Abusive coworker - ESH needed for next right step please
bud said
Sep 25, 2018
I'm really struggling this month...
... as one enormous thing resolves, another enormous brick wall crops up as if on cue.
A work colleague called me today and let me know that he doesn't agree with my approach and had already let our mutual clients know. It wasn't a conversation he wasn't interested in an interaction, just to condescendingly tell me that he is right and I am wrong and laughed at me before he excused himself from the phone. He had confabulated examples to support his ego and from his perspective, this defines who I am and what I do. This feels incredibly horrid.
I know that people sometimes laugh at things they don't understand. My work approach is unique and something that has helped many people.
I feel like he crushed me and disabled me from working... if I continue at this job, he will continue to negate everything I do and in a very offensive manner. I sense he may have support from a few other of our mutual colleagues who also shut me down... in the past, I opened a conversation to see how I could address their needs and they disengaged. They actually prefer to refer their clients to an outside company for the work that I do.
I rely on this source of income but do not see an option but to give notice. I am feeling discouraged and sad. I feel displaced and like I don't fit in anywhere. Considering resigning.
I did let the manager know what happened, but have no expectations.
I could please use support, as I try and regroup my self esteem, and figure out the next right step. Options? ....
Thank you for listening.
Jozie said
Sep 26, 2018
(((Bud)))
Very Sorry to Hear you where Let down to say the least with your Coworker, I have Worked many Jobs with people like you mention, that have a Click of their own, and Buddy up and try to push others out... It really never feels good to be on the receiving end of it... For me Taking time to Listen to My HP has always been helpful, I Pray on things like this a lot, because I Don't care to be like "Those" People that Judge and Belittle others...
Over time I Have even Learned to Pray for that Person, but I Have Promised myself in the beginning of my Journey here 10-yrs ago, that I Always wanted to be "True" To Who and What I am Regardless of what that looks like to others... I Would hate to see anyone leave a Place if it is something they feel they are called to do, and just because it is done differently doesn't mean its Wrong...
I don't know what you do, but I Do know you Deserve to feel appreciated in your work, and your life...
Lifting you in Prayers for Answers to what's Next for you, Weather that be Stay or Go... And Regardless of what that is, I Pray you find Comfort in Knowing Their issues are Not about You... Its Solely & Selfishly about them... Keep Being You!
Thanks for Sharing... Please take what you like and Leave the rest...
Friends in Recovery
Jozie
Lyne said
Sep 26, 2018
{{{bud}}}. What a horrible experience you are describing and I as well used to be in a situation of being abused and shamed in a work place (in a mental health facility which made it all the worse). I used people in positions above me to try and get things worked out, but in the end nothing changed, I left ,and was financially devasted for quite some time.
What I learned in Alanon about my abusive A was not to rush into anything. I went slow, I reasoned things out with many others, we are still together, and she is finally sober and getting help. I would suggest the same thinking here. It's not helpful to go from the frying pan to the fire, but of course, I could not stay in a work situation that was crushing my very spirit. (Nor with my spouse.)
Use your tools as we know they work. Don't rush into change. Ask HP for guidance. We are worthy of respect and I have learned not to expect everyone to be able to treat me as such. Lean into program, a sponsor, the board, meetings, etc. This will all be resolved but do it in a smart way for you, Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 26, 2018
(((((Bud)))))
I don't have ESH for this, but I wanted to send you support. You are all you need to be for you.
That being said, is that enough for your company/clients? Only you can say. Or perhaps your clients can say... not sure if this is a position where you can get direct customer feedback.
Praying that you find a solution that is right for you!
Iamhere said
Sep 26, 2018
(((Bud))) - I too really don't have experience in this manner. I too want to send you support. I have had good and bad work experiences and can say that I valued me enough to seek other employment whenever I felt undervalued. We have to spend quite a bit of time at a job to not enjoy it, feel valued and feel respected.
I love the suggestions of using your program - sold and sound and I agree that it's served me very well! Know that I'm sending you positive energy for this tough time and that it too shall pass.
bud said
Sep 26, 2018
I'm so grateful for everyones support.
I couldn't sleep last night, so returned to the computer to write varying drafts of my resignation. I had to keep busy within myself and I'm really trying hard to not to turn myself into one big knee-jerk reaction.
On the other hand, how can I go to work today knowing that I'll be completely discredited based on someone else's preconceived erroneous notions. While I do my best, the bully brings the money to the company. My position limits the amount of money I can bring to the company.
Prior to this, I felt amazingly great about my work. I enjoy it and switched to it late in life because I do feel I'm able to offer others hope when other things have not worked.
I think speaking to a manager is not enough, though. I'm considering calling the owner of the company because what happened is professional sabotage and bullying. I think he ought to know how his "friend" is affecting and reshaping his business.
In the meantime will do my best to wrap myself in the warmth of your support. I'm so grateful!!!!
tiredtonite said
Sep 26, 2018
Hi (((bud))) QTIP was the first thing that came to mind. You've found your passion and you believe in it and yourself right? It can sting when someone judges negatively what we love, who we love etc. That kind of smugness can feel really irksome. So what do you, bud want to get out of this, from this colleague, from other coworkers? Maybe they are a clique. Maybe they have their minds made up about you personally but they still need to assist clients. People sometimes lol at things they don't understand or what feels threatening to them. I just walked away from such a situation but not until I was entirely ready.
Someone believed in what you have to offer because you were hired. I like pnp's idea of positive reviews from clients since the objective is to get your colleagues to refer their clients to you rather than an outside entity. "What others think of me is none of my business." This Alanon saying in my humble opinion, doesn't apply to everything. In business, positive customer reviews count very much. Also, QTIP can be used in order practice detachment and keep communication open. Pride has gotten in my way when I feel attacked by someone. It makes me want to shut them out when in fact, the times I've gone off to lick my wounds and then gone back in with facts and evidence for my claims as well as an openness to listen to the other person, I've fared better overall. We can't change others unacceptable behavior but we can act vs react to it. It's about what I want to get out of it. I want to remain teachable. I can listen, remain calm and not give authority to others that is not due them. I think when we truly believe in something, we can continue to respond to questions non defensively with enthusiasm and positivity concerning what we offer. We can at least say we've done what we can. Then it's up to our hp concerning the outcome. I'm sorry this is happening to you at work and that things will get better for you there. Hope you'll do nice things for yourself daily when away from there to let it all go. TT
a4l said
Sep 26, 2018
I generally don't "play well with others" in a work environment but acknowledge that sometimes concessions must be made to work culture.
I wouldn't take to kindly to a phonecall like that and where these situations arise, I tend to use email to reframe my position in a way that is advantageous to my interests. What are your interests in this job? And what is the bare minimum legally enforceable actions you are required to undertake to keep your position? I would never be "nice" to my colleagues. Polite and professional but never "nice". I would suggest analysing the situation and emailing the colleague. I think alot of these situations are power plays and it is an attack on your own personal power to have you questioning your approach rather than challenging his.
It is not professional to have a colleague undermining you to a client before attempting to discuss the matter with you. I would point out that it reflects badly on not only potentially yourself but also on the company as a whole when one person disparages his colleague in such a public way and to never do it again if he has any remote consideration for client confidence in light of this. To really rub it in, I would then end it with an appreciation of how difficult it can be to accept change in the workplace in the sense of working collaboratively, but clearly the good of the company must come first and I trust that with all his many years of experience, such an adaptation in light of the same is clearly in reach.
Of course, none of this is likely to change him or the culture. But it may help you to feel good about yourself to restate the professional boundary and reject the tacit implication that your work is faulty. You know it isn't, so don't take it on board. As always, take what you like and leave the rest Sending you hugs!
bud said
Sep 26, 2018
Hi my ultra- amazing MIP family!
I read, reread and absorbed all this good and took it with me today. As the minutes passed, I grew to believe in myself and knew that the next right thing had to reflect being true to who I am. This melted my defensiveness and helped me focus on facts. I made a brief outline of the main things on paper to refer to for my conversation with the company owner.
I phoned the owner on his cell phone. I was professional, brief, and company profit focused - and made sure to say that it was difficult to do my job with someone undermining me every step of the way and in front of clients. I stated his tone and words were unprofessional. The owner cut me off and finished my closing sentence and said it for me that his friend was not truthful and has difficulty accepting change and working collaboratively and that it is undermining the business.
He continued to speak for the next 45 minutes. He heard me! WOW! It's clear that the owner accepts what happened and plans to take corrective action of some kind. Ironically, this actually strengthened my relationship with the owner.
a4l , you are so right ... it's so maddening how the power play left me unstable and full of self doubt. I will keep this in mind, as I'm sure to encounter it again.
Thank you again to everyone for your caring support. I was such a hot mess and now look, it actually did pass, and I'm still standing.
mamalioness said
Sep 26, 2018
I LOVE what a41 said....my sentiments.....email the next time and keep it professional, courteous, etc., but keep the 'friendly" out of it....I have had bad co-workers who tried to run me down, drive me out, etc., and I just "killed them with professional courtesy" never gave them back the "bush league" crap they handed to me.....usually when you give this jerk enough rope, he will hang himself....its an ego/power trip thingy...he feels "masculine" to put you down, etc., I would wait it out...do my job...and use email, and don't take his calls after work hours....YOU are the one working on bettering you...this bottom feeder will always be a bottom feeder....I've worked with them and I always "won out" by doing my job..doing it well..being dependable..and let them hang themselves....
Sending you BIG SUPPORT HUGS
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 11:21:14 PM
bud said
Sep 27, 2018
Thanks Rose!
The managers gave my cell number to this colleague, so I'm also considering sending the executive team and managers an email instructing them to provide my email and not my cell phone for communications to those in the company that I have not yet established relations. There is a time differential, so while I'm willing to trouble shoot, late night calls that are condescending, adversarial, or otherwise unprofessional will be terminated, regardless of the person's status or their friendship with the owner.
Lyne said
Sep 27, 2018
bud, great work! You are defending and protecting yourself. Prayers for a good outcome! Lyne
PosiesandPuppies said
Sep 27, 2018
Fantastic outcome bud!!!
Kudos to you for using your program tools to the fullest!
When I read a41's post, I wholeheartedly agreed!!
I also agree with letting the company know to share only a certain contact form. Having your personal phone "compromised" at all hours would be a serenity-stealer for sure!
tiredtonite said
Sep 27, 2018
Great news Bud that your employer has your back! Best of luck to you. TT
Jen61 said
Sep 27, 2018
Years ago I had the same thing happen to me. I needed my job and wanted to continue working so I could retire from my company. But, I almost quit. The stress was incredible. I ended up going to counseling. It helped so much. Each day I would go in with my "Mountain Fuel" face and just make it through the day. It was tough - very tough. I felt like if I quit they would win. So, when I could retire I put in my paperwork and ran to my car on my last day. It took a long time for me to relax. It is so unfortunate that we have to put up with this. We want to work and get along with our co-workers, but there are those few who like to put us down, undermine and make our life at work miserable. Positive thoughts from me to you!
I'm really struggling this month...
... as one enormous thing resolves, another enormous brick wall crops up as if on cue.
A work colleague called me today and let me know that he doesn't agree with my approach and had already let our mutual clients know. It wasn't a conversation he wasn't interested in an interaction, just to condescendingly tell me that he is right and I am wrong and laughed at me before he excused himself from the phone. He had confabulated examples to support his ego and from his perspective, this defines who I am and what I do. This feels incredibly horrid.
I know that people sometimes laugh at things they don't understand. My work approach is unique and something that has helped many people.
I feel like he crushed me and disabled me from working... if I continue at this job, he will continue to negate everything I do and in a very offensive manner. I sense he may have support from a few other of our mutual colleagues who also shut me down... in the past, I opened a conversation to see how I could address their needs and they disengaged. They actually prefer to refer their clients to an outside company for the work that I do.
I rely on this source of income but do not see an option but to give notice. I am feeling discouraged and sad. I feel displaced and like I don't fit in anywhere. Considering resigning.
I did let the manager know what happened, but have no expectations.
I could please use support, as I try and regroup my self esteem, and figure out the next right step. Options? ....
Thank you for listening.
Very Sorry to Hear you where Let down to say the least with your Coworker, I have Worked many Jobs with people like you mention, that have a Click of their own, and Buddy up and try to push others out... It really never feels good to be on the receiving end of it... For me Taking time to Listen to My HP has always been helpful, I Pray on things like this a lot, because I Don't care to be like "Those" People that Judge and Belittle others...
Over time I Have even Learned to Pray for that Person, but I Have Promised myself in the beginning of my Journey here 10-yrs ago, that I Always wanted to be "True" To Who and What I am Regardless of what that looks like to others... I Would hate to see anyone leave a Place if it is something they feel they are called to do, and just because it is done differently doesn't mean its Wrong...
I don't know what you do, but I Do know you Deserve to feel appreciated in your work, and your life...
Lifting you in Prayers for Answers to what's Next for you, Weather that be Stay or Go... And Regardless of what that is, I Pray you find Comfort in Knowing Their issues are Not about You... Its Solely & Selfishly about them... Keep Being You!
Thanks for Sharing... Please take what you like and Leave the rest...
Friends in Recovery
Jozie
What I learned in Alanon about my abusive A was not to rush into anything. I went slow, I reasoned things out with many others, we are still together, and she is finally sober and getting help. I would suggest the same thinking here. It's not helpful to go from the frying pan to the fire, but of course, I could not stay in a work situation that was crushing my very spirit. (Nor with my spouse.)
Use your tools as we know they work. Don't rush into change. Ask HP for guidance. We are worthy of respect and I have learned not to expect everyone to be able to treat me as such. Lean into program, a sponsor, the board, meetings, etc. This will all be resolved but do it in a smart way for you, Lyne
I don't have ESH for this, but I wanted to send you support. You are all you need to be for you.
That being said, is that enough for your company/clients? Only you can say. Or perhaps your clients can say... not sure if this is a position where you can get direct customer feedback.
Praying that you find a solution that is right for you!
I love the suggestions of using your program - sold and sound and I agree that it's served me very well! Know that I'm sending you positive energy for this tough time and that it too shall pass.
I couldn't sleep last night, so returned to the computer to write varying drafts of my resignation. I had to keep busy within myself and I'm really trying hard to not to turn myself into one big knee-jerk reaction.
On the other hand, how can I go to work today knowing that I'll be completely discredited based on someone else's preconceived erroneous notions. While I do my best, the bully brings the money to the company. My position limits the amount of money I can bring to the company.
Prior to this, I felt amazingly great about my work. I enjoy it and switched to it late in life because I do feel I'm able to offer others hope when other things have not worked.
I think speaking to a manager is not enough, though. I'm considering calling the owner of the company because what happened is professional sabotage and bullying. I think he ought to know how his "friend" is affecting and reshaping his business.
In the meantime will do my best to wrap myself in the warmth of your support. I'm so grateful!!!!
Hi (((bud))) QTIP was the first thing that came to mind. You've found your passion and you believe in it and yourself right? It can sting when someone judges negatively what we love, who we love etc. That kind of smugness can feel really irksome. So what do you, bud want to get out of this, from this colleague, from other coworkers? Maybe they are a clique. Maybe they have their minds made up about you personally but they still need to assist clients. People sometimes lol at things they don't understand or what feels threatening to them. I just walked away from such a situation but not until I was entirely ready.
Someone believed in what you have to offer because you were hired. I like pnp's idea of positive reviews from clients since the objective is to get your colleagues to refer their clients to you rather than an outside entity. "What others think of me is none of my business." This Alanon saying in my humble opinion, doesn't apply to everything. In business, positive customer reviews count very much. Also, QTIP can be used in order practice detachment and keep communication open. Pride has gotten in my way when I feel attacked by someone. It makes me want to shut them out when in fact, the times I've gone off to lick my wounds and then gone back in with facts and evidence for my claims as well as an openness to listen to the other person, I've fared better overall. We can't change others unacceptable behavior but we can act vs react to it. It's about what I want to get out of it. I want to remain teachable. I can listen, remain calm and not give authority to others that is not due them. I think when we truly believe in something, we can continue to respond to questions non defensively with enthusiasm and positivity concerning what we offer. We can at least say we've done what we can. Then it's up to our hp concerning the outcome. I'm sorry this is happening to you at work and that things will get better for you there. Hope you'll do nice things for yourself daily when away from there to let it all go. TT
I generally don't "play well with others" in a work environment but acknowledge that sometimes concessions must be made to work culture.
I wouldn't take to kindly to a phonecall like that and where these situations arise, I tend to use email to reframe my position in a way that is advantageous to my interests. What are your interests in this job? And what is the bare minimum legally enforceable actions you are required to undertake to keep your position? I would never be "nice" to my colleagues. Polite and professional but never "nice". I would suggest analysing the situation and emailing the colleague. I think alot of these situations are power plays and it is an attack on your own personal power to have you questioning your approach rather than challenging his.
It is not professional to have a colleague undermining you to a client before attempting to discuss the matter with you. I would point out that it reflects badly on not only potentially yourself but also on the company as a whole when one person disparages his colleague in such a public way and to never do it again if he has any remote consideration for client confidence in light of this. To really rub it in, I would then end it with an appreciation of how difficult it can be to accept change in the workplace in the sense of working collaboratively, but clearly the good of the company must come first and I trust that with all his many years of experience, such an adaptation in light of the same is clearly in reach.
Of course, none of this is likely to change him or the culture. But it may help you to feel good about yourself to restate the professional boundary and reject the tacit implication that your work is faulty. You know it isn't, so don't take it on board. As always, take what you like and leave the rest
Sending you hugs!
I read, reread and absorbed all this good and took it with me today. As the minutes passed, I grew to believe in myself and knew that the next right thing had to reflect being true to who I am. This melted my defensiveness and helped me focus on facts. I made a brief outline of the main things on paper to refer to for my conversation with the company owner.
I phoned the owner on his cell phone. I was professional, brief, and company profit focused - and made sure to say that it was difficult to do my job with someone undermining me every step of the way and in front of clients. I stated his tone and words were unprofessional. The owner cut me off and finished my closing sentence and said it for me that his friend was not truthful and has difficulty accepting change and working collaboratively and that it is undermining the business.
He continued to speak for the next 45 minutes. He heard me! WOW! It's clear that the owner accepts what happened and plans to take corrective action of some kind. Ironically, this actually strengthened my relationship with the owner.
a4l , you are so right ... it's so maddening how the power play left me unstable and full of self doubt. I will keep this in mind, as I'm sure to encounter it again.
Thank you again to everyone for your caring support. I was such a hot mess and now look, it actually did pass, and I'm still standing.
I LOVE what a41 said....my sentiments.....email the next time and keep it professional, courteous, etc., but keep the 'friendly" out of it....I have had bad co-workers who tried to run me down, drive me out, etc., and I just "killed them with professional courtesy" never gave them back the "bush league" crap they handed to me.....usually when you give this jerk enough rope, he will hang himself....its an ego/power trip thingy...he feels "masculine" to put you down, etc., I would wait it out...do my job...and use email, and don't take his calls after work hours....YOU are the one working on bettering you...this bottom feeder will always be a bottom feeder....I've worked with them and I always "won out" by doing my job..doing it well..being dependable..and let them hang themselves....
Sending you BIG SUPPORT HUGS
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 26th of September 2018 11:21:14 PM
The managers gave my cell number to this colleague, so I'm also considering sending the executive team and managers an email instructing them to provide my email and not my cell phone for communications to those in the company that I have not yet established relations. There is a time differential, so while I'm willing to trouble shoot, late night calls that are condescending, adversarial, or otherwise unprofessional will be terminated, regardless of the person's status or their friendship with the owner.
Kudos to you for using your program tools to the fullest!
When I read a41's post, I wholeheartedly agreed!!
I also agree with letting the company know to share only a certain contact form. Having your personal phone "compromised" at all hours would be a serenity-stealer for sure!