My alcoholic's drinking has kept me from having many friends. My siblings all live in different parts of the country, as do my kids and grand children, except for one son who, for the time being, lives nearby with his family. We are especially close to his 6 year old son who has spent a lot of time with us since he was born. Other than them, I have co-workers that I don't see outside of work, and a couple friends at church, one of whom I occasionally meet for lunch or a movie.
At 67, I could have retired already, but my spouse still works, and I don't know what I would do with so much free time. As this was a second marriage for us both, we still have a mortgage, so if we divorce it will take everything I have to find another place to live. But his drinking is becoming worse and he when he comes in from work he has already had a beer or two, then drinks until he falls asleep. If he adds liquor to the mix, he become an obnoxious, mean spirited drunk. He has pushed me and blocked the door to keep me from leaving. I've actually left the house before to avoid him, driving 20 or more miles to sit in a Walmart parking lot for hours because there's nowhere else to go. I've been afraid he might actually hurt me, so I try to keep the peace. He is remorseful the next day and has all kinds of plans to change, but insists he can do it on his own.
The only thing keeping me here right now is my grandson. He loves my husband and if we divorced I think it would break his heart. I'm just so tired and feel there is no place to turn.
JerryF said
Nov 10, 2018
Lee if you haven't already...go to the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for your local Al-Anon family Groups and call as soon as you can to connect with others and meetings which will help change this situation for you. There is help out there for you and for us that we have made use of to allow us a much better life than living with the daily insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction. Please call and then come back as tell us how it came out for you. If you don't do anything different you will continue to have the insanity you are going thru now. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
wp said
Nov 10, 2018
Hi Lee, We can't tell you what to do, but I suggest you get yourself to alanon meetings where you live and on a regular basis. You will find people there with similar challenges and better yet friends who understand. I relate to your isolation and loneliness. My adult children all live on the opposite side of the country and I shouldered plenty of anxiety on my own for years; with the help of alanon I survived and things have gotten better. In fact, to me it's almost miraculous how much life has gradually improved with my alanon experiences. Please join us online too if you already haven't. You can learn how to take care of YOU.
wp
Freetime said
Nov 10, 2018
Dear Lee, as you mentioned he has pushed you and blocked the door, consider contacting a Domestic Violence hotline, just to get some advice on how to keep yourself safe. No one deserves to be afraid in their own home. {{{Hugs to you.}}}
tiredtonite said
Nov 10, 2018
Hi Lee,
It's really hard to live with someone whose drinking is progressing. The feelings of loneliness and powerlessness can be overwhelming. I guess this is why I like the statement that "Alanon is a program for life." Not only does it remind us to keep coming back, it also is a life affirming statement. The support of the fellowship can be so comforting - a kind word, a hug, a smile, a sense of relief that I am not in this alone. I learned long ago that as long as there are alcoholics in my life whether they are drinking or not, I will need this program and the people in it. My emotional, spiritual and physical well-being progresses when I work the program and continue my recovery journey by making meetings and connecting those in recovery a part of my life. It's good to see you with us again. As was already offered, we have online meetings here and this board can be valuable as well. My personal experience is that I need coming here and in person Alanon for my recovery.
I don't know you or how you feel but when I lived with someone actively drinking I felt frustrated, angry, tired and often hopeless. I kept it all a secret as much as I could from family and I held tight to the good impressions family at a distance had of my husband and distanced myself further to hold onto that and talk myself into believing it was my reality while his illness progressed. That was my sickness. A crisis brought me into the program. I learned that I had to take care of myself every day and that I couldn't be a visitor to Alanon just when things were going especially badly. I tried that and I couldn't maintain serenity for long. For me, my life depends on it - working the program in my life, in situations, with loved ones and including others in Alanon in my life so I can keep learning and recoverying and feel less isolated and lonely. I hope you'll keep sharing your recovery journey here and have discovered some meetings you especially like attending. We're never alone. Hp and the unconditional love of others in the program is there for us. I'm grateful. ((hugs))) TT
Lyne said
Nov 11, 2018
{{{Lee}}}. You are describing a life where you are not free. We are able to change if we take the proper actions. I like all the above responses: getting involved in Alanon, consulting with a domestic violence agency, and I would add a free consultation with an attorney. I learned that no one in Alanon tells me what to do. But many have similar situations and their experience, strength, and hope, has been a lifeline for me. Collecting data and having support make a huge difference in breaking that hopeless, stuck position. We all have choices, and by informing ourselves, we can make better decisions. And many people stay with their alcoholic, but they become better equipped at coping, setting boundaries, and ensuring safety for themself. Keep coming back. Help is here for you, Lyne
Iamhere said
Nov 11, 2018
(((Lee))) - sending you tons of thoughts and prayers - you are not alone. I too encourage you to reach out to local Al-Anon as best you can - they will be able to support you and relate. I also encourage you to contact any/all outside agencies for support. The disease is progressive and personal safety is important for your survival.
Hoping today is brighter for you - keep coming back!
Bo said
Nov 11, 2018
First and foremost -- there is physical violence here. That means all bets are off! If that happens, call the police!!! There are no circumstances where a person should feel threatened with physical violence, or otherwise, and they should accept that and do nothing. Nobody -- nobody can predict what a person could and would do while under the influence.
That said, in my experience, when an alcoholic and their drinking and their behavior "controls" another's life, prevents friendships, prevents relationships, causes isolation, and more of the like...that is very detrimental and very damaging. For me, it destined me to a life of misery. It prevented me from maintaining relationships, friendships, and prevented me from getting the support and help I NEEDED. It prevented me from living! It prevented me from getting better.
In addition, in my experience, when "the tail wags the dog" so to speak -- not only did it prevent me from getting better, but it made me worse. When I clutched onto "the only thing" that kept me from leaving, it was worse for me. I was forced into accepting unacceptable behavior. I was forced into what I referred to as a prison, of misery and of sickness. I was forced into it -- because of the "the only thing" that kept me from leaving. Part of it was denial for me. Another part, in looking at the hard-core truth...was that I was afraid to leave. I didn't want to leave. And I didn't get better.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. When the fear and pain of staying is greater than the fear and pain of leaving...then one leaves. Until then...nothing changes if nothing changes. It is sad that you have to drive far away and sit in a parking lot, simply to escape. What kind of life is that.
Hang in there. Keep doing what YOU need to do for YOU. Talk to your son. There is a solution for you. You just need to find it. All the best.
JerryF said
Nov 11, 2018
((((Lee)))).violence is just one of the natural insanities of alcoholism and drug addiction. When alcohol takes over the brain and it's thinking processes the expected results contain violence along with others. We go from sanity to UN-sanity and the consequences include injury and/or death. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and not only for the drinker. Get out of the way is a sane mindset and take your Higher Power with you and the phone number of your sponsor and others in your program neighborhood. Get and memorize the phone numbers of the services that protect against drunk and drugged and use them. The men also need to do this simple task to keep from being victimized on way or the other.
Sorry you are feeling alone and afraid that is horrible. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
My alcoholic's drinking has kept me from having many friends. My siblings all live in different parts of the country, as do my kids and grand children, except for one son who, for the time being, lives nearby with his family. We are especially close to his 6 year old son who has spent a lot of time with us since he was born. Other than them, I have co-workers that I don't see outside of work, and a couple friends at church, one of whom I occasionally meet for lunch or a movie.
At 67, I could have retired already, but my spouse still works, and I don't know what I would do with so much free time. As this was a second marriage for us both, we still have a mortgage, so if we divorce it will take everything I have to find another place to live. But his drinking is becoming worse and he when he comes in from work he has already had a beer or two, then drinks until he falls asleep. If he adds liquor to the mix, he become an obnoxious, mean spirited drunk. He has pushed me and blocked the door to keep me from leaving. I've actually left the house before to avoid him, driving 20 or more miles to sit in a Walmart parking lot for hours because there's nowhere else to go. I've been afraid he might actually hurt me, so I try to keep the peace. He is remorseful the next day and has all kinds of plans to change, but insists he can do it on his own.
The only thing keeping me here right now is my grandson. He loves my husband and if we divorced I think it would break his heart. I'm just so tired and feel there is no place to turn.
Lee if you haven't already...go to the white pages of your local telephone book for the hotline number for your local Al-Anon family Groups and call as soon as you can to connect with others and meetings which will help change this situation for you. There is help out there for you and for us that we have made use of to allow us a much better life than living with the daily insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction. Please call and then come back as tell us how it came out for you. If you don't do anything different you will continue to have the insanity you are going thru now. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
wp
Hi Lee,
It's really hard to live with someone whose drinking is progressing. The feelings of loneliness and powerlessness can be overwhelming. I guess this is why I like the statement that "Alanon is a program for life." Not only does it remind us to keep coming back, it also is a life affirming statement. The support of the fellowship can be so comforting - a kind word, a hug, a smile, a sense of relief that I am not in this alone. I learned long ago that as long as there are alcoholics in my life whether they are drinking or not, I will need this program and the people in it. My emotional, spiritual and physical well-being progresses when I work the program and continue my recovery journey by making meetings and connecting those in recovery a part of my life. It's good to see you with us again. As was already offered, we have online meetings here and this board can be valuable as well. My personal experience is that I need coming here and in person Alanon for my recovery.
I don't know you or how you feel but when I lived with someone actively drinking I felt frustrated, angry, tired and often hopeless. I kept it all a secret as much as I could from family and I held tight to the good impressions family at a distance had of my husband and distanced myself further to hold onto that and talk myself into believing it was my reality while his illness progressed. That was my sickness. A crisis brought me into the program. I learned that I had to take care of myself every day and that I couldn't be a visitor to Alanon just when things were going especially badly. I tried that and I couldn't maintain serenity for long. For me, my life depends on it - working the program in my life, in situations, with loved ones and including others in Alanon in my life so I can keep learning and recoverying and feel less isolated and lonely. I hope you'll keep sharing your recovery journey here and have discovered some meetings you especially like attending. We're never alone. Hp and the unconditional love of others in the program is there for us. I'm grateful. ((hugs))) TT
Hoping today is brighter for you - keep coming back!
That said, in my experience, when an alcoholic and their drinking and their behavior "controls" another's life, prevents friendships, prevents relationships, causes isolation, and more of the like...that is very detrimental and very damaging. For me, it destined me to a life of misery. It prevented me from maintaining relationships, friendships, and prevented me from getting the support and help I NEEDED. It prevented me from living! It prevented me from getting better.
In addition, in my experience, when "the tail wags the dog" so to speak -- not only did it prevent me from getting better, but it made me worse. When I clutched onto "the only thing" that kept me from leaving, it was worse for me. I was forced into accepting unacceptable behavior. I was forced into what I referred to as a prison, of misery and of sickness. I was forced into it -- because of the "the only thing" that kept me from leaving. Part of it was denial for me. Another part, in looking at the hard-core truth...was that I was afraid to leave. I didn't want to leave. And I didn't get better.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. When the fear and pain of staying is greater than the fear and pain of leaving...then one leaves. Until then...nothing changes if nothing changes. It is sad that you have to drive far away and sit in a parking lot, simply to escape. What kind of life is that.
Hang in there. Keep doing what YOU need to do for YOU. Talk to your son. There is a solution for you. You just need to find it. All the best.
((((Lee)))).violence is just one of the natural insanities of alcoholism and drug addiction. When alcohol takes over the brain and it's thinking processes the expected results contain violence along with others. We go from sanity to UN-sanity and the consequences include injury and/or death. Alcoholism is a fatal disease and not only for the drinker. Get out of the way is a sane mindset and take your Higher Power with you and the phone number of your sponsor and others in your program neighborhood. Get and memorize the phone numbers of the services that protect against drunk and drugged and use them. The men also need to do this simple task to keep from being victimized on way or the other.
Sorry you are feeling alone and afraid that is horrible. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))