I've described my binge-drinking husband in the past. Last night, he went out with friends, got drunk, and came home late. My 5 year old daughter was in bed with me, and we were sleeping. He was looking for his shirt that he puts over his eyes when he sleeps and couldn't find it (bc he was drunk), and loudly said my name. Then he threw a pillow in my face. Then he asked loudly where it was blaming me. Then, he turned all the lights on in the bedroom, so it was joltingly bright. He walked over to my side of the bed and angrily asked where it was. He was making all kinds of sounds, and made all kinds are large movements in the bed.
I can't leave at this point with my three kids (5 and younger).
I've asked him for separation, but he won't leave.
What would you do.
I deserve peace and serenity in my own home, and am currently recovering from pneumonia.
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.
a4l said
Nov 30, 2018
Hugs McGrueder. The best suggestion I can make is to put together some kind of a programme. Some meetings, online if need be, and of course keep coming back here too. Through recovery I found a better me who was better at protecting herself. For me in your situation (or at least similiar, three kids close in age at one stage all under 5) I used this board, online meetings and f2f when I could. I also made more of an effort to get out of the house with the kids and at one stage we even had an occasional care service next door so that I could sometimes get an hour or two away from the kids to go and have a coffee and a walk. It is hard always having someone needing you and so self care where ever you can fit it in is so important. I love coffee and can not really function without it. I didnt have a car or a license back then, so we would have to walk everywhere which wasn't so bad, but when you just want a double shot espresso and have to get three kid ready in order to do so, it can be a hassle! though looking back I smile now, because the four of us were such a unit, all bursting to get out the door. Anyway I ended up buying a second hand coffee machine so that my morning coffee didn't take an hour. These sort of things might sound so far removed from a barely coherent intoxicated person switching the light on when you're sick and sleeping, but I swear it is relative. It is about developing yourself to a point where you are a bi stronger and more confident. I eventually did leave with the three young kids and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage. That is another story though. Suffice to say, there was no real reason why we should have been able to do that: none of us were citizens with entitlements to state welfare etc, but we did and the right people were there at the right time. We actually stayed in an apartment in the city for two weeks that I could never have ever been able to afford, and got to explore the place rather like little leisure livers before getting our own little flat in a trendy and again way out of price range neighbourhood. Those were some of the happiest months of my adult life to be honest. This year, I have just completed my first year of law and those little babies are at school. So, long story short. Hang in there, keep showing up, take care of you and have faith. Things can and do get better.
Lyne said
Nov 30, 2018
Hello MG-Along with the suggestions about recovery and program, I would see a lawyer (a free consultation if possible) to gather info. to find out what your rights are. Many towns/counties also have battered wife agencies, again, to gather info. You don't have to be physically assaulted to be a battered wife. Program helpled me take my time to get centered and heal before making any major decisions. That's what I would recommend for you. Get yourself strong, collect info., and make decisions down the road. Lyne
JerryF said
Nov 30, 2018
Aloha Mcq and welcome back. I would be encouraged with Lyne's feedback because it fits the gentle side of Jerry F not admitting to be just a loving quiet non violent fella however I needed more time and experience with the other side of character...the tit for tat guy. I needed to find a way to make the insanity end and so I did the stuff in program necessary to bring my own insanity to and end. That was nice.
Good to have you back. Take care of you. Make a list of ways you like to be treated and then....treat yourself like that. ((((hugs))))
SerenityRUS said
Nov 30, 2018
Take care of yourself first and do as suggested .. I do encourage you not to isolate which is easy to do especially with young children. Coming here for online meetings is huge .. unless you take care of you .. nothing anyone else says is going to change the situation you find yourself in I mean just in terms of it's like getting a membership to a gym and then nothing changes because I don't go to the gym. There is a level of work required to move forward even when it's painful. I may feel stiff and hurt it's required that I move to see results.
In dealing in the midst of my craziness and I def had my own because I forgot who I was and was so focused on being a mother and a wife of an active alcoholic I forgot me. That's no way to live and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this plus being sick.
Please listen to the others here and take care of yourself in any given moment you are in a violent situation it is even more important to have a plan A - Z .. after all there is more than 3 letters in the alphabet.
Big hugs .. keep coming back. S :)
a4l said
Nov 30, 2018
Battered wife is such a horrible term and calls to mind the worst case images which is not always an accurate picture of domestic abuse. Abuse can be emotional, financial, psychological as well as physical or sexual. There are women's support agencies in most Western countries with phone numbers and websites. The advantage of these agencies is that they usually have their own list of legal professionals and counsellors. I did find seeking out information anonymously was empowering. When you're ready McGrueder you will know.
Mattie said
Nov 30, 2018
So sorry you are in this situation. Even though you can't leave instantly, it will help to get a Plan B in process. Many Al-Anon meetings have childcare - if you ask your local Al-Anon people (they should be in the phone book) they will know. Gathering supportive friends can be a big help. Then you could have someplace to go for the night if he is aggressive or unbearable or threatens violence. If violence could be part of the picture, do get advice from your local women's shelter. They will know all the angles - how to get an emergency escape plan ready (good to have even if you never have to use it), how to gather evidence for a lawyer down the line, how to make a Plan B. Eventually it would be a good thing to have the capacity to move out - staying because you've decided you want to is really different from staying because you have no choice. A lawyer and the shelter can also advise on strategies if you should be the one to stay in the house and he needs to be made to leave. I hope you will get all the support you deserve, and not be discouraged if rounding up that support does take some time, as is natural. Take good care of yourself.
Bettertomorrow said
Dec 1, 2018
So sorry to hear you are going through this and remember you are not alone. Many people here have walked a similar path.
This is what I learned from my own experience. As the saying goes, please take what you like and leave the rest.
I lived with my AH and 4 children (two of whom were relatively young so can totally relate about feeling stuck about the possibility of having to decamp an entire family in the middle of the night). Through the programme (mainly face to face meetings, but also on here), the most short term effective thing for me and the children was to put boundaries in place. By this I mean literally listing for myself what was unacceptable behaviour and removing myself and the children every time one of those boundaries was broken. If it was during the day or early evening I would pile all the children into the car and get out of the house and over time made it fun for us all as opposed to driving around seething with resentment. So for example, we would drive to a local lake and watch the sunset - free stuff - but we made it a nice time together. If it was the middle of the night and depending on the behaviour I would either go and sleep in one of the children's rooms or leave the house with the children (hence why a plan B was really important). I didn't say anything other than I am leaving for awhile - there was no point in trying to have a logical conversation with a drunk husband anyway.
Over time (and it did take time, but with help of Al Anon) I let go of all of my expectations around my AH and focused entirely on me and the children and what I wanted for me and them. Another very wise member imo here (Bo) once posted a reply along the lines that at some point we need to decide whether dealing with detachment and boundaries is really what we want as a long term solution. That ESH has really stuck with me. Over time (and again it did take time) I rebuilt my self esteem and focused on my own recovery through this programme and decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life living this way. That was just my choice and it may well be different for you.
Two years later our family is calm and we really do try and make the most of each day. If someone had told me two years ago I would have reached this level of serenity I would not have believed them. I am still recovering, as I believe this is a lifelong process, but baby steps each day helped me get where I am today.
I've described my binge-drinking husband in the past. Last night, he went out with friends, got drunk, and came home late. My 5 year old daughter was in bed with me, and we were sleeping. He was looking for his shirt that he puts over his eyes when he sleeps and couldn't find it (bc he was drunk), and loudly said my name. Then he threw a pillow in my face. Then he asked loudly where it was blaming me. Then, he turned all the lights on in the bedroom, so it was joltingly bright. He walked over to my side of the bed and angrily asked where it was. He was making all kinds of sounds, and made all kinds are large movements in the bed.
I can't leave at this point with my three kids (5 and younger).
I've asked him for separation, but he won't leave.
What would you do.
I deserve peace and serenity in my own home, and am currently recovering from pneumonia.
Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom.
Hugs McGrueder. The best suggestion I can make is to put together some kind of a programme. Some meetings, online if need be, and of course keep coming back here too. Through recovery I found a better me who was better at protecting herself. For me in your situation (or at least similiar, three kids close in age at one stage all under 5) I used this board, online meetings and f2f when I could. I also made more of an effort to get out of the house with the kids and at one stage we even had an occasional care service next door so that I could sometimes get an hour or two away from the kids to go and have a coffee and a walk. It is hard always having someone needing you and so self care where ever you can fit it in is so important. I love coffee and can not really function without it. I didnt have a car or a license back then, so we would have to walk everywhere which wasn't so bad, but when you just want a double shot espresso and have to get three kid ready in order to do so, it can be a hassle! though looking back I smile now, because the four of us were such a unit, all bursting to get out the door. Anyway I ended up buying a second hand coffee machine so that my morning coffee didn't take an hour. These sort of things might sound so far removed from a barely coherent intoxicated person switching the light on when you're sick and sleeping, but I swear it is relative. It is about developing yourself to a point where you are a bi stronger and more confident. I eventually did leave with the three young kids and it was the best thing I ever did for myself and my marriage. That is another story though. Suffice to say, there was no real reason why we should have been able to do that: none of us were citizens with entitlements to state welfare etc, but we did and the right people were there at the right time. We actually stayed in an apartment in the city for two weeks that I could never have ever been able to afford, and got to explore the place rather like little leisure livers before getting our own little flat in a trendy and again way out of price range neighbourhood. Those were some of the happiest months of my adult life to be honest. This year, I have just completed my first year of law and those little babies are at school. So, long story short. Hang in there, keep showing up, take care of you and have faith. Things can and do get better.
Aloha Mcq and welcome back. I would be encouraged with Lyne's feedback because it fits the gentle side of Jerry F not admitting to be just a loving quiet non violent fella however I needed more time and experience with the other side of character...the tit for tat guy. I needed to find a way to make the insanity end and so I did the stuff in program necessary to bring my own insanity to and end. That was nice.
Good to have you back. Take care of you. Make a list of ways you like to be treated and then....treat yourself like that. ((((hugs))))
In dealing in the midst of my craziness and I def had my own because I forgot who I was and was so focused on being a mother and a wife of an active alcoholic I forgot me. That's no way to live and I am so sorry that you are dealing with this plus being sick.
Please listen to the others here and take care of yourself in any given moment you are in a violent situation it is even more important to have a plan A - Z .. after all there is more than 3 letters in the alphabet.
Big hugs .. keep coming back. S :)
So sorry you are in this situation. Even though you can't leave instantly, it will help to get a Plan B in process. Many Al-Anon meetings have childcare - if you ask your local Al-Anon people (they should be in the phone book) they will know. Gathering supportive friends can be a big help. Then you could have someplace to go for the night if he is aggressive or unbearable or threatens violence. If violence could be part of the picture, do get advice from your local women's shelter. They will know all the angles - how to get an emergency escape plan ready (good to have even if you never have to use it), how to gather evidence for a lawyer down the line, how to make a Plan B. Eventually it would be a good thing to have the capacity to move out - staying because you've decided you want to is really different from staying because you have no choice. A lawyer and the shelter can also advise on strategies if you should be the one to stay in the house and he needs to be made to leave. I hope you will get all the support you deserve, and not be discouraged if rounding up that support does take some time, as is natural. Take good care of yourself.
So sorry to hear you are going through this and remember you are not alone. Many people here have walked a similar path.
This is what I learned from my own experience. As the saying goes, please take what you like and leave the rest.
I lived with my AH and 4 children (two of whom were relatively young so can totally relate about feeling stuck about the possibility of having to decamp an entire family in the middle of the night). Through the programme (mainly face to face meetings, but also on here), the most short term effective thing for me and the children was to put boundaries in place. By this I mean literally listing for myself what was unacceptable behaviour and removing myself and the children every time one of those boundaries was broken. If it was during the day or early evening I would pile all the children into the car and get out of the house and over time made it fun for us all as opposed to driving around seething with resentment. So for example, we would drive to a local lake and watch the sunset - free stuff - but we made it a nice time together. If it was the middle of the night and depending on the behaviour I would either go and sleep in one of the children's rooms or leave the house with the children (hence why a plan B was really important). I didn't say anything other than I am leaving for awhile - there was no point in trying to have a logical conversation with a drunk husband anyway.
Over time (and it did take time, but with help of Al Anon) I let go of all of my expectations around my AH and focused entirely on me and the children and what I wanted for me and them. Another very wise member imo here (Bo) once posted a reply along the lines that at some point we need to decide whether dealing with detachment and boundaries is really what we want as a long term solution. That ESH has really stuck with me. Over time (and again it did take time) I rebuilt my self esteem and focused on my own recovery through this programme and decided that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life living this way. That was just my choice and it may well be different for you.
Two years later our family is calm and we really do try and make the most of each day. If someone had told me two years ago I would have reached this level of serenity I would not have believed them. I am still recovering, as I believe this is a lifelong process, but baby steps each day helped me get where I am today.
Hugs and best wishes for your own journey, Joanne