This part is sad .. one of my very best friends who I have known online and talked about on the boards before has been living in active addiction. The difference is I saw this coming this time around, you could tell via the facebook posts and the texts I was receiving. She almost died 2 years ago from liver failure and I know she relapsed about a year ago and I don't think has been able to find sobriety at this point. I could see the build and I can detach .. I don't want to be a part of it especially the unhealthy part.
The conclusion I have come to is I am still enabling by allowing her to spin her yarn to me and validate her current behavior. I spoke to her bff there in town and we didn't have a lengthy conversation however a conversation none the less. Normally I would consider stuff like this none of my business .. I needed some validation that I was seeing what I was seeing in written word and verbally as well. I'm still not always confident because so often I jump to that's not true and this is what's going on. The sad conclusion is I need to end our relationship while the drinking is still active.
I actually have friends who go back out and are in AA, ... the difference is they own it .. they say you know .. I stopped going to meetings and I started drinking again .. they go back to the meetings .. I can live with that because at least there is some kind of awareness. I can't live in the reality of the story I was told and it being made to sound like a 2 week stay at a spa then the continued denial of what's going on.
For me I did well .. I was not cruel or mean which is a far easier way to end a friendship .. I truly care for this gal .. she's an amazing person .. this is not the woman I met 17 years ago and THAT makes me sooo sad. I did as gently as I could let her know I could not continue the friendship as it was playing out .. I would continue to pray for her and her family. I would gladly open communication again when she was able to be rigorously honest about what was going on and I already knew parts of what she was telling me were not true.
I felt so sad for her. She did respond which surprised me however still not honest about what had played out there was a whole lot more and texting is not always an easy way to convey stories however it is what it is. Since I have no idea on any level when she is or isn't honest I don't believe her and that's what it comes down to .. I don't know how to have a relationship with someone who is incapable of being honest. To me that's a deal breaker in any relationship, for me honest is trust and I trust an alcoholic/addict to be who they say they are .. I have not figured out how to interact on that level. I would always be either wondering or assuming that there was no honesty happening. I would feel badly because of that.
I am going to reiterate what I shared again, it's not about being right it's about the picking and choosing what to discuss. She's not being honest about the phone call she made and probably in all reality is unaware she even called me even though I directly continue to ask about the phone call. I have see her do this with other subjects as well. So I know she's still in the throws of active behavior regardless of what's going on now.
Anyway, I have relief and I feel heartsick about it .. it is a decision I have struggled with since last summer.
Hugs S :)
a4l said
Oct 23, 2018
This calls to mind the old saying, there but for the grace of go I. Its all you can do, is to let go. Sad thing is, none of the grossness gets remembered for the drinking one, at least in my experience, short stints of emotive regret, apologies meant at the time and still a refusal to really accept the drinks gotta go. You're a good friend, you have to take care of you. Life's not easy. Take care (((serenity)))
SerenityRUS said
Oct 23, 2018
The awkward thing for me is this is harder for me than the issue of dealing with my XAH. I had this happen before with another friend who was in program and started drinking or had never actually stopped .. doesn't matter I can't do the dishonesty .. it was the loosing the girlfriend than the husband that was harder for me. I guess I had a deeper relationship with them emotionally than I did my X because we got close in our own way I am far more vulnerable emotionally with my girlfriends than my X and even my BF .. I think that's a huge trust issue for me. Something I need to work on in my current relationship.
This one was super hard .. I knew her longer than I had actually been married to my X. I just dislike this disease on so many levels. It takes and takes.
S
hotrod said
Oct 23, 2018
(((Serenity)) I agree completely
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 23, 2018
((((((Serenity)))))
Yes. It does take and take... no holds barred as they say. It sucks tremendously is an understatement.
I am sorry that you feel such a deep level of loss for this friendship. But in your post, I do see some things that are on the brighter (?) side... namely, you were not blindsided... you saw this coming and you were able to face it head-on and say "No more." And you did it in a way that was respectful to her, while at the same time, respectful of your boundary regarding this. As I know you know, there will be a time of grieving. Take it easy on yourself.
You touched on an interesting insight to yourself I think, regarding vulneralbility.
Wishing you peace tonight.
PNP
serenity47 said
Oct 24, 2018
Friendships really are complete blessings. I love that you are keeping the door slightly ajar for further communication when and if she can own her truth. For now you are owning your truth, not accepting dishonesty and acting in your own best interests. Sometimes being a true support or friend is being the one whom will not turn a blind eye to what is happening. Not changing it, nor controlling it but simply establishing your boundary in a respectful way. We should all be so fortunate to have friends whom are willing to tell us the truth.
norasq said
Oct 24, 2018
I definitely understand how letting go of the friendship can be more painful than letting go of a husband. I so applaud your clarity in seeing that the dishonesty isnt tolerable in your life any longer. That sounds like clear thinking and strong boundaries. But I hear your pain, too. Im sorry.
So weird turn of events part 2 kind of .. lol.
This part is sad .. one of my very best friends who I have known online and talked about on the boards before has been living in active addiction. The difference is I saw this coming this time around, you could tell via the facebook posts and the texts I was receiving. She almost died 2 years ago from liver failure and I know she relapsed about a year ago and I don't think has been able to find sobriety at this point. I could see the build and I can detach .. I don't want to be a part of it especially the unhealthy part.
The conclusion I have come to is I am still enabling by allowing her to spin her yarn to me and validate her current behavior. I spoke to her bff there in town and we didn't have a lengthy conversation however a conversation none the less. Normally I would consider stuff like this none of my business .. I needed some validation that I was seeing what I was seeing in written word and verbally as well. I'm still not always confident because so often I jump to that's not true and this is what's going on. The sad conclusion is I need to end our relationship while the drinking is still active.
I actually have friends who go back out and are in AA, ... the difference is they own it .. they say you know .. I stopped going to meetings and I started drinking again .. they go back to the meetings .. I can live with that because at least there is some kind of awareness. I can't live in the reality of the story I was told and it being made to sound like a 2 week stay at a spa then the continued denial of what's going on.
For me I did well .. I was not cruel or mean which is a far easier way to end a friendship .. I truly care for this gal .. she's an amazing person .. this is not the woman I met 17 years ago and THAT makes me sooo sad. I did as gently as I could let her know I could not continue the friendship as it was playing out .. I would continue to pray for her and her family. I would gladly open communication again when she was able to be rigorously honest about what was going on and I already knew parts of what she was telling me were not true.
I felt so sad for her. She did respond which surprised me however still not honest about what had played out there was a whole lot more and texting is not always an easy way to convey stories however it is what it is. Since I have no idea on any level when she is or isn't honest I don't believe her and that's what it comes down to .. I don't know how to have a relationship with someone who is incapable of being honest. To me that's a deal breaker in any relationship, for me honest is trust and I trust an alcoholic/addict to be who they say they are .. I have not figured out how to interact on that level. I would always be either wondering or assuming that there was no honesty happening. I would feel badly because of that.
I am going to reiterate what I shared again, it's not about being right it's about the picking and choosing what to discuss. She's not being honest about the phone call she made and probably in all reality is unaware she even called me even though I directly continue to ask about the phone call. I have see her do this with other subjects as well. So I know she's still in the throws of active behavior regardless of what's going on now.
Anyway, I have relief and I feel heartsick about it .. it is a decision I have struggled with since last summer.
Hugs S :)
This one was super hard .. I knew her longer than I had actually been married to my X. I just dislike this disease on so many levels. It takes and takes.
S
Yes. It does take and take... no holds barred as they say. It sucks tremendously is an understatement.
I am sorry that you feel such a deep level of loss for this friendship. But in your post, I do see some things that are on the brighter (?) side... namely, you were not blindsided... you saw this coming and you were able to face it head-on and say "No more." And you did it in a way that was respectful to her, while at the same time, respectful of your boundary regarding this. As I know you know, there will be a time of grieving. Take it easy on yourself.
You touched on an interesting insight to yourself I think, regarding vulneralbility.
Wishing you peace tonight.
PNP