He's been out drinking all day. The kids are asleep. HesH not back and to be honest I don't expect him to come home for a good while yet. I've got quite good at accepting his drinking most nights but this feels unsafe. I told him I still want to go ahead with the divorce yesterday. I know it's an old fear habit to be afraid of the drunk coming home but that along with how bad things are between us has made it feel worse for me tonight.
I don't think he will hurt the children. I fear that he might hurt me, even though he's never hit me before.
I really am trying to lean into the serenity prayer, but this unsafe feeling stops me from sleeping.
hotrod said
Oct 20, 2018
Hi A It is really terrible to experience such fear I found having a Plan B helped at times like this. Can you go to a friend or family's home with the children? Remember you can always call 911 if the situation explodes-- do give yourself permission to do so . Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
Bo said
Oct 20, 2018
When he comes home, if you fear for your safety, feel threatened, are threatened verbally, are verbally harassed, abused, whatever...don't lean into the Serenity Prayer or anything of the like...CALL THE POLICE!!! Have the number on your speed dial!!! CALL!!!
JerryF said
Oct 20, 2018
Aloha A...I am with Betty on this and also if he does call home...ask him that question, "If or when you come home, Will I be safe" and let him respond. When in doubt?
don't. ((((hugs))))
el-cee said
Oct 21, 2018
Accepting his drinking is not your fault or responsibility is the goal. You don't have to accept his drinking if you don't want to. Alanon is not about just accepting our sorry lot.
An active alcoholic is way too much for most of us and accepting this fact can set us free.
If you feel unsafe you could lock the door don't let him in and call the police for support. Just an option to help you feel safe for tonight. Empower yourself with a plan b and c may help. I do understand that fear can be paralyzing and I have felt this and did nothing and hoped for the best. Alanon is about helping us see and believe we always have choices. Keep safe.
Iamhere said
Oct 21, 2018
(((A Nother))) - I can so relate to the anxiety inducing moments when we don't know what's coming (home), especially with this disease. I love that you leaned into the Serenity Prayer - it's often where I start simply because it reminds me what's within my ability to take action and what's not. I found have a Plan B, C, etc. very effective in helping bring me back to the present moment.
There is no shame ever in self-care no matter what it is. Several have presented some options that may be your Plan B, C, etc. My hope is you got some decent rest and all is well. Sending you tons of positive energy and (((hugs)))...
Lyne said
Oct 21, 2018
{{{A Nother}}}. You shouldn't have to be afraid in your own home and fear your husband's behavior. For myself I can be patient and tolerate a lot, but there should be a limit to what is acceptable for yourself. And as IAH said above, self-care can be a priority, not a shaming experience. What would be a shame would be if you got physically assaulted. Too many people wait until some damage is done. Your women's intuition is warning you now. I hope you can work out a strategy to protect yourself. And even if your spouse wouldn't hurt the kids, it will hurt them if they see you with a broken nose or black eye, or worse. Lyne
A nother said
Oct 21, 2018
Thanks for the responses. I had my phone in my hand all night. As it happens, he passed out in the garden when he got home.
I got him in the house and went to bed. He slept on the kitchen floor, I think.
My HP was there last night, but im never going through that again. Next time, I'm taking the kids and staying at a hotel (without telling him). At least that way I get some sleep knowing I'm safe.
He's been rough all day so I had the children all day. I'm exhausted! Exhausted, angry with both of us, and relieved.
Freetime said
Oct 21, 2018
{{{{A-nother }}} I'm so glad you are safe for now and that you have a plan.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 22, 2018
I was worrying about you... glad you posted that you were safe, and you now have a good plan for the future!
Iamhere said
Oct 22, 2018
I also thank you for the update. Keep taking good care of you! It does work when we work it!
SerenityRUS said
Oct 22, 2018
Many prayers.
One thing I wanted to say is "love" doesn't physically hurt or abuse in anyway. I am glad to hear you found a way to create your own safety and always have a plan B if you are feeling that it's not safe for you.
On a lighter note kind of along the same lines .. my boyfriend and I were having a bit of a disagreement over the front door. I want a door I can lock when I come home or when I leave .. for me this is common sense .. we live in an apartment complex and no I am not going to bed where I can't lock the door that's ridiculous. Well that got fixed (after I had to have an unnecessary tantrum over getting it fixed) and now that it's gotten so bloody cold over the past week the door doesn't latch if you don't lock it. So I had a moment where my youngest and I were home and he didn't lock the door when he came in and scare the crap out of me the door flew open because of the wind. I had another time where I pulled the door shut and it didn't latch .. I wound up having to hold the door shut while I locked it. As I described these incidents to my boyfriend he proceeded to invalidate that reality to me. First off because it didn't happen to him .. it didn't happen is exactly how it was presented .. when someone says well the door never did that to me before .. umm .. ok .. the old pre-alanon very new into the program would have not said anything and been in fear over the dang door opening unexpectedly .. the silliness of that .. however the post alanon more sure of herself looked at him and made the statement I understand it hasn't happened to you .. however I am TELLING you this is what I have experienced over the past week .. please don't tell me it didn't happen because it did.
I can't begin to tell you what a strong yellow flag that is to me because I distain that attitude. It is gas lighting in a minimal way however it is gas lighting.
Be true to yourself .. if you feel unsafe then that's all it needs to be and I truly encourage what has been suggested have a plan B and do not be afraid to use it. It's ok to find a safe solution to your situation.
He's been out drinking all day. The kids are asleep. HesH not back and to be honest I don't expect him to come home for a good while yet. I've got quite good at accepting his drinking most nights but this feels unsafe. I told him I still want to go ahead with the divorce yesterday. I know it's an old fear habit to be afraid of the drunk coming home but that along with how bad things are between us has made it feel worse for me tonight.
I don't think he will hurt the children. I fear that he might hurt me, even though he's never hit me before.
I really am trying to lean into the serenity prayer, but this unsafe feeling stops me from sleeping.
Hi A It is really terrible to experience such fear I found having a Plan B helped at times like this. Can you go to a friend or family's home with the children? Remember you can always call 911 if the situation explodes-- do give yourself permission to do so .
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way
Aloha A...I am with Betty on this and also if he does call home...ask him that question, "If or when you come home, Will I be safe" and let him respond. When in doubt?
don't. ((((hugs))))
There is no shame ever in self-care no matter what it is. Several have presented some options that may be your Plan B, C, etc. My hope is you got some decent rest and all is well. Sending you tons of positive energy and (((hugs)))...
Thanks for the responses. I had my phone in my hand all night. As it happens, he passed out in the garden when he got home.
I got him in the house and went to bed. He slept on the kitchen floor, I think.
My HP was there last night, but im never going through that again. Next time, I'm taking the kids and staying at a hotel (without telling him). At least that way I get some sleep knowing I'm safe.
He's been rough all day so I had the children all day. I'm exhausted! Exhausted, angry with both of us, and relieved.
One thing I wanted to say is "love" doesn't physically hurt or abuse in anyway. I am glad to hear you found a way to create your own safety and always have a plan B if you are feeling that it's not safe for you.
On a lighter note kind of along the same lines .. my boyfriend and I were having a bit of a disagreement over the front door. I want a door I can lock when I come home or when I leave .. for me this is common sense .. we live in an apartment complex and no I am not going to bed where I can't lock the door that's ridiculous. Well that got fixed (after I had to have an unnecessary tantrum over getting it fixed) and now that it's gotten so bloody cold over the past week the door doesn't latch if you don't lock it. So I had a moment where my youngest and I were home and he didn't lock the door when he came in and scare the crap out of me the door flew open because of the wind. I had another time where I pulled the door shut and it didn't latch .. I wound up having to hold the door shut while I locked it. As I described these incidents to my boyfriend he proceeded to invalidate that reality to me. First off because it didn't happen to him .. it didn't happen is exactly how it was presented .. when someone says well the door never did that to me before .. umm .. ok .. the old pre-alanon very new into the program would have not said anything and been in fear over the dang door opening unexpectedly .. the silliness of that .. however the post alanon more sure of herself looked at him and made the statement I understand it hasn't happened to you .. however I am TELLING you this is what I have experienced over the past week .. please don't tell me it didn't happen because it did.
I can't begin to tell you what a strong yellow flag that is to me because I distain that attitude. It is gas lighting in a minimal way however it is gas lighting.
Be true to yourself .. if you feel unsafe then that's all it needs to be and I truly encourage what has been suggested have a plan B and do not be afraid to use it. It's ok to find a safe solution to your situation.
Big big hugs and I am glad you found your safety.
S :)