I'm posting because I really don't know what to do. I got married just over a month ago, and today was my DH's ninth month of sobriety. I stress "was", because today he started drinking again.
He text me that he was going to a friend's to watch football with the guys. I had a sliver of concern, but was fairly confident that he would not put himself in a situation that would threaten his sobriety. A little while later, he text me that he was having a beer and did not want to keep anything from me. I appreciated the honesty, but 1) can't understand how he thinks I wouldn't have known anyway and 2) can't understand why, after nine months, he would do this.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I walked down the aisle by myself last month because my father's alcoholism ruined our relationship and I do not see him. I was under no illusions that my DH was suddenly perfect because he had so many months of sobriety under his belt, but I'm frustrated. I know that addiction is a disease and that it is an on-going struggle. I also know it is not up to his friends to modify their behavior because of his sobriety, but I can't understand why they would invite him if they intended to drink.
I have never had alcohol or any other drug. Because I have had plenty of fun in my life without the aid alcohol and other drugs, I cannot comprehend why it is such a necessity for everyone else. It infuriates me how normalized it is in our culture - "Boozy brunches" and wine attached to EVERYTHING, like "Mommy sippy cups." Co-workers of mine had these ridiculous things so that they could drink while walking their kids around their neighborhoods for trick-or-treating!
I'm just so saddened and frustrated right now. I don't know if any of what I just said makes any sense, but thank you to the forum for letting me air my frustrations.
ouredhead said
Nov 25, 2018
Alcoholism is a family disease and is generational..he has to work his program and you have to work your's...
mamalioness said
Nov 25, 2018
So sorry this happened to you. You are not alone. I kept marrying into the disease until I realize that I was just repeating old patterns of my childhood. Thats when I drug myself into Al-Anon and began working on myself. Why did I keep repeating old painful patterns of living etc. Now is the time for you to work on your program with a sponsor and meetings and working the steps and working the slogans, everything the program has to offer so you can change you. Because you is the only thing you can change.
You will never be able to control or change him and though that is hard to accept, that is the reality. He has to either get help or not get help it is his choice not yours. But you can help you. You can discover you. You can ascertain what you really want in life and where you want to be but only if you work a committed and consistent program
I am glad you reached out to us. This is your first step to freedom
Iamhere said
Nov 25, 2018
Welcome to MIP WideAwakeLemon - so glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you found release in posting. Relapsing is very common with the disease - unfortunately. This is a disease which has no real cure - treated only through abstinence and some type of recovery support. AA is not for everyone and there are other options out there.
Alcoholism is considered a family disease as it does reach out and touch almost all who love or live with the Alcoholic. Al-Anon is a recovery program for friends and family members concerned about the drinking in another. For me, working on myself in Al-Anon was a game changer. The first thing I heard that stuck was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it.
I do suggest you seek out local meetings and give it a try. In Al-Anon, I found others who really understood me/my challenges as well as a safe place to share openly. The best part of the program is when the group is healthy, there is no advice giving - just sharing of ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope - with the intent to help others.
You are not alone, and there is hope and help. It is understandable that you are sad, disappointed, etc. This disease sucked the sanity and fun out of my life which did all change when I worked my recovery program. Please keep coming back - there is hope and help!
JerryF said
Nov 25, 2018
Aloha Wide Awake and welcome to the board family from this side of the planet. Our Al-Anon Program is in every corner of the globe so you are not alone. Alcoholism is thousands of years old and keep looking cause you will not ever run out of supportive information about I and the families it has affected over the life times.
Part of what we are grateful for is the "Coming to Understand" because as often as we try we come to understand more and more about this incurable often fatal disease.
Why did they invite him? It is his responsibility to get and stay sober...not theirs and not yours or anyone else. He knows what he has got no matter how he justifies or rationalizes it. The American Medical Association classifies our disease as incurable and progressive and arrested only by total abstinence...He knows and knows that he knows and might be allowing the area of the disease that affects us mentally to take the blame...NOT!! He knows.
What do you do? Have understanding and compassion and empathy for the sick man and the beers that took him down. You won't fix him so don't try. Go to a meeting and then coffee afterward and listen to those who came before you and have all the ESH for free.
Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
SerenityRUS said
Nov 25, 2018
I'm glad you are here, and I hope you will keep coming back.
Something I have observed in relationships is the idea that someone is going to change after the fact, once they get married they will straighten out was my hallucination .. once the kid came along it would force growing up and boy was I surprised it didn't get better it got worse.
9 months of sobriety is great however it's a drop in the bucket which is why recovery is one day at a time. I hope that as you move forward you take care of you first because it's so easy to become mired in addiction even when it's not yours. Although I found I was addicted to the addict for lack of a better term .. I got my highs and lows from the ups and downs of what he was or wasn't doing .. sober or drinking.
I remember talking to my XMIL while she was still living .. and here she was an alcoholic .. in her mind her son was not because .. he went to rehab .. it shouldn't be an issue anymore .. addiction recovery or active is life long it's not a temporary deal .. it's not a one time fix .. it's not a once they have been sober for 25 years it's no longer an issue .. it's day by day and every day of sobriety is a blessing.
I really hope you will find Alanon for you because you deserve peace regardless if your H is drinking or not. You deserve peace and you deserve to not feel crazy which after a time that's what it made me feel like.
Big hugs and do keep coming back :)
PosiesandPuppies said
Nov 26, 2018
Welcome, Lemon!
I am sorry for what brings you here, but I am supporting your decision to be here! It sounds to me like you went into the marriage with eyes wide open. But yes, 9 months of sobriety is still "early days."
Embrace the three C's and stick around... many veterans here who I have learned so much from! Keep coming back!
WideAwakeLemon said
Nov 26, 2018
Thank you everyone for your posts and the support. Today he got up and said that he felt like drinking had been an itch he needed to scratch. He also said he remembered why he stopped drinking in the first place: he didn't feel well, he was ashamed that his new wife had to take him to get his car, etc. I wanted to scream at him that the he does not have the capacity to do that, period. But I just listened.
To be honest, on a very basic level, I get it, because we all have those urges for various things our lives, right? But even though I understand that urge in general, I don't when it comes to addiction. This not like calling someone you broke up with when you know you shouldn't; this is literally life or death.
I know nine months is not a long time in the scheme of things, but it was a long time for him. It's the longest he's been sober since he started drinking back in college (he's in his late 30s, now). Before this nine months, his longest stretch was 45 days. I think he wants it to be easy, but I keep trying to tell him it probably never will be. There will be times that it is easier than others, but it's a lifetime fight. He has an AA meeting that he really likes, but I think he hates needing support to stay sober.
I am very aware that I didn't cause this, that I can't control it and that I can't cure it. But I'm struggling with how to be supportive without being an enabler. I don't want to let my inebriated husband drive home. If he was to get pulled over, than that's his problem as far as I'm concerned, but if I lost him or he hurt or killed someone else...that I can't reconcile.
I know his friends don't have a responsibility to help control his drinking, but I'm curious as to why they would even invite him over for something that was alcohol driven. If I had a friend that had a shopping addiction, I would invite her or him to go to dinner, not to the mall.
I'm rambling, so I'll stop now, but thank you all again for your help and support. I plan to keep being active on this board and hopefully learn how to cope.
Mattie said
Nov 26, 2018
Here's one thing I figured out about my situation. I couldn't see why my A went back to alcohol even though he knew it was going to cause trouble, even though he had every indication that it was going to cause trouble... But every time he'd think to himself, "This time will be different. Conditions are different so this time it won't be a problem." But the pattern was already longstanding and it always was a problem. So I'd say to myself, "How can he not see that??"
And for a long, long time, every time he did this, I'd stick with him. Every time he'd give up drink and stay sober for a while and I'd think to myself, "This time it will be different. Conditions are different so this time it won't be a problem." But the pattern was already longstanding and it always was a problem.
I realized that my lack of clarity about him was the same as his lack of clarity about alcohol. My relationship with him was my version of alcohol. I had large, serious denial going on - just as he did.
I know people who've been in recovery and sober and working their program for decades, and they relapse and it's all over. I know now that I don't dare get involved with people in recovery, even if their recovery seems stable and longterm. Because my own tendency is not to see straight when people are addicts, and if someone in recovery relapsed into addiction again, I'd plunge in the chaos with him. There'd be a big danger that I wouldn't protect myself and walk away. I would say all those same things to myself: "The next time it will be different..."
The most important thing we can do is to focus on our own recovery. I hope you'll find a good meeting, get the material, work your program, keep coming back.
JerryF said
Nov 26, 2018
Good on you to come back Aja that is evidence that you are not willing to enable the disease to grow and get worse. For me I learned that anything I did that made the disease grow and get worse was part enabling and then everything I was doing was causing that to happen then along came the 3 cees and I understood how much I did not know and had to go learn and understand from the beginning.
I took up the suggestion "keep coming back" and "If you keep and OPEN MIND you will find help" and the picture only started to come clearer. I wanted for her and not for me so I had to learn how to enable myself to get serene and sane and turn her over to her own recovery. It got better for me...way better and much worse for her as we left her up to her own choices and behaviors.
AA and Al-Anon are very similar in operation except for the focus. If he works his program as suggested you won't have much to do about his sobriety. Turn him over to his program and sponsor and higher power and do the same for your self. We don't have guarantees just one day at a time. ((((hugs))))
canadianguy said
Nov 27, 2018
Hi.... you've already received lots of great replies and support, so I'll focus on one thing.... the issue of his friends and whether or not they "should" have invited him to a place where there is drinking, etc...
This one is a very slippery slope, from my experience, for a number of reasons:
1. His friends want him as a friend, and they (rightfully) should not have to babysit his sobriety - that is your A's job, and his sobriety is his responsibility. All that being said, think about how your A would feel if these same friends chose the other (most likely) path, of simply not inviting him, for the reasons that there would be drinking there.... your A would likely be hurt, and feel left out, etc.....
2. Even you vocalizing and feeling that they "should" not have allowed a situation where your A could drink - again, in my experience - is a dangerous one for your A to see and hear from you, in that active A's are looking - often - for reason and people to blame for their bad choices. If he sees/hears you insinuating that his friends are at fault here, I think you can expect his disease to jump all over that, and use it as an excuse for why his bad & unhealthy choice was some outside influence, and therefore not under his ownership.....
Just a bit of food for thought. Bottom line is your A chose to drink, at least this once, and it is sounding like he is at least contemplating that "he can handle it now".
One of my favorite old sayings: "he is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care of yourself, and big hugs. None of this is ever easy
Hello,
I'm posting because I really don't know what to do. I got married just over a month ago, and today was my DH's ninth month of sobriety. I stress "was", because today he started drinking again.
He text me that he was going to a friend's to watch football with the guys. I had a sliver of concern, but was fairly confident that he would not put himself in a situation that would threaten his sobriety. A little while later, he text me that he was having a beer and did not want to keep anything from me. I appreciated the honesty, but 1) can't understand how he thinks I wouldn't have known anyway and 2) can't understand why, after nine months, he would do this.
I am the daughter of an alcoholic. I walked down the aisle by myself last month because my father's alcoholism ruined our relationship and I do not see him. I was under no illusions that my DH was suddenly perfect because he had so many months of sobriety under his belt, but I'm frustrated. I know that addiction is a disease and that it is an on-going struggle. I also know it is not up to his friends to modify their behavior because of his sobriety, but I can't understand why they would invite him if they intended to drink.
I have never had alcohol or any other drug. Because I have had plenty of fun in my life without the aid alcohol and other drugs, I cannot comprehend why it is such a necessity for everyone else. It infuriates me how normalized it is in our culture - "Boozy brunches" and wine attached to EVERYTHING, like "Mommy sippy cups." Co-workers of mine had these ridiculous things so that they could drink while walking their kids around their neighborhoods for trick-or-treating!
I'm just so saddened and frustrated right now. I don't know if any of what I just said makes any sense, but thank you to the forum for letting me air my frustrations.
You will never be able to control or change him and though that is hard to accept, that is the reality. He has to either get help or not get help it is his choice not yours. But you can help you. You can discover you. You can ascertain what you really want in life and where you want to be but only if you work a committed and consistent program
I am glad you reached out to us. This is your first step to freedom
Alcoholism is considered a family disease as it does reach out and touch almost all who love or live with the Alcoholic. Al-Anon is a recovery program for friends and family members concerned about the drinking in another. For me, working on myself in Al-Anon was a game changer. The first thing I heard that stuck was the three C(s) - I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it and I can't Cure it.
I do suggest you seek out local meetings and give it a try. In Al-Anon, I found others who really understood me/my challenges as well as a safe place to share openly. The best part of the program is when the group is healthy, there is no advice giving - just sharing of ESH - Experience, Strength & Hope - with the intent to help others.
You are not alone, and there is hope and help. It is understandable that you are sad, disappointed, etc. This disease sucked the sanity and fun out of my life which did all change when I worked my recovery program. Please keep coming back - there is hope and help!
Aloha Wide Awake and welcome to the board family from this side of the planet. Our Al-Anon Program is in every corner of the globe so you are not alone. Alcoholism is thousands of years old and keep looking cause you will not ever run out of supportive information about I and the families it has affected over the life times.
Part of what we are grateful for is the "Coming to Understand" because as often as we try we come to understand more and more about this incurable often fatal disease.
Why did they invite him? It is his responsibility to get and stay sober...not theirs and not yours or anyone else. He knows what he has got no matter how he justifies or rationalizes it. The American Medical Association classifies our disease as incurable and progressive and arrested only by total abstinence...He knows and knows that he knows and might be allowing the area of the disease that affects us mentally to take the blame...NOT!! He knows.
What do you do? Have understanding and compassion and empathy for the sick man and the beers that took him down. You won't fix him so don't try. Go to a meeting and then coffee afterward and listen to those who came before you and have all the ESH for free.
Keep coming back here also. (((((hugs)))))
Something I have observed in relationships is the idea that someone is going to change after the fact, once they get married they will straighten out was my hallucination .. once the kid came along it would force growing up and boy was I surprised it didn't get better it got worse.
9 months of sobriety is great however it's a drop in the bucket which is why recovery is one day at a time. I hope that as you move forward you take care of you first because it's so easy to become mired in addiction even when it's not yours. Although I found I was addicted to the addict for lack of a better term .. I got my highs and lows from the ups and downs of what he was or wasn't doing .. sober or drinking.
I remember talking to my XMIL while she was still living .. and here she was an alcoholic .. in her mind her son was not because .. he went to rehab .. it shouldn't be an issue anymore .. addiction recovery or active is life long it's not a temporary deal .. it's not a one time fix .. it's not a once they have been sober for 25 years it's no longer an issue .. it's day by day and every day of sobriety is a blessing.
I really hope you will find Alanon for you because you deserve peace regardless if your H is drinking or not. You deserve peace and you deserve to not feel crazy which after a time that's what it made me feel like.
Big hugs and do keep coming back :)
I am sorry for what brings you here, but I am supporting your decision to be here! It sounds to me like you went into the marriage with eyes wide open. But yes, 9 months of sobriety is still "early days."
Embrace the three C's and stick around... many veterans here who I have learned so much from! Keep coming back!
To be honest, on a very basic level, I get it, because we all have those urges for various things our lives, right? But even though I understand that urge in general, I don't when it comes to addiction. This not like calling someone you broke up with when you know you shouldn't; this is literally life or death.
I know nine months is not a long time in the scheme of things, but it was a long time for him. It's the longest he's been sober since he started drinking back in college (he's in his late 30s, now). Before this nine months, his longest stretch was 45 days. I think he wants it to be easy, but I keep trying to tell him it probably never will be. There will be times that it is easier than others, but it's a lifetime fight. He has an AA meeting that he really likes, but I think he hates needing support to stay sober.
I am very aware that I didn't cause this, that I can't control it and that I can't cure it. But I'm struggling with how to be supportive without being an enabler. I don't want to let my inebriated husband drive home. If he was to get pulled over, than that's his problem as far as I'm concerned, but if I lost him or he hurt or killed someone else...that I can't reconcile.
I know his friends don't have a responsibility to help control his drinking, but I'm curious as to why they would even invite him over for something that was alcohol driven. If I had a friend that had a shopping addiction, I would invite her or him to go to dinner, not to the mall.
I'm rambling, so I'll stop now, but thank you all again for your help and support. I plan to keep being active on this board and hopefully learn how to cope.
Here's one thing I figured out about my situation. I couldn't see why my A went back to alcohol even though he knew it was going to cause trouble, even though he had every indication that it was going to cause trouble... But every time he'd think to himself, "This time will be different. Conditions are different so this time it won't be a problem." But the pattern was already longstanding and it always was a problem. So I'd say to myself, "How can he not see that??"
And for a long, long time, every time he did this, I'd stick with him. Every time he'd give up drink and stay sober for a while and I'd think to myself, "This time it will be different. Conditions are different so this time it won't be a problem." But the pattern was already longstanding and it always was a problem.
I realized that my lack of clarity about him was the same as his lack of clarity about alcohol. My relationship with him was my version of alcohol. I had large, serious denial going on - just as he did.
I know people who've been in recovery and sober and working their program for decades, and they relapse and it's all over. I know now that I don't dare get involved with people in recovery, even if their recovery seems stable and longterm. Because my own tendency is not to see straight when people are addicts, and if someone in recovery relapsed into addiction again, I'd plunge in the chaos with him. There'd be a big danger that I wouldn't protect myself and walk away. I would say all those same things to myself: "The next time it will be different..."
The most important thing we can do is to focus on our own recovery. I hope you'll find a good meeting, get the material, work your program, keep coming back.
Good on you to come back Aja that is evidence that you are not willing to enable the disease to grow and get worse. For me I learned that anything I did that made the disease grow and get worse was part enabling and then everything I was doing was causing that to happen then along came the 3 cees and I understood how much I did not know and had to go learn and understand from the beginning.
I took up the suggestion "keep coming back" and "If you keep and OPEN MIND you will find help" and the picture only started to come clearer. I wanted for her and not for me so I had to learn how to enable myself to get serene and sane and turn her over to her own recovery. It got better for me...way better and much worse for her as we left her up to her own choices and behaviors.
AA and Al-Anon are very similar in operation except for the focus. If he works his program as suggested you won't have much to do about his sobriety. Turn him over to his program and sponsor and higher power and do the same for your self. We don't have guarantees just one day at a time. ((((hugs))))
Hi.... you've already received lots of great replies and support, so I'll focus on one thing.... the issue of his friends and whether or not they "should" have invited him to a place where there is drinking, etc...
This one is a very slippery slope, from my experience, for a number of reasons:
1. His friends want him as a friend, and they (rightfully) should not have to babysit his sobriety - that is your A's job, and his sobriety is his responsibility. All that being said, think about how your A would feel if these same friends chose the other (most likely) path, of simply not inviting him, for the reasons that there would be drinking there.... your A would likely be hurt, and feel left out, etc.....
2. Even you vocalizing and feeling that they "should" not have allowed a situation where your A could drink - again, in my experience - is a dangerous one for your A to see and hear from you, in that active A's are looking - often - for reason and people to blame for their bad choices. If he sees/hears you insinuating that his friends are at fault here, I think you can expect his disease to jump all over that, and use it as an excuse for why his bad & unhealthy choice was some outside influence, and therefore not under his ownership.....
Just a bit of food for thought. Bottom line is your A chose to drink, at least this once, and it is sounding like he is at least contemplating that "he can handle it now".
One of my favorite old sayings: "he is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?
Take care of yourself, and big hugs. None of this is ever easy
Tom