Some recent threads started me thinking -- when denial breaks, recovery and getting better, and gratitude -- made me think about all of these things. This Sunday is the anniversary of the death of a very good friend. While I met him "in the rooms" and some people here may not appreciate or relate to that, he became a close, close friend...period. He wasn't an alanon friend, or a "friend from the community" or anything of the like. He had been under a great deal of stress, anxiety, angst, and who knows what else due to his wife's drinking. Every single day was a plight, with the fall-out, the turmoil, whatever else her drinking caused. Yet he went to meetings religiously, threw himself into the program, and worked it. Many people say they do, but he really did. He lived it. He made all the right program moves -- detachment, not enabling, boundaries, meetings, being of service, living his life the right way, being there for his children, protecting them, making sure they had one sane parent, and so on.
One meeting he showed up, looking very tired. He was tired, but stressed out. He did the next right thing in front of him. He had been dealing with a wife who was verbally abusive, belligerent, fine when she was sober, but difficult when she was drinking. This was his life. He went home from the meeting, relaxed on the couch, closed his eyes...and never woke up. The death certificate can say "heart attack" and the hospital can say massive, coronary incident, etc. -- but it was the stress, collateral, and direct damage of this disease that caused his death.
That said, I thought about him today. I thought about denial. Denial may break -- but it is OUR denial. Our head in the sand. Our problem. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Until then...it is on us. Alanon is about us. People make progress at their own pace. People learn, and exit denial -- if that's what you want to call it -- at their own pace. But, until then, it's on us. The irony of someone smoking their entire life, getting lung cancer, and suing the tobacco company. Sure, there's more to it than that -- but that is still there.
So, thinking about my friend made me think of my own recovery. But before recovery what happens? What has to occur? My experience, and my perspective comes from a place of tremendous and intense focus, clarity and resolution -- resolution for me. Whatever it is, no matter how small, that stands in the way of me getting better, getting healthy, whatever it is -- that is a distraction. It is an obstacle to my health and well-being. It could be denial, analysis, cutting bait (not fishing), stories, me writing scripts, whatever. Whatever it is -- it is not me getting better.
Perhaps the reason why I am this way, is because when I was at my rock bottom -- after what happened to me, getting better, making the paint stop, getting out of the abyss I was in -- was not just THE most important thing in the world. It was THE ONLY thing in the world. Because, if it wasn't...I would have died.. I don't mean figuratively. I mean literally. You see, my experience with people and rock bottom -- sometime, when rock bottom real rock bottom happens -- it isn't some ah-ha moment. It isn't the moment where you just say enough, and decide to get better. It isn't some glorious epiphany and you decide to get better. Did that happen with Robin Williams? Does it happen to everyone? You see, there is also something else, another possibility -- just as big -- that is right beside the getting better path.
When you are at real rock bottom, you are broken. You are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. You have and are at zero. There is nothing. For some, there is no reason to live. For some, they don't want to. For some, they can't. At that moment you have a choice. You either say enough, no more, and you decide to get better, get healthy, etc. -- and getting better, getting better becomes THE most important thing and THE ONLY thing in the world...or...you decide to just give up. You decide it, and you, are just too far gone. It's not worth fighting to get better, get healthy. You just don't have enough fight in you anymore to even care. And you give up. You feel completely hopeless. Completely helpless. And you don't see the pain ending.
That's the point where I was. My health was failing. I was in and out of the hospital several times. I was mentally and emotionally drained, to zero, empty, with nothing left inside. I was emotionally bankrupt. My spirit, my will, had died. I wanted to give up. Now, I would never contemplate or attempt suicide. I couldn't do that. It's not in my nature, DNA, fabric, of who I am. However, on this one night, this was my rock bottom. It's not just some phrase we hear. It is a moment that can define who you are, and define and shape the rest of your life. It was this one night. This was it. And...it was over. On this one night, I spoke to God...and I told Him that I would be perfectly OK if I didn't wake up in the morning. I told him I had had enough. I told him I couldn't go on.
I was ready to pass out from sheer exhaustion as I hadn't had a normal, decent, healthy night sleep in many months. However, right there, right before I passed out...something happened. There was this brief, but intense moment of clarity. It was intense, with a focused inflection into my head and into my thoughts. And two things came to me -- as clear as anything I have ever experienced or that has ever happened to me. I will only speak about one of those things -- and that one thing was, NO...This is not how it's going to do down. NO. Not today. Not at this moment. NO. This is not going to end now, not this way. Get up! Get up, and fight. One more time. One more effort. One more round. And I did. I got up, out of my bed, at 4am, and I took a shower. I shaved, I got my clothes out for the morning...the first time I had done that in months. I set my alarm, why I don't know. I got dressed, early, and started my recovery. Right there. At that moment.
And I never looked back. I never let anything stand in my way. Nothing. I never let anything distract me, and whatever else that stood in my way, was an obstacle to my health and well-being. Analysis ad nauseum, denial, justification, stories, excuses, vacillation, all of those things -- all of them were something and whatever that something was it wasn't me getting better. It was something else...not me getting better. I worked on my recovery, all the time.. Not just when I was in crisis. Not some time, not part time. All the time. And all the other stuff was complacency -- yes, complacency. It was fallacious nonsense which would deprive me of getting one more moment, one more step ahead, one more piece of progress, even if intangible, one more step closer to me getting better.
I didn't do 90 in 90. I did 180 in 90! Actually, I did more because there were 2 days a week I went to 3 meetings. I put every single meeting in the county, and the county next to me, in my calendar. I made sure they were there. Because when I looked at them, and saw them -- they were comforting because I knew that's where my recovery was -- in meetings!!! And in doing the work I had to do outside the meetings. You see, that's where the work takes place in my opinion. Not sitting in a meeting, or typing on a BB. It takes place, when in action, when in power and empowered, when making change...when stopping doing the unhealthy things, and starting to do the healthy things...change...not doing what I always or used to do. Doing better. Getting better.
I kept going and going, working and working. I scratched, clawed, begged, pleaded, crawled, whatever it took...to get better. I kept doing whatever it took. Until I got there. And then, I got better. I got healthy. I found peace. I found serenity. I found an incredible, wonderful life...one which I never, ever could have dreamed of...not that night I told God I'd be OK if I didn't wake up in the morning.
So, perhaps when I see stuff that stands in the way so to speak, of getting better, I see it and I speak to it. I meet it head on. I run towards the roar!!! I walk right up to the lion and stick my head right in the lion's mouth...because I am no longer afraid. Because I have a lot of fight left in me. I do not give up. So, I guess, when I see it -- I see it and it scares me. I see it and it makes me remember. I see it and I say NO. Not this time. No more. It makes me remember where I cannot go.
So, I give back. It's tell it like it is I guess. I guess on one hand its' take what you like and leave the rest -- which is one of the principles of the alanon program. On the other, it's knowing where it comes from.
So what does all this mean? I don't know, take what you like and leave the rest. If there is zero to like then you take nothing, LOL. What I've learned...remember...this is about YOU. This is a program to get better, to get healthy. Each in their own time. Little by slowly. It can be as slow and long as you want, or as fast and quick as you want. But it's there. I say go get it. But that's just me.
Freetime said
Sep 28, 2018
Bo, thank you for this powerful share. I am sorry for the loss of your friend. I am impressed with your dedication to recovery in Al-Anon.
I agree with what you said about the importance of meetings -- and of the work outside the meeting. To me, meetings are like going to a lecture in a college course. We listen to the professor (in Al-Anon there are several/many professors in the room), we do some underlining in the textbook, take notes, maybe we give a presentation on work we have done, maybe chat with classmates for a few minutes after class, and then go home.
But that alone will not allow us to pass the course. There is homework: studying, reading, writing, and practicing the skills. If we really want the best grade we can get, we find a tutor (sponsor). If we faithfully go to class AND do the homework, we will be ready for the test.
Unfortunately, in the Al-Anon world, we don't get a course outline that tells us when the test is going to be. There might be tests every day in our lives, or maybe there is only one test every few months. If we keep going to class and doing the homework, we have the best chance to be ready for the test whenever it occurs. Our grade on the test does not compare us to the other students; it only compares us to our best selves, and only looks for progress, not perfection. (Or maybe it's a non-graded course... I haven't worked out all the details in my metaphor yet.)
I am grateful to all the study buddies who are taking this higher education course with me.
DavidG said
Sep 28, 2018
great share, Bo...
There is no best or better- between F2F and online sharing. Both are great. Both have their place.
But here there is no egg-timer on the table- and boompha... I see the whole 12 steps laid out here in your share... in a deep practical sense.
To move on and mark the passing- is a true sign of maturity... and it is a gift- to all who read.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Bo )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hotrod said
Sep 28, 2018
Great share Bo I too am grateful to program for the tools that helped me face many difficult life challenges with courage, serenity and a little wisdom .
You are correct in your statement that it is outside of the meetings that recovery takes place. __When i put the tools into action and see the results, Gratitude became my norm and denial lifted That is Recovery for me . Glad that you are sharing the journey
serenity47 said
Sep 28, 2018
"Because I am no longer afraid" "I run towards the roar". What a beautiful spot to be in. This does not come about on its own. I recognize that complacency is my enemy. Than you for that powerful share. I feel very inspired by it.
andromeda said
Sep 29, 2018
Like you, Bo, I am such a persistent person that I never give up.....even when walking into a lion's den, lol. I love what you shared. I'm sure we can all relate to it in some ways. I remember hitting that point where I didn't want to go on, where i told God to take my life since I knew I couldn't take my own. I remember weeping on the floor of the shower because the pain had become too much to bear.
I love the saying, "When I got busy, I got got better." I had to actually work program, embrace it, and apply it to ALL aspects of my life. and, when I slack off in my attitude, I know what i need to do to get back to a better place: GO TO A MEETING or call my sponsor (who will then tell me to go to a meeting, lol).
Thank you so much for sharing this!
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 29, 2018
Bo, your share made me tear up. Because I was there... in that spot you described. Not only was I losing everything dear to me, but the stress was fueling my health issues. I was in constant pain - both in body and soul. In the darkest part of the night and my mind, I told God that "I felt I could not go on, and it would be OK if he asked me home that night." I cried myself to sleep.
The next day, 2 things happened. 1. The reading here was all about self-pity... it seems everyone was talking about it in some form! 2. My kid messed up, proving to me that my job of 17 years was not yet at a end!
That night I thanked my HP for showing me that I DID have a purpose, that I was wallowing in self-pity, and I embraced the slogan HOPE - Hang On Pain Ends. From that point forward, I have been working on ME... especially my tendency to think the worst. I began making those Gratitude Lists that Betty is always talking about... small at first... really stupid things at first... but they kept growing!
I work hard at believing Each Day is a New Day... full of endless possibilities!
Bo said
Sep 30, 2018
Freetime wrote:
But that alone will not allow us to pass the course. There is homework: studying, reading, writing, and practicing the skills. If we really want the best grade we can get, we find a tutor (sponsor). If we faithfully go to class AND do the homework, we will be ready for the test.
Agreed completely -- and excellent insight. Thank you.
Bo said
Sep 30, 2018
andromeda wrote:
Like you, Bo, I am such a persistent person that I never give up.....even when walking into a lion's den, lol. I love what you shared. I'm sure we can all relate to it in some ways. I remember hitting that point where I didn't want to go on, where i told God to take my life since I knew I couldn't take my own. I remember weeping on the floor of the shower because the pain had become too much to bear.
I love the saying, "When I got busy, I got got better." I had to actually work program, embrace it, and apply it to ALL aspects of my life. and, when I slack off in my attitude, I know what i need to do to get back to a better place: GO TO A MEETING or call my sponsor (who will then tell me to go to a meeting, lol).
Thank you so much for sharing this!
When I got busy I got better got me through some very dark days. It kept me sane, working and focusing on me. Yes, I too worked the program and applied it to all aspects of my life as well. That's why alanon is a curriculum for living for me. I don't engage, spar, interact, or go back and forth with unhealthy people. Too bad there is not an ignore button here, LOL. For me, I go to meetings often. It keeps me grounded, centered, focused, and living my life in the right way, doing the next right thing in front of me. Even in program, when my path crosses unhealthy people, mean, nasty, whatever it might be...I keep my eyes looking forward, and keep going straight ahead...doing what I am doing, doing what's best for me, what's healthy for me. Thanks.
Bo said
Sep 30, 2018
PosiesandPuppies wrote:
Bo, your share made me tear up. Because I was there... in that spot you described. Not only was I losing everything dear to me, but the stress was fueling my health issues. I was in constant pain - both in body and soul. In the darkest part of the night and my mind, I told God that "I felt I could not go on, and it would be OK if he asked me home that night." I cried myself to sleep.
The next day, 2 things happened. 1. The reading here was all about self-pity... it seems everyone was talking about it in some form! 2. My kid messed up, proving to me that my job of 17 years was not yet at a end! That night I thanked my HP for showing me that I DID have a purpose, that I was wallowing in self-pity, and I embraced the slogan HOPE - Hang On Pain Ends. From that point forward, I have been working on ME... especially my tendency to think the worst. I began making those Gratitude Lists that Betty is always talking about... small at first... really stupid things at first... but they kept growing!
I work hard at believing Each Day is a New Day... full of endless possibilities!
Thank you for sharing this...thank you very much.
mamalioness said
Sep 30, 2018
Bo
Your share was beautiful and open and honest and I could relate to almost every word of it. I am sorry for the death of your friend, and I agree with you that most likely it was stress and other spiritual exhaustion that took his life
I was where you were. I, too, contemplated suicide many times in my life, the last attempt was interrupted by an Al-Anon friend who became a good friend of mine. We had met on a online dating site, and he wanted a little bit more in the relationship than I did but we ended up really good friends. But it was not enough for me to want to live this crap life I was living. So I was on my way out to my vehicle to sit in it and start it up and asphyxiate myself and my pets as I was not Going to leave them homeless and motherless and my friend suspected something was wrong with me. So he got in his car and drove over to my house and literally interrupted me and there was no mistaking he knew what I was getting ready to do. Ill never forget it. It was a cold January night, 2004, and he had a grocery bag full of books and popcorn sitting on top of it for me to cook on the stove for us. The books were all recovery books and recovery workbooks He told me that he would not interrupt my next attempt if, after 30 days, trying the program did not work for me or give me hope that I could be a healthier and happier person. I figured what the heck, 30 days more of this miserable life is not going to be that big of a deal so I made a deal with him. I got into those books and began reading and for the first time in my life, I felt I was not alone, not unique, not a freak , Not some psychotic reject, I was just a very very sick and in pain person who was a victim of child abuse and other abuses caused by dysfunctional an alcoholic people who didnt deserve me.
I went to meetings, face to face, and online, mostly online because I wanted the ACA and codependent meetings in addition to the Al-Anon meetings. And I did sometimes two and three in the same day. I was so desperate to get all this poison this boil that was my life
Drained by sharing the truth and being loved and excepted and hearing the truths of others and knowing that I was not alone and that people could relate to me. I got with everybody who was at the time in my life and I told the non-supporters that I would have to be distancing myself from them maybe temporary maybe permanent, I didnt know, but I explained to them that I was entering recovery And that I needed only supporters and people who would encourage me and love me as I went through this intense recovery. One of them was my biological sister. She shamed and blamed me, telling me that I must have been a needy child to have attracted such evil to me and I told her that yes children are needy of love and nurturing and hugs and support and because I was deprived of all of that, yes I was needy and starving for the things that all children need to survive. I told her this is why I was having to cut her out of my Life, because I needed supporters. I made big changes. There werent very many people left in my life but the ones left, were supporting and encouraging of me as I went through this grinding recovery where the first year of it when I was finally able to cry, it was a devastating yet necessary pain I had to go through to get through it. I had a good sponsor and she and I had similar childhoods and so therefore she was a big help and got me through the worst of it, then sadly, I found out she was sharing my secrets with a mutual friend of ours and sharing her secrets with me. The other girl and I got together and found this out and we both confronted her without being cruel but we did it very program style told her thank you for all the help over the years that you gave to both of us but we are separating from you because you betrayed our confidences
I was pretty proud of both of us in that number one we were not shattered and set back Over this and number two it was just a huge boundary that we set in that we would not accept this kind of toxic behavior. So the lady and I decided to work together as recovery partners and we are still together as of this day. Its amazing the transformation this program has done for me. And I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am grateful I am far away from where I used to be
Thank you for your very open and honest and powerful share. You are so not alone in how you felt in the giving up and not wanting to fight anymore. Sometimes I still have to go into my private closet and scream and cry and get the feelings out when life feels overwhelming, but now I work my program and reach out to loving others and I get back on my feet. I, too, have learned how to kiss my fears and invite them with me when I need to do something of which I am afraid. I probably will always be sort of fear-based but I do not have to let it run and destroy my life and I am not. There are pieces of me that I may never completely be able to put back together, but I can make a livable life for myself when I work my program every day and share and care with others every day and work the steps and the slogans My life does not have to be a pile of crap. Program does not insulate me against bad things or unwanted changes from happening, but program does show me how to best deal with the challenges that come up. I have learned that even when I am totally powerless, I still have options if I get quiet, after I feel my feelings, and just listen after I step back from the issue, feel the feelings, then come back to it, there is always at least one option I can do even if it means just walking away
Again, thank you for your very powerful share
Bo said
Sep 30, 2018
You are very welcome Rose...and thank you so very much. You are one of the people who walk right up to the mirror and look, long, hard, openly, and honestly -- and you do the work necessary, to better yourself, to get better, healthy, and because of that, today, you life the life you want. The life one wants is out there, right there...so go out and get it!
Thanks again Rose. Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners. You want to be a contender...not a pretender!
Maresie said
Sep 30, 2018
What a great share. I was certainly motivated to recover. What I found difficult was trusting others. Learning how to trust is still a big part of my recovery
Bo said
Sep 30, 2018
What you will learn Maresie is that you can and should learn...to trust yourself. You will never be able to trust others UNTIL you trust yourself. This is a perfect example of alanon being about YOU.
Start with the people in the rooms. Start with your sponsor. The program was designed to start with US, and then a sponsor. That is where trust can begin.
mamalioness said
Sep 30, 2018
Thank you, Bo...and yes, I agree....love and trust begin within me first...."love is an inside job" is true...I am starting to trust me, got a ways to go, but its better....I had a sponsor betray me..a sponsor I loved and who helped me big time, so the hurt was even worse because we got so close..(she shared my secrets with another of her sponsees and her secrets with me, not knowing that WE were friends and we just happened to compare notes, etc) anyway, its very hard for me to trust others...very hard....I am working on trusting ME...do that first.....then long term friends /family who have proven themselves to me and recovery partners with whom I share intimacy...But yea, I could not agree with you more...I MUST trust me first...trust me that I can now pick safe others to share with...trust me that I will see the human toxins and avoid them...trust my instincts....I'm progressing....I am not where I want to be, but I am also a BIG distance from where I used to be...........
Bo said
Oct 1, 2018
Remember Rose, what happened with your sponsor is not an indictment of the sponsorship aspect of alanon. It is not an indictment of sponsorship. It is an indictment of the specific person!
Even here, set aside the mental illness aspect (depression, bipolar, etc.), amongst people who are "in program" and "in recovery" -- albeit at varying stages -- people are quick to blame, label, judge, criticize, and begrudge others. And more.
You however, look at you. Your role, your contribution. Even here, what are you working on -- YOU!!! You first. Those are your words, not mine. Great job Rose.
Even when I was at my bottom -- that night -- I was so far beyond blame, pointing fingers, her fault, and so on. While I was too empty and didn't have any strength to point to anyone else...even then, all I did was look at me! I was always that way. I think that's why I found recovery and "get it" so well...because I am used to looking at me, my role, my contribution, my part.
Thanks again Rose, thank you for your insight and perspective. I so much admire and respect how far you've come in your recovery, and I admire and respect your program and how you work it.
Some recent threads started me thinking -- when denial breaks, recovery and getting better, and gratitude -- made me think about all of these things. This Sunday is the anniversary of the death of a very good friend. While I met him "in the rooms" and some people here may not appreciate or relate to that, he became a close, close friend...period. He wasn't an alanon friend, or a "friend from the community" or anything of the like. He had been under a great deal of stress, anxiety, angst, and who knows what else due to his wife's drinking. Every single day was a plight, with the fall-out, the turmoil, whatever else her drinking caused. Yet he went to meetings religiously, threw himself into the program, and worked it. Many people say they do, but he really did. He lived it. He made all the right program moves -- detachment, not enabling, boundaries, meetings, being of service, living his life the right way, being there for his children, protecting them, making sure they had one sane parent, and so on.
One meeting he showed up, looking very tired. He was tired, but stressed out. He did the next right thing in front of him. He had been dealing with a wife who was verbally abusive, belligerent, fine when she was sober, but difficult when she was drinking. This was his life. He went home from the meeting, relaxed on the couch, closed his eyes...and never woke up. The death certificate can say "heart attack" and the hospital can say massive, coronary incident, etc. -- but it was the stress, collateral, and direct damage of this disease that caused his death.
That said, I thought about him today. I thought about denial. Denial may break -- but it is OUR denial. Our head in the sand. Our problem. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. Until then...it is on us. Alanon is about us. People make progress at their own pace. People learn, and exit denial -- if that's what you want to call it -- at their own pace. But, until then, it's on us. The irony of someone smoking their entire life, getting lung cancer, and suing the tobacco company. Sure, there's more to it than that -- but that is still there.
So, thinking about my friend made me think of my own recovery. But before recovery what happens? What has to occur? My experience, and my perspective comes from a place of tremendous and intense focus, clarity and resolution -- resolution for me. Whatever it is, no matter how small, that stands in the way of me getting better, getting healthy, whatever it is -- that is a distraction. It is an obstacle to my health and well-being. It could be denial, analysis, cutting bait (not fishing), stories, me writing scripts, whatever. Whatever it is -- it is not me getting better.
Perhaps the reason why I am this way, is because when I was at my rock bottom -- after what happened to me, getting better, making the paint stop, getting out of the abyss I was in -- was not just THE most important thing in the world. It was THE ONLY thing in the world. Because, if it wasn't...I would have died.. I don't mean figuratively. I mean literally. You see, my experience with people and rock bottom -- sometime, when rock bottom real rock bottom happens -- it isn't some ah-ha moment. It isn't the moment where you just say enough, and decide to get better. It isn't some glorious epiphany and you decide to get better. Did that happen with Robin Williams? Does it happen to everyone? You see, there is also something else, another possibility -- just as big -- that is right beside the getting better path.
When you are at real rock bottom, you are broken. You are emotionally and spiritually bankrupt. You have and are at zero. There is nothing. For some, there is no reason to live. For some, they don't want to. For some, they can't. At that moment you have a choice. You either say enough, no more, and you decide to get better, get healthy, etc. -- and getting better, getting better becomes THE most important thing and THE ONLY thing in the world...or...you decide to just give up. You decide it, and you, are just too far gone. It's not worth fighting to get better, get healthy. You just don't have enough fight in you anymore to even care. And you give up. You feel completely hopeless. Completely helpless. And you don't see the pain ending.
That's the point where I was. My health was failing. I was in and out of the hospital several times. I was mentally and emotionally drained, to zero, empty, with nothing left inside. I was emotionally bankrupt. My spirit, my will, had died. I wanted to give up. Now, I would never contemplate or attempt suicide. I couldn't do that. It's not in my nature, DNA, fabric, of who I am. However, on this one night, this was my rock bottom. It's not just some phrase we hear. It is a moment that can define who you are, and define and shape the rest of your life. It was this one night. This was it. And...it was over. On this one night, I spoke to God...and I told Him that I would be perfectly OK if I didn't wake up in the morning. I told him I had had enough. I told him I couldn't go on.
I was ready to pass out from sheer exhaustion as I hadn't had a normal, decent, healthy night sleep in many months. However, right there, right before I passed out...something happened. There was this brief, but intense moment of clarity. It was intense, with a focused inflection into my head and into my thoughts. And two things came to me -- as clear as anything I have ever experienced or that has ever happened to me. I will only speak about one of those things -- and that one thing was, NO...This is not how it's going to do down. NO. Not today. Not at this moment. NO. This is not going to end now, not this way. Get up! Get up, and fight. One more time. One more effort. One more round. And I did. I got up, out of my bed, at 4am, and I took a shower. I shaved, I got my clothes out for the morning...the first time I had done that in months. I set my alarm, why I don't know. I got dressed, early, and started my recovery. Right there. At that moment.
And I never looked back. I never let anything stand in my way. Nothing. I never let anything distract me, and whatever else that stood in my way, was an obstacle to my health and well-being. Analysis ad nauseum, denial, justification, stories, excuses, vacillation, all of those things -- all of them were something and whatever that something was it wasn't me getting better. It was something else...not me getting better. I worked on my recovery, all the time.. Not just when I was in crisis. Not some time, not part time. All the time. And all the other stuff was complacency -- yes, complacency. It was fallacious nonsense which would deprive me of getting one more moment, one more step ahead, one more piece of progress, even if intangible, one more step closer to me getting better.
I didn't do 90 in 90. I did 180 in 90! Actually, I did more because there were 2 days a week I went to 3 meetings. I put every single meeting in the county, and the county next to me, in my calendar. I made sure they were there. Because when I looked at them, and saw them -- they were comforting because I knew that's where my recovery was -- in meetings!!! And in doing the work I had to do outside the meetings. You see, that's where the work takes place in my opinion. Not sitting in a meeting, or typing on a BB. It takes place, when in action, when in power and empowered, when making change...when stopping doing the unhealthy things, and starting to do the healthy things...change...not doing what I always or used to do. Doing better. Getting better.
I kept going and going, working and working. I scratched, clawed, begged, pleaded, crawled, whatever it took...to get better. I kept doing whatever it took. Until I got there. And then, I got better. I got healthy. I found peace. I found serenity. I found an incredible, wonderful life...one which I never, ever could have dreamed of...not that night I told God I'd be OK if I didn't wake up in the morning.
So, perhaps when I see stuff that stands in the way so to speak, of getting better, I see it and I speak to it. I meet it head on. I run towards the roar!!! I walk right up to the lion and stick my head right in the lion's mouth...because I am no longer afraid. Because I have a lot of fight left in me. I do not give up. So, I guess, when I see it -- I see it and it scares me. I see it and it makes me remember. I see it and I say NO. Not this time. No more. It makes me remember where I cannot go.
So, I give back. It's tell it like it is I guess. I guess on one hand its' take what you like and leave the rest -- which is one of the principles of the alanon program. On the other, it's knowing where it comes from.
So what does all this mean? I don't know, take what you like and leave the rest. If there is zero to like then you take nothing, LOL. What I've learned...remember...this is about YOU. This is a program to get better, to get healthy. Each in their own time. Little by slowly. It can be as slow and long as you want, or as fast and quick as you want. But it's there. I say go get it. But that's just me.
I agree with what you said about the importance of meetings -- and of the work outside the meeting. To me, meetings are like going to a lecture in a college course. We listen to the professor (in Al-Anon there are several/many professors in the room), we do some underlining in the textbook, take notes, maybe we give a presentation on work we have done, maybe chat with classmates for a few minutes after class, and then go home.
But that alone will not allow us to pass the course. There is homework: studying, reading, writing, and practicing the skills. If we really want the best grade we can get, we find a tutor (sponsor). If we faithfully go to class AND do the homework, we will be ready for the test.
Unfortunately, in the Al-Anon world, we don't get a course outline that tells us when the test is going to be. There might be tests every day in our lives, or maybe there is only one test every few months. If we keep going to class and doing the homework, we have the best chance to be ready for the test whenever it occurs. Our grade on the test does not compare us to the other students; it only compares us to our best selves, and only looks for progress, not perfection. (Or maybe it's a non-graded course... I haven't worked out all the details in my metaphor yet.)
I am grateful to all the study buddies who are taking this higher education course with me.
There is no best or better- between F2F and online sharing. Both are great. Both have their place.
But here there is no egg-timer on the table- and boompha... I see the whole 12 steps laid out here in your share... in a deep practical sense.
To move on and mark the passing- is a true sign of maturity... and it is a gift- to all who read.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( Bo )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Great share Bo I too am grateful to program for the tools that helped me face many difficult life challenges with courage, serenity and a little wisdom .
You are correct in your statement that it is outside of the meetings that recovery takes place. __When i put the tools into action and see the results, Gratitude became my norm and denial lifted That is Recovery for me .
Glad that you are sharing the journey
I love the saying, "When I got busy, I got got better." I had to actually work program, embrace it, and apply it to ALL aspects of my life. and, when I slack off in my attitude, I know what i need to do to get back to a better place: GO TO A MEETING or call my sponsor (who will then tell me to go to a meeting, lol).
Thank you so much for sharing this!
The next day, 2 things happened. 1. The reading here was all about self-pity... it seems everyone was talking about it in some form! 2. My kid messed up, proving to me that my job of 17 years was not yet at a end!
That night I thanked my HP for showing me that I DID have a purpose, that I was wallowing in self-pity, and I embraced the slogan HOPE - Hang On Pain Ends. From that point forward, I have been working on ME... especially my tendency to think the worst. I began making those Gratitude Lists that Betty is always talking about... small at first... really stupid things at first... but they kept growing!
I work hard at believing Each Day is a New Day... full of endless possibilities!
Agreed completely -- and excellent insight. Thank you.
When I got busy I got better got me through some very dark days. It kept me sane, working and focusing on me. Yes, I too worked the program and applied it to all aspects of my life as well. That's why alanon is a curriculum for living for me. I don't engage, spar, interact, or go back and forth with unhealthy people. Too bad there is not an ignore button here, LOL. For me, I go to meetings often. It keeps me grounded, centered, focused, and living my life in the right way, doing the next right thing in front of me. Even in program, when my path crosses unhealthy people, mean, nasty, whatever it might be...I keep my eyes looking forward, and keep going straight ahead...doing what I am doing, doing what's best for me, what's healthy for me. Thanks.
Thank you for sharing this...thank you very much.
Your share was beautiful and open and honest and I could relate to almost every word of it. I am sorry for the death of your friend, and I agree with you that most likely it was stress and other spiritual exhaustion that took his life
I was where you were. I, too, contemplated suicide many times in my life, the last attempt was interrupted by an Al-Anon friend who became a good friend of mine. We had met on a online dating site, and he wanted a little bit more in the relationship than I did but we ended up really good friends. But it was not enough for me to want to live this crap life I was living. So I was on my way out to my vehicle to sit in it and start it up and asphyxiate myself and my pets as I was not Going to leave them homeless and motherless and my friend suspected something was wrong with me. So he got in his car and drove over to my house and literally interrupted me and there was no mistaking he knew what I was getting ready to do. Ill never forget it. It was a cold January night, 2004, and he had a grocery bag full of books and popcorn sitting on top of it for me to cook on the stove for us. The books were all recovery books and recovery workbooks He told me that he would not interrupt my next attempt if, after 30 days, trying the program did not work for me or give me hope that I could be a healthier and happier person. I figured what the heck, 30 days more of this miserable life is not going to be that big of a deal so I made a deal with him. I got into those books and began reading and for the first time in my life, I felt I was not alone, not unique, not a freak , Not some psychotic reject, I was just a very very sick and in pain person who was a victim of child abuse and other abuses caused by dysfunctional an alcoholic people who didnt deserve me.
I went to meetings, face to face, and online, mostly online because I wanted the ACA and codependent meetings in addition to the Al-Anon meetings. And I did sometimes two and three in the same day. I was so desperate to get all this poison this boil that was my life
Drained by sharing the truth and being loved and excepted and hearing the truths of others and knowing that I was not alone and that people could relate to me. I got with everybody who was at the time in my life and I told the non-supporters that I would have to be distancing myself from them maybe temporary maybe permanent, I didnt know, but I explained to them that I was entering recovery And that I needed only supporters and people who would encourage me and love me as I went through this intense recovery. One of them was my biological sister. She shamed and blamed me, telling me that I must have been a needy child to have attracted such evil to me and I told her that yes children are needy of love and nurturing and hugs and support and because I was deprived of all of that, yes I was needy and starving for the things that all children need to survive. I told her this is why I was having to cut her out of my Life, because I needed supporters. I made big changes. There werent very many people left in my life but the ones left, were supporting and encouraging of me as I went through this grinding recovery where the first year of it when I was finally able to cry, it was a devastating yet necessary pain I had to go through to get through it. I had a good sponsor and she and I had similar childhoods and so therefore she was a big help and got me through the worst of it, then sadly, I found out she was sharing my secrets with a mutual friend of ours and sharing her secrets with me. The other girl and I got together and found this out and we both confronted her without being cruel but we did it very program style told her thank you for all the help over the years that you gave to both of us but we are separating from you because you betrayed our confidences
I was pretty proud of both of us in that number one we were not shattered and set back Over this and number two it was just a huge boundary that we set in that we would not accept this kind of toxic behavior. So the lady and I decided to work together as recovery partners and we are still together as of this day. Its amazing the transformation this program has done for me. And I am nowhere near where I want to be, but I am grateful I am far away from where I used to be
Thank you for your very open and honest and powerful share. You are so not alone in how you felt in the giving up and not wanting to fight anymore. Sometimes I still have to go into my private closet and scream and cry and get the feelings out when life feels overwhelming, but now I work my program and reach out to loving others and I get back on my feet. I, too, have learned how to kiss my fears and invite them with me when I need to do something of which I am afraid. I probably will always be sort of fear-based but I do not have to let it run and destroy my life and I am not. There are pieces of me that I may never completely be able to put back together, but I can make a livable life for myself when I work my program every day and share and care with others every day and work the steps and the slogans My life does not have to be a pile of crap. Program does not insulate me against bad things or unwanted changes from happening, but program does show me how to best deal with the challenges that come up. I have learned that even when I am totally powerless, I still have options if I get quiet, after I feel my feelings, and just listen after I step back from the issue, feel the feelings, then come back to it, there is always at least one option I can do even if it means just walking away
Again, thank you for your very powerful share
Thanks again Rose. Meeting makers make it. Stick with the winners. You want to be a contender...not a pretender!
Start with the people in the rooms. Start with your sponsor. The program was designed to start with US, and then a sponsor. That is where trust can begin.
Even here, set aside the mental illness aspect (depression, bipolar, etc.), amongst people who are "in program" and "in recovery" -- albeit at varying stages -- people are quick to blame, label, judge, criticize, and begrudge others. And more.
You however, look at you. Your role, your contribution. Even here, what are you working on -- YOU!!! You first. Those are your words, not mine. Great job Rose.
Even when I was at my bottom -- that night -- I was so far beyond blame, pointing fingers, her fault, and so on. While I was too empty and didn't have any strength to point to anyone else...even then, all I did was look at me! I was always that way. I think that's why I found recovery and "get it" so well...because I am used to looking at me, my role, my contribution, my part.
Thanks again Rose, thank you for your insight and perspective. I so much admire and respect how far you've come in your recovery, and I admire and respect your program and how you work it.