Reading posts recently about whether or not our actions are enabling - reminded me of an old post of mine, with some awesome reminders from one of the leaders in the field - Toby Rice Drews (author of the Getting Them Sober series of books). She has an awesome, gentle, supportive way of saying so much - I hope this can help.....
I don't like "labels", for us, or others, as it tends to lump too many people/personalities/circumstances as one.... Two of the really common ones that we see on this board, mostly calling ourselves, are "enablers" and/or "codependents". I copied the below note, with permission, from Toby Rice Drews - regarding the dangers and potential negativity that comes with the label of "enablers". Hope this is helpful. I prefer to think of things in the vein of: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time."
Take care Tom
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are enablers, it leads them to stop the enabling."
Enabling is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he cant stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he cleans up the alcoholics messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alcoholic doesnt suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detachment cant be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing got them drunk. In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, I wouldnt have gone out that time if I hadnt been enabled!
The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment. For, detachment will help end your fears and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
Iamhere said
Oct 2, 2018
Thanks Tom for the great share....I have never been fond of labels - I believe it's another opportunity to focus beyond what I can change/control - me. I tend to excuse behavior when I label myself and judge others when I label 'them' - so I just stopped that practice many years back. I actually shudder when every day people call others narcissistic or worse (diagnosed terms)...I am a huge believer that we're all perfectly imperfect and have no right to judge or label ourselves or others.
I have some of Toby's books - good reads for various stages of my life/recovery. It may sound extremely insane, but I am so grateful I had first hand experience with alcoholism before I qualified for Al-Anon. I do believe my HP knew the exact path I needed to be on to have the life I have, and while the pain has been unbearable at times, I am truly grateful today for what is vs. what I thought it should be.
(((Hugs)))
el-cee said
Oct 3, 2018
Thank you Tom, I like this very much. I have another view on labels. I found freedom in labels at first. When my life was chaotic and deeply effected by alcoholism I was swirling around in confusion. Coming into Alanon I got a few labels that really helped me understand. The very label alcoholic was the first one that gave me hope. I needed to know what was wrong in my family and it allowed me to accept alcoholism as a disease that had effected my family and that I could begin recovering.
As a Mother who enabled - rescued, fixed was terrified of watching the consequences that my son needed - I needed a clear simple term that described my behaviour, It is harsh to learn this but it drove me to face my part in my sons journey, some things are just true for me. I need the harshness sometimes to move me towards change. In saying that I totally see where your post is coming from and yes the words and language have very subtle or blatant at times impacts.
For me - yes I was my sons enabler - through fear, my fears, no I didn't make him drink but my fears having such power to drive my rescuing and fixing was hurting my son. I had to know this and understand this before I could open my mind to looking at my own motives for each and every time I 'helped' Things got so much better for me and my family through detaching little by little from my son. Accepting my humanness and that having the label 'Mother' can meeting letting Go and letting God and Mothers are not their childrens Gods. Huge awareness for me.
hotrod said
Oct 3, 2018
Great share Tom Thanks
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 3, 2018
Great share, Tom!
Throughout my journey, I have never really "fit" the codependent profile... I had some traits, but not others...so I didn't like the label. While I understand the need for labels (mostly), I have seen first hand in my Kid's school system where labels have positive (you are labeled? Great! Here is the help and resources you need)
and negative (You are labeled? OK, this program is for you & only this program, & you can never break free from it, nor can we see that there could be coinciding tangents for you to embrace).
What I have embraced though, is that through my FEAR, I became a huge "manager" of my child. It took me awhile, each year backing off more and more, until finally I have embraced that my Kid needs to feel the ramifications of his actions... and he is NOT my qualifier! I am now very aware that I "managed" my child, b/c I could not manage my qualifier!! Nor could I embrace ACCEPTANCE that I couldn't manage/control my qualifier (Ex).
So yeah, this program can go way beyond helping you with an addicted loved one! I feel this thread is great for the "newbie!"
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 3rd of October 2018 09:47:11 AM
a4l said
Oct 4, 2018
When I first came to learn of alcoholism as a family disease, it was helpful for me to learn the difference between "enabling" and being "nice". Great stock was placed on being "nice" as a disguise for justification and denial in my FOO and as the generations wore down, niceness was often a form of enabling. It was " nice" to give money to delinquent unworking teenagers who were cutting school. It was "nice" to take over someone else's responsibilities, usually without asking. It was "nice" to be a martyr essentially. I am grateful to have learned to spot the enabling of dysfunction in my own familial dynamics and can usually spot it in others'. In terms of parent/child, I know myself enough to know I will never enable through being "nice", but if it is enabling to pull my kid out of all the scenes I found myself in as a young person, I would without doubt until it breaks me even if I intellectually know better. I see myself doing it now even at their young ages if there is ever anything that remotely reminds me of my childhood. I try to remind myself that recovery isn't the place to exercise my moral judgements by labelling others. Of course I do it sometimes but try to catch myself and correct it when it happens. My creator will show up with creators explanations when the time is right if I just allow myself to "chill out" on the details. Thanks for the thread!
Bo said
Oct 4, 2018
Very good post, thanks. If I am talking to my sponsor, about a specific incident, in detail, and we both know what I did, my role, my contribution -- the label in that the respect is meaningless. I don't care if I call it a mailbox. I know -- and need to know -- my role, my unhealthy behavior, etc. -- so that I can stop doing it and get better. That's getting healthy, that's me doing the work, and getting better. It works if you work it. That has meaning to me. It means I have work it -- do something, do work.
For a long time, I heard over and over again, the traditional, generic definition of enabling -- doing something for someone that they could do for themselves. Early on, pre-recovery, I was guilty of that. As I started on recovery, I was rarely guilty of that. However, I still enabled -- just not in that traditional, generic definition. I still enabled, vis a vis contributed and perpetuated. My contribution, my behavior, perpetuated some of what was going on -- the dynamic, the confrontations, the hostility, the arguing, and so on.
I've learned that recovery is fluid, it takes place across a spectrum of time and circumstances. It is multi-dimensional, multi-faceted. However, that doesn't mean it has to be complicated. Keep it simple. Justification, rationalization, excuses, writing scripts, stories, and so forth -- is simple denial. Anyone can come up with "reasons" -- and make them valid -- to keep doing what they want to do. And each person will, hopefully, figure it out on their own, in their own time, at their own pace, and perhaps in their own way. For me, I don't care if I was enabling, rescuing, trying to help, whatever. I said I was doing to make the other people feel better. BS!!! I was doing so that I could feel better!!! Sure, accolades, seeking love, affirmation, attention, etc., yes, I was yearning for that from the other person. But I was doing it to make me feel better! And, after I did whatever it was -- if I did feel better -- it was for a brief, fleeting moment. AND THEN I'D FEEL WORSE!!! Because of a variety of things. I would feel worse!
If labeling works for you, when you are the subject, the recipient of the label, so be it. If the label is of someone else, check your motives. If it's being judgmental, well, that is about YOU. Up to you what you do about it.
Again, very good post, thanks.
Pol said
Oct 5, 2018
This is really informational.
Back in the day I was really codependent on my mom and in order to break the cycle, I had to get away. It taught me a lot about enabling as well, because I would be the one trying to cover for her. That being said...being around those who are enabling now, making me really uncomfortable. I see what they are going through and how its messing with their life. I want to so badly help them but I always refrain because its a problem they have to address on their own. Most of the time I notice that they aren't able to because they don't really want to. Sad but true :(
Reading posts recently about whether or not our actions are enabling - reminded me of an old post of mine, with some awesome reminders from one of the leaders in the field - Toby Rice Drews (author of the Getting Them Sober series of books). She has an awesome, gentle, supportive way of saying so much - I hope this can help.....
I don't like "labels", for us, or others, as it tends to lump too many people/personalities/circumstances as one.... Two of the really common ones that we see on this board, mostly calling ourselves, are "enablers" and/or "codependents". I copied the below note, with permission, from Toby Rice Drews - regarding the dangers and potential negativity that comes with the label of "enablers". Hope this is helpful. I prefer to think of things in the vein of: "I did the best I could, with what I knew at the time."
Take care
Tom
"Myth #6: When parents are told they are enablers, it leads them to stop the enabling."
Enabling is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he cant stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he cleans up the alcoholics messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alcoholic doesnt suffer the real consequences of his behavior.
A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detachment cant be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.
When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.
More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.
Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing got them drunk. In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, I wouldnt have gone out that time if I hadnt been enabled!
The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment. For, detachment will help end your fears and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.
I have some of Toby's books - good reads for various stages of my life/recovery. It may sound extremely insane, but I am so grateful I had first hand experience with alcoholism before I qualified for Al-Anon. I do believe my HP knew the exact path I needed to be on to have the life I have, and while the pain has been unbearable at times, I am truly grateful today for what is vs. what I thought it should be.
(((Hugs)))
As a Mother who enabled - rescued, fixed was terrified of watching the consequences that my son needed - I needed a clear simple term that described my behaviour, It is harsh to learn this but it drove me to face my part in my sons journey, some things are just true for me. I need the harshness sometimes to move me towards change. In saying that I totally see where your post is coming from and yes the words and language have very subtle or blatant at times impacts.
For me - yes I was my sons enabler - through fear, my fears, no I didn't make him drink but my fears having such power to drive my rescuing and fixing was hurting my son. I had to know this and understand this before I could open my mind to looking at my own motives for each and every time I 'helped' Things got so much better for me and my family through detaching little by little from my son. Accepting my humanness and that having the label 'Mother' can meeting letting Go and letting God and Mothers are not their childrens Gods. Huge awareness for me.
Great share, Tom!
Throughout my journey, I have never really "fit" the codependent profile... I had some traits, but not others...so I didn't like the label. While I understand the need for labels (mostly), I have seen first hand in my Kid's school system where labels have positive (you are labeled? Great! Here is the help and resources you need)
and negative (You are labeled? OK, this program is for you & only this program, & you can never break free from it, nor can we see that there could be coinciding tangents for you to embrace).
What I have embraced though, is that through my FEAR, I became a huge "manager" of my child. It took me awhile, each year backing off more and more, until finally I have embraced that my Kid needs to feel the ramifications of his actions... and he is NOT my qualifier! I am now very aware that I "managed" my child, b/c I could not manage my qualifier!! Nor could I embrace ACCEPTANCE that I couldn't manage/control my qualifier (Ex).
So yeah, this program can go way beyond helping you with an addicted loved one! I feel this thread is great for the "newbie!"
-- Edited by PosiesandPuppies on Wednesday 3rd of October 2018 09:47:11 AM
When I first came to learn of alcoholism as a family disease, it was helpful for me to learn the difference between "enabling" and being "nice". Great stock was placed on being "nice" as a disguise for justification and denial in my FOO and as the generations wore down, niceness was often a form of enabling. It was " nice" to give money to delinquent unworking teenagers who were cutting school. It was "nice" to take over someone else's responsibilities, usually without asking. It was "nice" to be a martyr essentially. I am grateful to have learned to spot the enabling of dysfunction in my own familial dynamics and can usually spot it in others'. In terms of parent/child, I know myself enough to know I will never enable through being "nice", but if it is enabling to pull my kid out of all the scenes I found myself in as a young person, I would without doubt until it breaks me even if I intellectually know better. I see myself doing it now even at their young ages if there is ever anything that remotely reminds me of my childhood. I try to remind myself that recovery isn't the place to exercise my moral judgements by labelling others. Of course I do it sometimes but try to catch myself and correct it when it happens. My creator will show up with creators explanations when the time is right if I just allow myself to "chill out" on the details. Thanks for the thread!
For a long time, I heard over and over again, the traditional, generic definition of enabling -- doing something for someone that they could do for themselves. Early on, pre-recovery, I was guilty of that. As I started on recovery, I was rarely guilty of that. However, I still enabled -- just not in that traditional, generic definition. I still enabled, vis a vis contributed and perpetuated. My contribution, my behavior, perpetuated some of what was going on -- the dynamic, the confrontations, the hostility, the arguing, and so on.
I've learned that recovery is fluid, it takes place across a spectrum of time and circumstances. It is multi-dimensional, multi-faceted. However, that doesn't mean it has to be complicated. Keep it simple. Justification, rationalization, excuses, writing scripts, stories, and so forth -- is simple denial. Anyone can come up with "reasons" -- and make them valid -- to keep doing what they want to do. And each person will, hopefully, figure it out on their own, in their own time, at their own pace, and perhaps in their own way. For me, I don't care if I was enabling, rescuing, trying to help, whatever. I said I was doing to make the other people feel better. BS!!! I was doing so that I could feel better!!! Sure, accolades, seeking love, affirmation, attention, etc., yes, I was yearning for that from the other person. But I was doing it to make me feel better! And, after I did whatever it was -- if I did feel better -- it was for a brief, fleeting moment. AND THEN I'D FEEL WORSE!!! Because of a variety of things. I would feel worse!
If labeling works for you, when you are the subject, the recipient of the label, so be it. If the label is of someone else, check your motives. If it's being judgmental, well, that is about YOU. Up to you what you do about it.
Again, very good post, thanks.
Back in the day I was really codependent on my mom and in order to break the cycle, I had to get away. It taught me a lot about enabling as well, because I would be the one trying to cover for her. That being said...being around those who are enabling now, making me really uncomfortable. I see what they are going through and how its messing with their life. I want to so badly help them but I always refrain because its a problem they have to address on their own. Most of the time I notice that they aren't able to because they don't really want to. Sad but true :(