Growing up I only had my mom as my dad passed away at an early age. So I have my "uncle" who is technically not related to me in anyway but him and my mom grew up together so wherever we were he would move in with us every few years to help my mom out with babysitting and being an alcoholic himself...they got along fabulously. :( But as a result I got really close to my uncle because he's the person who first showed me how to cook and all these other things that a parent should do. If something major happened to me then he was right there to support me and help me through whatever was going on. I will say that I prefer him over my mom as he just wasn't an angry drunk like she was. Anyway I keep in contact with him and he's well aware I don't want anything to do with my mom. He's been super supportive and calls me once a week to see how I'm doing. He doesn't live anywhere near me but visits when he can. These visits have become more and more of a headache every year. Last year he got himself thrown in jail and kicked out of his hotel room(the only one in town). The visit after that included him seeing me once and then drinking the whole time and calling me right before he left. So I'm kinda at this point where I'm just tired of dealing with it and then month before last he called me and told me that his apartment had gotten bedbugs ewww. Then he called a week later and said he was having trouble getting all of his things laundered. I hate to say this but he's become a hoarder, though I haven't seen his apartment but I've heard this from others who have visited. He claims that he gets them from his neighbors and they have to spray when this happens and do heat treatments. riiight...
He's kept in contact that he's been dealing with his sister who is an addict and alcoholic. She basically saddled him with her disabled son and has been on her deathbed. I have never met this person more than two times and she was high? at the time. So he's been pretty stressed out about it. So then he just went no contact for almost two weeks. He calls me yesterday and says he is in town. His sister passed away last week and her funeral is tomorrow. I'm blown away because I did not know this and I did not know that it was that bad. So I guess his sister just had failure on just about everything due to her drinking. He shows up and showers and gets ready for the funeral, which I went to last night and I did not know anyone there. I've never been in the capacity where I have ever met his cousins or siblings(weird right?) I could only stay about an hour and I left because I had to get my kids ready for bed. He then throws on me that he is staying with me(cringe) and that he found a place for his nephew to stay. Normally I would be okay with this but I have a small house and our couch sucks. I told him this and he said it was going to be okay and all I'm thinking is BEDBUGS BEDBUGS BEDBUGS BEDBUGS..HIGH ALERT!!!!
I'm trying to be supportive but I'm kinda at this point where I don't want bedbugs(he says he is clear but every year? really?) and then there is the issue of him drinking. I called one of his old friends up last night and I totally panicked. I asked them if he could stay because our house is tiny and I know that he is going to drink. Well I got him to his friends house and now we are back to today. I really love my uncle but after dealing with my mom I'm at this point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know he just lost his sister but he's become completely unmanageable these past few years. Usually when you see someone you should be happy to see them but with my uncle I'm always having anxiety about what he's going to do next when he visits. He's always been pretty crazy and an alcoholic but after being in alanon I'm just now admitting to myself that I can't do this anymore. He is basically the only family I have but I'm just worn out. I feel like we shouldn't have anxiety about when someone comes to visit nor wonder what your gonna be put through this time. I will say that after meeting his family, every one of them was just about done with him. They all kept asking him when he was moving home(he has a degenerative disease) and he says that he is just gonna stay where he's at. I'm looking at him this whole time and I'm like..your sister just passed away..she was the only family you had where you live. But I didn't say that. I have no idea how to approach this problem. I don't want to be like no contact but at the same time its gotten really hard to deal with. At least with my mom I knew what I was going to get but with my uncle he's just one big child and its become to much for me to handle now. I now understand why most of his family has just written him off because of his antics. This time around looking at him and being there for him I'm just kinda like...how much longer can I do this? I don't want bedbugs nor do I want to deal with his visits. I love him to bits but he's become more and more unstable then when I was younger. I just don't know what to do.
DavidG said
Oct 15, 2018
OMG... Pol... the illness is serious and progressive...
it does not take us away from the person who might have been... and the love and affection we have received from that person...
I could be talking about the A. in my life here... but I do not need to be carried away by the illness, myself. Hopefully...
hotrod said
Oct 15, 2018
((Pol)) alanon suggests that we take care of uur selves first and then others If you are fearful of bedbugs I can so understand. Being supportive of your loved one can be accomplished in many ways Pray about this and know you are not alone
Jozie said
Oct 15, 2018
(((Pol)))
So Sorry you are Moving thru Such a Hard time, and I Can't Say I Completely understand because I'm not in your Shoes by No Means, but In My Experience, When I First Came to Al-Anon and Decided I Wanted a Better Life, a More Serene Life, that Took me a Very Very Long time To Feel Worthy of, I had to come to terms with "Some Peeps are Not Going to Like this ME!"
I had to Set Boundaries for what I Would & Would Not Put up with, and I'm Sorry but I'm with you on the BEDBUGS Things, Couldn't Agree to that One on Any Level "Sorry No Vacancy" and I'm Not making light of your Situation by No Means, I've just had Friends that have Experienced these and Told me of the Nightmare to make them Go Away!
I Found I Had to Speak My 'Truth', and Not Apologize... And If My Truth Was... "I Have a Small Home, with Children, and I Just Can't Risk the BEDBUGS things at All at this Point!" or as I've Learned Here: NO is a Complete Sentence :)
If I Really Wanted the New Found Me to Live Happy, Joyous & Free, I had to Eliminate the Things that Kept Driving Me back to where I Started. Am I saying Let go of the Relationship... Absolutely not, I'm saying your Worth having Boundaries, and Regardless of the Compassion I So Try to Show those Still Suffering in the Disease, I Can't let go of My Serenity to Allow them more Comfort when their Disease does not allow the Same Respect.
I have a ABrother that is Alcoholic that would Just Drop in on Moments Notice, Cause a Ruckus with his Drinking/Drunking, always wanted to "Borrow" Money, Buy him Smokes And he Stopped Speaking to me for Several Months, when I Finally Got my Feet Planted on Solid Ground, Thanks to Al-Anon...And He Quit Speaking to me, because I Told Him "I'm Sorry, that Don't Work for Me!" Today, Years Later, He is Still an Alcoholic stuck in his Disease, with no Desire to Seek Help, but the Relationship we have is Stronger, because I No Longer Allow him to Walk on me at His Choosing! I told him I'd Show him the Respect he Shows Me! So for a While, he Needed to be Mad at Me, but Like I Stated, in the End it turned Out Better Then I Ever Imagined it would.
When we Realize we Truly are WORTHY Of Serenity, and Peace... Its a Wonderful thing, but Sometimes, we have to do Hard Work to Keep it there, and Sometimes other Feelings get hurt in the process...
In Moments like you are In, I Try to Double up My Meetings- Whether online or Face to Face, Call my Sponsor, I try to Reach out to a Program Friend, or Like you Did, Share it here... Your Doing Great, and I'm Glad your Here!
Keep Coming Back!!!
My Prayers go out to your Uncle for the Lose of his Sister, and my Prayers go out to you for your Healing as you Move thru this tough time.... Know You are Worth it... And This too Shall Pass...
Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest...
Friends in Recovery
Jozie
Iamhere said
Oct 15, 2018
(((Pol))) - when I came to Al-Anon, and those who came before me suggested I put myself first including my needs, it felt selfish and uncomfortable. What I've discovered is I am way better at life, balance, boundaries, detaching, self-care when I tend to life in the suggested order. It's not always easy but working the program as best I can gave me the courage to let go of some people/things and make room for healthier people/things.
I was not very good or consistent with boundaries and detaching in the beginning. This is where the fellowship (meetings and support) and a sponsor were so very helpful for me. I don't like to dismiss others or shut people out of my life so instead, my sponsor helped me with creating boundaries that were protective vs. punitive. It's not always easy, but with practice it does get better.
I too send prayers for you, your uncle, his sister and all affected. The power of the disease is truly greater than anyone of us and it always hurts my heart when one passes from it. Be kind to you and you are not alone regarding the bed bugs - I too would be gun-shy.....yuck!!!
Pol said
Oct 15, 2018
Hi all Im quickly working on some boundaries with my uncle as we speak. I havent had a chance to talk to him just yet. Hes been kinda just super sad about his sister(Ive seen him worse..I think hes handling it pretty well). I went to the funeral earlier and it was extremely uncomfortable for me since I didnt know anyone but also I was upset that his family was just ignoring him. I made sure to sit by him and talk to him, just try to keep him stable. I asked about the bedbug issue and he said he got rid of them completely and he got rid of mostly everything He had. But that he also wants to move because now he has his nephew and he has to get him on his feet to be able to live alone(disability and a caregiver) but that he has got that managed. I did stress about him being older and his disease is getting worse. I also told him that if something happened to him I feel like after today I am not gonna be able to be there with how his family was being. SUPER intense conversation in a short amount of time but we were on the same page. Its slow going but I got somewhere with him and I do believe him about the bedbugs issue due to he wouldnt visit at all(thats what he did last time). I was super upset earlier due to how my mom(his closest friend apparently) did a no show and never even called him so Im just to be supportive right now and be there for him. Its not easy but hes sober for right now and thats a good thing.
tiredtonite said
Oct 15, 2018
I'm sorry you're going through this but glad to see your follow up post. It sounds you're coming to terms with what you can and can't do to help him and are taking things one day at a time. Alcoholism is such an awful illness and when we truly love the person under the disease, I think it's even harder to separate loving support from enabling. Also difficult to choose self love over loving those alcoholics who have been loving toward us when we needed them. It's a side of active alcoholism we don't hear as much about. Like you, I've felt allegiance and indepted to the functioning alcoholics in my family because of times when helped me.
We say in Alanon "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If only that were true of the disease of alcoholism, if only it never progressed. It does and it's sad that we as family are powerless to do battle with it's progression. The Serenity Prayer reminds us of our limited power. Your uncle is lucky to have such a kind and compassionate neice to comfort him during this time of loss. I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing with your mother. Prayers for you and your family. ((hugs)) TT
Pol said
Oct 15, 2018
Im hoping I see him before he leaves but I have no idea. I will try to have a good convo with him before he leaves but Im just not going to press it right now. Another issue came up and kinda threw a wrench in the system. But I will deal with that as time goes along..just not right now. I realize that Im not the only person in his life but Im also seeing that Im the only one who is there for him through everything and I just cant not be there when its like this for him. I will set boundaries but its just not the right time and I will be talking to him about letting me know about when he comes down so I can be prepared. I was so not ready this time around I just kinda was not prepared for everything that happened the last two days.(way out of my comfort zone..) Im gonna try to catch a meeting tomorrow and tomorrow evening. I definitely need them and thank you all for the support, I was totally not in crisis mode but definitely in a mode of I have no idea what to do.
Growing up I only had my mom as my dad passed away at an early age. So I have my "uncle" who is technically not related to me in anyway but him and my mom grew up together so wherever we were he would move in with us every few years to help my mom out with babysitting and being an alcoholic himself...they got along fabulously. :(
But as a result I got really close to my uncle because he's the person who first showed me how to cook and all these other things that a parent should do. If something major happened to me then he was right there to support me and help me through whatever was going on. I will say that I prefer him over my mom as he just wasn't an angry drunk like she was. Anyway I keep in contact with him and he's well aware I don't want anything to do with my mom. He's been super supportive and calls me once a week to see how I'm doing. He doesn't live anywhere near me but visits when he can. These visits have become more and more of a headache every year. Last year he got himself thrown in jail and kicked out of his hotel room(the only one in town). The visit after that included him seeing me once and then drinking the whole time and calling me right before he left. So I'm kinda at this point where I'm just tired of dealing with it and then month before last he called me and told me that his apartment had gotten bedbugs ewww. Then he called a week later and said he was having trouble getting all of his things laundered. I hate to say this but he's become a hoarder, though I haven't seen his apartment but I've heard this from others who have visited. He claims that he gets them from his neighbors and they have to spray when this happens and do heat treatments. riiight...
He's kept in contact that he's been dealing with his sister who is an addict and alcoholic. She basically saddled him with her disabled son and has been on her deathbed. I have never met this person more than two times and she was high? at the time. So he's been pretty stressed out about it. So then he just went no contact for almost two weeks. He calls me yesterday and says he is in town. His sister passed away last week and her funeral is tomorrow. I'm blown away because I did not know this and I did not know that it was that bad. So I guess his sister just had failure on just about everything due to her drinking. He shows up and showers and gets ready for the funeral, which I went to last night and I did not know anyone there. I've never been in the capacity where I have ever met his cousins or siblings(weird right?) I could only stay about an hour and I left because I had to get my kids ready for bed. He then throws on me that he is staying with me(cringe) and that he found a place for his nephew to stay. Normally I would be okay with this but I have a small house and our couch sucks. I told him this and he said it was going to be okay and all I'm thinking is BEDBUGS BEDBUGS BEDBUGS BEDBUGS..HIGH ALERT!!!!
I'm trying to be supportive but I'm kinda at this point where I don't want bedbugs(he says he is clear but every year? really?) and then there is the issue of him drinking. I called one of his old friends up last night and I totally panicked. I asked them if he could stay because our house is tiny and I know that he is going to drink. Well I got him to his friends house and now we are back to today. I really love my uncle but after dealing with my mom I'm at this point where I don't want to deal with it anymore. I know he just lost his sister but he's become completely unmanageable these past few years. Usually when you see someone you should be happy to see them but with my uncle I'm always having anxiety about what he's going to do next when he visits. He's always been pretty crazy and an alcoholic but after being in alanon I'm just now admitting to myself that I can't do this anymore. He is basically the only family I have but I'm just worn out. I feel like we shouldn't have anxiety about when someone comes to visit nor wonder what your gonna be put through this time. I will say that after meeting his family, every one of them was just about done with him. They all kept asking him when he was moving home(he has a degenerative disease) and he says that he is just gonna stay where he's at. I'm looking at him this whole time and I'm like..your sister just passed away..she was the only family you had where you live. But I didn't say that.
I have no idea how to approach this problem. I don't want to be like no contact but at the same time its gotten really hard to deal with. At least with my mom I knew what I was going to get but with my uncle he's just one big child and its become to much for me to handle now. I now understand why most of his family has just written him off because of his antics. This time around looking at him and being there for him I'm just kinda like...how much longer can I do this? I don't want bedbugs nor do I want to deal with his visits. I love him to bits but he's become more and more unstable then when I was younger. I just don't know what to do.
OMG... Pol... the illness is serious and progressive...
it does not take us away from the person who might have been... and the love and affection we have received from that person...
I could be talking about the A. in my life here... but I do not need to be carried away by the illness, myself. Hopefully...
((Pol)) alanon suggests that we take care of uur selves first and then others If you are fearful of bedbugs I can so understand.
Being supportive of your loved one can be accomplished in many ways Pray about this and know you are not alone
So Sorry you are Moving thru Such a Hard time, and I Can't Say I Completely understand because I'm not in your Shoes by No Means, but In My Experience, When I First Came to Al-Anon and Decided I Wanted a Better Life, a More Serene Life, that Took me a Very Very Long time To Feel Worthy of, I had to come to terms with "Some Peeps are Not Going to Like this ME!"
I had to Set Boundaries for what I Would & Would Not Put up with, and I'm Sorry but I'm with you on the BEDBUGS Things, Couldn't Agree to that One on Any Level "Sorry No Vacancy" and I'm Not making light of your Situation by No Means, I've just had Friends that have Experienced these and Told me of the Nightmare to make them Go Away!
I Found I Had to Speak My 'Truth', and Not Apologize... And If My Truth Was... "I Have a Small Home, with Children, and I Just Can't Risk the BEDBUGS things at All at this Point!" or as I've Learned Here: NO is a Complete Sentence :)
If I Really Wanted the New Found Me to Live Happy, Joyous & Free, I had to Eliminate the Things that Kept Driving Me back to where I Started. Am I saying Let go of the Relationship... Absolutely not, I'm saying your Worth having Boundaries, and Regardless of the Compassion I So Try to Show those Still Suffering in the Disease, I Can't let go of My Serenity to Allow them more Comfort when their Disease does not allow the Same Respect.
I have a ABrother that is Alcoholic that would Just Drop in on Moments Notice, Cause a Ruckus with his Drinking/Drunking, always wanted to "Borrow" Money, Buy him Smokes And he Stopped Speaking to me for Several Months, when I Finally Got my Feet Planted on Solid Ground, Thanks to Al-Anon...And He Quit Speaking to me, because I Told Him "I'm Sorry, that Don't Work for Me!" Today, Years Later, He is Still an Alcoholic stuck in his Disease, with no Desire to Seek Help, but the Relationship we have is Stronger, because I No Longer Allow him to Walk on me at His Choosing! I told him I'd Show him the Respect he Shows Me! So for a While, he Needed to be Mad at Me, but Like I Stated, in the End it turned Out Better Then I Ever Imagined it would.
When we Realize we Truly are WORTHY Of Serenity, and Peace... Its a Wonderful thing, but Sometimes, we have to do Hard Work to Keep it there, and Sometimes other Feelings get hurt in the process...
In Moments like you are In, I Try to Double up My Meetings- Whether online or Face to Face, Call my Sponsor, I try to Reach out to a Program Friend, or Like you Did, Share it here... Your Doing Great, and I'm Glad your Here!
Keep Coming Back!!!
My Prayers go out to your Uncle for the Lose of his Sister, and my Prayers go out to you for your Healing as you Move thru this tough time.... Know You are Worth it... And This too Shall Pass...
Please Take what you like and Leave the Rest...
Friends in Recovery
Jozie
I was not very good or consistent with boundaries and detaching in the beginning. This is where the fellowship (meetings and support) and a sponsor were so very helpful for me. I don't like to dismiss others or shut people out of my life so instead, my sponsor helped me with creating boundaries that were protective vs. punitive. It's not always easy, but with practice it does get better.
I too send prayers for you, your uncle, his sister and all affected. The power of the disease is truly greater than anyone of us and it always hurts my heart when one passes from it. Be kind to you and you are not alone regarding the bed bugs - I too would be gun-shy.....yuck!!!
I'm sorry you're going through this but glad to see your follow up post. It sounds you're coming to terms with what you can and can't do to help him and are taking things one day at a time. Alcoholism is such an awful illness and when we truly love the person under the disease, I think it's even harder to separate loving support from enabling. Also difficult to choose self love over loving those alcoholics who have been loving toward us when we needed them. It's a side of active alcoholism we don't hear as much about. Like you, I've felt allegiance and indepted to the functioning alcoholics in my family because of times when helped me.
We say in Alanon "If nothing changes, nothing changes." If only that were true of the disease of alcoholism, if only it never progressed. It does and it's sad that we as family are powerless to do battle with it's progression. The Serenity Prayer reminds us of our limited power. Your uncle is lucky to have such a kind and compassionate neice to comfort him during this time of loss. I'm sorry for the pain you're experiencing with your mother. Prayers for you and your family. ((hugs)) TT