I find myself reacting to my AH lately. Maybe its the holidays and the stress and maybe its that his drinking has Increased but wowza am I the crazy one these days. Reacting to every button he tries to push. At first I was disheartened by the feeling that I had a backslide but Ive decided not to hold on to that because it keeps me stuck. Instead Im choosing to be grateful for the awareness as it is an opportunity to change And to grow. i reached my peak of frustration and awareness at the same time when my AH told me I was trying to control him by making him aknowledge what he was doing wrong and I wanted to scream because he is right. I somehow get in my head that he HAS to acknowledge his behaviour for me to feel right or like my opinion is valid. And so I push and nag and argue and get frustrated and react and my behaviour gets worse and worse and suddenly Im the crazy one. My husband is responsible for his behaviour weather he takes it or not is up to him and I am responsible for mine. Im going to detach with love and focus on what I need right now. I know that is always the best answer. I have been too focused on others and lost sight of myself. Thank you HP and thank you for reading.
DavidG said
Dec 23, 2018
Oh vey!
I had a major domestic yesterday... it was over some cherries. Nerves and expectations of a family Christmas... had SO's brother and family in the truck at the time!
We don't have Thanksgiving over here- so Christmas is the biggee!!! I try to take care- and to breathe!!! ...
mamalioness said
Dec 23, 2018
Well that is good that you are aware. And with awareness comes acceptance and then with acceptance comes right action. Sounds to me like youve figured this out and you know what to do about it. So good on you. Keep coming back and keep the focus on yourself, and easy does it, take good care of yourself and let him to his own devices.
And when he says triggering things to you, I have found that sometimes asking a question Kinda nullifies his desire is to trigger you. With confrontational people I will say something like. do you think so? Or hmmm Im going to have to think about that one. Or the good old tried-and-true, gee Im Im sorry you think that way. Or Ill just say the old Al-Anon meeting thingy of thank you for your share. They cant say much to that LOL. I have people or I should say I had people in my life who like to say triggering confrontational things to me and I would just give them the old no drama responses. If I do not pick up the rope they throw at me to play tug-of-war it takes away their power to push my buttons. And I just keep the focus on me and keep trying to work my program one day at a time. Sending you peace
KT2015 said
Dec 23, 2018
Thanks to both of you! That is very helpful!
Iamhere said
Dec 23, 2018
(((KT))) - I hear you - and love that you've discussed (intentional or not) the three A's we talk about in Al-Anon. Awareness, Acceptance & Action. For me, I practice this program to the best of my ability one day at a time and get frustrated at times when the outcomes vary. I can be the picture of grace, dignity and poise at times and then, as you suggest, fall into more reactions instead of responses.
For me, just as with you, I (for whatever reason) forget or deny the power of this disease and the insanity it brings. Especially when/if things have been good for a while. I'd love to say I don't get lazy or become less diligent yet it does seem that when it passes, as it always does, I can look back and see something that I changed that may have affected my acceptance and serenity just long enough to shift from the center of the boat....I love that center position, and try to keep it on my radar screen at all times yet - I am also an imperfect human and will make mistakes.
My mom is visiting and I move out of my room to give her privacy/her own place. This is not new and I am happy to be of service as my room is the only bedroom on the first floor. I have been slowly downsizing and have converted 2 of the bedrooms upstairs into office/project rooms, leaving one. Well - my son landed back here about 6 weeks ago and is in 'that one room'. Which puts me on the couch...close to my mother in case of need since she traveled alone.
My son has no concept of OPT - Old People Time....needless to say, when he comes in at 12, 1, 2, 3.....and I am on the couch, he wakes me up. We had a discussion about it during waking hours, and I felt heard. Boy - was I wrong as that very night, he woke me up at 1am, and expected me to jump out of bed, get the jumper cables and jump start his 'friends' car....I opted out of that and it got reasonably ugly. He did tell me I am wicked when I am woken up and I agreed completely, and suggested in spite of his observations, I was practicing restraint of pen and tongue.
So - for me, take this disease, add to it the time of the year, button-pushing family, guests, disruption, and let's not forget I am still recovering from unexpected emergency surgery and quite frankly, I still see a better version of me than when I arrived - and that's recovery in action!!
Be gentle on you - we're not ever going to be perfect and we're asked to just focus on progress. For me, just being aware that I'm allowing others power over me gives me just enough cause for pause to reconsider what I can be doing to get back to my center. You did just that and have some solutions for your journey! I applaud your recovery as living with active addiction is no walk in the park or picnic!! Just keep doing you and lean into the program - you got this!
So good to see you and I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year too! (((Hugs)))
hotrod said
Dec 23, 2018
Kt this is a diffficult time of year. Seeing our destructive behavior and owning it is great progress. Remember alanon gives us the tools to make amends when necessary, Be very gentle with yourself and others
JerryF said
Dec 23, 2018
Reacting use to be more of a career behavior with me until I put more effort and intention into responding which my sponsor told me that the difference between each was "thinking" He was right on and in reacting I don't thinking before I act...I just act and often my act is not appropriate and often hurtful and caused worse undesired outcomes. I don't like knowing that I made a bad situation worse and so I practice thinking before re-acting. (((hugs)))
I think about desired outcomes and what I can do to get them.
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 24, 2018
Just wanted to give you hugs! ((((((KT)))))
El said
Dec 24, 2018
KT, I so understand and feel the roller coaster over here because I have been reacting more than responding, also. The holidays definitely do make an impact, but I need to take responsibility for my part.
For some reason I still need to point things out to my AH......to tell him what he said, how he behaved or all the mis-deeds he committed according to ME. Why do I do that? I know it doesnt change anything and only adds to the tension. I guess it is to let him know I am the poor victim and to hopefully get him to see his ways and change. Aint Going To Happen.
So, like you....like all of us I have to put the focus back on me. Work on my own mis-deeds and my own recovery. Thank you for your post......it helped me see myself. Merry Christmas to you!
Maresie said
Dec 24, 2018
Reacting is pretty hard to work with. A great deal 9f my issues over the holidays was expectations. I had to get to zero expectations to feel relief
Maresie
Bo said
Dec 24, 2018
Whether it's reacting or responding -- it's something, it's action, whether thoughts, words, behaviors, doesn't matter. Yes, for some people responding is positive and reacting is negative. I get that. It's the label, it's distinguishing between the two. For me, I don't care...it's healthy and unhealthy. Since I found recovery, it's healthy and unhealthy. While it's a high bar to maintain, sometimes I see it has sober and not sober, from my healthy thinking, living, etc. Maybe from my disease -- unhealthy thinking, decisions, living, so forth.
The wanting to be right, prove, get acknowledgement, whatever -- that is our will, our wanting what we want, and to some, that is our disease. If one needs this as affirmation or proof that "my opinion is right" or is "valid" and so on -- look at ego. Not ego like he/she has a big ego, but ego in self, self-will, outward thinking in, etc.
When I have my equivalent of a "slip" -- an unhealthy thought, thought process, action, behavior, etc. -- I am so hard on myself. While the slip only lasts a few minutes -- it used to be hours, days, weeks, even longer -- it's the slippery slope, LOL.
All the best.
KT2015 said
Dec 24, 2018
Thank you all for your responses. Sending you all my love and well wishes for the holidays!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 24, 2018
Sending you love, KT! This part of the year was always the hardest... living with an addicted spouse. I have found not impossible to enjoy, though. But like Bo said, I have to stop needing to "be right," and stay out of the "poor me's." Things have improved due to the divorce, but my emotions are rearing their ugly heads! So, I have to keep the focus on me! LOL!
I find myself reacting to my AH lately. Maybe its the holidays and the stress and maybe its that his drinking has Increased but wowza am I the crazy one these days. Reacting to every button he tries to push. At first I was disheartened by the feeling that I had a backslide but Ive decided not to hold on to that because it keeps me stuck. Instead Im choosing to be grateful for the awareness as it is an opportunity to change And to grow. i reached my peak of frustration and awareness at the same time when my AH told me I was trying to control him by making him aknowledge what he was doing wrong and I wanted to scream because he is right. I somehow get in my head that he HAS to acknowledge his behaviour for me to feel right or like my opinion is valid. And so I push and nag and argue and get frustrated and react and my behaviour gets worse and worse and suddenly Im the crazy one. My husband is responsible for his behaviour weather he takes it or not is up to him and I am responsible for mine. Im going to detach with love and focus on what I need right now. I know that is always the best answer. I have been too focused on others and lost sight of myself. Thank you HP and thank you for reading.
Oh vey!
I had a major domestic yesterday... it was over some cherries. Nerves and expectations of a family Christmas... had SO's brother and family in the truck at the time!
We don't have Thanksgiving over here- so Christmas is the biggee!!! I try to take care- and to breathe!!!
...
And when he says triggering things to you, I have found that sometimes asking a question Kinda nullifies his desire is to trigger you. With confrontational people I will say something like. do you think so? Or hmmm Im going to have to think about that one. Or the good old tried-and-true, gee Im Im sorry you think that way. Or Ill just say the old Al-Anon meeting thingy of thank you for your share. They cant say much to that LOL. I have people or I should say I had people in my life who like to say triggering confrontational things to me and I would just give them the old no drama responses. If I do not pick up the rope they throw at me to play tug-of-war it takes away their power to push my buttons. And I just keep the focus on me and keep trying to work my program one day at a time. Sending you peace
For me, just as with you, I (for whatever reason) forget or deny the power of this disease and the insanity it brings. Especially when/if things have been good for a while. I'd love to say I don't get lazy or become less diligent yet it does seem that when it passes, as it always does, I can look back and see something that I changed that may have affected my acceptance and serenity just long enough to shift from the center of the boat....I love that center position, and try to keep it on my radar screen at all times yet - I am also an imperfect human and will make mistakes.
My mom is visiting and I move out of my room to give her privacy/her own place. This is not new and I am happy to be of service as my room is the only bedroom on the first floor. I have been slowly downsizing and have converted 2 of the bedrooms upstairs into office/project rooms, leaving one. Well - my son landed back here about 6 weeks ago and is in 'that one room'. Which puts me on the couch...close to my mother in case of need since she traveled alone.
My son has no concept of OPT - Old People Time....needless to say, when he comes in at 12, 1, 2, 3.....and I am on the couch, he wakes me up. We had a discussion about it during waking hours, and I felt heard. Boy - was I wrong as that very night, he woke me up at 1am, and expected me to jump out of bed, get the jumper cables and jump start his 'friends' car....I opted out of that and it got reasonably ugly. He did tell me I am wicked when I am woken up and I agreed completely, and suggested in spite of his observations, I was practicing restraint of pen and tongue.
So - for me, take this disease, add to it the time of the year, button-pushing family, guests, disruption, and let's not forget I am still recovering from unexpected emergency surgery and quite frankly, I still see a better version of me than when I arrived - and that's recovery in action!!
Be gentle on you - we're not ever going to be perfect and we're asked to just focus on progress. For me, just being aware that I'm allowing others power over me gives me just enough cause for pause to reconsider what I can be doing to get back to my center. You did just that and have some solutions for your journey! I applaud your recovery as living with active addiction is no walk in the park or picnic!! Just keep doing you and lean into the program - you got this!
So good to see you and I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year too! (((Hugs)))
Kt this is a diffficult time of year. Seeing our destructive behavior and owning it is great progress. Remember alanon gives us the tools to make amends when necessary, Be very gentle with yourself and others
Reacting use to be more of a career behavior with me until I put more effort and intention into responding which my sponsor told me that the difference between each was "thinking" He was right on and in reacting I don't thinking before I act...I just act and often my act is not appropriate and often hurtful and caused worse undesired outcomes. I don't like knowing that I made a bad situation worse and so I practice thinking before re-acting. (((hugs)))
I think about desired outcomes and what I can do to get them.
KT, I so understand and feel the roller coaster over here because I have been reacting more than responding, also. The holidays definitely do make an impact, but I need to take responsibility for my part.
For some reason I still need to point things out to my AH......to tell him what he said, how he behaved or all the mis-deeds he committed according to ME. Why do I do that? I know it doesnt change anything and only adds to the tension. I guess it is to let him know I am the poor victim and to hopefully get him to see his ways and change. Aint Going To Happen.
So, like you....like all of us I have to put the focus back on me. Work on my own mis-deeds and my own recovery. Thank you for your post......it helped me see myself. Merry Christmas to you!
The wanting to be right, prove, get acknowledgement, whatever -- that is our will, our wanting what we want, and to some, that is our disease. If one needs this as affirmation or proof that "my opinion is right" or is "valid" and so on -- look at ego. Not ego like he/she has a big ego, but ego in self, self-will, outward thinking in, etc.
When I have my equivalent of a "slip" -- an unhealthy thought, thought process, action, behavior, etc. -- I am so hard on myself. While the slip only lasts a few minutes -- it used to be hours, days, weeks, even longer -- it's the slippery slope, LOL.
All the best.
Christmas blessings to you!