It's been a long time since I visited here. I hope everyone is well!
I don't spend much time online these days as it seems to take me to a bad place when I do, I tend to hide in my computer instead of dealing with things. It was probably fairly obvious that I had a lot of work to do on myself and I wasn't accomplishing much simply narrating my version of my dysfunctional life and editing it to avoid the difficult bits so I withdrew myself from forums, deleted facebook and started doing real world stuff several months ago and it has been a good decision for me, I feel like I've actually made some progress at last! So it's all been positive really.
Anyway today I find myself with a bona fide al-anon problem and after chewing it over and over I decided perhaps sharing it here would help me to find a new perspective as currently, I am dealing with it by gritting my teeth and mumbling bad words under my breath and it doesn't see to be helping!
My mother has been saying for years that she would like to attend a particular fancy pants hotel for high tea (we went for my great grandmothers birthday many moons ago).
Next year it will be her 60th birthday so I decided to invite a few of her close friends and her beloved sister and a few other female family members for a ladies high tea at said hotel. It was meant to be supplementary to anything else she chose to do for her 60th as she had already indicated that she was going to host a party herself. It was also meant to be top secret.
Anyway she then decided she wasn't going to do anything for her birthday and after consulting with other family members I decided to extend the high tea idea to include more family members and they were going to pay their own way with me just covered self, sister, daughter, mother and grandmother and the rest of the guests settling their own bills (this was what step dad suggested when I discussed it with him) as I don't have the means to pay for that many people. THEN a few weeks ago mother demanded to know what my plan was as she didn't want anyone paying for their own meal (her sister had obviously told her the plan) and she instructed me to 'go ahead with whatever you are doing but make my husband pay for it". and "Don't tell me any more, I'm excited for whatever you are organising I just wanted to make sure hubby is paying for it".
I went ahead and discussed this with step dad who decided he wanted the venue changed to a cheaper one and I just decided to roll with it since he was financing it and I wasn't interested in making a drama of it. Daughter began making invitations and we were full steam ahead.
Last night mother started messaging me (obviously drunk) saying she wants to have her party at home and its her birthday and she will do what she wants and she wants a party at home and its her party and its her party and she will do what she wants and she wants a party at home and its her party and she will do what she wants because its her party and she will do what she wants (just to set the tone of the conversation). When I said OK, go for it she accused me of being angry etc and I really decided to just wash my hands of it. It is indeed her birthday and I am not interested in turning it into a drama. I was not angry, just a bit hurt i guess but I didn't say so, I just said no problem, go for it. She was pretty rude; I'm not worried about her wanting to organise her own party she was just being mean about it basically so i decided to take a big step back.
Today she has messaged me to inform me "I've decided I want the high tea at (x venue where i was planning it) and this is my guest list and I want this and this and this and can you ring them and blah blah blah"
I suggested she go ahead and organise it but she's ignoring that completely and sending me endless lists of instructions for organising the event I had been organising as a surprise until a few days ago.
I feel like I'm just sort of being dispatched like a minion to organise it to her specifications and I think if she wants to organise it herself she should just do that.
Anyway she has been messaging me for over an hour now with her demands and specifications and she sent me a message before telling me to ring the venue to ask them something and now shes messaging me wanting to know 'have you rung them yet?"
I made the call and gave her the information and she asked me to ring them back to ask something else. Ridiculous. I suggested she call them herself and she said "But you're organising it". This is just demented. I don't have time to call the venue every time she has a question and then type out the conversation for her and then call them back again all bloody day, I'm going to lose it in a moment.
Just ugh. Anyway thanks for listening- just typing it out helped. Its her birthday I guess, I don't feel overly enthusiastic about it right now but I guess I just need to detach from it.
How is everyone anyway?
*Sorry, that's a bit of a raving mess isn't it.
-- Edited by MellyBobelly on Thursday 27th of September 2018 02:23:34 AM
Freetime said
Sep 26, 2018
Hello Mell! I remember you and it's great to see you back. I can certainly relate to the crazy-making drama around a family birthday. I don't have any advice, maybe just "this too shall pass."
MellyBobelly said
Sep 27, 2018
Thanks freetime. Just typing it out gave me peace because it's really not that important in the grand scheme is it? Crazy how big irrelevant stuff can get in your head when you stew in it.
Aline said
Sep 27, 2018
Hey, Melly. Just wanted to chip in with some support. Sounds crazy big time. Reminds me a lot of how I used to be the messenger for my now ex-abf before I begun working on myself with the help of this program. I was playing the game mostly I think for the same reason I did most of the stuff which was fear of rejection/disapproval (especially from my ex...). You are handling the crazy with a lot of grace, I think. Welcome back here, keep on keeping on and using your program! This too shall pass, yes...
MellyBobelly said
Sep 27, 2018
Thanks Aline. Crazy to play the game and expect the rules to have changed I guess!
Update- she started messaging me again before to ask me what I think about moving the whole thing to a winery. I kept what I think about that plan to myself lol. I'm day-dreaming about spending the whole birthday weekend away somewhere nice with the kid now- I won't, but it's a nicer thing to think about
hotrod said
Sep 27, 2018
Hi Melly good to see you back posting missed you.
Temple said
Sep 27, 2018
Hi Miss Melissa--
I was just thinking about you intensely this week, wondering if we'd hear from you again, missing your wonderful witty posts.
I think it's your mother's birthday and she's going to do what she wants, you know? Like--driving you crazy if you let her will just be a bonus but she definitely is going to do it her way because it's her day.
And you could so lovingly let her. Or not. It may be fun to have another go with your new level of awareness.
My sister turns 90 today. And I am going to be here at home, counting my blessings. Husband is going to wheel her to the clubhouse, and she and he and her caretakers and neighbors can have all the drama without me. My mind is willing to go but my body gets the shakes, so Body wins! And it's fine with her--she's going to hate all the fuss and bother and having to be out of bed that long anyway. And she gets a nice check.
But it took me a long time and lots of caregiving to people who didn't actually want to be cared for but simply to have a target for their frustration for me to come to the realization that I am a bit player in everybody else's life and make the least smidgen of difference--except they like the financial support and hubs doesn't need me to do that.
I hope you don't go away again before you let us know if you finished your schooling, are working in your field. I see that daughter is still with you and being useful, so that sounds good.
Good for you for pulling the plug! I know I'm wasting way too much time on here and I'm not on FaceBook or Twitter or any of that soul-sucking stuff. I thank God I went to Jr. and Sr. High School back before the Innernets was even a gleam in Al Gore's eye. (That was a stab at a funny).
Bless you! You've been missed!
Temple
MellyBobelly said
Sep 27, 2018
Missed you too Betty
Temple, you must have called me back with your intense thinking. And look at your post number and cue the creepy music lol. I don't have any qualms with mother organising her own thing- this was originally supposed to be something separate that I was saving up to do anyway. I had always assumed that she would want to organise her own party until she said she didn't. It's just the jerky way she is being about it. I wanted to make sure she had something special and felt cared about. Now she's given herself permission to organise her own thing, that's fine- good even- but I don't think I deserve to be pummeled into dust for ever having the notion of throwing her a party in the first place. I'd like to just hand over the reigns and be allowed to bow out gracefully. I probably haven't explained it very well. She's really not being very nice to me.
I have not as yet finished schooling. I am a bit closer, and oh the stories I could tell. Daughter is with me yes and apparently as a teenager she is going to require quite a lot more supervision than I might have expected. As in I was called out of a class by her principal last month with the news that she was in an ambulance on the way to hospital. My daughter, not the principal. The Offspring did something stupid that I wont go into. One of a series of many stupid things she has done of recent. And I had to pull out of most of my classes and go back to wasting away at home because my off-shoot needs to be monitored 24-7. Yes, we have entered the era of The Defiant Teen.
I will be somewhere around 450 years old by the time I am allowed to have any kind of career or income or in fact reason to leave the house. I'm actually pretty miserable about it all but, you know, blah blah it is what it is. 2.5 more years and then she is legally responsible for her own safety.
Happy birthday to your sister! Would she like high tea?
-- Edited by MellyBobelly on Thursday 27th of September 2018 12:32:54 PM
JerryF said
Sep 27, 2018
Aloha Mell and this post snared me right from the MellyMobelly...Humor is one of the tools of my recovery so you got me good. Your post brought me to that part of the Serenity Pray of "courage to change the things we could". What an enormous change of my mind, body, spirit and emotions when courage came in the door. That in whole was the change especially with the courage to change me Jerry F who in part was a family enabler who needed to know, again, mind, body, spirit and emotions what it was like not to be the enabler involved in consequences I did not like. I read your post and remember enacting the courage change and practicing that one tool, "no" is a complete sentence without feeling fear and guilt because I said it.
You go girl. If nothing changes.... ((((hugs)))) thanks for being a part of the family.
MellyBobelly said
Sep 27, 2018
Thanks Jerry!
Yes, while I am learning how to say no audibly to my errant teen, I might as well practice it on others in my life. I'm glad I wrote it out here because it was so clear to me that I have detailed a million different difficult scenarios with my mother here over the years I've been here and this is just more of the same....I didn't see that until I came back here though. Magic! If nothing changes, as you say.
Thanks for welcoming me back
Temple said
Sep 27, 2018
Au contraire, Sweetie You expressed yourself very well. And I get your mother; similar cases show up on Dr. Phil. And they used to make movies about people like her.: the Crazy-Making Mother genre.
I was trying to delicately suggest that you can decide not to volunteer to be the sacrifice at the next meeting of the coven, is all. And a nod to your very funny and painful portrayal of what a drunk call from her is like.
So sorry the kid is sideways. I think the last time you were here, some posters were pointing out that boundaries would be required at some point. And I am so sorry--I know all you ever wanted was to be sweet to her and give her the love you didn't get.
You will laugh, but you are still young You can still finish school and do the work you want to do In the betweentimes, are you still writing? You are so, so good at it.
I just looked up to see what my post number was. It would have been what you said at the time you read it. Insert emoticon with tongue sticking out. I am merely somewhat psychic where good transmitters are concerned . You were gearing up to post--I didn't make you do it.
You are so worth whatever it takes,
Temple
MellyBobelly said
Sep 27, 2018
I'm being proactive, I've got a therapist specifically and soley to help me learn to be assertive and set appropriate boundaries with said errant teen. Who is exactly like I was, except that she has a parent who wishes to prevent her from harming herself or ruining her future. I haven't been shown how to do this bit; I did the version of the parenting course where you yell at your kids and tell them they suck until they run away to Neverland and become dysfunctional savages. Up until this point, doing the opposite of what I was shown has worked out mostly well but now, it works no more and so off to parenting therapy I go. It's working OK- the child expressed her very deep desire to remain at her current school. I am shamelessly leveraging that. The ultimatum is, if she does not engage with her own psychologist, make efforts at home, or fail to engage in risky behaviours we will move....TO GRANDMAS. Mwahahahahaa. It's actually working pretty well so far since grandmas is 2 hours away which would mean the end of her current social life and activities and, thanks to my newfound assertiveness, she knows I actually mean it. Unless she rows her half of the boat, I'm throwing in my oar and letting the current take us all the way back to the primordial chaos that is my foo.
HA!
MellyBobelly said
Sep 27, 2018
And I didnt realise the post number changed on each post,Ii thought it stayed on the post it was relevant to
-- Edited by MellyBobelly on Thursday 27th of September 2018 01:16:18 PM
Temple said
Sep 27, 2018
That's it! That is the exact emoticon I was looking for!
I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear you are getting parenting coaching. You really have done the best you could think of--the opposite of what you got. So now comes the Middle Path.
I laughed out loud when you said you'd move to Grandma's That was genius. And you mean it and would do it. Your time away from us has been well-spent
Clapping emoticon. A sweet and helpful member taught me how to do that, but then she got miffed off and went away and I forget how betweentimes. Am inept. Which is good. If I knew how to work this thing for real I'd probably be blogging or something and the dustbunnies would multiply like rabbits.
Hello MIP!
It's been a long time since I visited here. I hope everyone is well!
I don't spend much time online these days as it seems to take me to a bad place when I do, I tend to hide in my computer instead of dealing with things. It was probably fairly obvious that I had a lot of work to do on myself and I wasn't accomplishing much simply narrating my version of my dysfunctional life and editing it to avoid the difficult bits so I withdrew myself from forums, deleted facebook and started doing real world stuff several months ago and it has been a good decision for me, I feel like I've actually made some progress at last! So it's all been positive really.
Anyway today I find myself with a bona fide al-anon problem and after chewing it over and over I decided perhaps sharing it here would help me to find a new perspective as currently, I am dealing with it by gritting my teeth and mumbling bad words under my breath and it doesn't see to be helping!
My mother has been saying for years that she would like to attend a particular fancy pants hotel for high tea (we went for my great grandmothers birthday many moons ago).
Next year it will be her 60th birthday so I decided to invite a few of her close friends and her beloved sister and a few other female family members for a ladies high tea at said hotel. It was meant to be supplementary to anything else she chose to do for her 60th as she had already indicated that she was going to host a party herself. It was also meant to be top secret.
Anyway she then decided she wasn't going to do anything for her birthday and after consulting with other family members I decided to extend the high tea idea to include more family members and they were going to pay their own way with me just covered self, sister, daughter, mother and grandmother and the rest of the guests settling their own bills (this was what step dad suggested when I discussed it with him) as I don't have the means to pay for that many people. THEN a few weeks ago mother demanded to know what my plan was as she didn't want anyone paying for their own meal (her sister had obviously told her the plan) and she instructed me to 'go ahead with whatever you are doing but make my husband pay for it". and "Don't tell me any more, I'm excited for whatever you are organising I just wanted to make sure hubby is paying for it".
I went ahead and discussed this with step dad who decided he wanted the venue changed to a cheaper one and I just decided to roll with it since he was financing it and I wasn't interested in making a drama of it. Daughter began making invitations and we were full steam ahead.
Last night mother started messaging me (obviously drunk) saying she wants to have her party at home and its her birthday and she will do what she wants and she wants a party at home and its her party and its her party and she will do what she wants and she wants a party at home and its her party and she will do what she wants because its her party and she will do what she wants (just to set the tone of the conversation). When I said OK, go for it she accused me of being angry etc and I really decided to just wash my hands of it. It is indeed her birthday and I am not interested in turning it into a drama. I was not angry, just a bit hurt i guess but I didn't say so, I just said no problem, go for it. She was pretty rude; I'm not worried about her wanting to organise her own party she was just being mean about it basically so i decided to take a big step back.
Today she has messaged me to inform me "I've decided I want the high tea at (x venue where i was planning it) and this is my guest list and I want this and this and this and can you ring them and blah blah blah"
I suggested she go ahead and organise it but she's ignoring that completely and sending me endless lists of instructions for organising the event I had been organising as a surprise until a few days ago.
I feel like I'm just sort of being dispatched like a minion to organise it to her specifications and I think if she wants to organise it herself she should just do that.
Anyway she has been messaging me for over an hour now with her demands and specifications and she sent me a message before telling me to ring the venue to ask them something and now shes messaging me wanting to know 'have you rung them yet?"
I made the call and gave her the information and she asked me to ring them back to ask something else. Ridiculous. I suggested she call them herself and she said "But you're organising it". This is just demented. I don't have time to call the venue every time she has a question and then type out the conversation for her and then call them back again all bloody day, I'm going to lose it in a moment.
Just ugh. Anyway thanks for listening- just typing it out helped. Its her birthday I guess, I don't feel overly enthusiastic about it right now but I guess I just need to detach from it.
How is everyone anyway?
*Sorry, that's a bit of a raving mess isn't it.
-- Edited by MellyBobelly on Thursday 27th of September 2018 02:23:34 AM
Update- she started messaging me again before to ask me what I think about moving the whole thing to a winery. I kept what I think about that plan to myself lol. I'm day-dreaming about spending the whole birthday weekend away somewhere nice with the kid now- I won't, but it's a nicer thing to think about
I was just thinking about you intensely this week, wondering if we'd hear from you again, missing your wonderful witty posts.
I think it's your mother's birthday and she's going to do what she wants, you know? Like--driving you crazy if you let her will just be a bonus but she definitely is going to do it her way because it's her day.
And you could so lovingly let her. Or not. It may be fun to have another go with your new level of awareness.
My sister turns 90 today. And I am going to be here at home, counting my blessings. Husband is going to wheel her to the clubhouse, and she and he and her caretakers and neighbors can have all the drama without me. My mind is willing to go but my body gets the shakes, so Body wins! And it's fine with her--she's going to hate all the fuss and bother and having to be out of bed that long anyway. And she gets a nice check.
But it took me a long time and lots of caregiving to people who didn't actually want to be cared for but simply to have a target for their frustration for me to come to the realization that I am a bit player in everybody else's life and make the least smidgen of difference--except they like the financial support and hubs doesn't need me to do that.
I hope you don't go away again before you let us know if you finished your schooling, are working in your field. I see that daughter is still with you and being useful, so that sounds good.
Good for you for pulling the plug! I know I'm wasting way too much time on here and I'm not on FaceBook or Twitter or any of that soul-sucking stuff. I thank God I went to Jr. and Sr. High School back before the Innernets was even a gleam in Al Gore's eye. (That was a stab at a funny).
Bless you! You've been missed!
Temple
Missed you too Betty
Temple, you must have called me back with your intense thinking. And look at your post number and cue the creepy music lol.
I don't have any qualms with mother organising her own thing- this was originally supposed to be something separate that I was saving up to do anyway. I had always assumed that she would want to organise her own party until she said she didn't. It's just the jerky way she is being about it. I wanted to make sure she had something special and felt cared about. Now she's given herself permission to organise her own thing, that's fine- good even- but I don't think I deserve to be pummeled into dust for ever having the notion of throwing her a party in the first place. I'd like to just hand over the reigns and be allowed to bow out gracefully. I probably haven't explained it very well. She's really not being very nice to me.
I have not as yet finished schooling. I am a bit closer, and oh the stories I could tell. Daughter is with me yes and apparently as a teenager she is going to require quite a lot more supervision than I might have expected. As in I was called out of a class by her principal last month with the news that she was in an ambulance on the way to hospital. My daughter, not the principal. The Offspring did something stupid that I wont go into. One of a series of many stupid things she has done of recent. And I had to pull out of most of my classes and go back to wasting away at home because my off-shoot needs to be monitored 24-7. Yes, we have entered the era of The Defiant Teen.
I will be somewhere around 450 years old by the time I am allowed to have any kind of career or income or in fact reason to leave the house. I'm actually pretty miserable about it all but, you know, blah blah it is what it is. 2.5 more years and then she is legally responsible for her own safety.
Happy birthday to your sister! Would she like high tea?
-- Edited by MellyBobelly on Thursday 27th of September 2018 12:32:54 PM
Aloha Mell and this post snared me right from the MellyMobelly...Humor is one of the tools of my recovery so you got me good. Your post brought me to that part of the Serenity Pray of "courage to change the things we could". What an enormous change of my mind, body, spirit and emotions when courage came in the door. That in whole was the change especially with the courage to change me Jerry F who in part was a family enabler who needed to know, again, mind, body, spirit and emotions what it was like not to be the enabler involved in consequences I did not like. I read your post and remember enacting the courage change and practicing that one tool, "no" is a complete sentence without feeling fear and guilt because I said it.
You go girl. If nothing changes.... ((((hugs)))) thanks for being a part of the family.
Yes, while I am learning how to say no audibly to my errant teen, I might as well practice it on others in my life. I'm glad I wrote it out here because it was so clear to me that I have detailed a million different difficult scenarios with my mother here over the years I've been here and this is just more of the same....I didn't see that until I came back here though. Magic! If nothing changes, as you say.
Thanks for welcoming me back
I was trying to delicately suggest that you can decide not to volunteer to be the sacrifice at the next meeting of the coven, is all. And a nod to your very funny and painful portrayal of what a drunk call from her is like.
So sorry the kid is sideways. I think the last time you were here, some posters were pointing out that boundaries would be required at some point. And I am so sorry--I know all you ever wanted was to be sweet to her and give her the love you didn't get.
You will laugh, but you are still young You can still finish school and do the work you want to do In the betweentimes, are you still writing? You are so, so good at it.
I just looked up to see what my post number was. It would have been what you said at the time you read it. Insert emoticon with tongue sticking out. I am merely somewhat psychic where good transmitters are concerned . You were gearing up to post--I didn't make you do it.
You are so worth whatever it takes,
Temple
HA!
And I didnt realise the post number changed on each post,Ii thought it stayed on the post it was relevant to
-- Edited by MellyBobelly on Thursday 27th of September 2018 01:16:18 PM
I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear you are getting parenting coaching. You really have done the best you could think of--the opposite of what you got. So now comes the Middle Path.
I laughed out loud when you said you'd move to Grandma's That was genius. And you mean it and would do it. Your time away from us has been well-spent
Clapping emoticon. A sweet and helpful member taught me how to do that, but then she got miffed off and went away and I forget how betweentimes. Am inept. Which is good. If I knew how to work this thing for real I'd probably be blogging or something and the dustbunnies would multiply like rabbits.