How do I tell my sponsee I cannot be her sponsor any longer
Zoomie99 said
Nov 15, 2018
I am a sponsor and my sponsee has not been coming to many meetings. She phones me when she is upset. I do not think I am helping her. Also, she sometimes attends a different meeting. How do I tell her I cannot be her sponsor any longer?
hotrod said
Nov 15, 2018
Welocme Zoomie I have told sponsees that i did not think the relationship was working and that I did not feel as if I was helping her grow so that i was resigning . That worked and we are still friends with no hard feelings Good Luck
mamalioness said
Nov 15, 2018
Hi Zoomie
I have had to fire myself as well when it comes to sponsor sponsee relationships.
Like Betty said, I very kindly and lovingly tell them I dont think that we are a match anymore and that I dont think I can give them the services that they need at the time and therefore I am going to stop being their sponsor. I have done this a couple of times and I just kept the focus on me saying that we were not a match, but I didnt think I could help them anymore kept the focus on me and that way I kept it clean as far is any accusations on my part against them. I have worked with people or try to who just refused to work the steps, all they wanted was a sounding board and so as soon as I picked up on that, I would just tell them that I am a very serious step worker and slogan worker and meeting worker and all of that and that I was not a good match for them. It happens.
Being a sponsor is a volunteer service. You are not obligated to stay with somebody that is not following the program principles and your guidance. By the way, welcome to the board, I dont believe Ive seen you post before, Im glad youre here
SerenityRUS said
Nov 15, 2018
I don't know if you did this or not .. before my sponsor took me on she was very clear that at any time EITHER of us could terminate the sponsor/sponsee relationship for any reason and for me that was a good feeling to know off of the bat that was something that we were both free to do.
My sponsor had the experience of having to let go of a sponsor and it didn't go really well. The sponsor was highly offended .. it was what it was and she worked through it. I don't know about sponsee. Based upon what I know about her she was very kind, loving, direct and owned her stuff and never blamed others for whatever was going on. I picture her doing what both Rose and Betty have suggested and honestly I don't think you need to JADE the reason, however if she's going to other meetings it might help her with her own growth to continue with someone who IS at her current meeting that really helps in a sponsor/sponsee relationship .. that's my opinion.
Big hugs and this too shall pass.
JerryF said
Nov 15, 2018
I use compassion, love and understanding and no excuses. I suggest he/she find another sponsor because I will not continue as a sponsor. I have had sponsors make the change with me and because HP is always involved I still got the miracles...many and major. Also use hugs when doing it...((((Hugs))))
Bo said
Nov 15, 2018
You received some excellent guidance, suggestions, advice, etc., here in this thread. I will add to the good ideas and add...Be kind. Be compassionate. Keep giving. Try and let, achieve, attain, whatever you want to call it, so that the other person is walking away from this discussion, being a better person. All the best.
Zoomie99 said
Nov 15, 2018
Thank you to all for your suggestions. This is my first time on this site and hope to get more information
mamalioness said
Nov 15, 2018
((((((((((((((((((Zoomie99)))))))))))))))))) like Jerry said, "always use hugs" I'm glad you got good insight..Everyone had a great share for you...Please keep coming back..This miracle program works if we work it........
tiredtonite said
Nov 16, 2018
Hi Zoomie
Alot of wisdom has been offered. I guess I guess I would just add that I have found it better to not wait very long when I need to have a serious conversation because it just messes with my serenity and causes me to over think things which lends itself to resentment of the other person. From a place of stinking thinking, I am not likely to bring my best self to the conversation. I ask my hp to be with me in thoughts, words and actions. I have needed to let go a sponsor, have let go of sponsees and have been let go by sponsees as well. For me, it's all the same. We are all equals in Alanon and have a right to the best recovery experience we can give ourselves. In the best of experiences when a relationship ends, I let go expressing my gratitude and love to my hp and the person for being in my life. Being teachable by my hp and all who touch my life is the goal. Thank you for your question and this topic. I hope your conversation goes well. TT
Lyne said
Nov 16, 2018
Hello Zoomie. My first sponsor fired me after about 6 weeks in a very abrupt manner. I was brand new to program and I felt hurt and rejected. Then my new sponsor taught me about carrying a QTIP=quit taking it personally. That helped a lot.
If your sponsee wants help she will find a way to get it. I liked what you said in your first post: just say the truth! Lyne
Iamhere said
Nov 16, 2018
Welcome to MIP Zoomie! Glad you found us and glad that you jumped right in. I've been fired and I've also let others go. Part of my disease and defects is that I don't want to stir the pot and I don't want to hurt others....to the point where I used to suffer in silence instead of speaking my truth.
We say often in Al-Anon to "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean." My sponsor has worked extensively with me to use I statements when speaking my truth and not use so many words! I do really when when I consider my truth from the perspective of....
This is the situations.
These are the facts.
How do I feel about it?
How do I talk about it without the word YOU....
I had to learn that starting discussions with YOU immediately puts another on the defense and using I instead helps me to focus on how it's affecting me.
Hope that helps - keep coming back!
Bo said
Nov 16, 2018
Zoomie, remember, you are the one making this decision -- not her. You said she has not been coming to many meetings, phones you when she is upset, and she sometimes attends a different meeting. Whether they are valid reasons or not -- that's your call -- and most importantly, you do not think you are helping her.
That said, these are your reasons, your feelings, and of course, your call. In my experience -- this is not simply or blindly about speaking your "truth" so to speak. It may not be important, given the goal you have, to speak your mind, speak your truth, etc., in totality. You feel you are not helping her. She may feel different, LOL. Doesn't matter. Be kind should be your first goal. Telling her you don't feel you are helping her, don't feel you can help her, don't feel the "connection" that works for you, and whatever else you feel ABOUT YOU, is fine. However, do you have to tell her about her? Not going to meetings? Attending another meeting? To what end? Make it about you and be kind. Let her walk away feeling OK, not rejected nor dejected.
Speaking your truth is an exercise for YOU. This doesn't have to be -- nor should it be -- simply about YOU. It is also about her, and hoping she doesn't feel any negative residual as a result of the discussion. I wish you all the best.
I am a sponsor and my sponsee has not been coming to many meetings. She phones me when she is upset. I do not think I am helping her. Also, she sometimes attends a different meeting. How do I tell her I cannot be her sponsor any longer?
Welocme Zoomie I have told sponsees that i did not think the relationship was working and that I did not feel as if I was helping her grow so that i was resigning . That worked and we are still friends with no hard feelings
Good Luck
I have had to fire myself as well when it comes to sponsor sponsee relationships.
Like Betty said, I very kindly and lovingly tell them I dont think that we are a match anymore and that I dont think I can give them the services that they need at the time and therefore I am going to stop being their sponsor. I have done this a couple of times and I just kept the focus on me saying that we were not a match, but I didnt think I could help them anymore kept the focus on me and that way I kept it clean as far is any accusations on my part against them. I have worked with people or try to who just refused to work the steps, all they wanted was a sounding board and so as soon as I picked up on that, I would just tell them that I am a very serious step worker and slogan worker and meeting worker and all of that and that I was not a good match for them. It happens.
Being a sponsor is a volunteer service. You are not obligated to stay with somebody that is not following the program principles and your guidance. By the way, welcome to the board, I dont believe Ive seen you post before, Im glad youre here
My sponsor had the experience of having to let go of a sponsor and it didn't go really well. The sponsor was highly offended .. it was what it was and she worked through it. I don't know about sponsee. Based upon what I know about her she was very kind, loving, direct and owned her stuff and never blamed others for whatever was going on. I picture her doing what both Rose and Betty have suggested and honestly I don't think you need to JADE the reason, however if she's going to other meetings it might help her with her own growth to continue with someone who IS at her current meeting that really helps in a sponsor/sponsee relationship .. that's my opinion.
Big hugs and this too shall pass.
I use compassion, love and understanding and no excuses. I suggest he/she find another sponsor because I will not continue as a sponsor. I have had sponsors make the change with me and because HP is always involved I still got the miracles...many and major. Also use hugs when doing it...((((Hugs))))
If your sponsee wants help she will find a way to get it. I liked what you said in your first post: just say the truth! Lyne
We say often in Al-Anon to "Say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean." My sponsor has worked extensively with me to use I statements when speaking my truth and not use so many words! I do really when when I consider my truth from the perspective of....
This is the situations.
These are the facts.
How do I feel about it?
How do I talk about it without the word YOU....
I had to learn that starting discussions with YOU immediately puts another on the defense and using I instead helps me to focus on how it's affecting me.
Hope that helps - keep coming back!
That said, these are your reasons, your feelings, and of course, your call. In my experience -- this is not simply or blindly about speaking your "truth" so to speak. It may not be important, given the goal you have, to speak your mind, speak your truth, etc., in totality. You feel you are not helping her. She may feel different, LOL. Doesn't matter. Be kind should be your first goal. Telling her you don't feel you are helping her, don't feel you can help her, don't feel the "connection" that works for you, and whatever else you feel ABOUT YOU, is fine. However, do you have to tell her about her? Not going to meetings? Attending another meeting? To what end? Make it about you and be kind. Let her walk away feeling OK, not rejected nor dejected.
Speaking your truth is an exercise for YOU. This doesn't have to be -- nor should it be -- simply about YOU. It is also about her, and hoping she doesn't feel any negative residual as a result of the discussion. I wish you all the best.