I try not to interfere with things because honestly its none of my business and I feel like its my husbands place to say things because its his parents. Last night we went to go have dinner with his parents and they were babysitting for us so we could go see a movie. My father in law is an alcoholic(the can't function sober type). Out of all his siblings only my husband and his brother are working and have their own place. The rest still live with his parents and its caused quite a bit of grief because they are addicts in their own right. But last night my MIL was just so sad. She didn't want us to leave(we live 30 minutes away) and said she is considering moving back to where we are because its not working out. My husband had to remind her that she moved there because of the trouble his siblings were getting into and though its calmed quite a bit, his siblings are just not functioning at all(she is paying for everything and all they do is drink). My MIL bought a big house for all of them to stay in but its backfired because her kids are bringing people there to drink, drug etc. and now with that her husband is getting out of control. He's added smoking weed to his itinerary of not wanting to be sober. I felt really bad for leaving because she wanted to talk to my husband and all he told her was that she chose to buy that big house and let these people in and that dad will never sober up/be there for her unless she does something about it. Kinda harsh in the way he said it but he told me later that he's not going to baby her on the subject because she is very co-dependant and has to take care of everyone and now that he is gone(we live away from them and he was the referee) she is finally realizing what has been going on all along. I had to think about it because when she did live in town, we rarely saw her and she was just coming and going because of her kids whims. I told her last night that she is the only one who can change how her way her life is and she replied that she doesn't want her kids to go downhill and I said well...some peoples idea of bottom is another persons idea of living. She didn't get what I was saying at all...but I didn't go to deep into it because she was distracted by her husband bugging her for money for more beer, his excuse was that his son was visiting and he wanted to have "conversation" my husband told him that he wasn't there for that dad and he still went and bought his beer.
I guess what I'm asking is...I'm thinking of giving her a book on alcoholic marriages. I don't think it will do anything because she hasn't made any big changes in her marriage in the last twenty years and she's extremely co-dependant. But she was very receptive to my books that I loaned her from alanon and maybe it will give her some insight after what she was telling us last night. Any recommendations will do.
JerryF said
Nov 20, 2018
Pol you have the heart of those of us who are Al-Anon Family Members and who have been there and done that arriving at the wisdom that it take a program of many to bring us to sanity. What worked for you? Will you give that away to her including a meeting schedule and your other daily readers? For me that is all that I know that has worked and it is all that I "duplicate" as my sponsor and HP directed me. I've got you and her in my prayers. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
hotrod said
Nov 21, 2018
HI Pol Tradition 11 states that we do not promote alanon but "attract" members by practicing program I would do as you suggested tell MIl of alanon give her a"Beginners "pack and let go. Sending positive thoughts your way
Iamhere said
Nov 21, 2018
(((Pol))) - I too would just make mention of Al-Anon and then step aside. I am always amazed at how HP brings people to recovery when they are ready! I too am sending positive thoughts and prayers for all - the disease is wide-spread and I'm one who believes all could benefit from the many tools in recovery.
Lyne said
Nov 21, 2018
Hi Pol-As I read all these shares I just thought of the Serenity Prayer. The courage to change the things you can....I think any reading you want to share with her, from a new comer's packet to a book, is all fine. The catch is to give it to her, and then let go and let God, with no expectations. Good luck! Lyne
Bo said
Nov 21, 2018
Alanon is a program of...attraction, not promotion...
We understand that. If someone is asking for help, we can offer it, we can make it available, we can point it out, and so on. Certainly.
Pol said
Nov 21, 2018
We talk really deeply when we do talk to each other but I have reached the plateau of I dont know. I m not telling her what to do and I dont want to tell her what to do because its not my problem. But I think with just my conversations with her that she is just looking for something and idk what that is yet. She was very open to the alanon speaker(father Tom Weston) and listens to the cd frequently. That being said I dont really promote the program to her, she and I are very close and she asked questions about how I was dealing with everything because my family is not around. Honestly I think Im probably the first person shes had in her family say hey guess what I cant handle this anymore and maybe this alcoholism is a problem(my husband is an alcoholic recovered and my family).
Iamhere said
Nov 21, 2018
Pol - just another thought ... since you are close and at a loss how to help, perhaps it's as simple as, "How can I be of service?" I use this often so another will know I am willing but not sure what another truly needs...I have a habit of owning things like this, and my sponsor helps me process and see that I am not the owner, just a bystander willing to assist if possible.
Bo said
Nov 21, 2018
I think just "being there" is of tremendous value and comfort to her. She doesn't feel alone, without someone who knows, someone who understands. Being there for her, in a healthy and supportive way...is a great thing. It's like when I was visiting my step-son in prison. He wanted me to relay messages to his mom, the lawyer, find out who was doing what, what this person said, how did that idea work out, and so on. I didn't participate in any of it. I was there for him -- not to do what he wanted me to do -- but just there as support, belief that IF he wanted to get better (he was a heroin addict), he could, and he would, and I believed in him.
I don't think everyone understands the difference between being there for someone in a healthy and supportive way...and...being there vis a vis being involved, participating, engaging, and so on. That said...in my experience...I would not simply and blanketly offer help. Then the ask for help comes, and you may have to say no. Set the tone, set the bar, set the expectations. Then the ask comes, and if you have to say no, then you can refer back to your position/offer/boundary. Ask if you want, but I would not just offer.
Either you are in the audience, and you sit in the first row of the broadway show and watch the show, and you clap, provide applause, etc...or you volunteer and go jump up on stage and become one of the characters in the show...and sometimes you get pulled up on stage by one of the actors!!!
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 21st of November 2018 08:16:32 PM
Pol said
Nov 22, 2018
Thanks all its a tough subject me and my husband have been struggling with for awhile. He loves his parents and so do I but we tend to just detach at a certain point due to how his mom wants us to just take over and do something. And we both know that we arent up for that because his mom will just go back to her old ways. That being said, I feel like just dropping off the material for alanon and the resources I use and calling it a day. It is very conflicting because I see the struggle on her part but also she is not willing to take that step forward to do something not drastic but just different from her situation. Sorry long post its hard. Thats why I thought the alcoholic marriage books would be a good Idea. She asks about this stuff and Im not a good person on the subject due to different experiences. That and idk if shes doing it to be nice or shes genuinely interested. Its tough.
Iamhere said
Nov 22, 2018
Hey Pol - Detaching is a great tool and a necessary vs. optional part of my recovery. I have learned that there is a huge difference between being of service to others and getting sucked back into situations I have no part in. Well defined boundaries support what I can/will do for others vs. what I can't/won't do for others. Many of my boundaries are black/white (won't buy alcohol or serve alcohol in my home) while others can be a bit flexible (I won't give money to an active alcoholic but I will fill a gas tank for work or buy a meal).
What's awesome about recovery is we each get to define our boundaries and our point of detachment. Both sides of the program suggest that we carry the message, and not the person. I also have no problem simply stating that I am not an expert on any subject. I do know that I can practice unconditional love of those in my family in spite of this disease and without knowing what's in their heart or mind with good boundaries and program tools.
Enjoy your day - and your signature quote speaks to me! Love it - one of my favorites...(((Hugs)))
I try not to interfere with things because honestly its none of my business and I feel like its my husbands place to say things because its his parents. Last night we went to go have dinner with his parents and they were babysitting for us so we could go see a movie. My father in law is an alcoholic(the can't function sober type). Out of all his siblings only my husband and his brother are working and have their own place. The rest still live with his parents and its caused quite a bit of grief because they are addicts in their own right. But last night my MIL was just so sad. She didn't want us to leave(we live 30 minutes away) and said she is considering moving back to where we are because its not working out. My husband had to remind her that she moved there because of the trouble his siblings were getting into and though its calmed quite a bit, his siblings are just not functioning at all(she is paying for everything and all they do is drink). My MIL bought a big house for all of them to stay in but its backfired because her kids are bringing people there to drink, drug etc. and now with that her husband is getting out of control. He's added smoking weed to his itinerary of not wanting to be sober. I felt really bad for leaving because she wanted to talk to my husband and all he told her was that she chose to buy that big house and let these people in and that dad will never sober up/be there for her unless she does something about it. Kinda harsh in the way he said it but he told me later that he's not going to baby her on the subject because she is very co-dependant and has to take care of everyone and now that he is gone(we live away from them and he was the referee) she is finally realizing what has been going on all along. I had to think about it because when she did live in town, we rarely saw her and she was just coming and going because of her kids whims. I told her last night that she is the only one who can change how her way her life is and she replied that she doesn't want her kids to go downhill and I said well...some peoples idea of bottom is another persons idea of living. She didn't get what I was saying at all...but I didn't go to deep into it because she was distracted by her husband bugging her for money for more beer, his excuse was that his son was visiting and he wanted to have "conversation" my husband told him that he wasn't there for that dad and he still went and bought his beer.
I guess what I'm asking is...I'm thinking of giving her a book on alcoholic marriages. I don't think it will do anything because she hasn't made any big changes in her marriage in the last twenty years and she's extremely co-dependant. But she was very receptive to my books that I loaned her from alanon and maybe it will give her some insight after what she was telling us last night. Any recommendations will do.
Pol you have the heart of those of us who are Al-Anon Family Members and who have been there and done that arriving at the wisdom that it take a program of many to bring us to sanity. What worked for you? Will you give that away to her including a meeting schedule and your other daily readers? For me that is all that I know that has worked and it is all that I "duplicate" as my sponsor and HP directed me. I've got you and her in my prayers. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
We understand that. If someone is asking for help, we can offer it, we can make it available, we can point it out, and so on. Certainly.
I think just "being there" is of tremendous value and comfort to her. She doesn't feel alone, without someone who knows, someone who understands. Being there for her, in a healthy and supportive way...is a great thing. It's like when I was visiting my step-son in prison. He wanted me to relay messages to his mom, the lawyer, find out who was doing what, what this person said, how did that idea work out, and so on. I didn't participate in any of it. I was there for him -- not to do what he wanted me to do -- but just there as support, belief that IF he wanted to get better (he was a heroin addict), he could, and he would, and I believed in him.
I don't think everyone understands the difference between being there for someone in a healthy and supportive way...and...being there vis a vis being involved, participating, engaging, and so on. That said...in my experience...I would not simply and blanketly offer help. Then the ask for help comes, and you may have to say no. Set the tone, set the bar, set the expectations. Then the ask comes, and if you have to say no, then you can refer back to your position/offer/boundary. Ask if you want, but I would not just offer.
Either you are in the audience, and you sit in the first row of the broadway show and watch the show, and you clap, provide applause, etc...or you volunteer and go jump up on stage and become one of the characters in the show...and sometimes you get pulled up on stage by one of the actors!!!
-- Edited by Bo on Wednesday 21st of November 2018 08:16:32 PM
What's awesome about recovery is we each get to define our boundaries and our point of detachment. Both sides of the program suggest that we carry the message, and not the person. I also have no problem simply stating that I am not an expert on any subject. I do know that I can practice unconditional love of those in my family in spite of this disease and without knowing what's in their heart or mind with good boundaries and program tools.
Enjoy your day - and your signature quote speaks to me! Love it - one of my favorites...(((Hugs)))