What a awesome busy recovering Saturday!! I went to my home AA group and took some tree plants from my yard to share with the fellowship and when there expressed how the trees supported my culture of birth and my culture of recovery choice. The trees are known to support healing for the body; children to adults and thru the nuts create condiments with food and include shells which we create items of beauty to wear and gift away. I needed to "gift" them away partly because we have sold our house and I would not be able to do "service" to them. I related how doing service to them anchored me in my giving back to the land which feeds me, the Aina. Another member picked up on the metaphor and also shared how it related to him also and the meeting moved on. At the end of the meeting a gal member shared how she had last night a marvelous dream about coming to forgiveness of her mother and the treatment she received from her mother while the disease hurt her mom so badly and her dream had none of the hurt, the pain, she was free of it for once and so happy.
She didn't know her share was triggering me as at one time I also lived with an abusive mother not understanding or even knowing I might know what was driving her abusive attitude and behaviors against me. Punishment was the usual behavior rather than expressed love and acceptance from very young until the night I left home at 18 years of age and even at that night I was threatened with "not being so old that I could not get a slap". I'm no martyr in the humble sense I am a fighter and person of studied violence of which much of my 9th step amends were about. Anyway when this share was going on I got triggered into knowing I had never forgiven my mother for the treatment. I had shared lots of empathy and compassion and the like during the years up until her death and never considered my forgiveness as important or necessary until this morning. This sister in recovery's share triggered my mind and emotions and locked me up on the subject of forgiving my mother with understanding and mercy. Giving mercy is an idea my counselor passed on to me in early recovery and this morning I know I have to revisit it in prayer and meditation and then allow it to flow out..."service" my program; plant it and let it grow and feed my spirit. I thanked the gal for her share and shared a hug in return and prepared to leave for home.
One of the Kukui tree had been taken...okay. I turned around to gather the others to take them back with me just as an NA meeting was starting and one of the gals attending asked "Can I take those with me"? Service taken, service done. She got an Avocado along with the Kukui's.
I just knew it was going to move this way because when I got to the meeting and looked a bit offshore just at the shore break I noticed a lava rock standing by itself, upright with light waves dancing around its base and not toppling it over. The fellowship saw the phenomenon as I directed their attention to yet another standing rock which seemed even more impossibly about to fall into the surf and didn't and which came to let us know that so much of our recovery is in balance and so much of that balance comes from how we use and treat the gifts our Higher Power offer us.
I am as you can see still triggered and ready to know what the spirit of our recovery brings next. I couldn't make this up...only God can. Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
Lyne said
Dec 16, 2018
Thanks for your share Jerry. I lived with a horribly abusive brother from birth into my teen years. It has left me damaged in spite of years and years of help. What's changed since program though, is that I have been able to finally forgive him. And in doing that, I am able to tolerate him in a way that doesn't hurt me anymore. He will never be my favorite person, and I saw him alone about two months ago which I haven't done in years, so Alanon is helping me heal in a way I didn't think possible . Nor did I ever expect Alanon to help me in this area. I see my brother as a very disturbed person, and perhaps he is genetically predisposed to this . I had an abusive grandmother who ruined my dad. Fortunately I did not see her often enough for her to have an impact on me.
So of course, keep on keeping on. There are numerous lights at the end of the Alanon tunnel, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 16, 2018
Thank you for sharing this Jerry! I love how you many times team your recovery insights into the nature around you!
I am learning that we are growing each and every day.
JerryF said
Dec 16, 2018
Lyne and P&P Mahalo (Thanks) for the responses...they confirm our journey in recovery which affirms I am (we are) not alone in the miracle in progress...The meditation last evening around and with my daughter of the disease mother was very fulfilling to the work done previously and as I added my reactions to the disease to hers my understanding grew and confirmed my empathy for her. I got to visualize some of the nasty events she and I went thru together and apart and then use the tool of acceptance. She and I went thru hell together and at times apart with the same outcome...insanity. She did the best she could with what she had. ((((Hugs))))
Iamhere said
Dec 16, 2018
Great timing brother - thanks for the topic, awareness, honesty and share. My momma is coming alone this year as my dad wanted to stay where it's warm in AZ - I am quite certain he needs a break and just doesn't know how to say his needs out loud. I am perfectly content letting them do what they want/need to - they've earned that right in my mind.
It took me a long while to forgive my mom. Lots of reasons and lots of baggage that I carried for a long, long while. I really do believe when we hold on to anger, it blocks us from the sunlight of the spirit - it is in recovery that I learned that forgiveness isn't about anyone but me - it gives me space in my heart to continue to grow, change, love, etc.
I also believe that triggers are God's nudges for us to take a look at things for more freedom. Each time I am triggered, I uncover another layer of 'me' at the end of the processing journey. What a lovely peaceful journey we get to experience and cherish by working on ourselves in recovery. I do today understand why my sponsor suggests I be grateful for the pain of the journey as that's how we grow. You got this Jerry - carry on!!
JerryF said
Dec 17, 2018
Sis I have made up my mind to carry on as this is a step forward with HP in direction. I am amazed and grateful at what has been coming about without my prior awareness. I am staying in acceptance as I listen and watch it unfold. Part of the unfolding is the acceptance of my grandfather's (on my natural father's side) death as a result of a alcohol influenced accident on the island I am on in a little town south of Hilo. That was in 1936, 6 years before my birth. My only connection to him is mainly thru the disease which has taken so much of my family into insanity and death. I can get so tired of it wishing (lol) it had been different which it has in respect to the AFG and MIP replacing many I have not gotten to be touched by and returned.
Today we celebrated the annual AFG Christmas gathering with all of the gala and secret gift giving and such and I felt myself loving this family in deep shades of gratitude. There is only one description for how I feel and that is "being graced" thru and with my higher power. I love this family and every brother and sister who stand as and in the foundation of my serenity and sobriety. Mahalo Akua...I know you love me.
Next weekend we will celebrate the "Brunch before the Christmas Crunch" that is put on annually by my AA home group and has for years been celebrated with a meeting and then a dining...it will again be crowded by those who are still alive and those who are remembered for attempting and remaining in our minds and hearts. Christmas has real meaning for us who have retained the gift.
I will put a bunch of flowers from my yard together and take it up the highway to the area my grandpop lost his life to alcoholism and tell him part of the family continues the fight. I will tell him that today I have more understanding about that which infiltrated our family and still attempts to take more away.
Thanks for your support and understanding and recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Mom has been forgiven and graced.
mamalioness said
Dec 17, 2018
((((((((((Jerry))))))))))))) that was a tremendous post!!! Though I can never forgive my sire and my dam, I CAN and am working on giving up the hate and resentment....the word forgiveness is even a trigger...."he" would talk about "forgiveness" meaning a total pardon and that it was "ok, lets forgive and forget" no matter the crime.....to me, one has to be sorry, wanting to and making all the amends necessary to "restore" the victim as well as they can...to feel sorrow for their wrongs...Mine thought it was "ok" the way they treated us..They had "nothing" to feel sorrow for....they were entitled....this was conveyed to us...that we existed to please/serve them...no matter if their "pleasure" was horridly amoral or not...no matter if their wants/needs were life threatenign to the child....I do believe in my heart of hearts that they BOTH were sociopaths....with him being a sociopath capable of murder...I have a dead baby brother whom noone would talk about and whose death was NOT discussed...???S about this boy were avoided... even my Aunt "H" who was my hero, knew something was REAL wrong with this child's death....and she feared for me and she had good reason to...That is why, I guess, she came to the house and not asking, but INSISTING that I go with her and "don't try and stop me" and she would take me home with her...She and my uncle, the monsters brother wanted to keep me...they loved me and wanted me but HE would not budge...
I read a book written by and for survivors like me ...and in her book, there are the shares of many survivors who either could or could not forgive their abusers....and the author whom I think was a therapist, said....Forgiveness is a by product of recovery...it is NOT mandatory if you can't forgive?? then DON"T...its OK....BUT, one has to let go the hate and revenge and focus on themselves and helping themselves....THAT was the important thing...self care, self awareness, and learning self love....It has taken me years to stop hating me for their crimes...and I STILL slip...I STILL have relapses, especially when i am not paying attention and I self sabotage...I get on me real bad...I am so hard on me...I have to work on changing my behavior ALL the time...it isn't a habit yet, to forgive ME for being too young to protect me, for being too powerless to stop it....and now, for being too unable, as yet, to stay mindful and in my body enough to stop sabotaging myself....klutzy accidents, I have bruises and minor injuries all over me from banging into stuff, or hitting my hand on something, self sabotaging accidents...maybe to keep me pre-occupied so I don't dig deeper???? don't know....
They ruined my entire life..Took everything away from me..Did their best to make sure i would not make it in life...HIM especially......they were so thorough as to set me up for failure, but somehow, I managed to "win a couple" somehow, I managed to keep on keepin on, to keep working my program when i am depressed like i have been of late....financial setbacks, bad luck stupid things happening, yea, lately I've been depressed...I am too tired to fight this, so I just tossed up my hands and said..."I give up" if the self saboteur and all the other negative events want to keep at me, SO BE IT!!! I'm done fighting it and me and life...........DONE!!!!
Whats left of my life, i am just trying to make my peace with myself.....People say how strong I am, but that , to me, is past tense..i'm not strong anymore....I'm TIRED!!!!
I literally have to, of late, do life one day, one hour at a time....loss after loss..set back after set back....I don't see an end to it right now....so its one HOUR at a time....
sorry, I'm not in a good place of late....I hope I did not hijack your beautiful post....Reading you and a few others made me think of some stuff............HUGS
JerryF said
Dec 17, 2018
You cannot hi-jack my post when you are a part of my recovery. You add your ESH and I am then better off for it as the student. We have different experiences as a result of our different choices (I believe). My sponsor and the program taught and encouraged me to go after what I needed to have in order to experience serenity, which I learned was Al-Anon form of sobriety and allowed me to find sobriety also so I wouldn't continue to blur my vision and crash into people, places and things as I toured the road to happy destiny.
I learned and still do learn to take this journey one day at a time and accept graciously and gratefully the miracles that pop up before me as gifts.
I've watched and listened to your examples of "changing the things you could and accepting those that you could not"...now it's for me practice, practice, practice. We don't get perfect from that ...we get progressively better and there is no end to progressively better.
Today a local member of the AFG met and hugged me (AWESOME!!) and asked me that real question, "How are you today"? not how were you yesterday or will be tomorrow and only for today which kept my focus right in the now and I quickly inventoried for the response which was GREAT! It has been great for the last several days and that was not the question...today.
Just for today I will live thru this day only and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
I sense you recognize where that came from; the JUST FOR TODAY pamphlet, and I encourage you dear Rose to memorize the pamphlet. (((((Hugs)))))
mamalioness said
Dec 17, 2018
Just for today I will live thru this day only and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
************************************
(((((((((((((((((((Jerry))))))))))))))))) tonight I decided JUST this!!! live thru THIS day only and DONT take on all my problems at once.....Toss them off me....remove me from the battle....face one at a time.................I've REEEEEELY been messing up on this wise ESH of late...Hence the totally bummed out place I've been in....Been real down lately....I violated the above truism.....living thru THIS day only......dealing with the problems in pieces...............thank you DEAR ((((((Jerry))))))
Maresie said
Dec 17, 2018
I too grew up in a very abusive family
Forgiveness comes for me in pieces
It took me a long time to acknowledge the abuse. Lately I have been acknowledging what it cost me which if deep grief.
My expectations are changing the more I can grieve that.
Be gentle with yourself.
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 17, 2018
I just wanted to say "thank you" to this post... I just witnessed an actual Miracle in Progress!
I just loved it when you said, Jerry, "You cannot hi-jack my post when you are a part of my recovery."
Amazing stuff, really.
Just for today, I will live thru this day only and not tackle all my problems at once.
Peace & Love to you both, Jerry and Rose.
Iamhere said
Dec 17, 2018
(((Brother))) - yes....I am sending the love! Awesome you found the forgiveness for your momma. I am always amazed and truly inspired by how recovery and this program works. It is in sharing of ESH that I have found a more open mind and open heart...and I truly do believe that HP drops things at the perfect time we are able to embrace, examine, process and heal. Keep doing you - love the various holiday gatherings your groups do! We do much of the same and it's always so joyful to be with others in recovery who truly realize what a miracle we all are!
canadianguy said
Dec 17, 2018
Jerry.... I fully realize it is not a contest, but I wish that I was half as spiritually aware as you are, my friend. You have such a keen ability to see and appreciate God's work in everyday settings - it is quite remarkable.
I will keep trying :)
Tom
JerryF said
Dec 17, 2018
Brother...thank God it isn't a contest. My ego couldn't handle it. As it is I feel very wanting of the recovery I meet here at MIP. For the first 9 years of this recovery I was guided by the women of the AFG; such a sweet tough army of women in recovery who never let me back off of the program. In course of this journey I had to acknowledge it was them who gave my mother the son she always wanted and the son the acceptance of his mother affected by the disease of familial alcoholism. I am learning more now doing a deeper inventory of my father's side of our family and the understanding brings wisdom, acceptance and forgiveness with wide humility. I understand today that because of what is happening my Higher Power wants me to know as much as can be learned to fulfill the statement, "came to understand".
While I am coming to understand how the disease affected me and the life of my parents I am still saddened by how it has affected the generation I participated in bring into this world. And then today I have no distrust and/or fear of what my Higher Power can and will do using the AFG and MIP.
What a awesome busy recovering Saturday!! I went to my home AA group and took some tree plants from my yard to share with the fellowship and when there expressed how the trees supported my culture of birth and my culture of recovery choice. The trees are known to support healing for the body; children to adults and thru the nuts create condiments with food and include shells which we create items of beauty to wear and gift away. I needed to "gift" them away partly because we have sold our house and I would not be able to do "service" to them. I related how doing service to them anchored me in my giving back to the land which feeds me, the Aina. Another member picked up on the metaphor and also shared how it related to him also and the meeting moved on. At the end of the meeting a gal member shared how she had last night a marvelous dream about coming to forgiveness of her mother and the treatment she received from her mother while the disease hurt her mom so badly and her dream had none of the hurt, the pain, she was free of it for once and so happy.
She didn't know her share was triggering me as at one time I also lived with an abusive mother not understanding or even knowing I might know what was driving her abusive attitude and behaviors against me. Punishment was the usual behavior rather than expressed love and acceptance from very young until the night I left home at 18 years of age and even at that night I was threatened with "not being so old that I could not get a slap". I'm no martyr in the humble sense I am a fighter and person of studied violence of which much of my 9th step amends were about. Anyway when this share was going on I got triggered into knowing I had never forgiven my mother for the treatment. I had shared lots of empathy and compassion and the like during the years up until her death and never considered my forgiveness as important or necessary until this morning. This sister in recovery's share triggered my mind and emotions and locked me up on the subject of forgiving my mother with understanding and mercy. Giving mercy is an idea my counselor passed on to me in early recovery and this morning I know I have to revisit it in prayer and meditation and then allow it to flow out..."service" my program; plant it and let it grow and feed my spirit. I thanked the gal for her share and shared a hug in return and prepared to leave for home.
One of the Kukui tree had been taken...okay. I turned around to gather the others to take them back with me just as an NA meeting was starting and one of the gals attending asked "Can I take those with me"? Service taken, service done. She got an Avocado along with the Kukui's.
I just knew it was going to move this way because when I got to the meeting and looked a bit offshore just at the shore break I noticed a lava rock standing by itself, upright with light waves dancing around its base and not toppling it over. The fellowship saw the phenomenon as I directed their attention to yet another standing rock which seemed even more impossibly about to fall into the surf and didn't and which came to let us know that so much of our recovery is in balance and so much of that balance comes from how we use and treat the gifts our Higher Power offer us.
I am as you can see still triggered and ready to know what the spirit of our recovery brings next. I couldn't make this up...only God can. Thanks for letting me share. ((((hugs))))
So of course, keep on keeping on. There are numerous lights at the end of the Alanon tunnel, Lyne
I am learning that we are growing each and every day.
Lyne and P&P Mahalo (Thanks) for the responses...they confirm our journey in recovery which affirms I am (we are) not alone in the miracle in progress...The meditation last evening around and with my daughter of the disease mother was very fulfilling to the work done previously and as I added my reactions to the disease to hers my understanding grew and confirmed my empathy for her. I got to visualize some of the nasty events she and I went thru together and apart and then use the tool of acceptance. She and I went thru hell together and at times apart with the same outcome...insanity. She did the best she could with what she had. ((((Hugs))))
It took me a long while to forgive my mom. Lots of reasons and lots of baggage that I carried for a long, long while. I really do believe when we hold on to anger, it blocks us from the sunlight of the spirit - it is in recovery that I learned that forgiveness isn't about anyone but me - it gives me space in my heart to continue to grow, change, love, etc.
I also believe that triggers are God's nudges for us to take a look at things for more freedom. Each time I am triggered, I uncover another layer of 'me' at the end of the processing journey. What a lovely peaceful journey we get to experience and cherish by working on ourselves in recovery. I do today understand why my sponsor suggests I be grateful for the pain of the journey as that's how we grow. You got this Jerry - carry on!!
Sis I have made up my mind to carry on as this is a step forward with HP in direction. I am amazed and grateful at what has been coming about without my prior awareness. I am staying in acceptance as I listen and watch it unfold. Part of the unfolding is the acceptance of my grandfather's (on my natural father's side) death as a result of a alcohol influenced accident on the island I am on in a little town south of Hilo. That was in 1936, 6 years before my birth. My only connection to him is mainly thru the disease which has taken so much of my family into insanity and death. I can get so tired of it wishing (lol) it had been different which it has in respect to the AFG and MIP replacing many I have not gotten to be touched by and returned.
Today we celebrated the annual AFG Christmas gathering with all of the gala and secret gift giving and such and I felt myself loving this family in deep shades of gratitude. There is only one description for how I feel and that is "being graced" thru and with my higher power. I love this family and every brother and sister who stand as and in the foundation of my serenity and sobriety. Mahalo Akua...I know you love me.
Next weekend we will celebrate the "Brunch before the Christmas Crunch" that is put on annually by my AA home group and has for years been celebrated with a meeting and then a dining...it will again be crowded by those who are still alive and those who are remembered for attempting and remaining in our minds and hearts. Christmas has real meaning for us who have retained the gift.
I will put a bunch of flowers from my yard together and take it up the highway to the area my grandpop lost his life to alcoholism and tell him part of the family continues the fight. I will tell him that today I have more understanding about that which infiltrated our family and still attempts to take more away.
Thanks for your support and understanding and recovery. (((((hugs)))))
Mom has been forgiven and graced.
I read a book written by and for survivors like me ...and in her book, there are the shares of many survivors who either could or could not forgive their abusers....and the author whom I think was a therapist, said....Forgiveness is a by product of recovery...it is NOT mandatory if you can't forgive?? then DON"T...its OK....BUT, one has to let go the hate and revenge and focus on themselves and helping themselves....THAT was the important thing...self care, self awareness, and learning self love....It has taken me years to stop hating me for their crimes...and I STILL slip...I STILL have relapses, especially when i am not paying attention and I self sabotage...I get on me real bad...I am so hard on me...I have to work on changing my behavior ALL the time...it isn't a habit yet, to forgive ME for being too young to protect me, for being too powerless to stop it....and now, for being too unable, as yet, to stay mindful and in my body enough to stop sabotaging myself....klutzy accidents, I have bruises and minor injuries all over me from banging into stuff, or hitting my hand on something, self sabotaging accidents...maybe to keep me pre-occupied so I don't dig deeper???? don't know....
They ruined my entire life..Took everything away from me..Did their best to make sure i would not make it in life...HIM especially......they were so thorough as to set me up for failure, but somehow, I managed to "win a couple" somehow, I managed to keep on keepin on, to keep working my program when i am depressed like i have been of late....financial setbacks, bad luck stupid things happening, yea, lately I've been depressed...I am too tired to fight this, so I just tossed up my hands and said..."I give up" if the self saboteur and all the other negative events want to keep at me, SO BE IT!!! I'm done fighting it and me and life...........DONE!!!!
Whats left of my life, i am just trying to make my peace with myself.....People say how strong I am, but that , to me, is past tense..i'm not strong anymore....I'm TIRED!!!!
I literally have to, of late, do life one day, one hour at a time....loss after loss..set back after set back....I don't see an end to it right now....so its one HOUR at a time....
sorry, I'm not in a good place of late....I hope I did not hijack your beautiful post....Reading you and a few others made me think of some stuff............HUGS
You cannot hi-jack my post when you are a part of my recovery. You add your ESH and I am then better off for it as the student. We have different experiences as a result of our different choices (I believe). My sponsor and the program taught and encouraged me to go after what I needed to have in order to experience serenity, which I learned was Al-Anon form of sobriety and allowed me to find sobriety also so I wouldn't continue to blur my vision and crash into people, places and things as I toured the road to happy destiny.
I learned and still do learn to take this journey one day at a time and accept graciously and gratefully the miracles that pop up before me as gifts.
I've watched and listened to your examples of "changing the things you could and accepting those that you could not"...now it's for me practice, practice, practice. We don't get perfect from that ...we get progressively better and there is no end to progressively better.
Today a local member of the AFG met and hugged me (AWESOME!!) and asked me that real question, "How are you today"? not how were you yesterday or will be tomorrow and only for today which kept my focus right in the now and I quickly inventoried for the response which was GREAT! It has been great for the last several days and that was not the question...today.
Just for today I will live thru this day only and not tackle all my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
I sense you recognize where that came from; the JUST FOR TODAY pamphlet, and I encourage you dear Rose to memorize the pamphlet. (((((Hugs)))))
************************************
(((((((((((((((((((Jerry))))))))))))))))) tonight I decided JUST this!!! live thru THIS day only and DONT take on all my problems at once.....Toss them off me....remove me from the battle....face one at a time.................I've REEEEEELY been messing up on this wise ESH of late...Hence the totally bummed out place I've been in....Been real down lately....I violated the above truism.....living thru THIS day only......dealing with the problems in pieces...............thank you DEAR ((((((Jerry))))))
I just loved it when you said, Jerry, "You cannot hi-jack my post when you are a part of my recovery."
Amazing stuff, really.
Just for today, I will live thru this day only and not tackle all my problems at once.
Peace & Love to you both, Jerry and Rose.
Jerry.... I fully realize it is not a contest, but I wish that I was half as spiritually aware as you are, my friend. You have such a keen ability to see and appreciate God's work in everyday settings - it is quite remarkable.
I will keep trying :)
Tom
Brother...thank God it isn't a contest. My ego couldn't handle it. As it is I feel very wanting of the recovery I meet here at MIP. For the first 9 years of this recovery I was guided by the women of the AFG; such a sweet tough army of women in recovery who never let me back off of the program. In course of this journey I had to acknowledge it was them who gave my mother the son she always wanted and the son the acceptance of his mother affected by the disease of familial alcoholism. I am learning more now doing a deeper inventory of my father's side of our family and the understanding brings wisdom, acceptance and forgiveness with wide humility. I understand today that because of what is happening my Higher Power wants me to know as much as can be learned to fulfill the statement, "came to understand".
While I am coming to understand how the disease affected me and the life of my parents I am still saddened by how it has affected the generation I participated in bring into this world. And then today I have no distrust and/or fear of what my Higher Power can and will do using the AFG and MIP.
Mahalo Akua...thank you God. (((((MIP)))))