This detachment business is getting easier. So I have had a complex relationship with a parent especially over the last 8 years. Probably that's when I became aware of it as I started progressing career wise about that time and for better or worse cut all ties to raise the three babies without any foo whatsoever. In hindsight this was a great decision for my sanity even if I traded one set of dysfunction for another. Its difficult to understand the "why's" at times. Now we're in a shared vicinity aboard and I'm so grateful I've had the benefit of experience with no input whatsoever prior to returning. There are still moments where I am gritting my teeth and thinking very unkind thoughts. But I think bitterness is contagious and if I stay stuck in it, I might end up similarly which is honestly enough to motivate a change in approach. It is difficult to have boundaries with a person that goes out of their way to trash every body elses, blatantly or with a pretended kindness. I'm getting better at it though. We simply remove ourselves from the same area, I avoid conversations beyond what's necessary to my interests, and as soon as the martyr raises its voice to plead victim I simply say don't do anything for us that I have not asked you to. I think it's difficult for her not to have someone to manipulate but I have to try not to swing from a neutral middle. At one extreme, I have no tolerance and can be savage with words, at the other end I feel sorry for her and allow her to feel superior. Yeah I'm done with both deceptions. Grateful for this board and the opportunity to think it out aloud. Just taking each day as it comes and ignoring most barbs.

((A41))))) It certainly sounds as if your well honed alanon tools and deep thoughts on the subject have informed you of the healthy manner of response in this difficult connection. You are an inspiration. Thanks for sharing the journey.

Great share and great use of tools....I can so relate to the push/pull between empathy and frustration, esp. with FOO.....I often am reminded by my sponsor that I have tools to deal with life differently, and they do not. Even if by choice, it is what it is. Keep doing you and love the one day at a time approach - saves my sanity always/often! (((Hugs))) - sending positive thoughts and mojo your way girl - you got this!!!

Sounds to me like you are working a very good and steady and healthy program. I relate to the back-and-forth stuff with family. I am learning to just follow what my heart tells me is the right thing to do. Keep on coming back, this really works

Thanks for the support I am practicing what I can control which is me. I do get hurt when I engage and I do get mad when I feel controlled. So the best thing for me is to detach and focus on me! There are lots of good things opening up in life especially school which is satisfying an important part of my being. I love learning and thinking and making intellectual connections with both concepts and other people. I feel happy and grateful with the end of first year in sight already. So quick! Exams are two weeks away and when they are done, im going to take my daughters out for a milkshake. ( son can't do dairy and hates sitting down for too long plus eats like an adult with great speed). They have all been very brave and amazing with all the changes especially lifestyle wise. They sit and pretend to read my textbooks which is hilarious (4 and 5 year olds attempting to read history of magna carta) and have adapted to a markedly different school and social system while dealing with a mother who is tired, resource constrained and sometimes impatient. I know I have some more work to do around expectations and encouragement and I beleive I can do that work when I'm not wasting so much energy on negativity. For the first time in a long time, I want to be happy. I want that "saner approach to living". It feels good!

((A41)) Love your desire to enjoy life and to have fun with the children Simply witnessing their cute behavior and appreciating it is a gift. These memories will last a life time. You are showing up, using your tools and will find the happiness that you wish to embrace.
Thanks for sharing the journey

(((a4l))) - love that you've got a plan for a celebration when exams are over. I believe we forget at times to celebrate our own success, and this to me shows great self-care! I did get a chuckle out of the visual of your little ones engaging with your text books! That made my heart smile as I felt some major unconditional love and acceptance of where momma is right here and right now.

For me, that desire to be happy, have joy combined with a strong desire to want to keep learning and growing is what has propelled me forward in recovery. I can say that not every waking moment of every single day is pain-free, serene and joyful yet I am able to deal/heal way better with practicing recovery and grabbing the tools when restless, irritable or discontent. Go YOU girl - and best to you for exams! I always tend to get anxious with testing no matter how familiar I am with the content - keep taking good care of you! (((Hugs)))

A4l, congratulations on coming so far with this journey -- both your school and your program which you work so diligently. I love how you appreciate and are planning to reward the children for their resilience ... this may help them grow stronger from a difficult situation.

Love this post! I am a relative newbie to alanon. I have so benefitted from the principles. I have a very difficult relationship with foo. My sister in particular. She is someone who does not drink but has been so effected by this family disease of alcoholism. I won't go into detail but very manipulative, lives in victim hood, irresponsible, so on. So I have had to learn to detach or sink with her. I have been doing very well. She can't quite figure this out. We have spent our lives doing the alcoholic family dance. I am choosing not to play anymore. Day at a time.

Detachment is hard with family members with that manipulation pattern. Good for you and thank you for sharing.

(((A41)))

Good Stuff :) I Was Even Picturing the Kiddo's Helping you Study, Its amazing what this Program can Open up inside us, as Long as we Keep Coming Back... Some Times Stopping to Smell the Rose's is the Best part of My Day :)

I too have always had issues with the Negative that Surrounds my Foo Family, and I'd Shared Many times in the past about how they would at Any Gathering just start Pulling each other apart, one by one and if not those In Attendance, they would find someone else to rip apart with their Words, it was something I Always did not Look forward to at Foo gatherings... I Had a Double Winner Friend tell me Once, "Well... Why don't you Vote with your Feet! You don't have to Leave the Party, but No One is Stopping you from Leaving the Room"... Sometimes its the Simplest little things that Truly Changed My Foo Family Get togethers :) Knowing I Can Vote with My Feet at Any Given Moment has Truly Changed things for me...Its My #1 Plan B :D

Your Tool Box has been Working for you and It Shows, Thanks for Your Share & for your Inspiring Journey as we Travel this Road ;)

So Very Glad your Here...
Friends in Recovery

Jozie