Hi MIP! I'm just checking in to post a custody question and a quick update on my life. I love reading this board daily, it keeps me grounded and everyone here is so inspiring and following the principles of this program keeps me centred.
I just moved into my new house and life is finally really coming together for me, my life married to my XAH feels like a distant memory, part of that is that he has completely fallen off the face of the planet since he got his share of the money from our old house. It was a huge leap of faith to sell the house and move on my own and I can't believe I'm on the other side. For my ex - I'm not sure if it's the money or if it's a shame spiral thing but he has been total absent since early August, I am pretty sure he has lost his job and he has almost completely disappeared from our life. He doesn't phone our daughter or make any visitation appointments. He doesn't even text with excuses, just radio silence. I finally heard from him last week when he demanded 3 days before Canadian Thanksgiving that I drive back into the city to deliver our daughter to his family event. I said no, that he can't disappear for months and then tell me what to do on holidays with 3 days notice. He was pretty insulting and unpleasant and I ended the convo. The questions I have - he currently has 3 visits a week outlined in our separation agreement (no overnights) - at what point should I consider revising custody? At what point would the courts consider that reasonable?
In other news a friend of ours ran into him on the street - said he looked terrible but that his teeth looked shockingly brown at the front - pretty concerned it could mean he is smoking crack or something, hoping it's just poor personal hygiene but she said it was pretty extreme :(
I'm prepared for Christmas to be the next battlefield - for those of you that have sole physical custody with an active A that only has visitation, how do you split up Christmas? He doesn't have a stable home, he just lives in airbnb rooms at the moment, he also doesn't drive.
Also, if anyone is looking for a great book to read, I really recommend Brene Brown's book "Braving the Wilderness" - for me it connected to so many painful parts of being in an alcoholic marriage and breaking away - one being the powerful sense of isolation I felt - I had a facade that I was stuck behind, and also a lot of denial that prevented me from living an honest life from a place of authenticity. She had some powerful quotes about anger as well that really stuck out for me - that anger is a powerful catalyst but a life sucking companion. Anger that is never transformed becomes resentment and bitterness. Those two things were so true for me, it's amazing to feel like myself again.
Thanks again for any ESH.
-- Edited by VickiR on Thursday 11th of October 2018 07:44:01 PM
norasq said
Oct 11, 2018
All I can suggest is talk to your lawyer... but keep track of the weeks/times when your X had the right to see your daughter but chose not to.
Skorpi said
Oct 12, 2018
(((VickiR)))
I agree with norasq, keep a calendar or log with when he could visit, when he does, and when he calls or contacts in any way. And, talk to your lawyer. Especially if there is a concern for your daughter's safety during visitations.
I'm so glad to hear that things are coming together for you! Keep coming back.
Bo said
Oct 12, 2018
I'll say this as simply and clearly as I can...SPEAK TO YOUR ATTORNEY!
All the best.
SerenityRUS said
Oct 12, 2018
I am going to come at this a different direction .. there are boards online that can help guide some of your questions (google search is your friend, use common sense) .. get those together and talk to others who have experienced what you have. THEN talk to your attorney because just calling your attorney randomly is expensive and none of us have to pay your bill.
Keep a timeline of visitation meaning .. no contact for 3 months and demands for visitation. What does your parenting agreement say exactly?
I have a 7 year timeline of what transpired with visitation and what hasn't .. if my X tries to go back for more visitation then what will happen then my proof is the long term documentation of him showing up, calling .. no shows and so on .. he has had no physical visitation with the kids since 2015. They are old enough to say not interested.
I have documentation as well that I reached out to him and him refusing to do what is said.
If you want to private message me I can walk you through things and sites that assisted me as I went through it .. I would suggest not spending to much time .. most of the time A's tend to stomp their feet in fits of tantrum .. what you are stating and I'm reading he has no way to go back and fight you. I know I did a LOT of knee jerk and it cost me in the pocket book .. knowing what I know now I would gather information and then wait .. burden of proof at this point is on him .. A's are lazy and I mean that in the sense of what they want first is their fix .. relationships with physical people is secondary. Again my experience with my X .. once we went to court he would back down and off immediately. Sit very contrite in front of the judge and agree to whatever the judge said .. even if he didn't do it .. he agreed.
Big hugs .. this too shall pass and the more informed you are before speaking with your attorney the better off you will be.
S :)
VickiR said
Oct 12, 2018
Hi everyone, I shot my attorney a quick email today - she just said to keep track of everything (which I have been) and we can cross that bridge later on if we need to. I guess I was hoping that someone might have had this same experience firsthand and could let me know what they did. Thanks for the replies.
My XAH being out of the picture has been great for me, it has given me so much peace and I guess it's for the best for our daughter at the moment. Just dreading his antics at Christmas and really trying to think about my boundaries and what I'm prepared to do and not do, I am pretty sure he just wants his daughter around to make him look like a normal dad in front of his family.
Thanks for all the extra advice Serenity - you have such great ESH.
SerenityRUS said
Oct 13, 2018
Vicki,
I think I really want to reassure you that when the A's have been so MIA and then pop back in .. it's very unsettling and that's when I know my program work has to kick in and it's uncomfortable. It's new behavior however I badly want to go back to the old stuff. It triggers that feeling of helplessness and past behavior not so much in my X .. however in ME. So remember .. you are NOT the same person you were and I used to think of myself as weak and I realized .. it wasn't me that was weak. My X fully had his own battles to fight.
Christmas is 3 months away give or take on that number and trust me a LOT can change. Yes .. you may be right that he wants to appear the ever doting father .. however the limited stuff you have shared .. gonna say that might fly for 10 min however he's NOT going to want to do it for a whole evening. Again .. I am basing this off MY experience with my X and what was going on that the kids interfered with what he wanted to do .. which was use/drink/have sex/ whatever it was .. it was interfering with his current fix. I couldn't get my X to focus for 30 seconds forget about 3 months and when he did take the kids he was back before he needed to be .. because he would say it was MY fault he had to bring them back early .. no .. I was not usually home as that was my "free" time. When I knew the active stuff was playing out the way it was .. I made a judgment call KNOWING my X wanted it that way. After all I was the responsible parent .. lol. My X also knew I would NOT play with him if he hurt or put the kids in danger .. he knew he would go to jail .. he knew I was coming for him .. I still feel that way however I am learning to let it go as they don't have that constant contact.
Until it comes ... it's ALL talk and it makes him feel better in the moment for whatever reason .. I speculate control .. throwing fear out there .. my X was a full on bully during the end of our marriage and felt justified in it all .. maybe he had a point I don't know .. and honestly don't care .. that's so not my issue. When I stomped back he was like a cockroach scurrying from the light .. that's probably why I stomp so hard is I know he will retreat and leave me be.
I look back and there are a lot of things I wish I had just let play out the way they needed to and I would not be labeled the bad guy.
The idea that your X is fit to show up in court ... I don't see it and if he does .. no judge in their right mind is going to look at someone with that physical appearance and say this is a good idea .. the way the laws are written it will be in your favor .. again ... MY opinion. I think your attorney would tend to lean that way. If they were worried or concerned they would have verbalized it to you .. it doesn't sound like that's the conversation you had.
Again ... keep your timeline do what your attorney has suggested .. and just continue doing what you need to do. IF your parenting agreement doesn't state you need to deliver the kids to him .. which mine doesn't .. then ok .. come out and get them. I can lay odds on him actually showing up .. the odds are probably better than the lotto that he won't. Oh he'll talk the talk .. he'll set the time .. he will even set the day .. .however day of .. nope .. not coming.
Don't forget to breathe and know that your HP has got your whole family .. even your X with a plan .. it will be your X's business to figure out what he's doing and how he's going to choose to navigate his relationship with his kiddo. My X has completely checked out to the point he's no longer returning texts to the oldest. I dread what's going to happen with the whole insurance/transition issue as we are moving forward with gender and name change .. it won't happen tomorrow .. however probably mid next year .. soooo that will be a whole lot of fun.
Big hugs .. S :)
VickiR said
Oct 16, 2018
Serenity I totally agree, the threat of him popping back in makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed and very thankful for this program to stop myself spinning. He knows how to push my buttons and I'm doing better at not reacting and just stepping away. It's so nice to have a place where I can vent about this stuff. And he can spend so much energy texting me and harassing me about why we need to try again, and all this other stuff but he never even phones our daughter. The only positive is that the gaps of time are getting wider. He sounds much more frantic now, it's painful to hear him on the phone, I spoke to him for the first time in a long time yesterday - because of the moving bill.
He hasn't paid his moving/storage bill which is legally my responsibility if he doesn't pay it, and he has been dragging it out for ages being difficult and abusive to the moving staff and acting like everyone is bent out of shape over nothing. And he acts like he doesn't understand why people are frustrated, "he's getting to it" - they moved his stuff in JULY. I am almost through the the last of the strings between us, but each one is a battle to cut.
He went right back into harassing me about reconciling as well, which I hate. I find it hard because I have little to no feelings for him at this point so it really repels me, I wish he would just disappear, being around him is pretty unbearable for me, but obviously if he is to get clean and be a devoted father I will have to tolerate him in my life. I feel badly sometimes that I wish he would go away. Thanks for all the helpful responses. This board is amazing.
Hi MIP! I'm just checking in to post a custody question and a quick update on my life. I love reading this board daily, it keeps me grounded and everyone here is so inspiring and following the principles of this program keeps me centred.
I just moved into my new house and life is finally really coming together for me, my life married to my XAH feels like a distant memory, part of that is that he has completely fallen off the face of the planet since he got his share of the money from our old house. It was a huge leap of faith to sell the house and move on my own and I can't believe I'm on the other side. For my ex - I'm not sure if it's the money or if it's a shame spiral thing but he has been total absent since early August, I am pretty sure he has lost his job and he has almost completely disappeared from our life. He doesn't phone our daughter or make any visitation appointments. He doesn't even text with excuses, just radio silence. I finally heard from him last week when he demanded 3 days before Canadian Thanksgiving that I drive back into the city to deliver our daughter to his family event. I said no, that he can't disappear for months and then tell me what to do on holidays with 3 days notice. He was pretty insulting and unpleasant and I ended the convo. The questions I have - he currently has 3 visits a week outlined in our separation agreement (no overnights) - at what point should I consider revising custody? At what point would the courts consider that reasonable?
In other news a friend of ours ran into him on the street - said he looked terrible but that his teeth looked shockingly brown at the front - pretty concerned it could mean he is smoking crack or something, hoping it's just poor personal hygiene but she said it was pretty extreme :(
I'm prepared for Christmas to be the next battlefield - for those of you that have sole physical custody with an active A that only has visitation, how do you split up Christmas? He doesn't have a stable home, he just lives in airbnb rooms at the moment, he also doesn't drive.
Also, if anyone is looking for a great book to read, I really recommend Brene Brown's book "Braving the Wilderness" - for me it connected to so many painful parts of being in an alcoholic marriage and breaking away - one being the powerful sense of isolation I felt - I had a facade that I was stuck behind, and also a lot of denial that prevented me from living an honest life from a place of authenticity. She had some powerful quotes about anger as well that really stuck out for me - that anger is a powerful catalyst but a life sucking companion. Anger that is never transformed becomes resentment and bitterness. Those two things were so true for me, it's amazing to feel like myself again.
Thanks again for any ESH.
-- Edited by VickiR on Thursday 11th of October 2018 07:44:01 PM
I agree with norasq, keep a calendar or log with when he could visit, when he does, and when he calls or contacts in any way. And, talk to your lawyer. Especially if there is a concern for your daughter's safety during visitations.
I'm so glad to hear that things are coming together for you! Keep coming back.
All the best.
Keep a timeline of visitation meaning .. no contact for 3 months and demands for visitation. What does your parenting agreement say exactly?
I have a 7 year timeline of what transpired with visitation and what hasn't .. if my X tries to go back for more visitation then what will happen then my proof is the long term documentation of him showing up, calling .. no shows and so on .. he has had no physical visitation with the kids since 2015. They are old enough to say not interested.
I have documentation as well that I reached out to him and him refusing to do what is said.
If you want to private message me I can walk you through things and sites that assisted me as I went through it .. I would suggest not spending to much time .. most of the time A's tend to stomp their feet in fits of tantrum .. what you are stating and I'm reading he has no way to go back and fight you. I know I did a LOT of knee jerk and it cost me in the pocket book .. knowing what I know now I would gather information and then wait .. burden of proof at this point is on him .. A's are lazy and I mean that in the sense of what they want first is their fix .. relationships with physical people is secondary. Again my experience with my X .. once we went to court he would back down and off immediately. Sit very contrite in front of the judge and agree to whatever the judge said .. even if he didn't do it .. he agreed.
Big hugs .. this too shall pass and the more informed you are before speaking with your attorney the better off you will be.
S :)
My XAH being out of the picture has been great for me, it has given me so much peace and I guess it's for the best for our daughter at the moment. Just dreading his antics at Christmas and really trying to think about my boundaries and what I'm prepared to do and not do, I am pretty sure he just wants his daughter around to make him look like a normal dad in front of his family.
Thanks for all the extra advice Serenity - you have such great ESH.
I think I really want to reassure you that when the A's have been so MIA and then pop back in .. it's very unsettling and that's when I know my program work has to kick in and it's uncomfortable. It's new behavior however I badly want to go back to the old stuff. It triggers that feeling of helplessness and past behavior not so much in my X .. however in ME. So remember .. you are NOT the same person you were and I used to think of myself as weak and I realized .. it wasn't me that was weak. My X fully had his own battles to fight.
Christmas is 3 months away give or take on that number and trust me a LOT can change. Yes .. you may be right that he wants to appear the ever doting father .. however the limited stuff you have shared .. gonna say that might fly for 10 min however he's NOT going to want to do it for a whole evening. Again .. I am basing this off MY experience with my X and what was going on that the kids interfered with what he wanted to do .. which was use/drink/have sex/ whatever it was .. it was interfering with his current fix. I couldn't get my X to focus for 30 seconds forget about 3 months and when he did take the kids he was back before he needed to be .. because he would say it was MY fault he had to bring them back early .. no .. I was not usually home as that was my "free" time. When I knew the active stuff was playing out the way it was .. I made a judgment call KNOWING my X wanted it that way. After all I was the responsible parent .. lol. My X also knew I would NOT play with him if he hurt or put the kids in danger .. he knew he would go to jail .. he knew I was coming for him .. I still feel that way however I am learning to let it go as they don't have that constant contact.
Until it comes ... it's ALL talk and it makes him feel better in the moment for whatever reason .. I speculate control .. throwing fear out there .. my X was a full on bully during the end of our marriage and felt justified in it all .. maybe he had a point I don't know .. and honestly don't care .. that's so not my issue. When I stomped back he was like a cockroach scurrying from the light .. that's probably why I stomp so hard is I know he will retreat and leave me be.
I look back and there are a lot of things I wish I had just let play out the way they needed to and I would not be labeled the bad guy.
The idea that your X is fit to show up in court ... I don't see it and if he does .. no judge in their right mind is going to look at someone with that physical appearance and say this is a good idea .. the way the laws are written it will be in your favor .. again ... MY opinion. I think your attorney would tend to lean that way. If they were worried or concerned they would have verbalized it to you .. it doesn't sound like that's the conversation you had.
Again ... keep your timeline do what your attorney has suggested .. and just continue doing what you need to do. IF your parenting agreement doesn't state you need to deliver the kids to him .. which mine doesn't .. then ok .. come out and get them. I can lay odds on him actually showing up .. the odds are probably better than the lotto that he won't. Oh he'll talk the talk .. he'll set the time .. he will even set the day .. .however day of .. nope .. not coming.
Don't forget to breathe and know that your HP has got your whole family .. even your X with a plan .. it will be your X's business to figure out what he's doing and how he's going to choose to navigate his relationship with his kiddo. My X has completely checked out to the point he's no longer returning texts to the oldest. I dread what's going to happen with the whole insurance/transition issue as we are moving forward with gender and name change .. it won't happen tomorrow .. however probably mid next year .. soooo that will be a whole lot of fun.
Big hugs .. S :)
Serenity I totally agree, the threat of him popping back in makes me feel anxious and overwhelmed and very thankful for this program to stop myself spinning. He knows how to push my buttons and I'm doing better at not reacting and just stepping away. It's so nice to have a place where I can vent about this stuff. And he can spend so much energy texting me and harassing me about why we need to try again, and all this other stuff but he never even phones our daughter. The only positive is that the gaps of time are getting wider. He sounds much more frantic now, it's painful to hear him on the phone, I spoke to him for the first time in a long time yesterday - because of the moving bill.
He hasn't paid his moving/storage bill which is legally my responsibility if he doesn't pay it, and he has been dragging it out for ages being difficult and abusive to the moving staff and acting like everyone is bent out of shape over nothing. And he acts like he doesn't understand why people are frustrated, "he's getting to it" - they moved his stuff in JULY. I am almost through the the last of the strings between us, but each one is a battle to cut.
He went right back into harassing me about reconciling as well, which I hate. I find it hard because I have little to no feelings for him at this point so it really repels me, I wish he would just disappear, being around him is pretty unbearable for me, but obviously if he is to get clean and be a devoted father I will have to tolerate him in my life. I feel badly sometimes that I wish he would go away. Thanks for all the helpful responses. This board is amazing.