Stress and grief shines a light on the fractures in the family
serenity47 said
Sep 26, 2018
I am feeling sad and frustrated today. My grown children whom have always been very close growing up are having a major falling out. We had attended the funeral of my sons young friend yesterday (age 18). My grown AD came to support her brother but that support was rejected by him. I know he is hurting immensely from losing his friend and I believe it has opened up the wounds he has about the losses he experienced when his sister is in active addiction. It has never been addressed between the two of them. She has not shown up for him many times in the past 5 years due to addiction and then the one time she does, it is rejected. He barely spoke to her at the funeral and thwarted all attempts to meet up. She has flown back home now. Needless to say, things are pretty tense! I realize they are young yet and both have a lot of maturing to do in learning how to process and communicate effectively. Heck, im well grown and still have a ton of work to do.
I am trying to do my part by first accepting my powerlessness over other people. I did my best to not get dragged into it and texted them both to tell them that I loved them both. That it disturbed me to see them at odds with each other and encouraged them to work it out. Dammit its hard to watch the struggle and witness the acute pain that addiction creates in families. I have to be very aware of my desires to fix everything immediately and control outcomes and learn to sit with the discomfort. I plan to gently encourage my son to talk about what he is feeling to someone he trusts and then mind my own business!
Thank you for being here.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 02:25:18 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 02:39:17 PM
Iamhere said
Sep 26, 2018
(((Serenity))) - so, so sorry for the pain of watching your kids being affected by the disease. I can relate as we've had our fair share + of drama. I've worked really hard to detach and try to just stay far away from it - and have suggested that they should figure out how to get along since it stands to reason they will outlive both of us and end up having each other only.
I have learned to never speak of one to the other. No matter what - it causes more friction. I lean into my friends/program support when I need to share family drama instead of family. It works way, way better as mine both think I love the other more/better.
My best suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing - feel the feelings, but know they aren't permanent or facts. Detach as best you can. I do believe emotions are closer to the surface when there is a loss for all involved....sorry for the pain of the lost friend too - never easy!
You are not alone!
luv123 said
Oct 1, 2018
This is hard stuff for me as well. We have also lost a few young ppl close to my kids including my beloved nephew/Godson. I have seen my kids go through phases of mistrust and after several yrs in recovery it appears to be so much better now between them. It is a process and I only needed to let it go and trust one day at a time. I kept putting it in my God Can---trusting that I can't but "God Can" and he did eventually. Being with the discomfort was and is still a learned skill---I wanted to do these lil things or say these lil things that would give me illusion of control and a minor amount of stress relief but I knew it would be a disservice in oong run, so HP gave me the strength to refrain when I allowed HP to help me. Me wanting to control is a lot like the alc. wanting a drink---a little immediate gratification that keeps me in asick loop. Keep writing about and doing this wonderful recovery work!!! Together we can make it! Love LUV123
Bo said
Oct 1, 2018
It is never easy when there is friction -- of whatever sort, form, fashion, etc. -- within a family. Even when a family is completely dysfunctional, friction, falling out, whatever the case may be, is difficult. It has ramifications far, wide, and deep.
When someone is hurting, they sometimes "lash out" -- even at people who are there for them, there to help, to support! It is a "release" -- and sometimes it is the only release. That doesn't make it OK for the recipient. Compassion is hard -- when you are getting punched in the face! LOL. This will only be exacerbated if in fact he's feeling this has "opened old wounds" to to speak. It could a "trigger" for him. Now, those two words -- release and trigger -- yes, people throw them around in alanon. However, they are real, clinical terms -- that have real-world, practical application meaning. They exist far beyond some people in alanon throwing them around as "explanation for why the alcoholic does what they do. Sure, we hear all the time, he only drinks because he was triggered, or that was a trigger and he drank. We also hear -- it's not him, he's a great man when he's not drinking, he would have never said those things to me if he weren't drinking, it was him venting, it was a release of how unhappy he is and how pain he's in. Yes, I get it. That's not what I am talking about. The real clinical aspect of trigger and release is what I am talking about.
That said, where they are is where they are. They will need to figure it out on their own. A discussion with your daughter might be appropriate -- simply shedding light on the reality perspective -- he's hurting, the release, he's scared, he's in pain, and maybe this was a trigger to back when you and him were in it, etc. Whatever, no one can tell you about your children. You know them better than anyone. Perhaps talking to your sponsor about the situation. Does your sponsor know your kids? Anyway, as far as having a finger on the pulse of what is going on -- no one will know that but YOU.
This is beyond -- actually rooted -- pre-communication. Recognize that. You are doing a very good job -- and acceptance is just part of it. You also covered -- not getting dragged into the circus, and staying up in the stands! LOL. This is the byproduct of addiction!!! I've long said collateral and direct damage!!! Here it is!!!
Talk to her, see if she can get it and get into a better place -- compassion, patience, and understanding would help her right now. And, then, like you, she can wait. Wait for him. He's the one in real pain right now. I don't know if either child is "in program" -- but if they are -- they better know where to go!!! LOL.
You are doing the next right thing in front of you. Keep doing it. You are doing very well.
JerryF said
Oct 1, 2018
After allowing my self to read slowly and consider what and how your responses were being told and then comparing it fully to what we have just gone thru I am grateful to find balance in our recoveries. Yeppers we just went thru something similar; similar in that the untreated alcoholic was taking a word I used to describe the relationship twix his daughter; my grand-daughter as she being victimized by the addiction. She had explained that as she was attempting suicide she was going thru the emotions and thoughts of his drinking, using and insane behavior including leaving the family and joining up with a gal from his high school years while returning and leaving and returning and leaving over again.
I am a former therapist and I saw and heard the evidence from the victim even as he didn't want to because of how it put responsibility on his understanding. He did not like it or want to understand and gathered up his "stuff" and left the family...Okay not a biggie and I use the 3 c's to keep me from trying to make him see it for what it is. His daughter was there with us and stepped up to keep him from finding honesty. I suggested he buy a Scripto note book and inventory the situation from his vision. looking at the searching...fearless and moral aspects of it. Yes a 4th and he doesn't know that. He left and then another "stand-in" his younger brother took up the issue using fresh resentment and animosity and trying to go "hands-on" with me which would have been the very first attempt on anyone's part. It got loud and I have an amends to make to the neighbors cause it was that loud ...not vile...loud and I was ready to call the cops for assistance. He lost his balance and had to have his wife put him in his truck.
No drinking or drugs at all just adrenalin and testosterone. There will be more later on as my family...this one has been broken by addiction for a long time and I don't join them with their drug of choice. I will continue to practice our program of recovery and loving the serenity and sanity it has given us. Their program of denial and delusion isn't for us.
Thanks for this thread...I will review it again later. ((((Hugs))))
serenity47 said
Oct 1, 2018
Thank you for all of your replies. I have spoke with my son and this behaviour is very much out of context for him so I do believe it is the grief of losing his best friend compounded with the unresolved issues with sister that he is just starting to allow in. She texted me many times sharing her upset about her brother to which I responded with gentle encouragement to be patient, forgiving, and own her part. She has never made any attempt at amends to any of us and prefers to just pretend nothing happened. Defensiveness rises up quickly in my daughter when any suggestion made that intentional or not people were hurt and apologies go a long ways in healing rifts. She is simply not ready to own anything yet. She is not working a program at the present time and is dancing with relapse.
However, I did take the opportunity to sit with my son and make my own amend which I had been thinking of doing for the past month or so . The timing was perfect now. IT is sometimes hard to get these young ones alone for a period of time but I managed. I apologized for not being mentally present, wrapped up in his sisters life for the past four years while he was becoming a teenager. Yes I was physically here and went through the motions but I was in a pretty bad condition trying to control and rescue her and he paid the price and it wasn't right. I talked with him about forgiveness and the affects of addiction on the family. He listened , and received my amends and love and he and I are in a good place. He is a very easy kid to get along with and I am blessed. So for today, the stand off continues between the two of them. I have to accept that. I am praying and turning it over to my higher power. I know that the deep love is there .
I will stay on my side of the street and lead by example. Owning my part in anything that I negatively contribute to. Practicing patience, gratitude and forgiveness. I always feel better when I live my life with those values at the forefront.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 1st of October 2018 07:51:33 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 1st of October 2018 07:52:34 PM
bud said
Oct 1, 2018
(((serenity47)))) Sending prayers for strength and courage to continue doing the next right thing.
2HP said
Oct 2, 2018
wow, you are a wonderful example of How it works
I understand this scenario completely, my own children went through the same thing and I was full of sorrow and grief as well. Thanks to Al-anon, I did exactly as you are doing, Let Go... Let go... and Let go some more. that is life in recovery, right?
I admit it was especially hard during holidays and I thought I must be a terrible mother to have such a fragmented family. How I wished and wished...all my helpless wishes.... that things were different. The only power I had was prayer. Not so much that things would materialize in the way I wanted it to, that's not what I was getting from Al-anon, they were telling me to let go of my resistance and attachments!! So my prayer was simply, God, I know they are not my kids, they are YOURS.... Bring them to YOU, YOU, YOU....
The great light is the fact that a recovery program exists where one can find the light of Higher Power. If I found Higher Power through al-anon... my kids may too. THAT is what I will keep in my heart (Faith.)
My sponsor encouraged me to let go of sorrow (not HP's will for me) and to do like you, just keep moving forward, refusing to get stuck like I did before al-anon, during my alcoholic marriage. She encouraged me to lean intensely on step 3 and substitute sorrow for thoughts and wonders of Higher Power instead...
I particularly love nature and animals, they bring me a lot of joy and JOY is always the "experience" of Higher Power. God's entire creation is my family now, that is the perspective I get from step 11.
I began volunteering at the animal shelter and enjoy fostering elderly dogs and cats that end up there, just providing a peaceful, happy home before they leave this world gives me great joy. (one is snoring on the couch right now, lol)
I have no idea how or when or where my kids mended things, they both live in different states. Their "separation" lasted 2 or 3 years, I don't know the details of any of it, no idea who initiated it or how it got resolved. I am pleased to know they do talk frequently to one another today. And feel especially grateful to know it happened without any effort on my part, I had lovingly wrapped them up in their "blankies" and handed them over to Higher Power.
That is my ESH... Just for today, this is the way it looks. Keep doing your best to enjoy life anyway (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of October 2018 09:24:20 AM
PosiesandPuppies said
Oct 2, 2018
(((((Serenity47)))))
You are in a tight spot for sure, but I am reading all sorts of good program living from you! Your post on how you are moving forward is inspirational! Living peacefully is looking good on you! thank you for sharing this!
Iamhere said
Oct 2, 2018
(((Serenity))) - great honestly, insight and awareness. It's difficult to stay in the middle of the boat when the kids are pulling at us - but it's possible for me when I remember who's truly in charge (not me) and that they have their own HP (again, not me). I find myself praying constantly and really leaning into my program/support when the 'natives are restless' around me. It doesn't fix it but it does help me to remember I have a purpose and I/it will be OK! Keep doing what you're doing - trust the process and the program!
I am feeling sad and frustrated today. My grown children whom have always been very close growing up are having a major falling out. We had attended the funeral of my sons young friend yesterday (age 18). My grown AD came to support her brother but that support was rejected by him. I know he is hurting immensely from losing his friend and I believe it has opened up the wounds he has about the losses he experienced when his sister is in active addiction. It has never been addressed between the two of them. She has not shown up for him many times in the past 5 years due to addiction and then the one time she does, it is rejected. He barely spoke to her at the funeral and thwarted all attempts to meet up. She has flown back home now. Needless to say, things are pretty tense! I realize they are young yet and both have a lot of maturing to do in learning how to process and communicate effectively. Heck, im well grown and still have a ton of work to do.
I am trying to do my part by first accepting my powerlessness over other people. I did my best to not get dragged into it and texted them both to tell them that I loved them both. That it disturbed me to see them at odds with each other and encouraged them to work it out. Dammit its hard to watch the struggle and witness the acute pain that addiction creates in families. I have to be very aware of my desires to fix everything immediately and control outcomes and learn to sit with the discomfort. I plan to gently encourage my son to talk about what he is feeling to someone he trusts and then mind my own business!
Thank you for being here.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 02:25:18 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 02:39:17 PM
I have learned to never speak of one to the other. No matter what - it causes more friction. I lean into my friends/program support when I need to share family drama instead of family. It works way, way better as mine both think I love the other more/better.
My best suggestion is to keep doing what you are doing - feel the feelings, but know they aren't permanent or facts. Detach as best you can. I do believe emotions are closer to the surface when there is a loss for all involved....sorry for the pain of the lost friend too - never easy!
You are not alone!
This is hard stuff for me as well. We have also lost a few young ppl close to my kids including my beloved nephew/Godson. I have seen my kids go through phases of mistrust and after several yrs in recovery it appears to be so much better now between them. It is a process and I only needed to let it go and trust one day at a time. I kept putting it in my God Can---trusting that I can't but "God Can" and he did eventually. Being with the discomfort was and is still a learned skill---I wanted to do these lil things or say these lil things that would give me illusion of control and a minor amount of stress relief but I knew it would be a disservice in oong run, so HP gave me the strength to refrain when I allowed HP to help me. Me wanting to control is a lot like the alc. wanting a drink---a little immediate gratification that keeps me in asick loop. Keep writing about and doing this wonderful recovery work!!! Together we can make it! Love LUV123
When someone is hurting, they sometimes "lash out" -- even at people who are there for them, there to help, to support! It is a "release" -- and sometimes it is the only release. That doesn't make it OK for the recipient. Compassion is hard -- when you are getting punched in the face! LOL. This will only be exacerbated if in fact he's feeling this has "opened old wounds" to to speak. It could a "trigger" for him. Now, those two words -- release and trigger -- yes, people throw them around in alanon. However, they are real, clinical terms -- that have real-world, practical application meaning. They exist far beyond some people in alanon throwing them around as "explanation for why the alcoholic does what they do. Sure, we hear all the time, he only drinks because he was triggered, or that was a trigger and he drank. We also hear -- it's not him, he's a great man when he's not drinking, he would have never said those things to me if he weren't drinking, it was him venting, it was a release of how unhappy he is and how pain he's in. Yes, I get it. That's not what I am talking about. The real clinical aspect of trigger and release is what I am talking about.
That said, where they are is where they are. They will need to figure it out on their own. A discussion with your daughter might be appropriate -- simply shedding light on the reality perspective -- he's hurting, the release, he's scared, he's in pain, and maybe this was a trigger to back when you and him were in it, etc. Whatever, no one can tell you about your children. You know them better than anyone. Perhaps talking to your sponsor about the situation. Does your sponsor know your kids? Anyway, as far as having a finger on the pulse of what is going on -- no one will know that but YOU.
This is beyond -- actually rooted -- pre-communication. Recognize that. You are doing a very good job -- and acceptance is just part of it. You also covered -- not getting dragged into the circus, and staying up in the stands! LOL. This is the byproduct of addiction!!! I've long said collateral and direct damage!!! Here it is!!!
Talk to her, see if she can get it and get into a better place -- compassion, patience, and understanding would help her right now. And, then, like you, she can wait. Wait for him. He's the one in real pain right now. I don't know if either child is "in program" -- but if they are -- they better know where to go!!! LOL.
You are doing the next right thing in front of you. Keep doing it. You are doing very well.
After allowing my self to read slowly and consider what and how your responses were being told and then comparing it fully to what we have just gone thru I am grateful to find balance in our recoveries. Yeppers we just went thru something similar; similar in that the untreated alcoholic was taking a word I used to describe the relationship twix his daughter; my grand-daughter as she being victimized by the addiction. She had explained that as she was attempting suicide she was going thru the emotions and thoughts of his drinking, using and insane behavior including leaving the family and joining up with a gal from his high school years while returning and leaving and returning and leaving over again.
I am a former therapist and I saw and heard the evidence from the victim even as he didn't want to because of how it put responsibility on his understanding. He did not like it or want to understand and gathered up his "stuff" and left the family...Okay not a biggie and I use the 3 c's to keep me from trying to make him see it for what it is. His daughter was there with us and stepped up to keep him from finding honesty. I suggested he buy a Scripto note book and inventory the situation from his vision. looking at the searching...fearless and moral aspects of it. Yes a 4th and he doesn't know that. He left and then another "stand-in" his younger brother took up the issue using fresh resentment and animosity and trying to go "hands-on" with me which would have been the very first attempt on anyone's part. It got loud and I have an amends to make to the neighbors cause it was that loud ...not vile...loud and I was ready to call the cops for assistance. He lost his balance and had to have his wife put him in his truck.
No drinking or drugs at all just adrenalin and testosterone. There will be more later on as my family...this one has been broken by addiction for a long time and I don't join them with their drug of choice. I will continue to practice our program of recovery and loving the serenity and sanity it has given us. Their program of denial and delusion isn't for us.
Thanks for this thread...I will review it again later. ((((Hugs))))
Thank you for all of your replies. I have spoke with my son and this behaviour is very much out of context for him so I do believe it is the grief of losing his best friend compounded with the unresolved issues with sister that he is just starting to allow in. She texted me many times sharing her upset about her brother to which I responded with gentle encouragement to be patient, forgiving, and own her part. She has never made any attempt at amends to any of us and prefers to just pretend nothing happened. Defensiveness rises up quickly in my daughter when any suggestion made that intentional or not people were hurt and apologies go a long ways in healing rifts. She is simply not ready to own anything yet.
She is not working a program at the present time and is dancing with relapse.
However, I did take the opportunity to sit with my son and make my own amend which I had been thinking of doing for the past month or so . The timing was perfect now. IT is sometimes hard to get these young ones alone for a period of time but I managed. I apologized for not being mentally present, wrapped up in his sisters life for the past four years while he was becoming a teenager. Yes I was physically here and went through the motions but I was in a pretty bad condition trying to control and rescue her and he paid the price and it wasn't right. I talked with him about forgiveness and the affects of addiction on the family. He listened , and received my amends and love and he and I are in a good place. He is a very easy kid to get along with and I am blessed.
So for today, the stand off continues between the two of them. I have to accept that. I am praying and turning it over to my higher power. I know that the deep love is there .
I will stay on my side of the street and lead by example. Owning my part in anything that I negatively contribute to. Practicing patience, gratitude and forgiveness. I always feel better when I live my life with those values at the forefront.
-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 1st of October 2018 07:51:33 PM
-- Edited by serenity47 on Monday 1st of October 2018 07:52:34 PM
wow, you are a wonderful example of How it works
I understand this scenario completely, my own children went through the same thing and I was full of sorrow and grief as well. Thanks to Al-anon, I did exactly as you are doing, Let Go... Let go... and Let go some more. that is life in recovery, right?
I admit it was especially hard during holidays and I thought I must be a terrible mother to have such a fragmented family. How I wished and wished...all my helpless wishes.... that things were different. The only power I had was prayer. Not so much that things would materialize in the way I wanted it to, that's not what I was getting from Al-anon, they were telling me to let go of my resistance and attachments!! So my prayer was simply, God, I know they are not my kids, they are YOURS.... Bring them to YOU, YOU, YOU....
The great light is the fact that a recovery program exists where one can find the light of Higher Power. If I found Higher Power through al-anon... my kids may too. THAT is what I will keep in my heart (Faith.)
My sponsor encouraged me to let go of sorrow (not HP's will for me) and to do like you, just keep moving forward, refusing to get stuck like I did before al-anon, during my alcoholic marriage. She encouraged me to lean intensely on step 3 and substitute sorrow for thoughts and wonders of Higher Power instead...
I particularly love nature and animals, they bring me a lot of joy and JOY is always the "experience" of Higher Power. God's entire creation is my family now, that is the perspective I get from step 11.
I began volunteering at the animal shelter and enjoy fostering elderly dogs and cats that end up there, just providing a peaceful, happy home before they leave this world gives me great joy. (one is snoring on the couch right now, lol)
I have no idea how or when or where my kids mended things, they both live in different states. Their "separation" lasted 2 or 3 years, I don't know the details of any of it, no idea who initiated it or how it got resolved. I am pleased to know they do talk frequently to one another today. And feel especially grateful to know it happened without any effort on my part, I had lovingly wrapped them up in their "blankies" and handed them over to Higher Power.
That is my ESH... Just for today, this is the way it looks. Keep doing your best to enjoy life anyway (((peace)))
-- Edited by 2HP on Tuesday 2nd of October 2018 09:24:20 AM
You are in a tight spot for sure, but I am reading all sorts of good program living from you! Your post on how you are moving forward is inspirational! Living peacefully is looking good on you! thank you for sharing this!