Just for today, I am really hating this disease.  Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my recovery and my place in life.  This program and the sister program gave me back myself, my sanity, my joy and a real purpose.  Yet, while my faith is strong, and my program is forefront in my mind, I am again reminded of the power of this disease.

My youngest was taken to medical detox last night.  I've made mention of him being active again in the disease.  I can freely admit that this is the fastest he's spiraled out of control.  Where he is was his choice.  He's been calling each day this week and I knew he wasn't in a good place.  I did the best I could to detach and allow him the power to decide his next steps.  Yet, this is my baby, so it's very, very hard.  

I am one who's believed and voiced that while there is breathe, there is hope.  Yet, I can say that something feels different this time.  I am usually more calm when they end up in lock up (jail, detox, treatment) and sleep way better too.  Not so, this time.  I can't say I am projecting gloom and doom - something just feels different.

He already called this morning and he's a mess.  He is just starting the physical detox and it's going to get much worse.  My heart hurts for him, and I have great empathy as I know this is a disease and not a choice.  Each other time, he's said the right things, committed to the pain and then to recovery and each time, he makes it a bit further.  He was sober a little of a year.  This was the longest he made it.  Yet, the gifts of the program weren't enough to keep him on the recovery path; he feel off.

So, I am a bit mad at the disease, very sad for my child and a bit lost.  As a parent, it's hard to not look back and wonder what I could have, should have, might have been/done different.  There is a part of me, who birthed this child, who will always take some level of responsibility for his mistakes and will always hurt when he hurts.  He's hurting and so am I.  I would give anything for him to be happy, healthy, whole and free.

Yet, even though it's my child, I am still powerless.  He is unemployed, and has no insurance, and we're in a part of the country where state funded treatment is not an option.  He's not said he has an interest in that, and we're just on today and so far, he's uncertain he wants to stay where he is and doesn't think he can give up his habit.  

I did what I am supposed to do - I got up, did my daily run, read my readings, walked with God and my dog praying the whole way.  Yet, I am very distracted and it was hard to pray and have faith.  My faith is shaken, hopefully, just for today.  I am asking my MIP family to pray for my son and for all who are in recovery, in need of recovery or supporting a loved one with this disease.  Maybe a group prayer will be of help.

I know for today this disease is stronger than me.  I know for today, it's OK to feel fear and be sad.  I know for today that sharing with others gives me some release.  I know my meeting lifted me and the day is still young.  I know in my mind if I take care of me, God will take care of him.  Yet - again, just for today, I feel that disconnect between my head and my heart.  Thanks for letting me share.

 Iam... I get really angry with the disease sometimes- and i call it what it is- rage.

 I stop being angry with the world- and with the person- and focus on the addiction itself. Grrr...!  ...  ...

I know how awful this is---I have been through this many times and it can be so so hard. There were many times it just looked without hope. You seem to be doing all you can to detach and take care of you and just letting yourself FEEL and express is so good. Today my 28 yr old son has nearly 6 yrs in program and his terrible struggles now have helped so many countless others. SO HARD to watch though...and what got me through was one day at a time & let go let God. Calling prayer lines helped. I used to write his name on paper and put it in my God Can several times per day releasing him to God's "CARE" each time I would obsess again, in order to get on with my day and function some. Maybe it was worth watching it--I am sorry it seems to have had to be that way for some good to finally come for him and others---but maybe it really was all worth it although tough from the day to day back then as a mom. I will pray big prayers for your beloved son!

Luv123

Aloha Kakahiaka (good morning) Sister and how marvelous that the need of one of us can bring all of us together to the face of HP with our "please" help us. 

I had all of us with me this weekend at our Assembly with 75 members or more from the other islands gathering to take care of Al-Anon business including of course our gathering as family.  To practice the culture of our recovery and include the culture of Hawaii is spiritually inspiring and instilling for me.  This is where I met the disease and lived with and in it watching and participating with my family in it.  How merciful to learn it was a disease and not a sinful personal condition of choice.

The fellowship here did its marvelous work which kept leaving me with the doubt that the disease could ever win no matter how bad and sorrowful things could and would get.  I witnessed the miracles and thought of the many I have had since being invited and allowed to practice what came before me.  Can I and do  I still feel sadness and anger when my family including my great-grand children get touched by it? ...absolutely and then the suffering of other family members such as yourself and others here  remind me that I and my friends and family are not alone...HP is with us 24/7 and miracles happen often when the alcoholic/addict remain ill.

This weekend I was reminded of a spiritual vision I had in early program on the subject of turning the meaning of surrender to "abandon".  I saw the picture of abandoning my alcoholic/addict wife as an infant in a blanketed wicker basket on the steps of HP's residence and walking away without looking back and with confidence.  I abandoned "her to God as I understood God" not merely surrendered her.  Picture prayers for me keep it and me real....free at last.  In God's time she did what was needed to surrender herself and got clean and sober.  It is hard to imagine loving her then without needing her and we were both free at last.  Thank you God.

Sis you and your boy fill my mind and spirit and that is as much as I can do.  I lift you both up to my HP...Akua and bring my hand back down empty.  You know the prayer "Abandon you self to God as you understand God...."  Continue.   With love.  Brother.  (((((hugs))))) 

((Iamhere)))) Prayers for you and your son. It sounds like you are doing all anyone can to keep taking care of you while being supportive of him without losing yourself. Keep sharing. We're here for you. TT