Not Sure what to do about the Heroin addict in my life
bbyturtle said
Sep 26, 2018
Hi, I am new to al-anon and rehab and anything drug related actually. For the past four years I had been in a relationship with a heroin addict however, we broke up about a year and a half ago but have stayed connected and felt we were meant for each other. I ended things because of the drug addiction and said I did not want to have a relationship with someone who was involved in this type of stuff as I am only 21 and this was my first ever relationship. He is now out of a month long in patient rehab and I am just not sure how to act around him or how involved I should be. I did visit him while he was in rehab and have started to attend al-anon meetings. However, I am going back to school and trying to figure out my own life as well. The past four years our relationship has been focused solely around him and I have unintentionally been fostering and enabling his drug habits. He used me so much in the past for money or food or whatever he needed. I have resentment towards him and any trust we built up over the years has been broken. I love and miss him so much (I haven't seen him yet since he's been out), but are there too many problems/ is this relationship worth salvaging? I have no clue if he is someone I would want to marry as I am so young still and haven't focused or thought much about marriage at this point. He is my best friend though and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But he has hurt me in so many ways not even in drug related ways (such as talking to other girls/lying to my face about things). I just don't know what to do, I am a major supporter in his life as all his friends use and now that he's sober I don't want him to be around them. I feel obliged to attend meetings and constantly be at his beckoned call but I feel he has hurt me so much I can never forget that and I don't believe anything he says anymore. ANY advice???
Thank you so much!
JerryF said
Sep 26, 2018
Aloha Turtle. I have a suggestion? read your post as if it was written by some one else and maybe a close friend and then see what you feel and think about the situation. Take your time...read it slowly and over and then come back to it a bit later and ask yourself what feedback you have for the woman who wrote it and write that out as a memo or letter. Get to the posts of others of us who are family members of MIP (here) and read what came before you also.
I have a life time in the disease of addiction and have learned in Al-Anon, here and in college that I had the same compulsive disease of addiction; not for the drug but for the users. I was born and raised in this disease and have come to understand. The person who needed to stop using and make a healthy, happy life was me.
The alcoholic/addict I was last married to was glad to see me find sanity and serenity after she got clean and sober herself.
Keep coming back...often. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 02:54:05 PM
serenity47 said
Sep 26, 2018
Meetings are for you and about you, not for him or about him. There is no need to make any decisions regarding your future with or without him at this very moment. He is in very early recovery. My experience with people in very early recovery has been difficult to say the least. That being said, I chose to focus on my own recovery and leave them to theirs. He is going to do whatever he is going to do regardless of what you do or don't do.
I encourage you to make your own life a priority and put your effort and energy into that. You can love and care about a person but not carry their burdens for them. When the disease of addiction affected my life, it became necessary for me to examine my role in it all and do the work on myself to free myself. Look for a Nar-Anon group in your area as well.
Keep coming back!
Mattie said
Sep 26, 2018
One thing to know (and which I wish someone had told me) is that the actual longterm recovery rate of addicts is very low. They are also very unstable emotionally in their early recovery (the first 1-2) years. So the chances are very great significantly more than half that he will go back to heroin. That's just the sad truth about how powerful addiction is. And if he does not, his first few years without it will be rough, on him and on others. I had thought that when my A (alcoholic) went through rehab, it would be like a switch was flipped and things would be better. He did stay sober for a while, even though things were not much better. Then he went back to drinking. I was not prepared for this and it blindsided me badly.
But the good news is that if you are going to end up happy and together, you have time - and indeed time is crucial. In a year or two years or better, five years, you can assess how it's going for him, and whether he's clean and emotionally healthy and good material for a relationship, and try again then. It's not now or never.
The thing you can do to give the best chance, for a healthy relationship and for your own life, is dive into your own recovery. Otherwise we are vulnerable to repeating the same unpleasant patterns over and over again. This will help look at why you accepted four years of life revolving around a heroin addict, who mistreated you even apart from the heroin, and what dynamics will change this. Find a local meeting, get the literature, read all the threads here, look out for a sponsor... There is lots of happiness in store!
mamalioness said
Sep 26, 2018
hello Turtle.....I like what Jerry said to you......re-read your post and pretend it is your big sister or your beloved best friend or ANY loved on, and SHE wrote this to YOU....What would you want for her???? and what is to love when he breaks your trust..uses you for money.......I always say to people who ask my opinions....."what is YOUR payoff in this??" or what benefit is this relationship to you??? where is it a blessing??? where is it healthy for you???? you are 21...your whole life ahead of you...School...Hopefully marriage to a HEALTHY man who can give you an equal, loving, mutual wholesome and healthy life and happy/healthy CHILDREN....Would you want kids with this addict???? do you really want to "buy into" all the drama and chaos and devastation he offers??? I have drug addiction in my family so I know what I am saying....the grieving they cause, the financial devastation, the tears, the fears, the drama and chaos.....I would ask myself...is this where I want to be in 5 years??? 10 years??? going to rehab IF YOU'RE LUCKY and he even goes....the relapse rate is very very high for these people...I'm not judging them, I feel much compassion for them, but do I want them in my life again??? close???? close enough to harm me in anyway???? NO NO NO...I have loved ones , two of them who are drug addicts...one sober...for now...the other a street person living God only knows where, using heavy drugs......I love them, but I keep my distance..I don't give them opportunities to steal from me or bring chaos and havoc into my life......PLEASE keep coming back....Al-anon is for US to help US...they (the addicts) need to help themselves, we can't do it for them....and there is enough pain, hardship, heartbreak in life without going out and "purchasing" it.....and THIS kind of pain is the worst.....I'm not putting this young man down, No way!!!! but I'm saying this is someone who MOST likely will never be able to offer you anything that is happy, abundant, healthy, etc.........I am so glad you showed up here....Please come back for you....this program will help you help the one person you CAN help-------------You!!! MUCH SUPPORT
Hi, I am new to al-anon and rehab and anything drug related actually. For the past four years I had been in a relationship with a heroin addict however, we broke up about a year and a half ago but have stayed connected and felt we were meant for each other. I ended things because of the drug addiction and said I did not want to have a relationship with someone who was involved in this type of stuff as I am only 21 and this was my first ever relationship. He is now out of a month long in patient rehab and I am just not sure how to act around him or how involved I should be. I did visit him while he was in rehab and have started to attend al-anon meetings. However, I am going back to school and trying to figure out my own life as well. The past four years our relationship has been focused solely around him and I have unintentionally been fostering and enabling his drug habits. He used me so much in the past for money or food or whatever he needed. I have resentment towards him and any trust we built up over the years has been broken. I love and miss him so much (I haven't seen him yet since he's been out), but are there too many problems/ is this relationship worth salvaging? I have no clue if he is someone I would want to marry as I am so young still and haven't focused or thought much about marriage at this point. He is my best friend though and I couldn't imagine my life without him. But he has hurt me in so many ways not even in drug related ways (such as talking to other girls/lying to my face about things). I just don't know what to do, I am a major supporter in his life as all his friends use and now that he's sober I don't want him to be around them. I feel obliged to attend meetings and constantly be at his beckoned call but I feel he has hurt me so much I can never forget that and I don't believe anything he says anymore. ANY advice???
Thank you so much!
Aloha Turtle. I have a suggestion? read your post as if it was written by some one else and maybe a close friend and then see what you feel and think about the situation. Take your time...read it slowly and over and then come back to it a bit later and ask yourself what feedback you have for the woman who wrote it and write that out as a memo or letter. Get to the posts of others of us who are family members of MIP (here) and read what came before you also.
I have a life time in the disease of addiction and have learned in Al-Anon, here and in college that I had the same compulsive disease of addiction; not for the drug but for the users. I was born and raised in this disease and have come to understand. The person who needed to stop using and make a healthy, happy life was me.
The alcoholic/addict I was last married to was glad to see me find sanity and serenity after she got clean and sober herself.
Keep coming back...often. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 02:54:05 PM
I encourage you to make your own life a priority and put your effort and energy into that. You can love and care about a person but not carry their burdens for them. When the disease of addiction affected my life, it became necessary for me to examine my role in it all and do the work on myself to free myself. Look for a Nar-Anon group in your area as well.
Keep coming back!
One thing to know (and which I wish someone had told me) is that the actual longterm recovery rate of addicts is very low. They are also very unstable emotionally in their early recovery (the first 1-2) years. So the chances are very great significantly more than half that he will go back to heroin. That's just the sad truth about how powerful addiction is. And if he does not, his first few years without it will be rough, on him and on others. I had thought that when my A (alcoholic) went through rehab, it would be like a switch was flipped and things would be better. He did stay sober for a while, even though things were not much better. Then he went back to drinking. I was not prepared for this and it blindsided me badly.
But the good news is that if you are going to end up happy and together, you have time - and indeed time is crucial. In a year or two years or better, five years, you can assess how it's going for him, and whether he's clean and emotionally healthy and good material for a relationship, and try again then. It's not now or never.
The thing you can do to give the best chance, for a healthy relationship and for your own life, is dive into your own recovery. Otherwise we are vulnerable to repeating the same unpleasant patterns over and over again. This will help look at why you accepted four years of life revolving around a heroin addict, who mistreated you even apart from the heroin, and what dynamics will change this. Find a local meeting, get the literature, read all the threads here, look out for a sponsor... There is lots of happiness in store!