Last night and this morning, I had the opportunity to practice enforcing my boundaries and being the one to allow natural consequences play out. AW came home drunk last night, driving my car. I've been unsure of how to practice loving detachment that is not enabling, and enforcing my boundaries without being angry, and HP has given me the opportunity to practice many times this year. I feel like I'm getting better at it. This morning, my car keys are with me, and getting them back was not dramatic. I didn't take the bait. I've finally accepted that AW is in the throws of relapse and engaging in self-destructive behavior, and that I cannot do anything about it. I'm not going to tolerate it in my home, though.
AW has been using my car to get to and from work as hers is on its literal last legs. I was trying to help buy her some time to collect a down payment or figure something out, but no more. That is now her problem, and she will have to figure it out without me. Too bad that she just filled the gas tank up in my car and her car doesn't have gas. She should have made different choices about going into a bar yesterday. (Not that I said that. That's my inner monologue when she's whining about gas.)
2 other non-negotiables: if she is staying in my house, she has to go to AA - no more excuses. And, she has to go to counseling as a forever thing, not a one-time thing. (Whoops, I feel my control issues slipping out a bit here... ) She could decide not to do these things, but then she can live somewhere else.
I'm finally ready to admit to myself that she hasn't been having an occasional slip after three years of sobriety and then doubling down into her recovery. She has been relapsing since February, and she hasn't made more than 45 days of sobriety since then. She is not being honest with herself, me, or anyone else about her struggles, and she is NOT engaging in recovery work of any kind. DENIAL I'm not helping her by allowing the behavior to continue, so I need to instead enforce my boundaries and let the natural consequences of her actions play out - even if the natural consequences involve me enforcing my boundaries.
hotrod said
Oct 30, 2018
((Skorpi)) your boundaries sound strong and I appreciate your honesty. Prayers for you and your partner MY HP always reinfored lessons tha t I needed to learn . So be present in the events of the day and remember to take care of yourself.
Lyne said
Oct 30, 2018
Thanks for your share Skorpi. I'm also in a challenging moment in time with my A since Sat. Night. What I thought was a wonderful sleep over with our granddaughter, all my A could see was negative about their parents, no hope in program to help her, and as always, her alcoholic blaming of others. Although she is in the beginning of program with a sponsor, I do get sick and tired of understanding, being supportive, and living in an environment with no continuity. My situation was like yours with the drinking and driving. I too said I could not live like this anymore, and gave her a message that we needed change one way or the other. That started her joining one of the programs, but her heart and head is not in it. It's a year and a half later. She is sober but a dry drunk. Her sponsor and steps may be able to help her, but it's all up to her. Sometimes I have to ask myself if all this turmoil is worth it. This morning I am relying on the Serenity Prayer and the slogan Live and Let Live, to help me keep some sanity . Lyne
el-cee said
Oct 30, 2018
Its sad, for us, that often the desire and will to get recovery for themselves comes from losing just about everything.
Getting sick enough of being sick can be a rock bottom of such proportions that we cant comprehend it. Homelessness, losing jobs, family. Like the very things we value are stripped from them then we judge this as really bad, while those in the know in AA often believe its at this point there is a chance for the alcoholic and see this fearful rock bottom as a good thing.
Its different perspectives, if we made a list of 'bad things' from our perspective we might see that these things can be needed for sobriety for some. Very hard situation to accept and then act on. We, the alanon care givers need to strip away all these judgements of whats good or bad for someone elses life. To me this is what Alanon is telling us, little by little to fully Let Go and Let God and trust that the consequences are neither good nor bad but necessary.
Jozie said
Oct 30, 2018
(((Skorpi)))
Nice Boundary work, And Honesty...
I too sometimes can feel like I'm "Controlling" or Trying too, but I have also Learned that when I don't put Boundaries in Order, I Find myself heading right back down that Spiral of No Control at all over My Life or Anything else, if I don't Protect myself from their "ism".
I think you are Doing Great, and it takes Courage to Stick to our Guns and Plant our Feet in Our Boundaries, but your Doing it :) Glad your Here... Keep Coming back ;)
Friends In Recovery
Jozie
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 30, 2018
((((Skorpi))))
I am praying for you and your wife. But I applaud you in getting out from under your denial... and standing firm with your boundaries... they are healthy boundaries.
Last year I had the same epiphany... MY denial was actually enabling my AH to stay in his disease! I never wanted that for him... or for me and Kid. I had to enforce some boundaries. So I tried... but he wouldn't leave. So in the end, Kid and I had to leave our home. Hardest thing I have ever done TBH.
He lost everything, yet he continued to drink. In working AL-Anon, I peeled my onion...and came to a realization that I did not and could not live with the uncertainty of relapse, so I decided to file for divorce. Keeping my boundaries was key.
Your strength has always inspired me, Skorpi!
Iamhere said
Oct 30, 2018
(((skorpi))) - I do applaud your program work and the boundaries you've pulled from the tool box. I agree that when we are ready/in need, HP gives us an opportunity (or many) to practice our recovery. We had an eventful night which affected my golf game today, which for me is part of my self-care. I am also in the mode of some major detaching and some affirmation of boundaries as I am just too darn old to battle the disease or get close to the insanity - fear getting sucked back in!!
So, keep doing you and keep leaning into your program and your recovery. I too encourage you to take good care of yourself - you got this!!
Temple said
Oct 30, 2018
Bless your heart!
You seem to me to have great clarity.
She will have a better chance at finding motivation to change when she has to face consequences, I think.
And I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, either way. But--when one has made a decision and is prepared to follow through, there must be some sense of relief.
Prayers for you both
Temple
a4l said
Oct 31, 2018
(((Skorpi))). It isn't easy. Cunning, baffling and powerful is the family disease and sometimes it just outright sucks. I hope the universe sends you something nice with the new day; a bit of pep if you will on the journey. Take good care.
Skorpi said
Oct 31, 2018
Thank you everyone for your words of support and ESH.
This disease is cunning and baffling and seems to pop up in the most unexpected places.
I'm so thankful to the program and all of you! All seems quiet today. AW put the AA meetings on the family calendar, something that hadn't happened before. I know better than to get my hopes up and develop expectations, for now, i will just observe what she decides to do.
Last night and this morning, I had the opportunity to practice enforcing my boundaries and being the one to allow natural consequences play out. AW came home drunk last night, driving my car. I've been unsure of how to practice loving detachment that is not enabling, and enforcing my boundaries without being angry, and HP has given me the opportunity to practice many times this year. I feel like I'm getting better at it. This morning, my car keys are with me, and getting them back was not dramatic. I didn't take the bait. I've finally accepted that AW is in the throws of relapse and engaging in self-destructive behavior, and that I cannot do anything about it. I'm not going to tolerate it in my home, though.
AW has been using my car to get to and from work as hers is on its literal last legs. I was trying to help buy her some time to collect a down payment or figure something out, but no more. That is now her problem, and she will have to figure it out without me. Too bad that she just filled the gas tank up in my car and her car doesn't have gas. She should have made different choices about going into a bar yesterday. (Not that I said that. That's my inner monologue when she's whining about gas.)
2 other non-negotiables: if she is staying in my house, she has to go to AA - no more excuses. And, she has to go to counseling as a forever thing, not a one-time thing. (Whoops, I feel my control issues slipping out a bit here... ) She could decide not to do these things, but then she can live somewhere else.
I'm finally ready to admit to myself that she hasn't been having an occasional slip after three years of sobriety and then doubling down into her recovery. She has been relapsing since February, and she hasn't made more than 45 days of sobriety since then. She is not being honest with herself, me, or anyone else about her struggles, and she is NOT engaging in recovery work of any kind. DENIAL I'm not helping her by allowing the behavior to continue, so I need to instead enforce my boundaries and let the natural consequences of her actions play out - even if the natural consequences involve me enforcing my boundaries.
((Skorpi)) your boundaries sound strong and I appreciate your honesty. Prayers for you and your partner MY HP always reinfored lessons tha t I needed to learn . So be present in the events of the day and remember to take care of yourself.
Getting sick enough of being sick can be a rock bottom of such proportions that we cant comprehend it. Homelessness, losing jobs, family. Like the very things we value are stripped from them then we judge this as really bad, while those in the know in AA often believe its at this point there is a chance for the alcoholic and see this fearful rock bottom as a good thing.
Its different perspectives, if we made a list of 'bad things' from our perspective we might see that these things can be needed for sobriety for some. Very hard situation to accept and then act on. We, the alanon care givers need to strip away all these judgements of whats good or bad for someone elses life. To me this is what Alanon is telling us, little by little to fully Let Go and Let God and trust that the consequences are neither good nor bad but necessary.
Nice Boundary work, And Honesty...
I too sometimes can feel like I'm "Controlling" or Trying too, but I have also Learned that when I don't put Boundaries in Order, I Find myself heading right back down that Spiral of No Control at all over My Life or Anything else, if I don't Protect myself from their "ism".
I think you are Doing Great, and it takes Courage to Stick to our Guns and Plant our Feet in Our Boundaries, but your Doing it :) Glad your Here... Keep Coming back ;)
Friends In Recovery
Jozie
I am praying for you and your wife. But I applaud you in getting out from under your denial... and standing firm with your boundaries... they are healthy boundaries.
Last year I had the same epiphany... MY denial was actually enabling my AH to stay in his disease! I never wanted that for him... or for me and Kid. I had to enforce some boundaries. So I tried... but he wouldn't leave. So in the end, Kid and I had to leave our home. Hardest thing I have ever done TBH.
He lost everything, yet he continued to drink. In working AL-Anon, I peeled my onion...and came to a realization that I did not and could not live with the uncertainty of relapse, so I decided to file for divorce. Keeping my boundaries was key.
Your strength has always inspired me, Skorpi!
So, keep doing you and keep leaning into your program and your recovery. I too encourage you to take good care of yourself - you got this!!
You seem to me to have great clarity.
She will have a better chance at finding motivation to change when she has to face consequences, I think.
And I can only imagine how hard it must be for you, either way. But--when one has made a decision and is prepared to follow through, there must be some sense of relief.
Prayers for you both
Temple