I heard about the forum today via my husband's therapist. Today, for the first time ever, he asked me if I would join him for his therapy session. He started seeing a therapist within the last month after our fighting over his use got especially bad. I am thankful for that, but progress is really show and invisible at times. He has been using on and off for as long as I have known him. In the beginning, I incorrectly assumed that the use wasn't that bad - that maybe he was just bad at moderation when partaking. Later on, when I realized it in fact WAS pretty bad, I believed that it was most certainly situational. Then, once I realized it wasn't situational and frequently got worse, I thought we could work together to set some ground rules for the house and for social situations. Eventually, I found out that he started using when I wasn't home in order to avoid arguments and keep up appearances. Turns out it was far worse than I had thought. He was having physical symptoms when he tried to cut back and/or quit - and we have had multiple failed attempts at both. My fuse became very short when it came to his use. Trust was damaged on both sides. He became resentful because of all the arguing we were enduring. It's been really hard. It's like we both see each other as the bad guy now. How does one come back from that?
Anyway, we are trying to work on it with a professional now. Same time next week.
The hardest part is that I can't really tell anyone in my life what is going on. If I do, they will judge him. What happens if they are not able to understand? What if they are never able to see him the same way again?
So thank you for allowing me to share without fear of permanent damage to our marriage.
Hopefully I did this right :)
Have a great evening.
DavidG said
Oct 13, 2018
Welcome in, to the group, 41...
we come into Alanon, from all sorts of directions... ...
hotrod said
Oct 13, 2018
Welcome GrpThry Glad that you found the courage to reach out and share your concerns. This Board is an offshoot of the Alanon program that holds face o face meetings in most communities The hot line number is found in the white pages WE believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless and that it infects all that it comes in contact with. Alanon offers many tools to help live with the disease namely Keeping the focus on ourselves, meetings, trust in a Higher Power daily meditation, connecting with like minded people and sharing our stories as you have done Please keep coming back. There is hope
-pS Your anonymity is protected if you elect to attend face to face meetings What is said at meetings and between members is considered private and any form of gossip discouraged
luv123 said
Oct 13, 2018
Welcome,
*Please see sticky notes above on listings for frequently asked questions.
So glad you are here. I have had a lot of success with using this program. I can relate to what you shared and believe you will definitely find strength hope and new strategies for living within even the most challenging situations. There is no situation too difficult to be bettered and so many people in here have had these very similar experiences too.
At my first face to face meeting I heard the 3 C's (I didn't cause the disease, can't cure it and can't control it) and to try and live these knew principles one day at a time. I always liked how we can take what we like and leave the rest and there are no musts as to what "tools" or concepts I choose to try or incorporate.
I would suggest to keep an dopen mind, read as much as possible from our literature. (Many of us read from our 3 daily readers with a page for each day on an Al-anon topic.)Ask questions if something seems confusing or unclear. 1-888-4 Al-anon or al-anon.org will help you find.
Take care of you,
Luv123
JerryF said
Oct 13, 2018
Aloha Grp Thrpy41 and welcome to the family I hope you find the dedication to keep coming back and stick around. You have already receive great feedback on your introduction and let me add my empathy too. I have participated in this Family and in the Al-Anon Family Groups since 1979 and I am God glad this and more was available to me even though from the start I resisted it all. I was born and raised within the disease of addiction yet couldn't say or spell alcoholic or alcoholism when I first got here. I just didn't know what it was and what was going on and by then I had left my alcoholic family of origin and my second alcoholic/addict wife and struggling with the disease myself. Don't leave many miracles of love and understanding and recover are here free for the offering.
Everything I learned about alcoholism and addiction I learned in the Family Groups including attachments to other sources which grew my life saving understanding. That including college and state, county and community service and service in private sector. It started with hearing that alcoholism was a mind and mood altering chemical disease which is communicable, can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested by total abstinence it is often this progressive disease results in mental and emotional and physical disability. When I heard this I researched the information and ended up crying because I was infatuated with the wife you was affected. I came to understand and I was depressed because I could not teach her how to drink or not drink...I was powerless over it myself as was my family from birth. I made the decision to get in and stay in this program and to let it teach me how to live with it and stay alive (it is fatal and doesn't only kill the drinker) one day at a time.
Therapy group or individual did not work for my alcoholic/addict and myself because we didn't avail ourselves to it. Instead to save my own sanity I left the marriage and sought individual help which worked. I joined AA also after a period of time because I am also alcoholic and I stayed and live with the program around me on a daily basis. Another of the best suggestions made to me early on which continues to help me on a daily basis is "Keep and open mind, Listen, Listen, Listen and Practice, Practice, Practice then give it away to others."
This disease continues to wreak havoc in the life of my family after moving into my children and grand-children. Above all it gives me compassion, understanding and hope and I continue to use and practice it one day at a time. Keep coming back. I am in support. (((((hug)))))
Iamhere said
Oct 14, 2018
GrpThrpy41 - I too send you a warm welcome! Glad you found MIP and glad that you joined in and shared. Alcoholism/addiction is a progressive disease and it reaches well beyond the user to affect most who live with or love them. It's considered a family disease for this very reason - we, as family and friends, often over-react or sit in denial, have distorted thinking and put our lives on hold waiting for the other to 'get well'.
There is no cure for the disease - there is hope in recovery though. One has to hit bottom and want it to get it. For us, there is Al-Anon and for me personally, it's saved my life and sanity. It is in meetings that I found my 'tribe' - those who really understood the insanity of the disease and were able to support me and share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) for me to see I was no longer alone.
I can so relate to feeling isolated and having nobody to share with. I grew up with a family that judged often/always. They are great people, just have opinions on any/everything. They did not understand what I was feeling, going through, etc. and I also had no doubt they would judge my guys. I did find trusted friends in recovery and now have an outlet to vent to/with as well as seek solutions for my situation/crisis.
I hope you keep coming back and I too encourage you to seek out and attend local meetings. Keep an open mind and look for the similarities in shares vs. the differences. While we each have our own history and journey, listening with an open mind and heart helped me find some hope - for me, for my guys, for my marriage and for my future.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Lyne said
Oct 14, 2018
Welcome GT-I have found Alanon to be a source of strength, help, and healing. My grown son and I have always been close and he could tell just by looking at me that things were not good with me and my A. I was too ashamed to tell my friends at first, but I did talk to him. And my A talked to his wife about her escapades. All in all, over time, all that knowledge to my son and dtr-in-law, was not a good move, and over the years it did finally all blow up over a series of events. Currently they don't speak or see my spouse. It's like I have two separate families, with a grandchild as well. They do let her see my A.
Alanon helps me help myself, and since I have no control over anyone else, this is the program I need. My spouse and I also see an addiction counselor together, 2xmonth, and this has also been a tremendous help this last year. Try whatever might work for you, but Alanon might be one of your Go To places. I attend F2F meetings, have a sponsor I worked closely with for several years, and find this message board another part of my healing process. Keep coming back, Lyne
Aline said
Oct 14, 2018
Hi and welcome from me, too. So great you are here! There is a lot of help, hope and support available in Al-anon program and in this group as well. I encourage you give face to face meetings a chance as well, it is recommended to try several different meetings because not every meeting might be the best fit. Although I've been fortunate to stay at both meetings near me as I don't live in an area full of them. I have never had anonymity issues in this program, and it is designed to be this way. I don't suppose there's a fullproof guarantee as I don't think there's such a thing anywhere anyway, but the way I see it, everyone who comes to the rooms of Al-Anon is there for the same reason as others, to find help because of a loved one's drinking, so everyone is on the same page regarding anonymity. Keep coming back, you are not alone
tiredtonite said
Oct 14, 2018
Just wanted to add a warm welcome along with the others who have responded. Hope you will keep joining us for recovery and support ((hugs)) TT
Hello,
I am new to the forum and wanted to say hi.
I heard about the forum today via my husband's therapist. Today, for the first time ever, he asked me if I would join him for his therapy session. He started seeing a therapist within the last month after our fighting over his use got especially bad. I am thankful for that, but progress is really show and invisible at times. He has been using on and off for as long as I have known him. In the beginning, I incorrectly assumed that the use wasn't that bad - that maybe he was just bad at moderation when partaking. Later on, when I realized it in fact WAS pretty bad, I believed that it was most certainly situational. Then, once I realized it wasn't situational and frequently got worse, I thought we could work together to set some ground rules for the house and for social situations. Eventually, I found out that he started using when I wasn't home in order to avoid arguments and keep up appearances. Turns out it was far worse than I had thought. He was having physical symptoms when he tried to cut back and/or quit - and we have had multiple failed attempts at both. My fuse became very short when it came to his use. Trust was damaged on both sides. He became resentful because of all the arguing we were enduring. It's been really hard. It's like we both see each other as the bad guy now. How does one come back from that?
Anyway, we are trying to work on it with a professional now. Same time next week.
The hardest part is that I can't really tell anyone in my life what is going on. If I do, they will judge him. What happens if they are not able to understand? What if they are never able to see him the same way again?
So thank you for allowing me to share without fear of permanent damage to our marriage.
Hopefully I did this right :)
Have a great evening.
we come into Alanon, from all sorts of directions...
...
Welcome GrpThry Glad that you found the courage to reach out and share your concerns. This Board is an offshoot of the Alanon program that holds face o face meetings in most communities The hot line number is found in the white pages
WE believe that alcoholism is a disease over which we are powerless and that it infects all that it comes in contact with. Alanon offers many tools to help live with the disease namely Keeping the focus on ourselves, meetings, trust in a Higher Power daily meditation, connecting with like minded people and sharing our stories as you have done Please keep coming back. There is hope
-pS Your anonymity is protected if you elect to attend face to face meetings What is said at meetings and between members is considered private and any form of gossip discouraged
Welcome,
*Please see sticky notes above on listings for frequently asked questions.
So glad you are here. I have had a lot of success with using this program. I can relate to what you shared and believe you will definitely find strength hope and new strategies for living within even the most challenging situations. There is no situation too difficult to be bettered and so many people in here have had these very similar experiences too.
At my first face to face meeting I heard the 3 C's (I didn't cause the disease, can't cure it and can't control it) and to try and live these knew principles one day at a time. I always liked how we can take what we like and leave the rest and there are no musts as to what "tools" or concepts I choose to try or incorporate.
I would suggest to keep an dopen mind, read as much as possible from our literature. (Many of us read from our 3 daily readers with a page for each day on an Al-anon topic.)Ask questions if something seems confusing or unclear. 1-888-4 Al-anon or al-anon.org will help you find.
Take care of you,
Luv123
Aloha Grp Thrpy41 and welcome to the family I hope you find the dedication to keep coming back and stick around. You have already receive great feedback on your introduction and let me add my empathy too. I have participated in this Family and in the Al-Anon Family Groups since 1979 and I am God glad this and more was available to me even though from the start I resisted it all. I was born and raised within the disease of addiction yet couldn't say or spell alcoholic or alcoholism when I first got here. I just didn't know what it was and what was going on and by then I had left my alcoholic family of origin and my second alcoholic/addict wife and struggling with the disease myself. Don't leave many miracles of love and understanding and recover are here free for the offering.
Everything I learned about alcoholism and addiction I learned in the Family Groups including attachments to other sources which grew my life saving understanding. That including college and state, county and community service and service in private sector. It started with hearing that alcoholism was a mind and mood altering chemical disease which is communicable, can never be cured and only arrested by total abstinence. If not arrested by total abstinence it is often this progressive disease results in mental and emotional and physical disability. When I heard this I researched the information and ended up crying because I was infatuated with the wife you was affected. I came to understand and I was depressed because I could not teach her how to drink or not drink...I was powerless over it myself as was my family from birth. I made the decision to get in and stay in this program and to let it teach me how to live with it and stay alive (it is fatal and doesn't only kill the drinker) one day at a time.
Therapy group or individual did not work for my alcoholic/addict and myself because we didn't avail ourselves to it. Instead to save my own sanity I left the marriage and sought individual help which worked. I joined AA also after a period of time because I am also alcoholic and I stayed and live with the program around me on a daily basis. Another of the best suggestions made to me early on which continues to help me on a daily basis is "Keep and open mind, Listen, Listen, Listen and Practice, Practice, Practice then give it away to others."
This disease continues to wreak havoc in the life of my family after moving into my children and grand-children. Above all it gives me compassion, understanding and hope and I continue to use and practice it one day at a time. Keep coming back. I am in support. (((((hug)))))
There is no cure for the disease - there is hope in recovery though. One has to hit bottom and want it to get it. For us, there is Al-Anon and for me personally, it's saved my life and sanity. It is in meetings that I found my 'tribe' - those who really understood the insanity of the disease and were able to support me and share their ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) for me to see I was no longer alone.
I can so relate to feeling isolated and having nobody to share with. I grew up with a family that judged often/always. They are great people, just have opinions on any/everything. They did not understand what I was feeling, going through, etc. and I also had no doubt they would judge my guys. I did find trusted friends in recovery and now have an outlet to vent to/with as well as seek solutions for my situation/crisis.
I hope you keep coming back and I too encourage you to seek out and attend local meetings. Keep an open mind and look for the similarities in shares vs. the differences. While we each have our own history and journey, listening with an open mind and heart helped me find some hope - for me, for my guys, for my marriage and for my future.
You are not alone - there is hope and help in recovery!!
Alanon helps me help myself, and since I have no control over anyone else, this is the program I need. My spouse and I also see an addiction counselor together, 2xmonth, and this has also been a tremendous help this last year. Try whatever might work for you, but Alanon might be one of your Go To places. I attend F2F meetings, have a sponsor I worked closely with for several years, and find this message board another part of my healing process. Keep coming back, Lyne
Just wanted to add a warm welcome along with the others who have responded. Hope you will keep joining us for recovery and support ((hugs)) TT