The idea has come to me that I may want to do a 4th step specifically around a relationship with one of my adult children. I have gone through the steps several times, but recently realized this one area and relationship I may want to do an even deeper dive with. I have heard one way to do this is to take your resentment or discomfort with someone and write about it using these questions as a prompt:
Where in this situation/relationship have I been self centered, dishonest, self seeking and afraid?
Does anyone have any other tools to follow on this idea? Would appreciate some other thoughts...
Thanks,
LUV
PS The Back story: The long & short of it is--this adult child of mine when newly sober a few yrs ago left a journal open to a certain page out all night long and right where I (possibly others too) would see it. There was a very sensitive line in there that popped out on me just before I scolded myself for reading it and closed it without reading too much. Later I said, "U know you left your journal out where everyone could see it so I closed it up and put it.....for you"
The line I saw was about some abuse suffered by an older sibling many years previous/anger at the sibling. I felt terrible that had happened. That I didn't know or suspect. I still do and it may explain some things about this kid's temperment and early struggles. I feel guilty for not addressing it after reading it. Truth be told, I JUST wanted to "unsee" it. Denial/avoidance came right back as a coping skill.
At the time I was just starting full time school, just having dodged a bullet with this kid's chaotic and scary bottom and living with this emotional brand new sobriety, I was just holding on and didn't seem to have the strength to "go there" or at least ask if there was anything they wanted to talk about. I told myself it was between the two siblings at this point and that the step work underway would eventually help with that. I told myself that I wasn't directly told anything, so I didn't have a responsibility to respond to anything. This would be a very sensitive thing for anyone to disclose and I can see why they might attempt it this way--so indirectly, but I don't "know for a fact" that I was intended to see it--I am assuming.
So Thankful,grateful blessed...Now this kid is married, happy, started a beautiful family, appears to be doing awesome in sobriety for over 5 years now, helping other young A's. I would hesitate to bring it up again in order to assuage my guilt about it (except when making amends could injure another and all that...) But the amends thought is me kind of getting way ahead of myself--I just want to explore early steps with it right now ---if anyone has any thoughts/experience to share around this it would be VERY welcome.
Thanks,
LUV
a4l said
Nov 3, 2018
Luv, I don't have any ESH as such, except that I think it is pretty special you are willing to look at it using recovery processes and tools. That's pretty cool. Maybe your sponsor could guide you if you have one?
All the best.
Iamhere said
Nov 3, 2018
Luv - I have done the steps regarding other things beyond our primary purpose. When folks suggest a mini 4th step, it's a good idea. For me, and I am not unique - I'm just wired a bit differently - I have to really start at Step 1 instead. I have replaced the word alcohol with a variety of people, relationships, events, etc. over all the years and started there....it just makes more sense to me if I truly intend to dive in, deal with 'it' and heal from it.
Both of my boys have shared they were abused sexually in family therapy during treatment center stays. They spoke about it after deciding they wanted to do so. We were not allowed to speak and it took all that I had in me to keep my mouth shut. And, yes - my first reaction was denial that it even happened as they both could be very melodramatic about so many events in life. At the end of the session, we were also asked to never bring it up instead allowing them to do so if desired.
I have not talked with either about it, as requested. I have worked it through with my sponsor and have found my peace. While it may or may not have lead them down the path of addiction and poor choices, like so many other things, it's in the past and I am powerless over them, the events, the abuser(s), etc. In one scenario, it was a family member but my son chose not to disclose the who. I do believe that if it's meant for them to share more with me, they will when they are ready...
So - I struggle with doing a step 4 on something without reminding myself about powerlessness, manageability, higher power, etc. first. It just puts me in the right frame of mind to be diligent. Take what you like and leave the rest - sending tons of positive thoughts your way!
JerryF said
Nov 3, 2018
Aloha Luv and the most latest effective inventory was a 10th step...I take tenths as an ongoing method to keeping up with myself day to day...the promptly admitted it portion at the end of the step keeps me fair, honest and just. My Higher Power has used the 10 to jar my memory about past offenses I hid and needed to review and then promptly own. I am grateful for making things right again. Probably will be urged to do another soon because of this post. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
luv123 said
Nov 4, 2018
Thank you A4, Jerry & Iamhere for sharing these helpful insights. I so appreciate you taking the time to think about it and respond with such comforting ala-wisdom. It is definitely something I want to explore more with my sponsor before any possible "action" if that would even be called for. I am slowly on my way there with this awareness. There is something extra anonymous and safe about the message board format with such a sensitive/vulnerable topic for me, although I know so many ppl in alcoholic systems have dealt with this as a common disease-related thread. Your thoughts will help me in my process of becoming willing to discuss face to face. Praying about things is always so helpful, too.
Many blessings to all of you,
Luv123
bud said
Nov 4, 2018
I agree with the other's to dive deep with your sponsor or a person who can sponsor you through sorting out this step. I look to see if my side of the street is clean. If there is something I need to make amends, then I do so if it doesn't hurt someone. If I'm not sure about the hurt, then I wait, pray, make sure I understand my motivations before taking any action. I am learning that there are many times, I need to bite my tongue to hold myself from saying something. Sending prayers!
SerenityRUS said
Nov 8, 2018
I am also of the mindset of going to your sponsor. If you have someone else a pastor or a therapist who would be of value to do a mini step 4 I would so encourage you to go that path as an alternative to sponsor.
My sponsor shared this with me about the past. I'm not here to debate the validity of faith, this is her story.
My sponsor had things she had never shared with anyone and I stress anyone and she was clear she probably never would. She did decide before ironically she found out she was gravely ill to discuss them with her priest (she is catholic, very devote so her base for her higher power is God). That being said as she word vomited all over him with her confession .. he gently took her hand and said to her .. do you not think that God has already forgiven you for what you are carrying around? That statement was so profound to me .. here she had in her terms "wasted" all of this time carrying around shame/guilt over things she could not change. Yet living a life of caring, kindness, selflessness all of the biblical principles that shaped her awareness yet .. still feeling the compulsion to beat herself up about situations that happened so long ago. She believed in a God that died for her sins, she believed in God as her higher power who is bigger than a bread box and yet she limited herself in regards to self forgiveness and hiding what the God of her understanding had already seen.
The point of my story here is that the best I can do is change my behavior .. what I didn't know .. what I couldn't deal with at the time .. what I didn't want to look at because it was one more thing on my plate .. if I am moving forward in my own best way then sometimes that is the best living amends I can give .. changed behavior. I have no doubt if you really knew what was going on .. you would have done something .. for whatever reason .. you didn't or couldn't see it at the time. Self forgiveness is a huge blessing and I feel is a huge part of step 4. There is no perfect. Should the conversation come up with your child .. then I feel that those are the times to say I am so sorry that these things happened and I didn't see. It wasn't your fault. I am sorry I failed you when you needed me most. I think those are also words that not only could be said to your daughter .. however to you as well.
Big hugs .. the parenting stuff is hard stuff .. finding the new norms and redefining relationships. Talk to a sponsor .. talk to someone you trust I am not able to do step 4s on my own.
The idea has come to me that I may want to do a 4th step specifically around a relationship with one of my adult children. I have gone through the steps several times, but recently realized this one area and relationship I may want to do an even deeper dive with. I have heard one way to do this is to take your resentment or discomfort with someone and write about it using these questions as a prompt:
Where in this situation/relationship have I been self centered, dishonest, self seeking and afraid?
Does anyone have any other tools to follow on this idea? Would appreciate some other thoughts...
Thanks,
LUV
PS The Back story: The long & short of it is--this adult child of mine when newly sober a few yrs ago left a journal open to a certain page out all night long and right where I (possibly others too) would see it. There was a very sensitive line in there that popped out on me just before I scolded myself for reading it and closed it without reading too much. Later I said, "U know you left your journal out where everyone could see it so I closed it up and put it.....for you"
The line I saw was about some abuse suffered by an older sibling many years previous/anger at the sibling. I felt terrible that had happened. That I didn't know or suspect. I still do and it may explain some things about this kid's temperment and early struggles. I feel guilty for not addressing it after reading it. Truth be told, I JUST wanted to "unsee" it. Denial/avoidance came right back as a coping skill.
At the time I was just starting full time school, just having dodged a bullet with this kid's chaotic and scary bottom and living with this emotional brand new sobriety, I was just holding on and didn't seem to have the strength to "go there" or at least ask if there was anything they wanted to talk about. I told myself it was between the two siblings at this point and that the step work underway would eventually help with that. I told myself that I wasn't directly told anything, so I didn't have a responsibility to respond to anything. This would be a very sensitive thing for anyone to disclose and I can see why they might attempt it this way--so indirectly, but I don't "know for a fact" that I was intended to see it--I am assuming.
So Thankful,grateful blessed...Now this kid is married, happy, started a beautiful family, appears to be doing awesome in sobriety for over 5 years now, helping other young A's. I would hesitate to bring it up again in order to assuage my guilt about it (except when making amends could injure another and all that...) But the amends thought is me kind of getting way ahead of myself--I just want to explore early steps with it right now ---if anyone has any thoughts/experience to share around this it would be VERY welcome.
Thanks,
LUV
All the best.
Both of my boys have shared they were abused sexually in family therapy during treatment center stays. They spoke about it after deciding they wanted to do so. We were not allowed to speak and it took all that I had in me to keep my mouth shut. And, yes - my first reaction was denial that it even happened as they both could be very melodramatic about so many events in life. At the end of the session, we were also asked to never bring it up instead allowing them to do so if desired.
I have not talked with either about it, as requested. I have worked it through with my sponsor and have found my peace. While it may or may not have lead them down the path of addiction and poor choices, like so many other things, it's in the past and I am powerless over them, the events, the abuser(s), etc. In one scenario, it was a family member but my son chose not to disclose the who. I do believe that if it's meant for them to share more with me, they will when they are ready...
So - I struggle with doing a step 4 on something without reminding myself about powerlessness, manageability, higher power, etc. first. It just puts me in the right frame of mind to be diligent. Take what you like and leave the rest - sending tons of positive thoughts your way!
Aloha Luv and the most latest effective inventory was a 10th step...I take tenths as an ongoing method to keeping up with myself day to day...the promptly admitted it portion at the end of the step keeps me fair, honest and just. My Higher Power has used the 10 to jar my memory about past offenses I hid and needed to review and then promptly own. I am grateful for making things right again. Probably will be urged to do another soon because of this post. Mahalo ((((hugs))))
Thank you A4, Jerry & Iamhere for sharing these helpful insights. I so appreciate you taking the time to think about it and respond with such comforting ala-wisdom. It is definitely something I want to explore more with my sponsor before any possible "action" if that would even be called for. I am slowly on my way there with this awareness. There is something extra anonymous and safe about the message board format with such a sensitive/vulnerable topic for me, although I know so many ppl in alcoholic systems have dealt with this as a common disease-related thread. Your thoughts will help me in my process of becoming willing to discuss face to face. Praying about things is always so helpful, too.
Many blessings to all of you,
Luv123
My sponsor shared this with me about the past. I'm not here to debate the validity of faith, this is her story.
My sponsor had things she had never shared with anyone and I stress anyone and she was clear she probably never would. She did decide before ironically she found out she was gravely ill to discuss them with her priest (she is catholic, very devote so her base for her higher power is God). That being said as she word vomited all over him with her confession .. he gently took her hand and said to her .. do you not think that God has already forgiven you for what you are carrying around? That statement was so profound to me .. here she had in her terms "wasted" all of this time carrying around shame/guilt over things she could not change. Yet living a life of caring, kindness, selflessness all of the biblical principles that shaped her awareness yet .. still feeling the compulsion to beat herself up about situations that happened so long ago. She believed in a God that died for her sins, she believed in God as her higher power who is bigger than a bread box and yet she limited herself in regards to self forgiveness and hiding what the God of her understanding had already seen.
The point of my story here is that the best I can do is change my behavior .. what I didn't know .. what I couldn't deal with at the time .. what I didn't want to look at because it was one more thing on my plate .. if I am moving forward in my own best way then sometimes that is the best living amends I can give .. changed behavior. I have no doubt if you really knew what was going on .. you would have done something .. for whatever reason .. you didn't or couldn't see it at the time. Self forgiveness is a huge blessing and I feel is a huge part of step 4. There is no perfect. Should the conversation come up with your child .. then I feel that those are the times to say I am so sorry that these things happened and I didn't see. It wasn't your fault. I am sorry I failed you when you needed me most. I think those are also words that not only could be said to your daughter .. however to you as well.
Big hugs .. the parenting stuff is hard stuff .. finding the new norms and redefining relationships. Talk to a sponsor .. talk to someone you trust I am not able to do step 4s on my own.
S :)