My spouse is on a bender again. I am trying not manage him and it's hard. I know I need to get out of his way. I know I should not take it personal and get mad. I try not to make this about me. I just need strength.
PosiesandPuppies said
Dec 13, 2018
Sending you support and ((((((Ann))))) hugs... it is a hard life - the one living with the addicted loved one. You seem to know what is needed... I found strength in MIP and then my F2F meetings!Keep posting!
Peace
JerryF said
Dec 14, 2018
The should's and should not's use to drive me crazy when I was learning how to behave in response to my Alcoholic/Addict's behaviors and not wanting to "one up" her in that department. The study of responses and reactions was really really important for me and us because I use to get locked into rages and once came close to killing her. My alcoholism counselor put an end to the loss of control by asking me one session "Did you tantrum when you were younger"? I answered "yes" and he responded "show me how you did it". I thought he was kidding and said so and he replied that he was very serious about me and that subject. "Show me now" he said again and I wasn't about to miss the value of the lesson so I did my best pre-teen tantrum jumping up and down waving my arms and hands all over the place, yelling insanities and then stopped still. "Is that it"? he asked and I replied yes. "Took less than a minute, how do you feel"? and I had to reply "relieved really, my rage is less". He gave me home work which was to openly use the trauma the next and every time I found my self triggered into anger. Okay I like homework that makes me saner and more sober so I agreed.
Ever act out a trauma just because? I have and once did it in a Christmas rush shopping center. Guess what? No one stopped to mind and no one reacted to it. I found that very strange that I might be making the cause of it more than what was called for and so I worked on the tools of acceptance and letting go of people, places and things that invite my reactions.
I've been in program a long time and lately find my reactions, the negative overly anxious ones returning. I don't like it and have been working on using patience before reacting. That is difficult yet still it works best for me when I can do it. What is important that I have learned is that there is no law that demands I respond go any situation in a certain way. It is my choice and my consequences. Choosing the consequence first hand is best for me. I never ask the alcoholic to critique my responses and I don't critique theirs. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
andromeda said
Dec 14, 2018
It is hard to not manage someone else but think about how hard it is to manage ourselves, at times. Keep the focus on you and take care of yourself. I had a policy that I would only interfere if someone's life (including the alcoholics) was at stake and even then I always called my sponsor or someone in program before I took action. That's about all I can do.
Can you get to a meeting or study some literature, journal your thoughts and fears, anxieties, etc?? Take action for YOU and pray for the addict. I used to waffle between compassion and anger that came from the depths of I don't even know where! It's a hard walk we have to walk but we are responsible for our choices and we can make different choices for ourselves.
Sending you big hugs and lots of support. Hang in there.
Iamhere said
Dec 14, 2018
(((Ann))) - so very sorry you are faced with the disease active in your life. I have so BTDT - Been There and Done That. For me, when it's happening, there is a part of me that mentally feels it will always be this way and life seems to happen in slow motion. My best suggestion is to lean into all the tools our program offers and do all that you can to stay close to the center. It is so not easy and I'm sending you tons of positive energy, support and prayers. Please know you are not alone!
Ann_Y said
Dec 15, 2018
Thanks everyone. I am at friends house and trying to focus on me.
Peace
The should's and should not's use to drive me crazy when I was learning how to behave in response to my Alcoholic/Addict's behaviors and not wanting to "one up" her in that department. The study of responses and reactions was really really important for me and us because I use to get locked into rages and once came close to killing her. My alcoholism counselor put an end to the loss of control by asking me one session "Did you tantrum when you were younger"? I answered "yes" and he responded "show me how you did it". I thought he was kidding and said so and he replied that he was very serious about me and that subject. "Show me now" he said again and I wasn't about to miss the value of the lesson so I did my best pre-teen tantrum jumping up and down waving my arms and hands all over the place, yelling insanities and then stopped still. "Is that it"? he asked and I replied yes. "Took less than a minute, how do you feel"? and I had to reply "relieved really, my rage is less". He gave me home work which was to openly use the trauma the next and every time I found my self triggered into anger. Okay I like homework that makes me saner and more sober so I agreed.
Ever act out a trauma just because? I have and once did it in a Christmas rush shopping center. Guess what? No one stopped to mind and no one reacted to it. I found that very strange that I might be making the cause of it more than what was called for and so I worked on the tools of acceptance and letting go of people, places and things that invite my reactions.
I've been in program a long time and lately find my reactions, the negative overly anxious ones returning. I don't like it and have been working on using patience before reacting. That is difficult yet still it works best for me when I can do it. What is important that I have learned is that there is no law that demands I respond go any situation in a certain way. It is my choice and my consequences. Choosing the consequence first hand is best for me. I never ask the alcoholic to critique my responses and I don't critique theirs. Keep coming back. ((((Hugs))))
Can you get to a meeting or study some literature, journal your thoughts and fears, anxieties, etc?? Take action for YOU and pray for the addict. I used to waffle between compassion and anger that came from the depths of I don't even know where! It's a hard walk we have to walk but we are responsible for our choices and we can make different choices for ourselves.
Sending you big hugs and lots of support. Hang in there.