I haven't heard from my friend and I don't think I will mostly because I believe if she's not in the hospital she is in a rehab facility and I have doubts if she is still in the throws of the disease even when she gets out she will not contact me. I understand the shame and self pity for lack of a better term. She's got her own stuff to go through. It's hard however easier to accept what's going on at the moment. I wish she would share however she's not in a place to do so .. I mean literally no phone at the moment.
My oldest really puts me through my parenting paces and thankfully I am 10 days out from being a full blown maniac .. lol. At least I know it's coming. His hormone replacement therapy is suppose to start sooner than later. I'm not looking forward to 2nd puberty given what we have already gone through. I hesitate with him living at home .. me paramenopausal and him revamping puberty .. hmm .. I think the other two need to hide. lol. I knew the appointments were on a waiting list however I did not know if they call you it's that day. Well .. I need more information .. how late can we go .. where is it .. what's going on .. blah blah blah .. the other night kiddo comes home I got a call and I asked what do you need from me .. the response was don't worry about it I can handle it .. ok. What I find interesting is .. I can handle it turns into I am the one there .. it is not the same and yet it is like my XAH .. when he had his accident he wasn't calling the current girlfriend .. he was calling me to get him from the hospital and fix his situation. By that point I was coming to the end of my feelings for him meaning I was shutting off. It's always been .. S will handle it if no one else can .. well no .. that was true years ago .. that's not true anymore and while I love my children dearly I don't like being disrespected with my time .. and honestly that is across the board. Well phone call came in the day before at 7PM .. and here it is the next day at 145PM .. bet me I wouldn't have been on the phone at 7AM and going forward .. child was up all night by choice or not .. not my problem .. these are choices you make going after dreams and even wants .. is it worth it .. if the answer is yes .. then short term pain long term gain.
The whole conversation went from that night to I have this handled don't worry about it to who's suppose to come to the rescue, .. good ol' mom .. where is the school shooter boyfriend and his "wonderful" family who has supported kid like I haven't .. ok .. hmm. Raised eyebrow from me .. it's a good thing my mouth and mind were on the same playing field as I avoided some fouls. Literally gave me 20 min to get home 45 min to drive there and expected me to sit in traffic for hours coming home on a Thursday night .. umm .. noooo .. and will not give me more information such as can we do this differently .. finally I called the hospital .. and I wasn't calling about my son I called about their program and explain to me how this works and why it is the way it is .. sooo .. that inspired a meltdown from kid and this was on the level of the scholarship stuff I went through earlier. He hears what he wants to hear an nothing else and refuses to answer any questions because he has not bothered to ask any.
The nice thing is I have already been down this road with this kid so I am seeing patterns of behavior. I am able to see what is and is not mine. I am able to figure out what I need to do to respond and so on .. the biggest thing I did was keep calm. I mean kid threw some trip wires, bombs and so on .. I just kept steady. This is truly like dealing with my X .. the difference is I'm in a different place. I just am older and less willing to put up with a lot of crap from other people.
I am also in a very non emotional place on the subject .. still .. there are no tears .. there's no anger .. it's strictly facts .. and that part bothers me because I am out of gives .. I have nothing left and I explained to kiddo just 2 weeks ago .. I am not going to play games with him. It is very it is or it isn't. I am not interested in the gray area. I am sorry that he feels things aren't fair .. however rent free, food free, no expenses except the weekly ones he fills .. I am beyond done I guess. It's not about I don't love him or I am angry even.
I am sure in 10 days I will be somewhere different .. today this is where I'm at and kid and I ended on a more positive note and I explained my understanding I guess based upon the conversation the program people decided it was easier to talk to me directly and son will need to start calling in 2 weeks to find out about a dr appointment on the 12th at least I can give notice to my boss and have time and if I am stuck in traffic it's my choice not someone else deciding for me.
Hugs S :)
a4l said
Oct 13, 2018
Your post bought something to my attention for me personally. I remember feeling and thinking how my ah reminded me of my parent and how my autistic child reminded me of my ah and vice versa and the temptation to just throw them all in a boat together and send them out to sea lol. I know my short temper and cutting tongue reminded the ah of his former partner and one parent told me my whole life how much I was like the other parent who I never knew. Today now I'm looking at it all and reducing it down to human nature. Human nature is a pain in the rear at times. Often times on a tired day/week/month. I know how much you've been through loving that kiddo of yours, both of them. And am sending you solidarity. They are lucky to have you.
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 13, 2018
((((SerenityRUS))))))
You are dealing with two major stressors right now. One you literally have no control over and you are doing a good job at handing that worry over to your HP. The other, you have to constantly deal with the perceived notion of "control" b/c you are this person's mom. As you know, I feel ya here! This too, you understand. I read it in your words, in how you interact with Kid... but I know it can still be crazy-making b/c you have this notion... "But I am "Mom," and Kid has his notion, "This is how I've always dealt with Mom and I know she will bail me."
Except you are now offering up a different way.... Kiddo is still operating on the old way. This dynamic is indeed very much like dealing with addictive behaviors. The good news? Stay your course and eventually Kiddo will get it. I see this as the dynamic between you two is still shifting, still evolving... to a more healthful exchange between adults!
Still doesn't make it any easier though, so I am sending you support! Your post also reminded me of HALT.... with the "H" being "Am I HORMONAL!" LOL! I know that you know I don't mean any disrespect by that... just comraderie!
Sending you Light & Love,
SerenityRUS said
Oct 13, 2018
Ohhh girl .. we do HHALT ... Hormonal Hungry Angry Lonely Tired ... LOL!!!
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 14, 2018
LOL!^^^^^^^^^ Yes! HHALT!
bud said
Oct 15, 2018
(((SerenityRUS)))) Inspiring program work! Sending positive thoughts your way for peace and serenity.
andromeda said
Oct 15, 2018
Hugs girl! I have often had to tell my own kid that I just can't be his 'everything' anymore and that he needs to find solutions but he also needs to be honest with me, too. If I pay his rent and put food on the table, the least he can do is communicate. I learned a lot from you in this arena and I still do. Thank you for inspiring all of us with your strength and vulnerability. ((serenity))
I haven't heard from my friend and I don't think I will mostly because I believe if she's not in the hospital she is in a rehab facility and I have doubts if she is still in the throws of the disease even when she gets out she will not contact me. I understand the shame and self pity for lack of a better term. She's got her own stuff to go through. It's hard however easier to accept what's going on at the moment. I wish she would share however she's not in a place to do so .. I mean literally no phone at the moment.
My oldest really puts me through my parenting paces and thankfully I am 10 days out from being a full blown maniac .. lol. At least I know it's coming. His hormone replacement therapy is suppose to start sooner than later. I'm not looking forward to 2nd puberty given what we have already gone through. I hesitate with him living at home .. me paramenopausal and him revamping puberty .. hmm .. I think the other two need to hide. lol. I knew the appointments were on a waiting list however I did not know if they call you it's that day. Well .. I need more information .. how late can we go .. where is it .. what's going on .. blah blah blah .. the other night kiddo comes home I got a call and I asked what do you need from me .. the response was don't worry about it I can handle it .. ok. What I find interesting is .. I can handle it turns into I am the one there .. it is not the same and yet it is like my XAH .. when he had his accident he wasn't calling the current girlfriend .. he was calling me to get him from the hospital and fix his situation. By that point I was coming to the end of my feelings for him meaning I was shutting off. It's always been .. S will handle it if no one else can .. well no .. that was true years ago .. that's not true anymore and while I love my children dearly I don't like being disrespected with my time .. and honestly that is across the board. Well phone call came in the day before at 7PM .. and here it is the next day at 145PM .. bet me I wouldn't have been on the phone at 7AM and going forward .. child was up all night by choice or not .. not my problem .. these are choices you make going after dreams and even wants .. is it worth it .. if the answer is yes .. then short term pain long term gain.
The whole conversation went from that night to I have this handled don't worry about it to who's suppose to come to the rescue, .. good ol' mom .. where is the school shooter boyfriend and his "wonderful" family who has supported kid like I haven't .. ok .. hmm. Raised eyebrow from me .. it's a good thing my mouth and mind were on the same playing field as I avoided some fouls. Literally gave me 20 min to get home 45 min to drive there and expected me to sit in traffic for hours coming home on a Thursday night .. umm .. noooo .. and will not give me more information such as can we do this differently .. finally I called the hospital .. and I wasn't calling about my son I called about their program and explain to me how this works and why it is the way it is .. sooo .. that inspired a meltdown from kid and this was on the level of the scholarship stuff I went through earlier. He hears what he wants to hear an nothing else and refuses to answer any questions because he has not bothered to ask any.
The nice thing is I have already been down this road with this kid so I am seeing patterns of behavior. I am able to see what is and is not mine. I am able to figure out what I need to do to respond and so on .. the biggest thing I did was keep calm. I mean kid threw some trip wires, bombs and so on .. I just kept steady. This is truly like dealing with my X .. the difference is I'm in a different place. I just am older and less willing to put up with a lot of crap from other people.
I am also in a very non emotional place on the subject .. still .. there are no tears .. there's no anger .. it's strictly facts .. and that part bothers me because I am out of gives .. I have nothing left and I explained to kiddo just 2 weeks ago .. I am not going to play games with him. It is very it is or it isn't. I am not interested in the gray area. I am sorry that he feels things aren't fair .. however rent free, food free, no expenses except the weekly ones he fills .. I am beyond done I guess. It's not about I don't love him or I am angry even.
I am sure in 10 days I will be somewhere different .. today this is where I'm at and kid and I ended on a more positive note and I explained my understanding I guess based upon the conversation the program people decided it was easier to talk to me directly and son will need to start calling in 2 weeks to find out about a dr appointment on the 12th at least I can give notice to my boss and have time and if I am stuck in traffic it's my choice not someone else deciding for me.
Hugs S :)
You are dealing with two major stressors right now. One you literally have no control over and you are doing a good job at handing that worry over to your HP. The other, you have to constantly deal with the perceived notion of "control" b/c you are this person's mom. As you know, I feel ya here! This too, you understand. I read it in your words, in how you interact with Kid... but I know it can still be crazy-making b/c you have this notion... "But I am "Mom," and Kid has his notion, "This is how I've always dealt with Mom and I know she will bail me."
Except you are now offering up a different way.... Kiddo is still operating on the old way. This dynamic is indeed very much like dealing with addictive behaviors. The good news? Stay your course and eventually Kiddo will get it. I see this as the dynamic between you two is still shifting, still evolving... to a more healthful exchange between adults!
Still doesn't make it any easier though, so I am sending you support! Your post also reminded me of HALT.... with the "H" being "Am I HORMONAL!" LOL! I know that you know I don't mean any disrespect by that... just comraderie!
Sending you Light & Love,