Here I am again! I haven't been on for awhile and I haven't been going to meetings because I have fallen back into old ways and patterns thinking "I got this" Well I don't . Everything is a mess! The AH is in detox that he signed into on my birthday (3 days ago) and he is wanting out of there with no plan to follow up with a long term treatment. Needless to say, I feel helpless and defeated. I feel like I want his sobriety more than he does, and the truth is I probably do.
I am back to get serious for me, because I know he has to work on his drinking and I have to find ways to get better for me. I am not doing well at all and I am totally doing all the things that I know with trying to control, fix and do for my AH what he should be doing for himself.
Thank you all for letting me vent on here.
Mamakat
canadianguy said
Nov 27, 2018
Hi Mamakat - yep, you are more than likely right - at this point in time, it does feel like you probably want his sobriety more than he does.
I know it was certainly like that for me and my ex-AW, as I did everything I could, including crying, begging, coercing her into her recovery, and after years & years of trying, she finally went to a 28-day Rehab. I was SO excited, and also a bit proud of myself - as I had "done good". Low and behold, she was drinking less than ten days after getting out of her Rehab, and in retrospect, she obviously wasn't ready (but I was!)
I love the old saying, that our A's will seek recovery when they are "sick and tired of being sick and tired". The same can be true for us Al-Anoners, and why our program is so critical for our own emotional well being. Time to focus on you and your recovery, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. When we do that, you're further ahead, no matter where his path takes him
Big hugs, and you are doing right by yourself, in getting back on here, and turning that energy and focus back onto you
Tom
Bo said
Nov 27, 2018
Welcome back...unfortunately, these things happen, and they happen a lot. It is common. Apparently, you do want him to be sober more than he wants to be sober. So, just for today...that being true...what can YOU do for YOU...there is where YOUR focus should be...on YOU.
Of course everything is a mess -- that's what happens to people's lives when they live with, love, deal with, etc., an alcoholic/addict...one who does not want to quit, get better, and find recovery. Whenever my wife was in detox or rehab...every single thing, every single conversation, discussion, word, thought, meeting, everything was NEVER about her getting better, getting clean and sober, and living a life of recovery. Hundreds of conversations, meetings, arguments, everything under the sun...except RECOVERY. So, in the end, when you cut away all the BS...that was her position and decision...and while it was going on, I did NOT want to see, hear or face that. That is when WE are in our own DENIAL. Alcoholics/addicts who want to get out of rehab just want out. Period. They will do, say, agree, etc., to whatever they can and have to in order to get out. Long term treatment? Of course not...the addict/alcoholic does NOT want to get better...and that's why they want to get out!!! If they wanted to get better -- truly get better -- then they would stay...PERIOD.
One of the directors at one of the rehabs my wife went to said "She doesn't have to work on her drinking, nor does she have to work on her not-drinking. She simply has to decide "enough" and want to get better, get clean and sober, and live a life of recovery...and until then...there's nothing else to discuss...it is up to her...just observe and wait for her to make her decision...it will be obvious..." AND HE WAS RIGHT.
If you want to get better -- YOU -- you should: a) go to face to face alanon meetings, b) find a sponsor, and, c) start working the program.
All the best.
JerryF said
Nov 27, 2018
((((Mamakat)))) appears to me that you have poked around at the program and learned enough stuff to direct you back that maybe something here will work for you. God I did that over and over and each time I got just enough to keep me lurking around the program until my Higher Power took the energy out of me to continue doing it and got me to do what was working for the "old timers" who kept coming back because they started to trust it would work maybe also. The resistance left and I keep coming back as directed and then as my sponsor directed because they directed me to get one of those sponsor persons. He taught me a word and a behavior called, "duplication"...finding out what was working with the others in the group and doing the same things myself. Working the steps and at first the 3 starter steps keeping in mind the most important word at the end of step 2...sanity. I knew I was insane...crazy, and had been for a long time causing me so much life problems.
The fellowship was so kind, loving and caring and never ever turned me away when I needed to learn an important step to "duplicate" and my sponsorship walked the entire journey, thru all the 12 steps with me, He was truly a gift from my HP as has been the others.
Today I attempt to "give away" all I have learned in Al-Anon which has given me sanity and a much better way of living my life.
Here I am again was a thought as I walked into my morning meeting and there they were also ready to do this journey again getting it right. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God. ((((Hugs))))
mamakat71 said
Nov 27, 2018
Thank you all for the kind and encouraging replies. I am really struggling for sure. I have been on here and to some meetings to know that I need the support of those walking similar paths so I can begin to live again. Your words make me cry with a sense of being totally scared to death to take a step and at the same time to know I have to do something, because what I have been doing isn't working. I am tired of feeling crazy and responsible for his drinking, his recovery and everything right now that is about him. I want something to be just about me and I feel selfish for that, but that's where I am right now. I want to feel better and be better emotionally and mentally. I need to work my recovery of codependency and enabling my AH and live a more peaceful life, regardless of what he chooses to do. Have a good evening, I am off to work soon.
Kat
mamakat71 said
Nov 27, 2018
I have been doing all those things that you say.... screaming, crying, demanding, and giving ultimatums. Nothing works and it won't because it's not my disease to cure or control. I want so desperately to stop falling into this cycle with my AH. Right now I do feel good because he is in detox and I become anxious when I think about his release. I truly have to take this one day at a time and ask for help for myself, which I am not good at because I like to pretend that all is well due to shame of being married to my second AH. I know I cannot make any decisions that are big right now and I am already worried that I might just have to separate from my AH at some point, but I also know that I can only do today. Thank you for your input it has helped.
Kat
mamakat71 said
Nov 27, 2018
Bo, you are so right and it is up to him to want to get clean and sober.... but it is so damn disappointing for me and I cannot help feeling so defeated. I know its not about me, but it affects me so much so I know I am not alone in feeling like this. I want to scream, cry and throw a fit, but that doesn't help so here I am. I need help! I appreciate all of you letting me come and go as I need to and always here with kindness and acceptance. You all are blessings in my mess.
Kat
bud said
Nov 27, 2018
Sending prayers and positive thoughts - glad you're here
JerryF said
Nov 28, 2018
Kat in the early days of my recovery my home group use to read the AMA definition of Alcoholism which included that, "Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with" and further experience confirmed that for me and others. I was born and raised in the disease on both sides of the family who had long involvement with alcohol and drugs before I was even conceived. I remember early familial insanity from the age of an before 9. We were living with insanity even then. Thank God for our programs of recovery. I truly came toward peace and hope when I was introduced to the 2nd step and that most important last word. "A continuous and orderly process of thought".
Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Iamhere said
Nov 28, 2018
(((Kat))) - good to see you again and welcome back. I am sorry for what brings you here - your post is so helpful for all of us affected by this disease. I too can recall how angry, disappointed and pretty much crazy I felt when we had relapses. I can tell you from the AA side, any time I have considered giving in to the continuous pull of the disease, there is a part of me that says, "If you are going to do it, do it right..." The disease never rests, never sleeps and is a constant for those who are alcoholics.
I believe the same for us. I truly had to embrace all that this program offers, from morning to sleep, one day at a time. For me, when 'life' happens, my mind immediately goes to all that is wrong. My sponsor had to continuously ask me, "What's good?" "What's working well?" "What's improved?"
These small exercises - gratitude lists, asset lists - prayer for a change of thinking/doing - have all helped me stay a bit sane in the middle of chaos. It's all about continued practice, practice, practice...
My youngest went off the rails recently. He asked for help so he could go to Detox. My service was to store his belongings while he went to detox. He stayed less than 2 days. It's maddening to focus on the danger, fear, reality of this disease in him and it's all I can do each day to just do the next right thing. Yet, I do know deep within me that there is nothing I can do, say, etc. that will change him/his disease/actions. I literally give him over to God, my HP, thousands of times per day - each time I feel the fear/anxiety cropping up.
You are not the first person nor will you be the last who has reacted to the disease in less than healthy ways. The good news is today is a new day, and we are blessed being above ground to maybe just be gentle with ourselves, trust in a power greater than ourselves and do the next right thing while being loving and gentle to self. I do believe I deserve to be happy, joyous and free no matter what's going on around me and I keep that front and center in my mind.
Keep coming back, know you are not alone! There is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
Bo said
Nov 28, 2018
Kat, it is not only very common, but it is very natural to feel the way you feel. I often think a person wouldn't be human, would have zero compassion, and just be heartless, if they did not feel that initial reaction of...everything....disappointment, anger, frustration, helpless, hopeless, defeated, wanting to scream, yell, cry, and so much more. Don't let anyone tell you different! LOL.
When a person is on their knees, crawling, begging for help...that's when they are ready. And the ironic thing...that applies to both the alcoholic...and US!!! Think about it.
While I am all for gratitude and being grateful for where I am in life...when a person is in crisis...it's crisis mode. Survival mode. Do whatever it takes! FOR YOU. GET BETTER. DO THE WORK. I have never bought into the "take what is, compare it to something worse, just to make what is sound and look better" -- for me that's a cop-out. It breeds complacency, mediocrity, and DENIAL. But, that's just me. If you want to get better -- focus on that and YOU. Period.
My sponsor used to ask me...all the time...HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU? That was my gut-check. All the best.
Bo said
Nov 28, 2018
mamakat71 wrote:
Bo, you are so right and it is up to him to want to get clean and sober.... but it is so damn disappointing for me and I cannot help feeling so defeated. I know its not about me, but it affects me so much so I know I am not alone in feeling like this. I want to scream, cry and throw a fit, but that doesn't help so here I am. I need help! I appreciate all of you letting me come and go as I need to and always here with kindness and acceptance. You all are blessings in my mess.
Kat
Kat, I was also thinking...awareness...you have complete awareness in and around how you are feeling...so you can surrender to it...and let it go...and then, meaning now, LOL, you can FOCUS ON YOU and your program, recovery, etc. You have help. Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work.
Hello all,
Here I am again! I haven't been on for awhile and I haven't been going to meetings because I have fallen back into old ways and patterns thinking "I got this" Well I don't
. Everything is a mess! The AH is in detox that he signed into on my birthday (3 days ago) and he is wanting out of there with no plan to follow up with a long term treatment. Needless to say, I feel helpless and defeated. I feel like I want his sobriety more than he does, and the truth is I probably do.
I am back to get serious for me, because I know he has to work on his drinking and I have to find ways to get better for me. I am not doing well at all and I am totally doing all the things that I know with trying to control, fix and do for my AH what he should be doing for himself.
Thank you all for letting me vent on here.
Mamakat
Hi Mamakat - yep, you are more than likely right - at this point in time, it does feel like you probably want his sobriety more than he does.
I know it was certainly like that for me and my ex-AW, as I did everything I could, including crying, begging, coercing her into her recovery, and after years & years of trying, she finally went to a 28-day Rehab. I was SO excited, and also a bit proud of myself - as I had "done good". Low and behold, she was drinking less than ten days after getting out of her Rehab, and in retrospect, she obviously wasn't ready (but I was!)
I love the old saying, that our A's will seek recovery when they are "sick and tired of being sick and tired". The same can be true for us Al-Anoners, and why our program is so critical for our own emotional well being. Time to focus on you and your recovery, regardless of what he does or doesn't do. When we do that, you're further ahead, no matter where his path takes him
Big hugs, and you are doing right by yourself, in getting back on here, and turning that energy and focus back onto you
Tom
Of course everything is a mess -- that's what happens to people's lives when they live with, love, deal with, etc., an alcoholic/addict...one who does not want to quit, get better, and find recovery. Whenever my wife was in detox or rehab...every single thing, every single conversation, discussion, word, thought, meeting, everything was NEVER about her getting better, getting clean and sober, and living a life of recovery. Hundreds of conversations, meetings, arguments, everything under the sun...except RECOVERY. So, in the end, when you cut away all the BS...that was her position and decision...and while it was going on, I did NOT want to see, hear or face that. That is when WE are in our own DENIAL. Alcoholics/addicts who want to get out of rehab just want out. Period. They will do, say, agree, etc., to whatever they can and have to in order to get out. Long term treatment? Of course not...the addict/alcoholic does NOT want to get better...and that's why they want to get out!!! If they wanted to get better -- truly get better -- then they would stay...PERIOD.
One of the directors at one of the rehabs my wife went to said "She doesn't have to work on her drinking, nor does she have to work on her not-drinking. She simply has to decide "enough" and want to get better, get clean and sober, and live a life of recovery...and until then...there's nothing else to discuss...it is up to her...just observe and wait for her to make her decision...it will be obvious..." AND HE WAS RIGHT.
If you want to get better -- YOU -- you should: a) go to face to face alanon meetings, b) find a sponsor, and, c) start working the program.
All the best.
((((Mamakat)))) appears to me that you have poked around at the program and learned enough stuff to direct you back that maybe something here will work for you. God I did that over and over and each time I got just enough to keep me lurking around the program until my Higher Power took the energy out of me to continue doing it and got me to do what was working for the "old timers" who kept coming back because they started to trust it would work maybe also. The resistance left and I keep coming back as directed and then as my sponsor directed because they directed me to get one of those sponsor persons. He taught me a word and a behavior called, "duplication"...finding out what was working with the others in the group and doing the same things myself. Working the steps and at first the 3 starter steps keeping in mind the most important word at the end of step 2...sanity. I knew I was insane...crazy, and had been for a long time causing me so much life problems.
The fellowship was so kind, loving and caring and never ever turned me away when I needed to learn an important step to "duplicate" and my sponsorship walked the entire journey, thru all the 12 steps with me, He was truly a gift from my HP as has been the others.
Today I attempt to "give away" all I have learned in Al-Anon which has given me sanity and a much better way of living my life.
Here I am again was a thought as I walked into my morning meeting and there they were also ready to do this journey again getting it right. Mahalo Akua...Thank you God. ((((Hugs))))
Kat
I have been doing all those things that you say.... screaming, crying, demanding, and giving ultimatums. Nothing works and it won't because it's not my disease to cure or control. I want so desperately to stop falling into this cycle with my AH. Right now I do feel good because he is in detox and I become anxious when I think about his release. I truly have to take this one day at a time and ask for help for myself, which I am not good at because I like to pretend that all is well due to shame of being married to my second AH. I know I cannot make any decisions that are big right now and I am already worried that I might just have to separate from my AH at some point, but I also know that I can only do today. Thank you for your input it has helped.
Kat
Bo, you are so right and it is up to him to want to get clean and sober.... but it is so damn disappointing for me and I cannot help feeling so defeated. I know its not about me, but it affects me so much so I know I am not alone in feeling like this. I want to scream, cry and throw a fit, but that doesn't help so here I am. I need help! I appreciate all of you letting me come and go as I need to and always here with kindness and acceptance. You all are blessings in my mess.
Kat
Kat in the early days of my recovery my home group use to read the AMA definition of Alcoholism which included that, "Alcoholism affects everyone it comes into contact with" and further experience confirmed that for me and others. I was born and raised in the disease on both sides of the family who had long involvement with alcohol and drugs before I was even conceived. I remember early familial insanity from the age of an before 9. We were living with insanity even then. Thank God for our programs of recovery. I truly came toward peace and hope when I was introduced to the 2nd step and that most important last word. "A continuous and orderly process of thought".
Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
I believe the same for us. I truly had to embrace all that this program offers, from morning to sleep, one day at a time. For me, when 'life' happens, my mind immediately goes to all that is wrong. My sponsor had to continuously ask me, "What's good?" "What's working well?" "What's improved?"
These small exercises - gratitude lists, asset lists - prayer for a change of thinking/doing - have all helped me stay a bit sane in the middle of chaos. It's all about continued practice, practice, practice...
My youngest went off the rails recently. He asked for help so he could go to Detox. My service was to store his belongings while he went to detox. He stayed less than 2 days. It's maddening to focus on the danger, fear, reality of this disease in him and it's all I can do each day to just do the next right thing. Yet, I do know deep within me that there is nothing I can do, say, etc. that will change him/his disease/actions. I literally give him over to God, my HP, thousands of times per day - each time I feel the fear/anxiety cropping up.
You are not the first person nor will you be the last who has reacted to the disease in less than healthy ways. The good news is today is a new day, and we are blessed being above ground to maybe just be gentle with ourselves, trust in a power greater than ourselves and do the next right thing while being loving and gentle to self. I do believe I deserve to be happy, joyous and free no matter what's going on around me and I keep that front and center in my mind.
Keep coming back, know you are not alone! There is hope and help in recovery. (((Hugs)))
When a person is on their knees, crawling, begging for help...that's when they are ready. And the ironic thing...that applies to both the alcoholic...and US!!! Think about it.
While I am all for gratitude and being grateful for where I am in life...when a person is in crisis...it's crisis mode. Survival mode. Do whatever it takes! FOR YOU. GET BETTER. DO THE WORK. I have never bought into the "take what is, compare it to something worse, just to make what is sound and look better" -- for me that's a cop-out. It breeds complacency, mediocrity, and DENIAL. But, that's just me. If you want to get better -- focus on that and YOU. Period.
My sponsor used to ask me...all the time...HOW'S THAT WORKING FOR YOU? That was my gut-check. All the best.
Kat, I was also thinking...awareness...you have complete awareness in and around how you are feeling...so you can surrender to it...and let it go...and then, meaning now, LOL, you can FOCUS ON YOU and your program, recovery, etc. You have help. Go to face to face meetings. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work.
Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners!