn't even think of me....And they aint shy about blowing money on stupid stuff.....Yet on the otherhand, the guy I see maybe every other month thought of me...showed his appreciation and gave me $100....
The other two??? yea, at first I was hurt..Then resentment kicked in...I wrote my self a journal...Why was i pissed?? And I guess it is because of the efforts I put into them, thinking it was more than a JOB...but ya know??? business is business...I am just a worker....expendable...replaceable....can I change them and how they respect/appreciate me or not??? NO!!!
I have my ad in again and THIS time, IF soemone comes up and its stable..solid..better drive...good money ( I have my set rates and I won't come down--I'm worth what I charge) , I won't, this time say 'oh well, Fri. and Wed. are pretty much taken" NO!! Not going to do that...IF they want me every week, and it happens to be on a Friday??? or a Wednesday??? then guess what!!! I am going to put my needs first....I will do what is right...give notice, make every effort to do their year end close out (easy because my work is always up to date) and I will do what is right, but its time I do what is right by me
I told my HP within, "I am READY for my next good opportunity...The one that is just for me" and I mean it...
I can sit ans stew over their dissing me or I can change ME...I choose to change ME...let it go....keep my ad out...and be OPEN, EVEN if it is on one of their days, If I get a chance at a solid, good, steady as can be, company and they want me???? i am taking it...Of course I will research, surrender it to my higher self, etc., work my program on it, but I'm going to take care of ME!!!
Just making this commitment to myself and taking care of myself...No more favors on my time...If they want something on MY time, I am charging...No little "extras" as a favor....Nope!!! I will tell them upfront...I am putting this extra on my invoice when I come in...They agree or they wait till I come in.....I feel better making the decision to set and stand firm to new boundaries...and making the decision that I am not "glued to them" I am just another worker and if something better comes up??? I'm gone.......And I am putting that energy out there.....I checked my motives...its not a "back at ya" its just me facing realilty that I am not anything more than just a worker...They know how hard I have it...But I got zero and I've been at one job for Ten years, always in the past got something, and the other one for eight, he used to "pad" my check a bit....this year?? zero....so OK...I accept...I accept and realize that I can only take care of me...Go to work...do my thing..do it well....No extra little favors unless I get paid for it.....Giving too much of myself and not even a thank you!!! The other , small client did...He showed me he appreciates me....
Anyway, I feel waaay less resentful, making commitment to take care of me, while doing what is right, I'm taking care of me....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Thursday 27th of December 2018 10:40:37 PM
Maresie said
Dec 28, 2018
I am not toxified with resentment as I once was Nevertheless I have real challenges with my neighbors, with work situations and lately with the suicide of a friend of mine 2 years ago.
This past week I learned some if the details of my friends suicide from someone who was there I worked with this person who knew about it. Of course my natural fallback is resentment at the people around him I am resentful that I have to deal with this so much.for my compassion
I can find myself pretty paralyzed around resentment about many issues and some of my neighbors are some of them.
I have to go one day at a time about that. My resentments can build up into a sintering rage if I am not careful.
For me it is a day to day issue with resentment I definitely have to deal with then and there are some things that I find terribly difficult even after several years in the program .
DEALING WITH RESENTMENTS
I've been reading this Ebook by a Dr. Susan Hass about self care and I took away the following points on her dealing with resentments...
Resentments add to stress levels..They cause frustration..The sap your energy
Maybe you got sucked into doing that thing again that noone else wanted to do
Maybe the people in your life expect you to be all things to all people
Maybe you need help w/juggling your responsibilities at work, home, family, etc. and you're tired of being the person that everyone automatically relies on..The one that everyone expects to do everything
It is good to be conscientious, responsible, hard-working, reliable, etc., but it has LIMITS..And if you've hit your limit, or even close to it, something's got to change
If you frequently feel resentment about your life or circumstances, maybe there is someone who takes advantage of you, regularly and you feel helpless
OR , maybe you are not very good at speaking up about things that need to change..So you say nothing and then obsess about how unfair things are
Resentment means - something is wrong--its a red flag that needs attentionn..In many cases something in your situation is wrong or unfair and needs to change...it might be that your raction is the issue, not the circumstances
the next time you feel resentful, try these ways to sort them out
1..practice noticng resentful feelings and explore their roots
when resentment strikes., dont' ignore it, work the steps on it..why?? where is it coming from?? what is my part?? what can I do to change this?? Learn to catch yourself whever this hits..First, stop the ruminating as it only adds to stress..Next commit to figuring out WHY you are so upset and what needs to change
2..Journal about your resentment
wrting things down give a clearer perspective..writing, clarifies things
when we are upset, our right brain takes over and we spin unproductively around and around negative emotions..Putting pen to paper gets our more rational problem solving left brain back into the game..to avoid a lot of uncecessary complaining or confrontation, Write about it..Journal it
When Journaling you can identify
whats bothering you
Why is it bothering you
who or what is at fault
how you may be contributing to the problem
what can you do to change things
what your next step could be
3..reach out for support
go to a meeting..call your therapist if you have one...call a recovery mate or trusted friend...reach out
4..speak up
Once you've identified the source of the resentment its good to speak up respectfully, if someting needs to change..If someone steps on our toes/violates a boundary, SAY something..Make them aware that they are violating your boundaries, but you have to SET the boundary first.."Here is whats going on and this is what I am going to do to change me"....then stand up to it, if they don't need your boundary...
5..manage your reactions
Be aware of the toll that resentment or frsutration is taking on you..Even if you're in a situation that you don't hve much control over, like a toxic boss or co-worker, you can still manage the reaction..catch your mind when it starts obsessing and focus it on something else..what can you do to take care of you?? detachment?? minimizing contact..breathing deeply...take a walk or flex your muscles if you can't go for a walk and burn off the bad energy...A bad boss can't do much with an employee who just does his/her work and does not engage in negative exchanges..the ole "kill them with kindness" when you absolutely have to deal with them...
bottom line: don't let resentments take over you...Step back...acknowledge them, analyze them, take appropriate action...
HOW to speak up
1..Is it a good time??
will there be enough time to go through it all w/out rushing?? what kind of mood is he/she in?? you??
2..Will they listen??
IF they are toxic?? don't care?? then save your energy...leave if you can or distance if it is a boss and you can't replace the job yet...but don't try and talk with them..they wont' care, they won't listen..You will just have to come up with ways to take care of you and put yoru "emotional sunscreen" on when around toxic people..if it is a friend?? well, a friend would not do this to you...do a step 4 as to why you keep this relationship
3...How to speak , in orer to be heard
Tone of voice is key...take time out if upset..wait until you can talk calmly, kindly with firmness, and keep the focus on you...
before you speak up..GET CLEAR on what it is that is bothering you and why you need to speak up...plan how to express this effetively...choose your timing well
4..Identify when you need to say NO
You don't have to tell them why, but YOU need to understand so you can find the strength and the words....again...get clear with you
5..Honor your emotions..If you stuff your emotions, work the steps on why you are dong...what are you avoiding?? Hiding?? Identify the truth of your emotions..when you stuff your emotions, ask yourself, what are you missing out on??? is it hurting your relationships to not be open??? when you are ready and situation is safe, start telling key people how you really feel
4..Wise help and support
Meetings...ESH from caring recovery partners, coming here to share and get feedback...work with sponsor or a trusted recovery mate...
Even if you have lived your life, pretending and hiding, it is never too late to speak your truth..It may feel awkward at first, but its worth it....
Holding all that truth inside, saps your energy...it is ALWAYS good to be real and with practice, you can find the wisdom and courage to do it....
I have been toxic with resentment most.of.my adult life.
I certainly still have resentments and I take active note of them. I know they require action in my part.
Boundaries are a lot easier for me these days but they are still challenging.
I.am glad you posted this article. The holidays are a particularly stressful time. My expectations of the holiday are generally way off and that caused me tremendous problems. I was very very resistant to examining my expectations.
Generally ar work I have tremendous resentments but I have been able to get out if the way of a lot of them Nevertheless they are still there and I have to monitor them.
Maresie
I Had a BMF across the street who is a loner but has been my best male friend for 25 years...He sorta went MIA of late..so I knocked on his door to check up on him....texted him....I waited intervals between so as to not "stalk him" but yea, several wellness checks and ignored and I KNOW hes ALIVE because he puts his trash out, gets his mail, etc.
so last night I text him and said "I know U R still breathing...if I did someting please tell me, don't just ignore me, let me know if I did /said something so we can sort it out"
He writes back that "its not all about you...the world is not revolving around you...I just want nothing further to do with any of you neighbors"
I looked at that text....breathed.....made sure I read it right........yep, i read it right.......I waited till I could sort out my feelings of #1, anger #2, resentment at this cruel remark
finally, later on today, I texted him back "IF I thought the world revolved around ME, I would not be doing welfare checks on YOU---HP bless you and have a good life"
I hit the send button and determined that the only thing I cna do is shoulders back...smile on my face....go about life and be damned grateful that I still, after all my pain, want to be a part of LIFE and PEOPLE...even when they are (people) a pain in the butt, there are GOOD ones out there, and I trust me to know whom to make contact wiht and whom to avoid.....
I had a nice day today with my attitude.....resentful??? nope...I'm sad for him...I feel tremendous compassion for one who gave up his ONLY true friend
nobody wants him, as he has HIV, but I loved him anyway...He tossed that in my face today...Am I sorry i loved him??? Nope!!! Not at all!! I think only of the good!!! I am sad for HIM that he tossed away the only good little friend who wanted nothing from him but his friendship and he threw it away.....I can't help him, but I can sure help me and I am going to...Commited to self aware...self care......and MORE self aware...self care....that means changing me from within....I am ready for my good!!! I am ready for love and abundance and good health and healthy self expression...all of which are my right as a child of this universe who is working her butt off, striving to be a better human being
IN SUPPORT
I will be at a client's TEN years this Jan 2..They did'nt even do a gesture for me at Christmas...I'm going in tomorrow because I need the $$..Can't take a full vaca. because bills need to be paid.....Now I know they are struggling, but they and another rather large client didn't even think of me....And they aint shy about blowing money on stupid stuff.....Yet on the otherhand, the guy I see maybe every other month thought of me...showed his appreciation and gave me $100....
The other two??? yea, at first I was hurt..Then resentment kicked in...I wrote my self a journal...Why was i pissed?? And I guess it is because of the efforts I put into them, thinking it was more than a JOB...but ya know??? business is business...I am just a worker....expendable...replaceable....can I change them and how they respect/appreciate me or not??? NO!!!
I have my ad in again and THIS time, IF soemone comes up and its stable..solid..better drive...good money ( I have my set rates and I won't come down--I'm worth what I charge) , I won't, this time say 'oh well, Fri. and Wed. are pretty much taken" NO!! Not going to do that...IF they want me every week, and it happens to be on a Friday??? or a Wednesday??? then guess what!!! I am going to put my needs first....I will do what is right...give notice, make every effort to do their year end close out (easy because my work is always up to date) and I will do what is right, but its time I do what is right by me
I told my HP within, "I am READY for my next good opportunity...The one that is just for me" and I mean it...
I can sit ans stew over their dissing me or I can change ME...I choose to change ME...let it go....keep my ad out...and be OPEN, EVEN if it is on one of their days, If I get a chance at a solid, good, steady as can be, company and they want me???? i am taking it...Of course I will research, surrender it to my higher self, etc., work my program on it, but I'm going to take care of ME!!!
Just making this commitment to myself and taking care of myself...No more favors on my time...If they want something on MY time, I am charging...No little "extras" as a favor....Nope!!! I will tell them upfront...I am putting this extra on my invoice when I come in...They agree or they wait till I come in.....I feel better making the decision to set and stand firm to new boundaries...and making the decision that I am not "glued to them" I am just another worker and if something better comes up??? I'm gone.......And I am putting that energy out there.....I checked my motives...its not a "back at ya" its just me facing realilty that I am not anything more than just a worker...They know how hard I have it...But I got zero and I've been at one job for Ten years, always in the past got something, and the other one for eight, he used to "pad" my check a bit....this year?? zero....so OK...I accept...I accept and realize that I can only take care of me...Go to work...do my thing..do it well....No extra little favors unless I get paid for it.....Giving too much of myself and not even a thank you!!! The other , small client did...He showed me he appreciates me....
Anyway, I feel waaay less resentful, making commitment to take care of me, while doing what is right, I'm taking care of me....
-- Edited by mamalioness on Thursday 27th of December 2018 10:40:37 PM
I am not toxified with resentment as I once was Nevertheless I have real challenges with my neighbors, with work situations and lately with the suicide of a friend of mine 2 years ago.
This past week I learned some if the details of my friends suicide from someone who was there I worked with this person who knew about it. Of course my natural fallback is resentment at the people around him I am resentful that I have to deal with this so much.for my compassion
I can find myself pretty paralyzed around resentment about many issues and some of my neighbors are some of them.
I have to go one day at a time about that. My resentments can build up into a sintering rage if I am not careful.
For me it is a day to day issue with resentment I definitely have to deal with then and there are some things that I find terribly difficult even after several years in the program .
Thank you once again for posting this topic
Maresie