Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation is nothing .. nothing is something and sometimes just like I always hear more will be revealed.
I had a very interesting turn of events occur regarding my youngest. Over the summer there was an "incident" in terms of drinking until blackout with his best friend. Two things I did that I questioned why I did what I did in terms of handling it. I'm giving it over for me it was a "God thing" .. I have moments of being extraordinarily brilliant as a human being/parent and more moments I tend to feel that being either is way like being a busted up piece of paper in a rain storm .. lol. I feel like what I did with this situation was the best for all concerned.
At first my reaction was to talk to the parents .. and then I thought about something .. when it comes to things of this nature not every time .. this time I could afford to allow it to play out the way it needed to. Had my son been hospitalized (which almost did occur based upon how much fluid he lost and I had no idea if other substances were involved at that point) it would have been a mess. I am a mandated reporter and I'm sorry I'm not telling the hospital that my son got intoxicated at home when he didn't .. as it could be a lost job. It just would have been a mess. It wasn't and I felt that this family needed this between them not me inserting myself into it. Who wants a stranger stating by the way your kid has some issues you might want to address .. lol .. I don't think I would receive that well so who am I to bring that on someone else. Now that's not to say I didn't have my own boundaries I was clear with both boys .. no discussion .. they could speak to each other via text and on xbox however I wasn't open to visits, sleep overs and so on. I was super clear with my son that he was not seeing a mutual friend to get around the semantics of the situation. At this point I am grateful because I did not over react with the drinking incident the boy has been super respectful. He's been very clear .. dude you gotta talk to my mom .. she's not going to budge .. we screwed up and this is just how it is for right now. I was very clear that this boy needed to talk to his mom .. and own what went down and he needed to talk to me. I honestly figured .. there was no way I would hear from this kid again .. lol.
He was humble and totally owned it .. you know I don't need details .. he was specific when he spoke about the drinking and lying to me about it. I'm not minimizing or maximizing .. the one thing I kept coming back to is that the word shame and guilt he kept using and no one needs to live there. I thanked him for the apology and let him know I have missed him. He's more than welcome to come to our home any time he wants based upon the fact the supervision is limited at his home I don't think it's a good idea for D to go there. (that's a true story I think the older brothers are suppose to be more involved than they are when mom and dad aren't home and mom and dad are usually working crazy hours). I think the way I understand it is that he sat down and talked to his mom and immediately text me after. I have not heard from the mom .. and honestly don't expect to it's not how they work and that's ok. I am really glad I waited because I think it was a more powerful experience for him to realize a few things, I really meant what I said, and for him to talk to his mom. It was the way it needed to play out. I don't think I would have been as calm as I needed to be if I had addressed it sooner and this way the family can or not .. deal with things the way they need to. I like this kid to be clear .. he's not a bad kid .. he made a bad choice. My son had just as much part in the whole of what went down too.
Sometimes things just need to workout the way they workout and in this case I'm glad that it worked out this way .. I knew this kid would do the right thing .. he needed time to get there and I'm grateful that he did reach back out to me. I'm even more grateful I gave him the time to get there .. I just hope and pray that this is the lesson they both need to help each other, be a better friend and if someone is trying to help not to lie to them about it.
Hugs S :)
tiredtonite said
Oct 18, 2018
Great example of the program in action. Waiting is one of our Alanon topics and your share is a wonderful reminder of it's value. It's affords us time to consider rather than react. For me, it helps me to take a breath or pause as some in Alanon say. By waiting, I can sort the actual facts of what I know of a situation from my own projection or assumptions about it. It allows time for higher power to work in the situation as I practice "hands off."
I'm glad you are seeing positive outcomes with the kids and showing them you're a safe person to come to with issues. Thanks for sharing how working it can open communication and bring about positive outcomes (((serenityRus)) TT
Skorpi said
Oct 18, 2018
Love the way you worked the program here!
Iamhere said
Oct 18, 2018
Good on you (((S))) - I love when in doubt, don't....as well as attraction rather than promotion. Each time I am able to respond with grace and dignity instead of react with emotional chaos, I am grateful for the lessons and tools available to us in recovery. Great share, lovely outcome and outstanding program in action - go YOU!!!
Sometimes the best thing to do in a situation is nothing .. nothing is something and sometimes just like I always hear more will be revealed.
I had a very interesting turn of events occur regarding my youngest. Over the summer there was an "incident" in terms of drinking until blackout with his best friend. Two things I did that I questioned why I did what I did in terms of handling it. I'm giving it over for me it was a "God thing" .. I have moments of being extraordinarily brilliant as a human being/parent and more moments I tend to feel that being either is way like being a busted up piece of paper in a rain storm .. lol. I feel like what I did with this situation was the best for all concerned.
At first my reaction was to talk to the parents .. and then I thought about something .. when it comes to things of this nature not every time .. this time I could afford to allow it to play out the way it needed to. Had my son been hospitalized (which almost did occur based upon how much fluid he lost and I had no idea if other substances were involved at that point) it would have been a mess. I am a mandated reporter and I'm sorry I'm not telling the hospital that my son got intoxicated at home when he didn't .. as it could be a lost job. It just would have been a mess. It wasn't and I felt that this family needed this between them not me inserting myself into it. Who wants a stranger stating by the way your kid has some issues you might want to address .. lol .. I don't think I would receive that well so who am I to bring that on someone else. Now that's not to say I didn't have my own boundaries I was clear with both boys .. no discussion .. they could speak to each other via text and on xbox however I wasn't open to visits, sleep overs and so on. I was super clear with my son that he was not seeing a mutual friend to get around the semantics of the situation. At this point I am grateful because I did not over react with the drinking incident the boy has been super respectful. He's been very clear .. dude you gotta talk to my mom .. she's not going to budge .. we screwed up and this is just how it is for right now. I was very clear that this boy needed to talk to his mom .. and own what went down and he needed to talk to me. I honestly figured .. there was no way I would hear from this kid again .. lol.
He was humble and totally owned it .. you know I don't need details .. he was specific when he spoke about the drinking and lying to me about it. I'm not minimizing or maximizing .. the one thing I kept coming back to is that the word shame and guilt he kept using and no one needs to live there. I thanked him for the apology and let him know I have missed him. He's more than welcome to come to our home any time he wants based upon the fact the supervision is limited at his home I don't think it's a good idea for D to go there. (that's a true story I think the older brothers are suppose to be more involved than they are when mom and dad aren't home and mom and dad are usually working crazy hours). I think the way I understand it is that he sat down and talked to his mom and immediately text me after. I have not heard from the mom .. and honestly don't expect to it's not how they work and that's ok. I am really glad I waited because I think it was a more powerful experience for him to realize a few things, I really meant what I said, and for him to talk to his mom. It was the way it needed to play out. I don't think I would have been as calm as I needed to be if I had addressed it sooner and this way the family can or not .. deal with things the way they need to. I like this kid to be clear .. he's not a bad kid .. he made a bad choice. My son had just as much part in the whole of what went down too.
Sometimes things just need to workout the way they workout and in this case I'm glad that it worked out this way .. I knew this kid would do the right thing .. he needed time to get there and I'm grateful that he did reach back out to me. I'm even more grateful I gave him the time to get there .. I just hope and pray that this is the lesson they both need to help each other, be a better friend and if someone is trying to help not to lie to them about it.
Hugs S :)